Perspectives of lack of relationship

[suchnessofmoment]

Hi, I'm 23, male never been in a relationship, and a rather introverted person.For some time my loneliness took in my life life, I was depressed and throwing pity parties with myself. In order to distract myself from the painful lack of companionship, I turned into meditation. Even though I gained some valuable insights, I wasn't able to discipline myself to carry it out on a regular basis. The void of my life was filled by being an internet junkie. It was like feeding the hunger for human contact with high fructose corn syrup. This sense of false "high" consumed/( consumes) most of my spare time

I've had a lot of negative conditioning in my life about my personality with so I've always had a very close circle of friends. No one reaches out for me.

Even with my interaction with females, things just don't seem to proceed beyond making acquaintances and being regular friends

Now, I had a good look at my life and learned I wanted to change things.

I want to attract highly conscious and intellectually stimulating relationships to my life. I want to be loved.

I was thinking, "what's my current level of vibration which had made me attract the current circumstances?"-

My current level of vibration is one of lack- one that cries for love and attention. There are also tons of insecurities stemming from the feeling "there's not enough love to go around"- If one of my friends pay more attention to someone else there'd be less love towards me

Instead of this level, I shall unconditionally love people, try to feel and vibrate with the love of collective humanity which binds us all.

This is a difficult task because of all the inertia of my past negative feelings gravitate me towards feelings of loneliness whenever I'm off guard.

[suchnessofmoment]

There was a thread started by Tony tone tone Guys, do you need help meeting women? which I found very encouraging. It gives good perspectives on law of attraction and attracting relationsihps( I've tried LOA haphazardly and I've gotten abysmal results).

On the other hand, most of the articles about attracting women and the so called "pick up artist" community are out of sync with my personality. I feel that they are dehumanizing. Most of the dating gurus have capitalized on their ability to have sex with "X" number of women in a given period of time. I couldn't see any consideration towards attracting a loving relationship for the long term.

[Liza Red]

Hi

Well you are not alone. I'm a 22 yr female turning 23 soon and I too have never been in a relatoinship. So yeah, you are not the only one lol


Edit: By the way, the above link doesn't work.

[striving4peace]

I'm 29, never been in a relationship before either. (Funnily as of an hour of me writing this, I'm very very close on embarking on to a relationship)

And in general here are the things I've learnt - some of it from the PUA material, even though I'v maybe not necessarily implemented all of them, and they apply to the majority of people, there are lots of exceptions:
1) Girls are attracted to men who look confident, alive but yet mysterious
2) Girls like nice guys, but prefer them as friends or tend to use them
3) Girls are extremely complicated creatures whose wants and patterns change erratically. They'll give hidden messages which you have to look out for, and attach a lot of meaning to the protocol of interaction and portrayal

Now you've done something right: you've accepted your current state, you realize it's because of what you're portraying, and you want to change it all.

But swinging from one end of the spectrum to the extreme opposite isn't the answer.
Even if you want to meet intelligent / intellectually stimulating / highly concious girls and attract them to you - they're still girls at the end of the day and we're all looking to be attracted to someone and love them too.

Don't start giving out your love by being super nice and generous and humane - it's a good thing to be, but not necessarily to portray. What I've learnt as of late is that it's a marketing game. Portray the confident, intelligent, mysterious person.

And from personal experience: resolve your issues. Doesn't matter how, or how long it takes, but you gotta do it. You cant' portray the empty image of that person - you have to become that person. I'm still working on doing so, with some level of progress so far. You gotta do it for yourself, not just for attracting girls.

As far as lonliness is concerned, also focus on making friends: some of them close friends who you can lean on and who can lean on you. Try and aim to get to the point where having a relationship is inconsequential to your happiness. I was told that it is at that point that the relationship will 'happen', and though earlier I only believed in causality as the only factor, I now see luck / the universe / God / destiny / whatever you wanna put there - has a part to play too.

