She's cheating on me - please, I need an advice!

[magickmystik]

THE ROMANTIC LOVE TEST
How Do We Know If We Are In Love ?
By James Park
LOVE (Psychology)---THE ROMANTIC LOVE TEST---26 QUESTIONS---by JAMES PARK

The following questions should help us determine whether our feelings correspond with the conventional experience of romantic love.
Answer each question "yes" or "no"—agree or disagree.
Keep a count of your "yes" answers.
The scoring is explained at the end of the test.

A. Romantic love arises from pre-existing yearnings.

3. Did I enter the 'love-market' with strong expectations of what love was supposed to feel like?

B. Romantic love begins suddenly, creating instant intimacy.

6. Did I 'fall in love' with _____ when I first met him/her?

C. Romantic love is blind.

13. Was I temporarily blinded by an intense flash of love so I could no longer see who the other person was?

D. Romantic love is often one-sided; it loves from afar.

16. Do I have obsessive day-dreams about a distant love-object? Do I imagine how it would be for some distant person to notice me—and 'fall in love' with me? Have I worked out a whole story of how I might meet
my love-object and begin a long life together?

E. Romantic love watches for small signs of reciprocation.

23. Do I interpret any response as a sign that he/she really notices and cares about me? Do I sometimes keep a 'love' going for a long time, sustained by mere crumbs of hope?

F. Romantic love is often uncertain and fearful of rejection;
it is exclusive, possessive, and jealous.

28. Do I often ask "Do you love me?" —perhaps phrasing it some other way?
When my beloved tells me that he/she loves me, do I wonder what that means? Do I want something more than mere words to convince me that my beloved really loves me?

G. Romantic love is a fantasy-trip,
a prefabricated emotion projected onto others.

43. When I think of us together, does it sometimes seem like a fairy tale?
Am I clinging to an illusion, something that was never really there?

H. Romance creates an illusion of oneness.

51. Can I see directly into _____'s soul? Is communication no longer necessary because we have become one person?

I. Romantic love depends on imagination.

55. Did I have elaborate love-feelings before I found a target for them?

J. Romance is being in love with love
—attempting to actualize a feeling learned from others.

65. Am I enjoying primarily my own internal feelings of love?

K. Romantic love sometimes depends on manipulation.

67. Do I sometimes wonder what I should do to make my beloved 'fall in love' with me? Do I strategize various things I could do or say to bring about the response I want from my beloved?

L. Romantic love is like watching a movie.

72. Do I feel I am re-enacting a movie I once saw? Am I sometimes trying to re-create a story I saw on TV or read in a novel?

M. Romantic love is an ecstatic feeling.

95. Is being in love the happiest experience of my life? Does it feel so good to be in love that I want to return to love (or remain in love) for the rest of my life?

N. Romantic love is an altered state of consciousness.

98. Does the intensity of my emotion sometimes surprise me?

O. Romantic love sees the beloved as perfect.

106. Do I overlook his/her faults or interpret them as charming?
Do I sometimes transform the negative dimensions of my beloved into positive attributes?

P. Romantic love causes violent mood-swings.

110. Do my feelings for _____ seem like a roller-coaster ride —momentary weightlessness at the peak of feeling, followed by crushing pressure at the bottom of the slide?

Q. Romantic love causes preoccupation and distraction.

116. Do I want to be with _____ every moment—day and night?
Would I like to spend the rest of my life linked with _____ like Siamese twins?

R. Romantic love causes intrusive thinking.

121. Do these compulsive thoughts keep coming back even tho I try to dismiss them and get on with my life? Does my mind seems to have "a mind of its own" —so that love-fantasies take over—like the wrong radio station
breaking into the program I was enjoying? When I am involved doing other things, do thoughts of my beloved come crowding into my mind?

S. Romantic love causes compulsive, neurotic, dependent thoughts and feelings.

129. Have I spend hours going over a simple encounter, attempting to make it mean something that it does not obviously mean? For example, do I sift and re-sift the fragments of a conversation for evidence of what my obsessive mind wants to find —either proofs of love or proofs of infidelity?

T. Romantic love is an overwhelming experience.

142. Am I swept along by a surging power I could never control?
Is love like riding the crest of an ocean wave?

U. Romantic love is the most important thing in life.

147. Has my passion become so strong that all previous concerns have fallen by the wayside? When I am in love nothing else matters.

