She's cheating on me - please, I need an advice!

[real_username]

Ok - just to start. I have another nickname here, but because I'm ashamed I registered new one (please mods understand me).

I have been in this relationship (I thought it serious) in about a year. The girlfriend is my colegue. It has been so wonderful and perfect. Till the last few months.
Then what happened - she attended a concert at another city. And then rumours started at work that she's my boss's lover (probably someone seen them there). I knew that she traveled with him (she told me so, but nothing more) and I defended her in front of everyone.. I think they believed her and me.... But then I started to be jealous - something I've never been. And how all started: She told me that she's losing everyone's respect for what they think she'd done. And I told her "Yup. It would be OK if you F***d him". And she looked at me strange.... as if she wondered that I knew something...
After that I've never looked with a good eye at her meetings with him. Because they meet a lot.... that is supposed to be that way. She always smells like his perfume, but I excused that because even I after a short meeting with him smell like it. This doesn't mean I've never been jealous of him...
And then today.... I needed to use her work cell phone. And checked her text messages. Oh, my dear god. Her inbox was full of messages like "I love you", "Me too", "Kissing you, sunshine"... and all of this kind. From him... my boss. I wanted to die.... immediately.
So I need an advice what to do with her.... I don't want to lose her. But I want to be honest with her... and try to stop this relationship with him...
She's always told me that she was physically attracted to him. In fact when we started our relationship (this was when I moved to her office) shehas been really almost in love with him.....and have always told me that I've saved her. Because she couldn't afford a relationship with her boss.... now it's obvious that it's not like that anymore.

Please. Guys, girls. I'm desperate. I really feel she's the woman of my life.... and don't want to lose her. But I can't go on like that. I really feel like commiting a suicide. Can't live imagining him ****** her. Or even touching her, kissing her, etc....

Thanks for all advices.....
Yours,
Real_Username

[Cron]

Ask her flat out (respectfully) if she is cheating on you.

If you don't have trust in a relatioship you have nothing. After she gives you an answer you need to decide if both of you are willing to work on rescuing the relationship( rebuilding trust, communication, etc ).

When you ask her you might want to not mention that you know. Could be a good test towards seeing if you can trust her.

You are going to have to rely on your judgement if she is likely to cheat on you ever again.

You are entitled to feel upset, but whatever you do, do not catasrophize this situation in your mind. People break up every day, good people are cheated on every day, people have the love of their lives die everyday. They are ordinary people who hurt like hell when it happens, but they recover and move on. You can and will too.

No matter what happens you will probably want to find a new job as at least you will feel incredibly uncomfortable at this job and may put your career at risk depending on how other people handle you asking/finding out.

Again, it IS a big deal, you are entitled to feel devastated, but it happens to people and they recover. Remember that and it will help you get through it quicker.

[Velvet]

Real_User, please go do something really good for yourself right now. Go for a run, go swimming, go take a yoga class, go be around people who love you. You must get yourself to a better-feeling place.

Then take a look at this video:

Video: Inquiry—Jealousy (ByronKatie.com)

Jealousy is a gigantic distortion of the truth. if this woman is cheating on you it is NO reflection on you, your worth, or your loveability.

Please take care of yourself and check back in with us.

[TheColonel]

End it immediately, and do it in a cool way.

Don't lose your temper, don't cry, don't do anything but say "This isn't working out. Sorry."

You need to save your dignity, or this will haunt you.

Read that again.


There are no kids involved, so be thankful.

Get away from this situation as fast and as cool as you can. Focus on 'what's next'.

Life is a great series of adventures, and you're not to blame for someone else's weakness.

Get out!

[Khristine]

While reading your original post and the responses a movie came to mind, of all things it was "Bruce Almighty". At the end of this movie Bruce was in Heaven talking to God, and God asked him to "pray". Bruce finally prayed that his girlfriend would be happy and to find love even if it meant that it was not going to be himself. He loved her that much.

It's hard when you want something sooo bad, we feel lost, we try to force "it" to work out the way we want it to. Sometimes we just have to let go.

Here is a quote I found:

"If you love someone set them free, If they come back it was meant to be".Anna Jovanovic

[Cron]

I agree with the Colonel. If you don't want and don't think the relationship is salvagable end it, and end it with dignity.

[real_username]

Thanks for your quick and supportive reactions....

