Close Friends Becoming Distant

[straysweeper]

My best friend over the past 3 years and I have become distant after my move. I've tried calling, the same as I usually do. Few times per week. Since I lost my cell phone, I call but don't get calls back. I think I've gotten like 4. And 3 of them in one day when she had a question. Is this typical?

[Annabelle]

It happens, you know, that friends become distant when they are far away. I would try to stay connected, though, calling, sending e-mails, etc. And, GET a new cell phone.

[ns123]

This happened to my friend and me too. We used to be close, saw each other at least 2-3 times a month. Our kids adored each other.

She moved away, and she stopped returning my calls. She even came to visit her parents here in town, stayed for a month, and didn't call me. Maybe she never saw me as a friend? I don't know. I still don't know.

It does hurt when someone you love just leaves you hanging. Without an explanation. It just putters out. It makes me sad still.

I am sad that it happened (ending of a friendship). But she is free to choose her friends (and choose who is not her friend). And if she ever contacts me, I will do my best to keep my heart open.

Easier said than done though. But I'd like to think I will choose to respond with love.

[estudiant9]

I don't mean to get overly psychoanalytical here, but many, many of us are moderately dissatisfied with the general state of things in our lives. It may not be a full-blown misery, but more of a background unease. That's why many of us seek novelty - new surrounding, new sexual partner, new activities. Oftentimes it's all in the name of "creative challenge," but it's undeniable to we do things to mask the overhanging unease of our lives. How is this relevant?

I think that, whenever there's a change in social dynamics, whether due to physical separation, conflict, etc., we tend to see in it an opening, a pad for launching a new life, a new beginning, although in a small way. As cruel as it may sound, getting rid of a person who's made up a significant part of one's life can be a great excuse for seeking new social circles, trying new things, etc.

Or it may just be the old adage "Out of sight, out of mind," proving to be true. I personally find it very much to be true.

[daredevil83]

I think it's normal - moving to the distant place causes that relationship becomes weaker. The solution is to make conscious effort to maintain it. Both sides should do it, but sometimes one of them doesn't do it (for many reasons). So then, if this relationship is important to you, you have to take action.

I lost lots of friends, because I always expected that they should do the necessary steps to maintain our friendship and I did almost nothing, waiting for they first step.

You should also remember, that everything changes - you have your life and she has her own one.. Maybe your and her paths aren't common anymore?

[ns123]

Originally Posted by estudiant9

I think that, whenever there's a change in social dynamics, whether due to physical separation, conflict, etc., we tend to see in it an opening, a pad for launching a new life, a new beginning, although in a small way.

You are so right! This is a wonderful way to look at things and I am willing to commit to shift my perspective this way. Instead of lamenting (as I have done) the sadness of an ending friendship, I should think of it as an opening to invite new experiences and new people in my life!

Scary thought, but new and exciting always has an element of unknown!

Thanks for saying this, I really needed to hear this.

[straysweeper]

I guess I have more of a fighting personality. A lot of themes that resonate with me involve fighting for what you want. I can't remember a time that I've fought involving another person that it hasn't ended up well, especially for me. I'll be giving this some more thought.

[Yellow]

That happens with me and my best friend every few months. But, usually things return to normal after some time.

These days, it is back to being distant. I thought of talking to her about this but I don't want to be the one bringing this topic up every time. Also, it doesn't seem like she feels like we've grown distant. Whatever, things will return to normal like they always do.

[ant333]

I've had long time friendships that have ended because we grew apart.

Also, remember friendships are created at a point in time, as a time goes on and we evolve, they no longer suit our energetics.

I found i was a giving,low self esteem person when i was younger. As i grew stronger, i lost some of my old friends i made when i was younger. They liked the fact that i wasn't a threat to them. As soon as i wised up to a lot of stuff, they shut down and grew distant.

Everyone has a different adjenda. Most of the time, if you're feeling unappreciated by a friend, over and over, it's time to let them go and move on. What a friendship means to them could be different to you, or they lack the integrity to be honest and open with you.

This is what i found, more often then not. I would have friends be nice to me, but an unsettling feeling within lead me to believe more. As it turns out, these friendships weren't based on mutual respect and growth, but more on gaining energy thru control dramas & passive aggression.

You want someone who is honest, open, and genuinley cares about you and listens. If you feel they're using you, and you feel drained after being around them, thats a good sign it's not working.

[Zenduba]

I have a friend who has the tendency of becoming quite distant when he's in a relationship, things usually return back to normal after he breaks up with the girl (he's a bit of a Don Juan). At first this used to irritate me but I've come to accept this as a part of his personality (I'm sure there are plenty of things that I do in turn that are annoying to him) and more importantly I've told him about it instead of moping about it. It gives me time to explore other relationships that would have otherwise atrophied.

If you had a deepy meaningful relationship with that person then I suggest you do all that you can (within the confines of conscience and reason) to resuscitate it, but if it was just a relationship with no companionship then I suggest you let it go and go and find/create the real relationship you should be experiencing.