V. Romantic love includes suffering.

150. Does my emotional attachment to _____ cause me to overlook conflicts, unhappiness, and even abuse?

W. Near its end, romantic love clings to any shred of hope.

163. When I feel love slipping away, does my heart ache?
When I believe that he/she has 'fallen for' someone else, do I feel sick?
Do I get other psycho-somatic reactions whenever I get some sign that our love may be over?

X. Romantic Love is temporary—lasting 18 months to 3 years.

168. When I have 'fallen out of love', does it seem that scales have fallen from my eyes, so that I can see the one I used to love as he/she really is?

Y. When romantic love is over, it sometimes becomes hatred.

172. After love is gone, is my emotional orientation reversed: Do I then exaggerate every fault I can think of? Does it seem that nothing about a former lover is good? Am I somewhat disgusted by the one I once 'loved'?

Z. Romantic love resists analysis.

179. Do I fear thinking too deeply about love because questioning any part of the myth may cause the whole house of cards to collapse?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scoring:

More than 20 yes-------You are in romantic love.

13-20-------------------------You are only half love-sick.

7-12---------------------------You are recovering from being 'in love'
or you were immune to this disease.

less than 7----------------You are emerging from the illusion
(or you were never deluded by romance).
And you might be ready
for loving beyond romantic illusions.

----

ZZ. Romantic love makes one saying "I want to die" and indeed some people die because of it.

[Richful]

RU,
If you're still out there, I sincerely hope you are, keep going buddy!
I know it hurts like hell and nothing anyone says will make it better. Grieve as much as you need to, get sad, get angry, burn emotion like it's going out of fashion... indulge yourself for a while. Don't bottle it up!

Then when you've expressed like never before and you're feeling a bit empty do something you like or something you don't like, anything, but get active.
I recommend exercise of some sort and listening to your favourite uplifting music.

I recommend severing as much contact as possible, hard when you work together I know. Focus on yourself for a while, start a hobby or do something you've never done before.

Point is KEEP MOVING... It hurts but it won't forever. Good luck pal, I hope you find your way through. I've gotten over a broken heart, many people have, you will too. You're not alone!

[C33]

You are way too young to die!

You are needed on this planet.
Tomorrow might be the day you make a difference in someone's life.

Many people have been where you are! You are not alone! I know that in that kind of situation you feel alone in the world and so intensely attached to the object of your love that you just want to die, if you are not with them.

Take good care of yourself. Honor yourself. There is someone out there who will return your love and cherish it.

I wish you a lot of courage, I was there a few months back and boy, did it hurt. But you eventually come through a stronger person, less dependent on the feeling of love, more able to make healthy choices in a relationship in the future.

I

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by real_username

The thing is done. We're broke! I'm dead inside. I want to die!

Cannot write more. Will try in a couple of days - if I'm still alive.

Thanks again!

Wow - at least you know that it's over so maybe there's a chance for peace. Be kind to yourself. You ARE still alive. If you are a musician you will really know how to play the blues now. And if you aren't a musician - that's just to say heartache seeks expression. You will learn a lot about yourself now. You actually are free now to do whatever you want. You can choose to find yourself and develope your interests.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by magickmystik

THE ROMANTIC LOVE TEST
How Do We Know If We Are In Love ?
By James Park
LOVE (Psychology)---THE ROMANTIC LOVE TEST---26 QUESTIONS---by JAMES PARK

The following questions should help us determine whether our feelings correspond with the conventional experience of romantic love.
Answer each question "yes" or "no"—agree or disagree.
Keep a count of your "yes" answers.
The scoring is explained at the end of the test.

Interesting test, but what's up with the funky numbering on the questions? I found that horribly distracting.

[magickmystik]

Originally Posted by KeithHandy

Interesting test, but what's up with the funky numbering on the questions? I found that horribly distracting.