@Cron - I want to give an example where a female coleague of our recently cheated on her husband.... for 8 months. And her husband patiently waited all this time, not mentioning anything. Even her crazy moods sometimes. And then, when her cheating was over, she decided to go back with him and focus her attention just on him. Her husband then told her that he knew about the other guy... and just hugged her.... nothing else. My girlfriend really liked the guy's reactions and told me "That's a real man".... nothing else. And this splits me on what I want to do - let her "live" her thrill with the boss till/if it's over, or talk to her straight. That's what I don't know how to do....
@Velvet - thanks, but I really can't be anywhere now. Every single place in this city, every music on the radio, every single item in front of my eyes reminds me of her. And I've been really sad today. She calls me all the time (we don't live together) and sounds worried. She wants me to be OK, that's for sure. But I can't be. There's nothing that might cheer me at this moment. I should leave the city for a couple of days which I don't have finances for.
@TheColonel - I can't, I don't want. I want her. Only her in my life. I really know she's the one. I feel it. I know it. And if this ends, it's better for my life to end.... at the age of 25 this would be sad.... I can't be cool about that.


I just want her back in my life. But know for sure that she's "mine".


p.s. Probably one thing, that I should mention is her understanding of a relationship and love. She's a young - 21 yr old girl, and has had 3 relationships before ours. She want a relationship to always save this thrill, lust, passion of the first couple of months. And this doesn't happen. She finds it uncool and doesn't want to be with someone, she doesn't feel passion for. I think I changed this thinking (partly) - and I'm sure she loves me, and cares for me. Just doesn't have passion for me. And maybe seeks another lust... who knows..... I'm not able to think clearly. :-(

This is how I feel.... again - thanks... you're great. I really have noone, I can share this with, except you.....THANKS!

[Cron]

Please forgive me if I sound condescending. I do not mean to be. I am a few years older than you and your girlfriend. I believe some ways you two are looking at things are a bit on the naive side.

First, the "in love" head over heals thing does not last. There are even scientists publishing papers to that effect, measuring it about a year's maximum. What does last is respect, trust, compatibility, and character. People who spend their lives together stay happy for those reasons and work at it.

Your girlfriend sounds immature. When I was your age I would have looked at your situation similarly. Having been there, survived, and moved on I can tell you that your life is worth 100,000 times more than this relatioship. I can guarantee you will be happen again if it ends and that you will find someone better.

Repairing a relationship is for people who have been together for a long time and have a lot of ties.

If that isn't there the best thing to do if someone cheats on you is to end it and save your dignity in the process. Like the Colonel said, when you look back you will be glad you did.

If she cheated on you it says something about her character and there are increased chances she will cheat on you again.

If you wait patiently until she "gets done" with her fling she will not respect you and you will not deserve it because you will be letting her walk all over you. As a person you deserve a minimum of respect and her ideas of having affairs and expecting partners to be cool about it violate so many levels of basic respect.

Go with the Colonel.

Remember:
1. You will get another job
2. You will get another girlfriend, probably a better one
3. You will be happy again, even tremendoulsy so

For the future, there is an old convention of not dating people you work with. It looks like you learned one of the reasons why you don't want to do this.

Take what you can of what people have told you and move on.

Nobody is going to give you advice on how to take being cheated on like a sport. You shouldn't.

[Cron]

Hey RealUserName;

Again, sorry if I came off as condescending. When I was your age I looked at women and relationships in similar ways. I desperately clang to bad relationships, accepting any dumb tripe the girl said as a reason. When people told me, as I am telling you now that you will be happy again, that this girl is just one passing girl, and that you will find someone better I REFUSED to believe it.

So, if you refuse to believe that you aren't doing any worse than I did, good luck.

When you are over this you may want to put to rest the idea that a relationship is the end all, be all of happiness in a human life. That isn't to say you should not pursue one, just that you should not think of a human life as any less fufillable (sp?) without one.

[real_username]

Hey Cron,
You're right. I refuse to believe that there's going to be happiness "after" (if) her. I have had many relationships... even long-term ones... but never felt anything closer to the thing I have with this one... never. I won't be wrong if I say any of the previous match 0.01% of what I have now. This is tremendous. That's why I feel her as "the love of my life" - even if I'm wrong. Who knows, only time will tell. The thing I know now - I love her. I love everything about her. I want her in my life. Will accept even that fact (of course if she's honest, and the thing ends soon/immediately). But am afraid of talking to her. She would feel like I'm pushing her, I'm afraid. Even that I don't trust her (because I was checking her cell phone - something I've never thought doing before).
But I need her, want her.... oh you don't know her. She's the most wonderful human being......