[funchy]

As a woman, I'm not sure I agree with these sweeping generalizations or "laws" of attraction. I also don't agree that all women use nice guys or that women are overly complicated.

Women are just different then men in how they interact. We relate in terms of emotions, not just facts or external things. We recognize social status in different ways. We may be more socially focused rather then a man. We are emotional, but in a way that makes us easier to deal with because our emotions are on the surface, not hidden out of sight.

Women and men both like to feel special. If you can make others feel special, you should have no problem attracting friends and dates.

Most people (men and women) would benefit from improving their listening. And when I say listening I don't mean just remembering words, I mean paying attention, being aware, & focusing. Women want to be loved and part of loving her is loving what is important to her. Bonus points if you learn to like her friends, her parents, and her dog.

I don't want a guy to play a game. Just be yourself. If being yourself isn't getting women to notice, it may just be a communications issue. Sometimes we don't know that you know you like us. Or sometimes we notice and let on we're interested, too, but you don't notice that we signaled back that we like you. Some men go through oscillations of being afraid to say something to the woman and then making assumptions on what she means/thinks/feels.

Here's a big secret: in our teens and 20s many women are often just as nervous or uncomfortable as you are when dating someone new.

I don't agree that women take advantage of nice guys. Some women may take advantage of guys who have poor self esteem, poor social skills, or poor common sense; however, a guy can be a 'nice guy' and NOT have those issues. People get into trouble when they look to a relationship for self-esteem. A person can only be a victim if they allow it to happen.

I feel like the bigger problem is that we live in a culture where people rarely meet & interact outside of work/school. Some men I know go straight from their job to home. Their food is delivered. Their entertainment is TV. It really hard to meet other people (men or women).


Best wishes to you, suchnessofmoment, with your new relationship!

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by funchy

Most people (men and women) would benefit from improving their listening. And when I say listening I don't mean just remembering words, I mean paying attention, being aware, & focusing. Women want to be loved and part of loving her is loving what is important to her. Bonus points if you learn to like her friends, her parents, and her dog.

Perfect, couldn't help but smile when I read it. But do I really have to like her dog?

Originally Posted by funchy

I feel like the bigger problem is that we live in a culture where people rarely meet & interact outside of work/school. Some men I know go straight from their job to home. Their food is delivered. Their entertainment is TV. It really hard to meet other people (men or women).

Well put and I have to admit I have been guilty of this...the comfort is kind of addictive..but then yeah, it is kind of ridiculous to complain about not meeting people when that is all you do. Really, the more one goes out the easier it is to do, and the more potential they can find in their community. I have joined hiking groups and writing groups and really enjoyed both. I want to start writing more now, and maybe even try to start some kind of outdoor music group. There is no end to what you can manifest in your life, and I echo what has been said in this thread, fill your life so full that a single person cannot make or break it, but if you are just waiting around for that one person to complete your life then you are being powerfully patient for the wrong thing. Start generating ideas and activities and see how the people fall in.

[ar81]

Some years on TV I saw some news on research done in California during about 10 years with a huge amount of people.

They were rating the level of happiness (0 to 100) they had every day, and keeping a dairy where they remarked events during that day.

Results showed that if you are unhappy without company, you will be unhappy with company.
Also, it was evident that starting a relationship had a small boost of happiness, but it returned to normal after some brief period of time.

So they concluded that if you want to be happy with a couple, you need to be happy with your life first. And also it showed tha having company is not the secret of happiness.

Originally Posted by funchy

As a woman, I'm not sure I agree with these sweeping generalizations or "laws" of attraction. I also don't agree that all women use nice guys or that women are overly complicated.

Attraction is biochemical. Love is a decision.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

Girls are extremely complicated creatures whose wants and patterns change erratically. They'll give hidden messages which you have to look out for, and attach a lot of meaning to the protocol of interaction and portrayal

I think you're doing the female gender and yourself a great disservice by pretending that the majority of women behave like this.

