Dead end...follow your heart or let go?

[Lana]

Hello everyone,
I am new to the forum, I have read many threads already and found it so helpful and inspiring in so many ways! So, thanx in advance for taking the time to read what bothers me…

Well… I met the guy I fell in love with 2 years ago. We met in a chat-room, we were interested in each other from the beginning and started to talk everyday, msn and phone – calls. We wanted to meet but there was the distance problem… we live 300 miles apart. He made it clear that long – distance relationships don’t work out and that he wouldn’t want to get involved into something like this, because he wants to settle in his next relationship. He had been cheated by his previous girlfriends and had some trust issues as well… But the communication between us went on, and six months later I went to his town and we met and I fell in love with him and told him so. He was rather reserved, he told me that you can’t fall in love with someone if you don’t see him often, experience life events with him, get to know him in everyday life. I was so dissapointed… I went back to my town and got involved with someone else, out of my hurt ego… But it didn’t last with the other guy, I went back to him. And I made the mistake of telling him about my “affair”. From then on, he used it as an excuse that he was right not trusting me from the beginning, and told me I had proven to him that I wasn’t in love with him since I had slept with somebody else.

Time went by, we met several times (i went to the town he lived) and each time we had sex… I was broken – hearted afterwards because it clearly meant nothing more to him, whereas what I always wanted was to be finally with him (and I was fool enough to think that sex would bring us closer…) Anyway, last year he met someone new in his town and started dating her, but he told her he wanted a free relationship since he doesn’t want commitment. He told me we should be friends and I accepted that, I wanted him in my life every way possible! But the “friends” thing lasted only till we met again, and we had sex again, and I told him I didn’t care about the other girl, and that I love him but I know I can’t expect anything from him now because of the circumstances. (He joins the army in a month - in my country army service is obligatory – and as for the distance problem… I will move to his town in 5 months after I get my degree from college first).

I have made so many mistakes… he is a difficult person, and so am I, but I know we would be well together. How can it be that you find what feel is the perfect match, but the other person doesn’t feel the same way?? I can’t see this situation as an unrecruited love, because we never had the chance to be together and see how it goes. And I know he feels things about me, he just can’t allow himself to be open and vurnerable to me since we are not in a relationship. And being cold and distant is his self-defensive mechanism.

And as for LOA and stuff… I am so confused, I use an affirmation to be with someone whom I love and he loves me back and we are together, but unconsiously dream of this “someone” to be him. Am I “blocking” other possible partners this way? By insisting on something that can’t be granted to me right away? (Even if he wants me too… the obligatory service is one year…)

I don’t know what to do. I fear that if I cut the communication completely (because it hurts me thinking about him when he sees another girl), I give space to her, and this will lead tome and him will becoming more alienated. But if I continue this situation that can’t change soon enough, I might be loosing opportunities to meet other people… so, do I let go? Supposedly, with the LOA you must let go from the final outcome. Does that mean I let go of this person as well? Both things hurt – having contact with him hoping to be together sometime in the feature, and letting go of him - stoping all contact. I just don't know what is best…

[JimOfferman]

Question: does this relationship bring you happiness?
Answer: no!

Your plane is crashing. Eject now and parachute to a safe distance.

You deserve better than him!

[aelle]

Lana, your story reminds me in many ways of one I was in a few years ago. The absence of commitment, the sex without feelings, the decisions to be friends but not sticking with it, the other women. Not one of these things is a problem in itself if all people involved agree on them, but they very clearly aren't what you want. You are maintaining yourself in a situation of unhappiness and powerlessness (apparently the relationship is what he defines it to be, and you just follow). And since he knows about your feelings but still won't change his attitude, he is using you.

You have tried talking to him, he did not change. You do not have the power to build the relationship by yourself. Do what is in your power: walk out.

If your experience goes like mine, it will indeed be tough and heartbreaking, but it will also be a great learning experience. You will know for sure what you want out of future relationships and what boundaries to set so that they are based on mutual respect - be they commited or casual. It will hurt now but you will lay ground for a much happier future for yourself.