[Cron]

Originally Posted by real_username

Hey Cron,
You're right. I refuse to believe that there's going to be happiness "after" (if) her.

You are wrong. There are people who have had partners they have loved deeply for a life time, who have lost them in old age, and who have gone on to recover, be happy.

I love her. I love everything about her.

What exactly do you love about her? Is it an undefinable feeling? If so, that is the thing that fades in time. After that, who you are as people builds real love. As of right now that person is a person who has no problem with cheating and lying. Are those lovable qualities? Again, ask yourself what it is exactly that you love. Can other women posses these qualities?

She would feel like I'm pushing her,

************ that, she is cheating on you, expecting you take it, and is lying to you.

I guarantee you that you will feel hurt, you will get over it, you'll get another job, another girl, another love, and find happiness beyond all of that.

Go ahead and refuse to believe it. Your bogus thinking will just fester upsetting emotions and you will only extend your own misery. Even then, you will eventually come out of it.

It is just up to you how much punishment you are willing to take.

Like I said, having been in your spot and having heard the exact same stuff I know there is a good chance that nothing I say will get through.

Good luck, I mean that.

[daveangeles]

real_username,

I know you're in pain right now. I agree with what the others have said though: move on, learn from your mistakes (dating within the workplace is quite tricky), and trust us that you'll find someone better.

You need to snap out of this feeling sorry for yourself and 'this girl is so amazing I can't afford to lose her' mentality. Two reasons:

1. It's keeping you miserable
2. It is extremely unattractive to available women

You sound desperate and clingy. You need to adopt a more care-free attitude toward relationships; if it was meant to be, it would be. Feel fortunate that you know what this girl is about right now -- as opposed to down the road when you are even more attached to her.

You think it's bad that she cheated on you w/ your boss? What if, three months from now, you found out she had slept with your best friend? Better to know her lack of character now and learn from this.

Angeles

[Caveman Joe]

A little story for you...
...actually, no. No story. It's a long 'un, and I don't feel like telling it right now. But suffice to say, I had a breakup so spectacularly, cringingly awful that bards will sing of it for centuries to come - and then met a girl who made me happier than the one I just broke up with, the one I was engaged to and had been with for nearly five years.
In doing so, I quickly found out several things:

1. Self-respect is damn important, and it's something that you can easily run out of.
2. Joy, on the other hand, is infinite. There's no upper limit to how happy you can be. It may seem that way - in fact, for the five years I was dating that godawful cow I believed myself to be the happiest I've ever been or ever could be - but every now and then something will make you even happier, forcing you to redefine happiness and what it means to you.
In short, mate, every time you think you're the happiest you can possibly be, you're wrong. You WILL be happier.
I say dump her as quickly as possible, and ensure your boss learns that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable (use whatever methods seem fair to you). If you still feel resentment towards your boss, console yourself with the fact that he'll always feel a little bit edgy about whether or not she's cheating on him - after all, she's done it before, so there's nowt to stop her doing it again.
Cut it clean and move on. Don't try to stay friends - if in a year or two you meet up and you can put it all behind you, then go for it, but don't try it right now - and then get on with your life. Right now she's simply a drain on your life, and you're spending far too much time being panicky and miserable.

*DISCLAIMER* - as you've probably figured out by now, I've been in your situation - as such, I am in NO position to offer an objective viewpoint on this topic, so take my advice with a pinch of salt.

[TheColonel]

You seem determined to be the big loser in this. You may not even realize it.

I'm older too. And I've been in your shoes. It took me a couple of years to get my head together afterwards. But here's the distilled truth for you:

1 - She's gonna dump you.
2 - You will be in EVEN MORE PAIN.
3 - No matter what, at that point, she will never, ever come back to you.

Why? Because she will have lost respect for you. She'll see you as spineless and weak.

Your only option:

1 - LEAVE HER!

If you do this, you will feel in control. She will see you as being in control, and she will have respect for you because you didn't turn into a mealy-mouthed doormat.

Maybe....you can work it out with later if you take this course of action.

But pay close attention here, because it may seem counter-intuitive -

LEAVE HER, AND DO IT NOW.

Log off the internet, and call her on her cell. Make it quick and surgical. Do not get into a discussion about anything.

IN & OUT.

[Cron]

Whether you look at it from a mystical angle, a PD one ( self talk ), or psychological one ( Cognitive Therapy ) what you verbalize to yourself has a huge impact on your happiness.

If you say:

" It will be just **AWFUL** if we break up and I will **NEVER** be happy again!"

