Improving my social life

[seeker5]

Ok, I want to improve how I handle casual situations and improve my social life.

I'm good at establishing deep friendships once I am friends with someone, and I'm good with being a leader in an organization - like Toastmasters. I'm naturally ok with establishing friendships online.

But so far, I'm baffled with dealing with casual situations in the physical world, especially when it involves more then one person at the same time. I'm a graduate student and I'm in a cohort group. That means, that all of us are taking the exact same 4 classes morning and evening. Two are in the morning, and two are in the early afternoon. Thus, we get out of the morning class, we have more then an hour for lunch and then we have the early afternoon class.

So when we get out of our morning classes, groups forms and go to lunch, and so far this semester, most of the time I end up eating alone while most of the others go out in different groups to eat lunch together. It's a little frustrating. At this rate, I'm seeing myself have the same type of social life I had as an undergraduate, and at companies where I've worked until now - which means - eating alone and not having much of a social life which would really sux and pretty much de-motivate me from even continuing my studies.

I'd really like to get out of that, and change it and develop the ability to have a rich social life where I'm eating lunch with people, having weekend plans, etc.

I've been invited to a few events so far this semester - like birthday get-together, and poker nights with my classmates - the kind of events where everyone is automatically invited to simply because you're in the cohort group. While there I've started doing the exercise from Steve's book where he talks about imagining you're connected with everyone else. It helps to make for a fun, enjoyable, and especially relaxing time, but it doesn't help when we're coming out of class and people are grouping to go get lunch.

So, any tips/suggestions/feedbacks?

[Angela]

I find it most easy to connect when I approach a new person as if we were already good friends -- as if you were already in the kind of social relationship you'd like to be in. It may feel a little odd at first, but people respond very well if you lead them into feeling related.

I don't mean hugging them and being all, "Hey, Buddy!" Rather, just being a leader in greeting them feeling like you're glad to see each other, and expecting that things will go smoothly and pleasurably.

Experiment with a couple of low-risk people and see for yourself.

[Plato]

A practical piece of advice is to fall into conversation as you walk out of the class. I mean, you already know them, so it should be all gravy. Also by spending time with people who have loads of connections you'll pick up their social butterfly behaviours.

[Dan.Linehan]

Which group do you want to have lunch with?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Which group do you want to have lunch with?

Any of them, all of them (groups of my classmates)

[Dan.Linehan]

Really? There are not all that many people I'd want to have lunch with. There isn't one or two groups that stand out?

Have you asked them where they are eating? That seems like it would be the easiest icebreaker.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Really? There are not all that many people I'd want to have lunch with. There isn't one or two groups that stand out?

Well, my class size is small - there's only 3-5 groups that eat together at the most I think. The groups have been in flux, but I think they are starting to get more solidified.

Have you asked them where they are eating? That seems like it would be the easiest icebreaker.

They tend to change where they eat each day as best I can tell. There's a bunch of different places nearby.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

I find it most easy to connect when I approach a new person as if we were already good friends -- as if you were already in the kind of social relationship you'd like to be in. It may feel a little odd at first, but people respond very well if you lead them into feeling related.

I don't mean hugging them and being all, "Hey, Buddy!" Rather, just being a leader in greeting them feeling like you're glad to see each other, and expecting that things will go smoothly and pleasurably.

Experiment with a couple of low-risk people and see for yourself.

I'll go ahead and try that. I do get a bit shy in a social situation when there's more then one person standing around though and I don't know them well.

Originally Posted by Plato

A practical piece of advice is to fall into conversation as you walk out of the class. I mean, you already know them, so it should be all gravy.

I like that idea. Come to think of it, that's how I was invited to go along the few times I did go to lunch previously - I just happen to be talking to one of them when they went and they asked me if I was coming along. I'll try to be more conscious of seeking out someone to fall into a conversation after class.

Also by spending time with people who have loads of connections you'll pick up their social butterfly behaviours.

Yeah, some of them are amazing at how quickly they've racked up friends in their short times here compared to myself. I definitely could pick up from their behavior.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Really? There are not all that many people I'd want to have lunch with. There isn't one or two groups that stand out?

Have you asked them where they are eating? That seems like it would be the easiest icebreaker.

Bingo, that should work. Or tell them you are going to (insert name) and invite them.

[seeker5]

Thank you guys!!

I went to work with your advice, and ran smack into a few disempowering belief and assumptions I had made along the way that blocked me from fully doing what you guys had suggested.

The wonderful thing is I am now aware of the disempowering assumptions and beliefs so I can now work on replacing them with better beliefs and assumptions.

It's so crazy how a negative belief can create a self-fulfilling prophecy!

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Thank you guys!!

I went to work with your advice, and ran smack into a few disempowering belief and assumptions I had made along the way that blocked me from fully doing what you guys had suggested.

The wonderful thing is I am now aware of the disempowering assumptions and beliefs so I can now work on replacing them with better beliefs and assumptions.

It's so crazy how a negative belief can create a self-fulfilling prophecy!

You're welcome seeker5!!! I am glad to see things are going better. A SUPER easy way to change things really fast is to visualize in your head how you would have liked to see the whole thing occur. It lets your brain know what to do for next time.

Keep us updated!