[funchy]

You've already gotten some great replies. I also believe you need to move on.

You want a meaninful relationship. He wants just sex and just on his terms. You deserve better than that.

Understand just one thing about people and relationships: you can never change the other person. If they change, it's because they wanted to. But it makes no sense to hang around waiting, hoping, crying, or pushing to make them into something they're not.

I'm sorry. *hugs*

[Lana]

Thanks for the answers… I see one more time that people outside of the situation can be objective and offer you a clear perspective… and it’s true that truth hurts But you finally have to face it in the eye and stop fooling yourself.

Understand just one thing about people and relationships: you can never change the other person. If they change, it's because they wanted to. But it makes no sense to hang around waiting, hoping, crying, or pushing to make them into something they're not.

Funchy you are so right, through the stuff I ‘ve been with this person I have fully realized that! But in this case, I find myself hanging on because he doesn’t open up to me and he makes it seem as though we are not together due to the circumstances… bad timing and all. Also, I am not trying to change him… I have just always tried to prove to him that I trully care and love him. How can it be that you tell a person how you feel but he is cynical and ironic and doesn’t believe you?? This drives me crazy. I would accept it if he told me he doesn’t feel the same way, but he just keeps rejecting my feelings… and deep down I want to believe that he is acting that way because he is afraid of commitment and intimacy.

If your experience goes like mine, it will indeed be tough and heartbreaking, but it will also be a great learning experience. You will know for sure what you want out of future relationships and what boundaries to set so that they are based on mutual respect - be they commited or casual.

aelle I think that I have learned my lessons well… yes I know what I want from now on from a relationship, I just wanted it to be with him finally… How do you fight bad timing? No way I guess… and it takes two to have a relationship. Anyway, were you able to cut off from that guy completely? I simply can’t do that, but I am in no position of telling him now to be friends. I just don’t know how to handle this. I am thinking about speaking to him for a last time about how I am thinking of us together in the future, and then let him decide. Because rigth now he thinks I am fine with the situation as it is (how stupid am I to have told him I have no problem with the other girl )

[sepiagal]

It doesn't matter how much two people love each other; what matters is the baggage they each bring to the relationship. I think its possible to meet your soulmate and have the worst relationship with that person. There is a thin line between love and hate. The more passionate the love - the more passionate the hate too.

He has his issues and you have yours. We all have issues. Sometimes we meet someone who has the perfect compliment of baggage we need. They may be the parent of the opposite sex and we naturally gravitate to their qualities because they are so familiar.

Relationships are hard because we learn from our parents who most definitely made mistakes. We just repeat our parents mistakes with a complete stranger essentially who is repeating his parents mistakes too. Its the blind leading the blind.

That's why being part of a congregation or some organized religion might mean some marriage counseling to help point you both in the right direction.

Try to see this relationship as a chance to learn something about yourself and what you want or don't want in a relationship.

[Parthon]

Normally I would be the first to jump in and say "dump the loser", but it looks like there's more at work here.

It sounds like you definately love the guy, but he's having problems letting himself love anyone else. It could be because of his childhood, and I would say it is, but it was worsened by his "cheating ex-girlfriend" that he carries around with him everywhere now.

He's put a lock on his own heart so it won't get hurt again, but he can't see that it's withering away in the dark. Unless he opens up, it will wither away and die as he tries to protect it from getting hurt. The way he's spoken about his "new girlfriend" and his need for an open relationship is just another way for him to avoid connecting with another person.