James Park wrote
"In case you wonder about the strange numbering of the test,
this is because the full test is 180 questions long.
This Internet version selected only one question from each section. "

and you can buy the full printed version from his website

[real_username]

Hi, again. I'm still alive. Thanks for all supporting replies!
The last couple of days has been a nightmare for me. I didn't know I had so many tears (have never really cried).... and still cannot sleep. I see her at work... and it keeps getting worse, every time I see her.
I can't quit my job right now, cuz I need the money, and other job offers will be available probably after a month or two (it's always the same... after XMas holidays job offers are really not a great amount). And in this time I'll have to see her, and eventually The Boss.
I've been trying to surround myself with friends every single day. I'm afraid that if I'm left alone for more than an hour, some suicidal ideas come to my mind. Really cannot imagine myself living without her. Everything else like loving another, having my life start all over again - this seems like a compromise with myself and my beliefs. Because I felt her like the one for me. She really was. I can start.... but it won't be me. Or it will be me - but with something broken inside. My heart....
Thanks, guys and girls!

[Shaden]

Hey realusername good to see your still hanging in there. I think we can all breath a collective sigh of relief!

It sounds like you've got it rough - but regardless of how you feel at the moment you have to listen to us. You are going to be perfectly fine - trust us. All your friends, as well as us and everyone who hears your story will agree on this. At the moment you're very emotionally involved - it's an incredibly common situation. What I ask you to do is to just focus on a date in the near future - maybe next month, sometime in February. I promise you that you will feel better by that time - much better. We've all been here before so we can attest for this and offer our sympathy. You have to trust us when we say that things will get better and we speak not from our knowledge of science or psychology or relationships but from something far more reliable - experience.

I wish you the best of luck!

[Dating Specialist]

Well, when one door closes, another opens.

It's a good sign that you're able to cry as crying is known to have the best therapeutic healing effect. It soothes your soul. Well at least it makes your eyes tired enough to want to rest!

If your beliefs are limiting you to move on, what is stopping you from changing them to empower yourself?

How about switching your focus to making yourself feel better now? Using whatever methods that work, just keep on focusing on making yourself feel better. After a while, things should be much better.

Time heals all wounds. Take care

[Matthew Shea]

There's one thing here that's clear to me whether you choose to accept it or not: you already don't trust her. The fact that you're snooping through her text messages is clear and convincing evidence of that. If she's already broken that trust after only a year in the relationship, she'll most likely do it again. I'd also caution you that you'll find it nearly impossible to truly trust her again. The thought of her cheating will always be in the back of your mind and you'll never be able to get over it.

It's time to move on. No one is worth the value you're giving her. If she really was "the one" she wouldn't cheat on you.

Also, that thing about respecting the guy that took back his cheating wife. That's something that only sounds good when it happens to someone else. As others have pointed out, if you do this, she'll lose respect for you and then the relationship will REALLY be over.

I'd also caution you that, now that she knows you know, one of two things will happen. Either she'll wait for you to take action, allowing you to confront her and maintain your dignity or she'll gather herself together and dump you when she's gathered the strength. Now that she's aware you know, the clock is ticking. Every second you remain silent loses you more and more respect in her eyes.

BTW, when it comes to these things, it NEVER works out the way you plan.

[bollenbach]

wow this thread is flooded with amazing advice..

I can honestly say I was sort of in the same position.. but in a different sense.

I've been with my GF for the past 2 months.. and we met in school.. now we're actually going to be in the same class for the next four months. I hear it's not a good thing to be in the same class errr.. work with your spouse, but whatever I'm just playing the cards I'm dealt.

I too use to get some what jealous and think of her as like "my only one" but in a very shallow context. It wasn't so much that I believed that she was my "one true love" but I do like her a lot. Actually.. we haven't even told eachother that we love eachother yet. I think it's too soon. Love is a very powerful word... and I think if you fart it out too much it really doesn't mean anything.

Anyway... the direction that I was trying to take on this was. A little while ago I use to get jealous about her talking to other guys... and I'm serious.. I've gotten over it. It has made the relationship a lot better. You never want someone nagging you about what you're doing in your own time... what kind of relationship would that be?

I talk to a lot of other girls... and I keep it up... It doesn't make sense to cut off your true life just because you have a boyfriend or girlfriend..

I'm only 19 years old so... I don't know if that really helps or not.. Is it good that I think this way at my age? I hope so...

I think dependency is bullshit!!!

Live life and have fun... If me and my girlfriend broke up because of someone else.. I'd just accept it and move on.. I wouldn't even want to make it at all awkward for her and the other guy.