You will feel a lot worse than if you tell yourself:

"If we break up I will be in some pain for a while, I will be lonely, and I will have to work a little bit at feeling happy again, but I will get there after a time"

Which is more accurate to reality.

People make the bad things that happen in life feel worse than they are with the thoughts they choose to tell themselves.

Many people have seen this. Why do people do it?

Crying to get what we want is one of our oldest behavior patterns in our brains and our psychology. If something isn't to our liking, make a stink, and it will go away. Even the best of people never get that lesson entirely out of their heads with all areas of life.

Telling yourself exaggerated negative thoughts in bad situations, I believe, is merely the adult version and more sophisticated form of "making a stink" with the subconsious belief that doing so will "make it all better"

Hard to stop, for sure. When I am perfect I will give you detailed steps for how to do it :-)

In the meantime take it for what it is worth.

If you tell yourself the truth about your situation instead of some over dramatic exaggeration, you will still hurt, and you should, but you will come out of it sooner.

[troque23]

real_username,

I think folks here are giving excellent advice. It's difficult to heed this advice because what you probably want to hear is, "Yes, stick with it, stay with her, you can work it out."

The reality however is that you really should end the relationship before it ends you. Being in love is great but only if it is reciprocated with respect and trust. The bottom line is that she does not respect you (and her boss) enough to be honest with everyone involved. Without that honesty, you can't have trust, without trust, there is no relationship.

It's time for you to step back, be with your close friends and family, and take care of yourself.

Though I've never been involved with anyone who has cheated on me, I have had my heart broken by someone who was "the one". It's a big world full of beautiful people with wonderful souls, and eventually, you will find another "the one", one who will reciprocate the love and respect you deserve.

Sending you love and light,
Trish

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by real_username

Please. Guys, girls. I'm desperate. I really feel she's the woman of my life.... and don't want to lose her. But I can't go on like that. I really feel like commiting a suicide. Can't live imagining him ****** her. Or even touching her, kissing her, etc....

Thanks for all advices.....
Yours,
Real_Username

I think you need to find local help. Internet forums can only go so far. I'm sure we are all intending to help but I don't know you or the whole story - it's hard to see everything with some paragraphs in a forum.

The suicide thoughts thing is not to be messed around with - find a local consouler. I hope this forum is not your only sounding board. If it is, hang in there and try to be objective. Look at the situation from outside of your love sick puppy position and what do you see? Does that guy really want someone that gets love notes from someone else? There are ways to repair infidelity, if that's what the facts are, and it takes a lot and usually works because there are other motivating reasons (like kids).

Remember "love is blind" and you may not be thinking while all intoxicated and now tramatized by finding out.

[msd]

Originally Posted by real_username

@TheColonel - I can't, I don't want. I want her. Only her in my life. I really know she's the one. I feel it. I know it. And if this ends, it's better for my life to end.... at the age of 25 this would be sad.... I can't be cool about that.

I know this is going to fall on deaf ears but here goes.
Been there, Done that. I died inside. I thought I'd never find someone else and be happy again. But I did, and I am happier
For some perspective, There are some 3.4 billion women on this planet and you want to end your life for 1? who is cheating on you? lying to you?

Leave her. She doesn't deserve you. Trust me, you'll find someone else in time. Like Caveman Joe said, Self Respect is something you can easily run out of.

Yeah, I know you don't want to leave her, but look at the alternative. How can you ever trust her? If you stay with her, from now on your life will be constantly filled with worries about her whereabouts and behavior when you're not around. Trust me, you can easily worry yourself to death like that. And that's a miserable way to live if you ask me.

Don't Confuse Love with Desperation. You may love her but what you are feeling right now is desperation. you'll get over it in time, but it's time to go get your dignity back by dumping her.

[Cron]

Originally Posted by TheColonel

You seem determined to be the big loser in this. You may not even realize it.

I'm older too. And I've been in your shoes. It took me a couple of years to get my head together afterwards. But here's the distilled truth for you:

1 - She's gonna dump you.
2 - You will be in EVEN MORE PAIN.
3 - No matter what, at that point, she will never, ever come back to you.

Why? Because she will have lost respect for you. She'll see you as spineless and weak.

That is the take home lesson.

Women want strength. That doesn't necessarily mean muscles, money, or power. Women can see a multitude of qualities as strength. Once she sees that she doesn't have to respect you consciously or not, you will look weak to her, you will cease to be attractive to her and she will leave.