Unfortunately your choice comes down to breaking it off, and casting him away, or to stay with him and try and break down his barriers while he resists you the whole way. You could be good together, but it would take both of you being willing, and while it sounds like you are very willing, he doesn't.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Lana

[...]
I think that I have learned my lessons well… yes I know what I want from now on from a relationship, I just wanted it to be with him finally… How do you fight bad timing? No way I guess… and it takes two to have a relationship. Anyway, were you able to cut off from that guy completely? I simply can’t do that, but I am in no position of telling him now to be friends. I just don’t know how to handle this. I am thinking about speaking to him for a last time about how I am thinking of us together in the future, and then let him decide. Because rigth now he thinks I am fine with the situation as it is (how stupid am I to have told him I have no problem with the other girl )

In my case, cutting him off wasn't entirely my decision. He dumped me (not the first time), I was a bit of a mess for weeks but happened to have a 2 month trip abroad planned shortly after that. Meeting new people and being in a completely different environment helped me get better, regain my smashed self esteem and gain perspective. When I came back, I had an email from him saying, basically "So do you want to come to my place [so we can have sex]?" I wondered if I was reading right, if he was really such an a*s. I asked him that exactly, and his answer? "Oh well, I was horny, worth a shot." So I got immediate confirmation that cutting him out was the right decision!

You really don't have many options here, wait or break up. I really advise you take the initiative of breaking up, telling him exactly why. And don't wait for him! If there is any chance at all of a real relationship happening, he will need to make a strong move, no matter what. If he doesn't, lesson learnt, allow yourself some time to wallow and then life goes on.

Parthon, he may indeed be carrying trauma or refraining himself from loving, but for Lana this doesn't matter much: the point is she wants to be in a relationship and, whatever the reason, he does not. They cannot be happy together at this point.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by aelle

You really don't have many options here, wait or break up. I really advise you take the initiative of breaking up, telling him exactly why. And don't wait for him! If there is any chance at all of a real relationship happening, he will need to make a strong move, no matter what. If he doesn't, lesson learnt, allow yourself some time to wallow and then life goes on.

This is great, direct advice. I hope you figure it out, Lana!

[Lana]

Once again thanx for you replies.

Unfortunately your choice comes down to breaking it off, and casting him away, or to stay with him and try and break down his barriers while he resists you the whole way. You could be good together, but it would take both of you being willing, and while it sounds like you are very willing, he doesn't.

You really don't have many options here, wait or break up. I really advise you take the initiative of breaking up, telling him exactly why. And don't wait for him! If there is any chance at all of a real relationship happening, he will need to make a strong move, no matter what. If he doesn't, lesson learnt, allow yourself some time to wallow and then life goes on.

The first one speaks to my heart - don't give up on him, keep trying to pull down the walls he has built between us, and someday in the future he will admit his love for me and we will live happily ever after... but the second one speaks to my mind - the logical thing is to let go, and see if anything changes then.
Someone said that the definition of madness is to keep repeating the same actions over and over again, expecting a different outcome. In that case, I have been really crazy the last 1,5 year

Just an hour ago I was arranging with him to visit him in his town... I asked him if it's more convenient next weekend, but he told me he is flying then to the place the other girl lives... Oh my God, I felt a knife penetrating my heart and can't stop crying. Because when I was inviting him in my town the first months we had met, there was always an excuse why he couldn't come and I was justifying him (he has a lot of problems). And he always told me how he doesn't like it at all leaving his place and traveling ect. And on top of that, he told me the thing with the other girl isn't serious - she wants a relationship too but he can't give anything at this point! But for her he is willing to go over her town... I feel torn apart and used and that all this time I meant nothing to him... it hurts so much

Anyway, I must take a desicion... In 3 weeks he is joining the army and we won't have any contact from then on, so I want to meet him for a last time and tell him how I feel. I can't keep hurting myself this way. He is free on Sunday and has invited me there, I told him I will think about it and let him know. A part of me doesn't want to go and face him, being hurt so deeply, but another part is screaming "go there and put an end to this! I can't take it anymore!"
Well, what should I do? Go on Sunday or wait for the next days to pass and contact him later when I will be more calmed down?