Straight up:

If you love someone.. free them.. and they'll come back to you
(something I heard a lot time ago.. and it's further back in the post)'
I think that's a golden rule to live a relationship by.

Secondly

Don't be a bitch, live your life to the fullest... don't let people weigh you down. I like my girlfriend a lot.. but.. If I ever had true evidence that she wasn't faithful.. I'd cut her off like a piece of turkey.

Last but not least:

Make sure you have fun... truly try to free yourself of these thoughts...
People don't hurt you by your thoughts and worries.. you do that to yourself.

[dgorila1]

I have to agree with Cron, TheColonel, and the others on this. You are both young and not ready to settle down, even though you think she's "the one". I've been in your shoes several times. The first time I was your age. I got over it pretty quickly due to distance since she lived 12hrs away and I had allot to think about on the drive back home after she dumped me. That was probably the best therapy that I could have had. My head was clear by the time I got home and I was ready to move on.
The second time was much worse though. I was older (late 20's) and lived with this beauty for 3 years. It started off hot and heavy (I learned that generally, if they "put out" on the first date, the relationship won't last). She was very manipulative and knew how to play men like a song, me included. I was quickly enamored, even after finding out she was married w/ 2 kids. Fast forward, she moved in with me, I became close to the kids since the real father wasn't around (this was one of her tactics...use the kids to emotionally tie the men to the relationship while also having a babysitter so she could go out and do her thing). Ended up she cheated on me at least 2 times that I can confirm, and several more I am certain but didn't have hard evidence( at least one worked side by side with me). Even through all this I was still drawn to her and "in love". We broke up/moved out and then she moved back in a few months later and it continued (I should have let it go the first time she left but as I said I was "in love"). Needless to say, I spent many a sleepless night alone while she was out working her next conquest and pulling my strings too. It took awhile since she knew the system and knew I couldn't just evict her, but I finally got her to move out and walked away from it (3 years later).
I will say that she did truely break my heart and changed the way I look at all relationships. I met my future wife soon after this and we have been together for almost 10 years now. I couldn't ask for a more loyal, loving woman. Sure she has her moods, quirks, etc as do I, but we truely respect each other and she is my soul mate. I will say that even though its been almost 10 years since the "black widow" relationship, I still think about her occassionally and feel something inside. I think its mostly me beating myself up (even after all this time) for letting her do what she did to me, but also I still haven't accepted the way she (mis)treated me. I would never treat someone I loved like that, and I guess I just can't see her side of it and why she could do such a thing to me. Its truely her nature, and now my thought is "she will get hers in the end when her time comes.....what comes around goes around".
Sorry for the novel :-) I just started releasing all the energy when I was thinking of the past and venting.
Basically dude, she is young, doesn't respect you no matter what you think, and will cheat on you again and again if you stay with her. You are her stable "fall back" guy she has when she's not on one of her passion quests with the boss or someone else. You need to break it off clean and quick like they all said and move on.....change jobs if you need to to get away from her! You have no ties and can make a cleam break. You will feel heartache for a bit, but think it through logically and sanely and you will get over her. There are millions of other women in the world.....find one that truely respects you and loves you, take it slow and get to know her, and if everything clicks take it to the next level. And for heavens sake don't think of taking your life because of her! Come on man, she just a girl! Theres a whole world out there full of exciting and fun people, places, and things for you to experience. You're young........take the world by the horns and enjoy the ride.

[Eli]

Real:
My man, you have already lost her you just can't see it. Maybe you don't want to see it. The lady is a tramp and she loves it. She loves the attention and all else she gets from her boss. wake-up dude, the coffee is burning. There is life after little miss notty. Keep her on the side like she has you and move on to someone else. You smell his colonge on her because they are hugging. Can't you hear the alarm clock? Good luck.......Peace........Eli

[JKuehl]

Hey man, i know what you have been going through.

I broke up with my "girlfriend" a day before new years eve. It was a long-distance-relationship, and after my arrival on the 30th i found out on the 31th, that the /)!"*D with her neighbor the two days before and even had the guts to visit him 2 times that day and i don´t want even THINK about what they did over there while i was sitting in her appartement 5 meters away......