There is a big difference between what people say and what they know reality to be. This is especially true with dating, sex, and romance. Don't go by what people say, go by what you see and don't use exceptions to rules as rationalizations to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ yourself.

Stories from your GF about some guy being cool for taking a cheating GF back without a peep is a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ exception.

Reality:
- Almost nobody likes being cheated on,
- almost everyone thinks it is a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ thing to do to another person
- almost everyone thinks it isn't healthy to let it be done to you.

[troque23]

I take back something I wrote in my previous post -- I have been in a relationship with someone who has cheated on me.

I just remembered, but it was a long time ago, in my early 20s (I'm now in my mid-30s) and it was certainly a significant relationship, one that changed my life. The fact that I had forgotten what seemed to me at the time a devastating piece of news, just illustrates the idea that one can move on from hurtful relationships like this. Not only move on but learn from!

So, end the relationship, learn from it, heal, and move on so that when you meet the woman of your dreams, you will be whole!

Trish

[Jaben]

To state the obvious. You have a conflict in interest. This woman is interested in polyamory and your not. I read somewhere that many marriages have an unspoken rule that cheating is OK if it is not local and not spoken about. net127 » The New Monogamy coins this as "Don’t ask, don’t tell."

You have to decide for yourself what is acceptable and what's not. Maybe she is so wonderful that you would rather be with her and allow her to cheat than to leave her. But, I bet you're worthy of better. Cron and the Colonel are probably right too, she will see you as weak if you allow it... Unless maybe if you were cheating as well.

Personally I wouldn't want to play this game. To me, her doing this behind your back is not acceptable. I believe communication is the key to a good relationship. If she asked you first if it was OK to have a relationship with your boss and you agreed, then well you agreed. She is either afraid to be honest with you or doesn't respect you enough to be honest.

[KeithHandy]

If and when you ever feel that overwhelming sense of despair that would cause your ego to start playing the "suicide" card ... this is what works for me.

You need to rest and heal from the hit you just took. For some period of time, you may not in the mood to jump into "thinking positive" and "looking ahead". You may feel weak, drained, helpless, and like you have no options. Instead of trying to force positivity on yourself, give yourself ample time and space where you don't need to put on a mask for anyone, where you can just sit there or lie there and exist.

And when you carve out this space for yourself, observe yourself. Let go of all effort and just observe. How does this emotional pain feel in my toes? How does it feel in my ankles? In my head? In my stomach? Scan up and down yourself and just observe it from a detached and clinical place. And as you observe it, make peace with it. My head feels like this, period. My legs feel like this, period. They just plain feel that way, and they will for a while, and I'm going to stop fighting that.

Think of this as a "suicide substitute". You get the satisfaction of giving up, without losing the opportunity to live again later on. You're not throwing out the baby (your future) with the bathwater (your present).

Do not actively feed your negative thoughts! Do not cling, do not scheme, do not "what-if", do not "should have", "could have", or "would have". The point is to be a passive observer of yourself. You feel like crap, and your whole body feels like crap, and there you are. Don't expect anything at all, just let go, let it be, and observe.

It may seem strange that I'm not saying "think positive!" ... but we sometimes habitually invest so much energy into actively maintaining our negative thoughts, that by simply "dropping into neutral" for a while, we can regain the strength to get back on our feet in a shorter period of time. Give your whole mental process a rest. For now, sit there, make clinical observations of your own pain, and before you know it you will actually become bored with this and start naturally wanting to do something you like. This natural drift back towards positivity won't happen in a straight line, it will be short moments of inner peace at first, which will eventually grow longer and more stable as the negative feelings fade ... as long as you don't feed them ... the first tinges of hope may appear in as little as a few hours, while the complete transition could take days, weeks, or longer, depending on how you define "complete".

(Be careful to redefine "hope" in a broader context than simply wanting the unfortunate situation to reverse itself!)

In the case of heartbreak, you will find yourself remembering things that you had to leave behind when you entered the relationship. Maybe a hobby or passion of yours that was incompatible with your partner's values. It's as you emerge from this state of rest that you can start to visualize a better partner, or even a better life for the time being without that same kind of relationship at all. Usually a heartbroken guy has given the girl some part of himself she didn't deserve, and this is his chance to take it back. Welcome back the self that you gave away!

I wrote way more than I planned to, and I welcome other people's thoughts!