[Niamh]

Oh, Lana. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Listen, I think the best thing you could do is open yourself up. Say it all. Say it now. Even Sunday seems far-off for this kind of thing. Your heart is hurting so much; let him know, and be prepared to let him go. Say it all... Go mad and let it all out. Even if it's something that you might be embarrassed or scared to admit, say it all. Don't let your heart be heavy with this. You surrender when you say it all. There's nothing more for you to do. That's when you'll get your answer. This is about now... Don't think that you "can take it" a while longer. Sure, you're strong. But, there is no reason for you to suffer like this. Don't do that to your spirit. You accept him as he is. Expect the same in return. What you feel is part of you, and you should/must express it. Don't hide yourself, or restrain yourself because "he might not be ready". You are. You need to live according to you, not anyone else. Be you. Show him you.

*blessings* I send you lots of love and light.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by aelle

Parthon, he may indeed be carrying trauma or refraining himself from loving, but for Lana this doesn't matter much: the point is she wants to be in a relationship and, whatever the reason, he does not. They cannot be happy together at this point.

I agree.

Lana: Go and see him, but stay true to yourself. He will react and become defensive, and you must be strong in the face of his reaction and not react yourself. You've gone there to say something specific and very important to you, so you must stick to getting your point across. Don't console him, as he will want you to, just get him to understand where you are coming from. Speak from your heart as well as your mind, and express your self fully.

Lastly: Good luck, I wish you a lot of courage.

[Lana]

First of all a delayed thanx for the advice!

Well, I went to his town Sunday afternoon… it wasn’t clear in my head if I wanted to talk to him and open up, because part of me wanted to go and have a good time with him since I have missed him so much. He felt a little sick when I arrived so we stayed at his place watching movies, playing on-line games and having small conversations about everything. Then we went for sleep (slept together in his bed – no sex), and the next day we went for a big walk and talked and laughed and I was thinking that I don’t want to lose him from my life, but I can’t have him the way I want either.

Well, I couln’t restrain, so before getting on the train I asked him about what kind of relationship do we have… he said we can’t be anything more than friends right now. He is joining the army in 2 weeks and the service is for one year and there is no point in making commitments since there can’t be a normal relationship that way. I asked him, if the circumstences weren’t such, would we be together now? And he told me not to ask hypothetical questions, if the circumstences were other, only then could he answer me being sure. But I said that that way he gives hopes, it’s like saying “wait for me for a year and then we ‘ll see if it can work out”. He told me not to have such hopes because life goes on. And when I told him that I was hurt that he was going to visit the other girl in her town but had never come to mine, he said he wasn’t going to see her, he just goes for some vacation before joining the army. He isn’t interested in her, they just have a good time.
And lastly… I asked him what he feels about me… he seemed embarrassed and avoided looking at me, he said he felt sympathy! And that he enjoys our time together and that he likes me, but there can be nothing more between us, since we see each other occasionally. I told him that if 2 people want each other they can overcome any obstacles, and he replied that that’s the case only if there is something strong between them already, which isn’t our case (since because of the distance, we hadn't spent much time together and let feelings develop from his part). Then we said goodbye… he told me to talk to him on msn, only if I want to continue the communication – it’s up to me. We haven’t talked since then.

What can I say? From his point of view, he is right. He is willing to be in a relationship with me only under the right circumstances. I will move to his town in 6 months, and he will be “free” again in a year. But I think there is no point in me waiting for him since he doesn’t feel the same way. I want a relationship right now, but only with him So, I am confused again… and sure I can’t cut off completely. I can stand being only friends, I want to be in his life, but I don’t want to get hurt again. And surely I don’t want to put my life on hold – like not dating anyone else ect.

What do you think? If you truly feel that you belong with a certain person, is it worthy to wait? (in the same time respecting your own self and needs?)

[Parthon]

Even as much as you love him, and even as much as you feel you are meant to be together, I don't think it's going to work.

A year is a long time, much can happen in a year. Either one of you could change in ways unthought of, one of you might find someone else, move to a different country or even have a complete change in your outlook on life. I'm not saying it's the wrong thing to do, but do you want to waste a year of your life to wait for a maybe from someone who is that resistant? Few people would, no matter how strong the connection.

The best advice is to do what you know is best, and what you know will give you the greatest outcome.