It´s two weeks since then and what helped me alot was the following things:

1) Talk about it with your best friends
2) Go out! Have fun! Give your best friend 100$, only to be given back to you if you go out with them - whatever you feel like that evening!
3) Journaling - write it all down on paper
4) DON`T listen to songs that make you feel depressed! DON´T!
5) Make 2 "cuts" in your timeline: one before you met her, one after the breakup. Ignore everything that happened in betweeen. Just take a look: what was your life before, what is is now like. I KNOW ( as it was in my situation), that your life IMPROVED in that timeframe. Keep that in mind. Your life improved. Even with everything what happened.
6) Be grateful for everything you have and your life.

[real_username]

Ok.. this has seen some time now. I need to share what has happened since...

I have been out with friends every single moment I could share. Have tried to have fun, go out.... meet other girls (with success, but I cannot make myself want them :-(), etc.
Still I feel this pressure in my stomach. Like every other day. Cannot forget. Seeing her everyday at work is something I cannot run away from. And this makes it really bad. I see her, say hello, etc, but I feel sad, cuz she ain't with me anymore (guess she feels the same way, from what I hear and see). When she's not around I miss her so bad.
Again - I cannot sleep (barely sleep 2-3 hours per couple of nights), work suffers great from that, even though I made myself to work harder - it's not good enough... cuz I make advertisements for TV, and this is something I need creativity for. Now it seems lost. Like everything I gained in order of creativity, since I started out with her, is lost... I'm back with almost a year ago.
Dunno what else to share.... my sexuality is a disaster - don't/can't feel attracted to any other girl, cannot masturbate (yes.... ), and sexual pressure is so high too.
Looks like I'm going mad.... Tried so many things. With no/almost no result!

Yours,
RU

[Cron]

Originally Posted by real_username

I have been out with friends every single moment I could share. Have tried to have fun, go out.... meet other girls

These are good things to do that will help you. Keep doing them.

You may also want to consider:

1. Seeing a professional counselor ( I recommend someone with a background in cognitive therapy if you can find one )

2. Changing jobs.

Good Luck

[dor]

Originally Posted by real_username

Ok.. this has seen some time now. I need to share what has happened since...

I have been out with friends every single moment I could share. Have tried to have fun, go out.... meet other girls (with success, but I cannot make myself want them :-(), When she's not around I miss her so bad.
Again - I cannot sleep (barely sleep 2-3 hours per couple of nights), work suffers great from that, even though I made myself to work harder - it's not good enough... cuz I make advertisements for TV, and this is something I need creativity for. Now it seems lost.
Dunno what else to share.... my sexuality is a disaster - don't/can't feel attracted to any other girl, cannot masturbate (yes.... ), and sexual pressure is so high too.
Looks like I'm going mad.... Tried so many things. With no/almost no result!

Yours,
RU

I had such a bad break up and this may sound stupid and shallow but i helps it also helped a friend of mine whose finance dumped him:
keep in motion. Work out, take long walks, ...
don't worry about not being able to feel sexual or attracted to other women - just realize you're not in a place to do that now - just keep in motion . you can't be depressed and in motion at the same time.
I would walk home -even though it took two hours....
I would come home and just do push ups until i couldn't do them anymore and fall asleep - i barely ate.... but eventually i worked through it.

I had that same pain I know there's nothing like it in the world - and the strange thing is that all of my senses were so vivid, yet i was detached from life at the same time.

also - a good pain breaker is travel - can you afford a vacation now? Go to someplace shockingly different -India or something -

These things worked for me. that's all i know.

[Alvin]

real user name, when I lost the girl I'd felt the most love and attraction to in my entire life, it was shattering.

But it took me a while to realize that while yes, it was painful, I was using her leaving as an excuse to wallow in self-pity and wreck my life.

real user name, I'm gonna give you some tough love: you're using her leaving you as an excuse to wallow in self-pity and wreck you life.

Now for the good news: you going out and doing positive things for yourself with friends and meeting other girls is a good sign that you want to make things better. You're not entirely without hope and you still have that spark of positivity driving you.

Now you need to take that spark and fan it into a flame.

Hey, I know how you feel. Trust me, I've been there. But the difference between me now and me then is now I know, and feel, that I and only I have the real power and responsibility for who I am, how I respond and what I'll do, and nobody else can and should take that power away from me.