[real_username]

Never mind. She caught me looking at her text messages this morning at work. We'll see what happens. I'm at my office right now.... not knowing what to do...
Wasn't supposed to go like that, was it?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by real_username

Never mind. She caught me looking at her text messages this morning at work. We'll see what happens. I'm at my office right now.... not knowing what to do...
Wasn't supposed to go like that, was it?

No, it wasn't.

You know, it's not cheating if you know about it and are okay with it, and she knows you know about it.

Most relationships fall apart because of lack of communication; I'm surprised people haven't mentioned that more often. You're very clearly not talking to her. It's on your mind; it concerns her; talk to her.

Hell, stop being reactive, man. If you love her, tell her. And tell her first, so that she has that in her mind when you ask her what's going on.

[magickmystik]

lol
it's supposed to go like that
happens everytime
and it's going to be fun

[Wulfen]

Wow, everything I would have said, has already being said by TheColonel. You rock man!

Real_username, dude, how low do you see yourself, that you consider "the girl of your life" someone that betrays your trusts and deceives you?

If you accept this, it's the equivalent of admitting that you're a spineless wimp and a doormat, and she will dump you because of this weakness.

You should dump her immediately, no excuses, no talking. Just don't speak to her ever again and go find 10 other women you like the same or more.

But I doubt you'll heed this advice. More probably you'll try to talk with her and fix things up, and thus you're heading for a world of heartache.

There are two kind of dudes in this world: the manly men and the wimpy men. The wimpy men take their girlfriends to dinner and buy them presents. The manly men give raging orgasms to the girlfriends of the wimpy men. Your choice.

[smallstar]

Aw, please cut the macho PUA BS, I think it is a poor advice to offer at this point, perhaps later when the situation has settled down. Just because one girl has been unfaithful, it does not mean that every girl is, and will be. The true manly man chooses his girl carefully, sticks to her, and gives her those raging orgasms so that she won't need to get them from elsewhere.

If she is truly sorry, if she truly understands how you feel, and if she is truly willing (from her own heart, not just to avoid retribution or to keep you) to change her ways, and if you are 100% sure of that, I see no reason why you should not take her back. However, if she treats you with disrespect, then let her go, but don't lose faith and pick your girl more carefully the next time.

-SS (Mood 2)

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Wulfen

There are two kind of dudes in this world: the manly men and the wimpy men. The wimpy men take their girlfriends to dinner and buy them presents. The manly men give raging orgasms to the girlfriends of the wimpy men. Your choice.

You missed a third type of dude: the ones who give raging orgasms to your boyfriend.

*whistles*

[reuben]

Originally Posted by real_username

....- and I'm sure she loves me, and cares for me.

yup she sure loves you.....

WAKE UP!

Shes cheating on you, if she would love you she wouldnt be playing around with your boss.

Dump her. Shes not worth it. Or find your self another girl, and you will see her reaction.

[Wulfen]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

You missed a third type of dude: the ones who give raging orgasms to your boyfriend.

*whistles*

At first I thought this was an ad hominem (and I'm not sure yet if it isn't, so please clarify). If you think my advice is wrong there are better ways than personal attacks to disprove it.

But then, I saw that in your livejournal you've written about this, and instead of attacking me, you've said interesting, and mostly true things:

From Timbre of Tempests

Wulfen said this in response to someone else: There are two kind of dudes [...]

My immediate response was to highlight the existence of homosexuality. I don't even have to defend its naturalness or anything. It exists: this is undeniable. I can probably find you a gay porn video in 5 seconds if you want proof. Doesn't even need to be a lesbian one (which would be much more common, since there's a larger audience for it).

[...]


Thus, the underlying PUA technique is that of Inner Game. Essentially a matter of confidence (though you shouldn't call it that; you aren't confident in yourself: you are yourself. Zen, anyone? Hell, public speaking, anyone? Same principles), it's merely a matter of being specific about that confidence: that you are an alpha male.

[...]

In other words, the truth is that the vast majority of PUA techniques are actually highly gender-neutral, if you know how to look for it. The rest is a matter of sensuality and triggering the appropriate physical reactions: they exist in males just as much as females.

I'm going offtopic, but you say here things that are really true: talking about psychological stuff with gay buddies, they've admitted me that in most gay guys relationships there's a dominant one, and a "target" as you say. In fact a buddy of mine that was not very successful on his gay pickups became much more successful once he got more confident and more bold in his approaches.

You seem to have a good grasp on pyschology and relationships, yet here you give the OP a (IMO) very very misguided advice on how to handle his crisis, and make what seem snide personal attacks on persons that give advice that opposes yours.

Can you clarify us your thoughs a bit?