Yes, there are a few who, for reasons beyond me, feel that they need to act in this particular way. Don't waste your time pursuing them! Instead, spend your effort on women who can communicate with you without the use of smoke and mirrors.

I've ran across a few of those secret signal types and I have no doubt that they now think of me as the most dim witted person they have ever met, endlessly frustrated that I never got their "obvious" hints... their loss!
(of couse, I did get the hints... but I don't feel like playing charades with my partner for the rest of my life)

[suchnessofmoment]

Thanks for all the comments.

I started this thread as a way of coming out of closet and letting you guys know about my current situation. I have very cordial relationships with people I work with, but my human interaction pretty much stops there. It's the lack of intimate friendship which pains me.

I'm a college student ( finishing up) and the general mores of college students regarding relationships are out of sync with mine. Now I'm aware that by this type of thinking I'm building up a wall around myself, but I can't help but realize that my peers are inclined towards short term gratification as opposed to cultivating deep friendships. Given the attitude and personalities of most of the women I find in school, I honestly would not be content in a relationship with them. Friends? of course. Anything deeper?

There is no end to what you can manifest in your life, and I echo what has been said in this thread, fill your life so full that a single person cannot make or break it, but if you are just waiting around for that one person to complete your life then you are being powerfully patient for the wrong thing.

Try and aim to get to the point where having a relationship is inconsequential to your happiness. I was told that it is at that point that the relationship will 'happen', and though earlier I only believed in causality as the only factor, I now see luck / the universe / God / destiny / whatever you wanna put there - has a part to play too.

Thanks for these comments. Who knows? maybe there's a reason my life is as it is now. Who knows? maybe there's a written plan for all our lives and in the spirit of the dao, I would let the life flow and see what kind of people it brings me.

Funnily as of an hour of me writing this, I'm very very close on embarking on to a relationship

good luck. Hopefully everything turns out just as you hope.

[jaamkie]

If you are comfortable online interacting with people, why not use that as an avenue to meet women for dates? I think the "trick" to dating and relationships, if there is one, is to just go out enough to get over the insecurity, to start believing there really is another, better for you, person around the corner if the first one doesn't work out for whatever reason.

Btw, if it helps, as a woman, if I were single and you were local, I'd totally want to meet you- you sound very thoughtful and kind and interesting!

[suchnessofmoment]

If you are comfortable online interacting with people, why not use that as an avenue to meet women for dates?

You bring up an a good point and it seems like an obvious thing to do. But I am reluctant to post my profile with the notion of " date me " - At least I haven't gotten over those types of insecurities yet. But online dating is a perfectly acceptable way of meeting a person. If I'm to have a relationship, I'd rather meet that person in person, at a workplace, or at college or by some freak chance

Your post has made me become introspective about my needs of being in a relationship. Obviously, online dating would look like the quick solution. But for some reason I'd prefer an indirect approach. Maybe it's my way of entertaining the notion of "need".

Maybe, as the time progresses I'd be mentally prepared for a direct approach.

[VelociRaptor]

Then you want to look at online communities such as carigslist and meetup.com. Get involved in groups that interest you. If you are into sports, join a sporting/fitness group, if you enjoy dancing, join a dance group.

Dance lessons are a pretty cool place to meet new groups of people. There always seems to be more women then men as well, and due to the physical closeness of dance, you are forced to learn to talk to people fairly quickly.

[striving4peace]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I think you're doing the female gender and yourself a great disservice by pretending that the majority of women behave like this.

This was actually a bit of a relavation to me, being told women are really like this. A close female friend of mine sorta gave me the Women 101 and Relationships 101 recently and that was one of the things in it.

To be honest it doesn't sit well with me - things like: attracting someone is a bit of a dance / game, that I can't be myself to attract someone. But it sorta did explain my abysmal history at asking girls out / relationships in general.

But as I talk to more people about this, I realize it's not everyone who thinks like this. Most people don't know the rules of the game, and get into relationships just by being themselves and liking someone else.