You have to grow into your own power and realize that who you are comes from inside, even what you're feeling now, take ownership of it and realize that the road to something better is something you have to make yourself walk step by step, no matter how tough it may be.

My heart is with you.

[Stevie B]

Originally Posted by real_username

Ok.. this has seen some time now. I need to share what has happened since...

I have been out with friends every single moment I could share. Have tried to have fun, go out.... meet other girls (with success, but I cannot make myself want them :-(), etc.

Is this because you think of her?

Originally Posted by real_username

Still I feel this pressure in my stomach. Like every other day. Cannot forget. Seeing her everyday at work is something I cannot run away from. And this makes it really bad. I see her, say hello, etc, but I feel sad, cuz she ain't with me anymore (guess she feels the same way, from what I hear and see). When she's not around I miss her so bad.

Are you constantly thinking about her at work too?

Originally Posted by real_username

Again - I cannot sleep (barely sleep 2-3 hours per couple of nights), work suffers great from that, even though I made myself to work harder - it's not good enough...

I found I can't sleep because my thoughts are running around. Are yours?

Originally Posted by real_username

Dunno what else to share.... my sexuality is a disaster - don't/can't feel attracted to any other girl, cannot masturbate (yes.... ), and sexual pressure is so high too.
Looks like I'm going mad....

Again, I'd like to ask if you think about her when you masturbate, or see another girl?

What I have found in my life is that the more I think about something that I don't want to think about, the more my life goes crazy. My friendships, work, sex life... I mean everything is affected because I can't stop thinking about the problem.

Now I am unclear if this has been brought up before, but you really need to talk to someone about this. You need to deal with this issue. Find out why you are reacting so negatively when you see her. Remember that it was her choice to walk away and you can't control that. Other people act because they want to and it is not a reflection of you. It's ALWAYS a reflection of them. They make their choice for themseleves just like you do.

I'd like to add that you need to stop thinking about her. Get another job, find something fun to do to get your mind off it, meditate. Just do something to stop thinking about her.

Thoughts cause your feelings.

If you feel bad, change the way you think.

Also, the key to solve your problem is to think about the solution and not the problem. Asking yourself why this happened is focusing on the problem. Instead ask How questions. Ask yourself how can I stop thinking about this situation and get on with my life.

When you solve your problem, you will be free from it. So focus on the solution, not the problem.

Steve

[marktb]

Youre considering taking her back? why?

Learn from this and learn HOW YOU CREATED THIS SITUATION. Sure, she's the one who cheated but you played a part in this too. Take responsibility for it and move on. Youre operating from a "need" to be her when it should be a privilege to be with you and its her loss. I sense some insecurity here man. 'YOU ARE ENOUGH". You dont need anyone to make you complete nor happy.

I've never been cheated on so I won't lie to you and say I know what youre feeling. If I can help you, IM me. YOu need to take some time and work on yourself and really think how you caused this situation.

Mark

[Lychee]

dor-

I had such a bad break up and this may sound stupid and shallow but i helps it also helped a friend of mine whose finance dumped him:
keep in motion. Work out, take long walks, ...
don't worry about not being able to feel sexual or attracted to other women - just realize you're not in a place to do that now - just keep in motion . you can't be depressed and in motion at the same time.

I don't think that's shallow advice at all. Keeping yourself physically occupied is one of the most easiest ways to get your mind off of what is bothering you. Sitting around, being alone with your thoughts when you're already so vulnerable and irrational is not productive at all.

real_username,

You probably won't be attracted to girls at this point now, but you will become your normal self after a while. Aren't you glad you figured this out now before you bought her a ring or got married to her? Be thankful this happened now. Please be easy on yourself and realize that when you look back on this later, you will appreciate this experience.

[real_username]

Hi again,

I have an appointment with a professional next week. Don't know what to expect from that. I can only hope that my situation gets better. I still see this girl every single day (it's because of my work, and I currently cannot find anything else around) and think about her lots of time. I have days where I get my pride to work, and act really... mature, probably. But I think it's just the outside of me. The inside is still bleeding bad, and it's showing every couple of days - I start talking to her about my boss, about how he's taking her out, what's he doing to her. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm killing my self-respect this way.... but it goes out from me... I'm killing her love for me (because it's sure she loves me alot, yet), and I hurt her... constantly. That's not a way a mature person should act....

It's getting really crazy. I've been delaying my visit to the counsel, but seems like I can't drop myself alone from this situation.
Any other advice will be greatly appreciated. I think this board helped me to survive from my suicidal thinking, the crying moods, etc.
You've been really great to me, guys and girls. I keep reading this thread a couple of times every single day. To keep myself motivated to continue. Don't know if I succeed (probably a small step at a time)... we'll see

Yours,
RU (or... Alex)

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by real_username

I'm killing her love for me (because it's sure she loves me alot, yet), and I hurt her... constantly.
(or... Alex)

Alex, how do you know she loves you a lot? Because very obviously all of us here don't feel or see that way, except you, and I'm really curious where you get such strong feelings from?

[real_username]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Alex, how do you know she loves you a lot? Because very obviously all of us here don't feel or see that way, except you, and I'm really curious where you get such strong feelings from?

Her actions, and everything in herself shows so. Her friends have told me. She tells me sometimes (we hear on the phone sometimes in the evenings) that she misses me. Things like that. She's always been pretty honest with me (except with the boss thing, which I hope is, as she says "Not the way you imagine it, because there is nothing between me and him"), and I think I can trust her that she cares for me, and loves me. It's just this whole education and career thing, without a serious/tying relationship....
You know when I realised that it may be the reason - I saw on TV, some documentary about ppl moving their lives and starting over. And there was a girl, thinking just the way mine does. She broke with her bf, because she was too young, and haven't even been in university. And a relationship felt really heavy, when one wants to built his life the way she wanted... Something like that. So I realised there are other ppl/girls like mine.

Does this sound confused?

[MarvinMini]

real_username,
get yourself out of the illusion you are living in and instantly leave that woman!
That is the ONLY reasonable solution to the problem, honestly.

[Lychee]

Just because someone misses you doesn't mean they love you. People miss what they are familiar to. Don't you think that the fact that there are 3 pages of people convinced she does not love you suggest that indeed our impressions may be correct?

[real_username]

Originally Posted by Lychee

Don't you think that the fact that there are 3 pages of people convinced she does not love you suggest that indeed our impressions may be correct?

I agree. You are correct. That's why I come back here. And that's why I did almost everything I was adviced here (break, go out with friends, etc).
But I still cannot find my inner peace. Although I'm trying to. That's for sure!

Yours,
Alex

[jamasiel]

Also focus on the idea: if you're in a mindstate where you're checking her messages and feel like you can't trust her - you were right to break up with her for both of your sakes.

I understand, I was in the exact same type of situation, including me checking her email and voicemail. My ex may have been cheating on me, but if I was that far gone...that was my real problem. You've taken a concrete step - good for you! Keep focusing on this progress...and it is progress...and figure out what will make you the best person for ~you~. This is how I moved on from past heartbreaks, and ended up with a more beautiful, loving, intelligent woman than I had ever dreamed would be with me.

[real_username]

I'm getting into deeper and deeper depression.
I wanted and tried to stay friends with her..BUT
Have talked alot of bs to her (stupid jokes about her and HIM), even checked her messages once more - of course as a man of truth I admitted this. And now she refuses to talk to me and even see me. This brings me even deeper :-(

Why do some women not appreciate the truth....if I haven't admitted this, she would still call from time to time, just to tell me she loves me (as she does quite often since we broke), she would come to hug me from time to time (several times per day). But I wouldn't be OK with me - I hate lies. She didn't like that, probably. And lied to myself....

Yours,
Alex

[Alvin]

Alex,

If you were my friend right here in Singapore, I'd give you 2 tight slaps in the face.

Then I'd hug you.

As much as I feel for you; you've been misled, and that's why you've been going round and round in circles.

Like the metaphor goes, when you squeeze an orange, what comes out of it is what's already inside.

When life squeezes us in good and bad ways, what comes out is already what's inside.

Let's leave this girl aside for now. Yes, leave her aside. Forget her for the next 5 minutes it'll take for you to really think about this.

What else is going on in your life, my man? How's your social life? Your finances? How're you with your family? Work? Your hobbies? What do you do most of the time? How are you growing?

Check in with your answers, and I'll check in on you.