Okay to date husband while separated?

[kle28]

I wondering what most people's opinions are on this topic. I am new here. Back in July my husband of 4 years told me he wanted a divorce. Our marriage had always had problems as we are completely opposite in all respects. Prior to him announcing that he wanted to separate and divorce, we had been sleeping in separate bedrooms, we rarely had sex, I was depressed and gaining weight, he was verbally abusive, etc. At first I was completely a mess. After a few weeks (he was still living here), I kind of had a revelation if you will.

I realized that during our whole relationship there were parts of me that never forgave him for lots of things (things he said or did that caused me immense hurt and pain) In the past I thought I didn't know how to forgive him, or couldn't. Suddenly, during a church service I went to while visiting my parents, I realized that forgiving him was a choice that I could make, regardless of whether or not he deserved it. I realized also that if I could forgive him and start seeing him kind of like how God sees him (looking past all the flaws), then I could release all my bitterness and anger that I had been holding on for years. (note- I was raised in a Christian home but hadn't attended church or prayed in many many years at this point)

I basically came to the conclusion that I had no control over what my husband would choose to do, and I could either be pissed off, miserable, and hate him, or I could forgive him and try to treat him with love (kinda like that cliche WWJD) So I set out to do that. I stopped being cold and distant and started being kind to him no matter what he did or said. It changed everything about how he responded to me!! and an even funnier thing happened- we started having sex again and it was as good as it was 10 years ago!

We started getting along better, but he was still looking to move out. I just kept praying for strength. He moved out over Labor Day weekend and now lives about 20 min. away.

At this point, he no longer is saying that he wants a divorce for sure. When I try to press for answers, it's always "maybe" "i don't know" or "we will see". we still get along well and have actually been kind of "dating".

What I really want to know is- Is it stupid of me to continue dating him if we are separated? we are having sex when we do see eachother, but i don't feel like I am just letting him "have his cake and eat it too" (as my good friend likes to say) because I really want to "have my cake" if you know what I mean.

I have no idea what the future holds for us. I don't think he really knows what he wants for sure and is hoping that this separation will help him figure it out. My mom thinks I need to just move on and forget about him, but if I love him, how can I do that? I am not sitting around pining away for him, but I also don't want to never see him and shut him out of my life. He is still my husband and he isn't seeing anyone else. It's so freaking complicated that it makes my brain hurt!!! He says that he still loves me, but I don't think he knows if he wants to be with me for the rest of his live for sure anymore. Part of me thinks "well then to hell with him. i will go find someone who isn't confused and will be sure about their feelings for me!!" but then again, marriage isn't something to throw away lightly...

opinions?? my friend thinks I am stupid for seeing him, just wondering if you all agree?

[Angela]

I don't think you're stupid for seeing him during your separation, but I think you are behaving ineffectively.


I think your husband separated from you so that he could get a taste of the freedoms of being single. The reason he separated from, rather than divorced, you was that he wanted to try on separation without making a commitment to what he suspected would be the drawbacks, one of the most profound of which is the loss of your emotional (and, as it surprisingly turned out, sexual) support.

Now, since you're giving him emotional and sexual support by "dating" him, and he's now free to also supplement that with emotional and sexual support from other women, too, there is no lesson to learn about what it's like to live without you, because YOU are depriving him of it. You are training him (much like you did when you were married, I suspect) that his needs and wants, indeed his well-being -- are all wayyyy more important than yours. That's not his problem. It's yours.

You're not doing yourself any favors by getting your sexual needs met by this guy; you're just feeding your oxytocin addiction and bonding yourself to him. Cut it out! You would be much more effective if you were to go out and date OTHER men for fun, whether you have sex with them or not. Start cultivating your own well-being, your own feel-good chemicals, and your own autonomy in being in love with your life. That way, if you reunite, great -- you'll be more equal partners than you ever were during the first phase of your marriage. And if you don't reunite, that's great, too! Because your well-being, your happiness, your life is not conditional to your the behavior of your half-husband.

Best wishes!

[kle28]

You say some things that may certainly bear a lot of truth. Perhaps he is not jumping as quickly to divorce because of the drawbacks he anticipates. However, more than anything I don't want to feel like I am playing games. Sure I could try to behave more effectively in hopes of getting the outcome I desire, but I would be pretending then. I don't want to date other people- I want to be with my husband. I only wonder if I am blind to the fact that he may be giving me signs that I am not seeing that he doesn't want to be with me, even though he is fine with "dating me".

It seems to be a common opinion that "wearing your heart on your sleeve" is more perceived as a weakness, and that following your feelings and your heart rather than your rational thinking is very unwise. Unfortunately, I am the type that easily wears my heart on my sleeve- most likely to my own detriment.

Thanks for your response- I appreciate getting as many perspectives as I can.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by kle28

I only wonder if I am blind to the fact that he may be giving me signs that I am not seeing that he doesn't want to be with me...

Yes, you are. Half-blind, anyway -- you can see it, and you won't see it. The game you are playing, despite your commitment to playing no games, is the game of convincing yourself that what you know is true is not true. (and I'm not just talking about the him not wanting to be with you part.)

[danas]

I think you should not sleep with him now, and distance yourself. And if he asks what you want you should be the one saying

Originally Posted by kle28

"maybe" "i don't know" or "we will see".

because this is how you honestly feel, or at least so it seems from what you write.
At the moment you are giving him all the power. Give it back to yourself.
You are betraying yourself at the moment for letting him decide where your life will go.

[Parthon]

This might be way off, but what does you intuition say about being together in the long long term. Deep down, what does the quiet voice inside say about it. Is it really the best you can do, and are you really the best people for each other.

From the doubt in your first post, I would say not. Even if you love someone, and even if you connect on an emotional and spiritual level, you still might not be compatible. Perhaps he just came into your live to teach you about yourself, and more importantly, about forgiveness. If you can forgive him 100%, then you can forgive everyone in your life that deserves it, your family, your friends, everyone. And if you choose to divorce and find a new partner, you can forgive all his future flaws before they become a problem.

I don't think you are stupid for seeing him at all, but I do think it's the wrong question.

[richie111]

That's exactly how I was feeling a few months back, I am the type who wear my heart on sleev and hated the PU tricks of pretending, even today I dont follow them but take them differently.
Forget any manipulative tricks, read this: Soulful Relationships
Steve Quote:

As you release old relationships that no longer serve you, you’ll attract new ones that are compatible with you.

Also read some buddhist stuff, it will help.
Why are you so attached with him,
You love him and you think you cant get any better love elsewhere.
Ever Thought that there could be some person out there who would be more loving and caring and would even respect you.
Shed all the insecurity and go for the unknow journey.

Let people go when they want, enjoy the journey of unpredictable life rather than following a particular destination.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by kle28

You say some things that may certainly bear a lot of truth. Perhaps he is not jumping as quickly to divorce because of the drawbacks he anticipates.... I don't want to date other people- I want to be with my husband. I only wonder if I am blind to the fact that he may be giving me signs that I am not seeing that he doesn't want to be with me, even though he is fine with "dating me".

You don't need to answer me, but I want you to consider think about this:
WHY do you want to be with him? Is it a desire to seek what is well-known and comfortable? Is it a fear of the "divorce" label? Is it a fear you might been a failure if the marriage fails? Are you afaid that it's possible you might find happiness with someone else?

The old cliche is true: there are so many fish in the sea. You did your best to make it work, and he's the one who gave up. Now he wants the benefits of marriage without the commitment. And he's getting everything on his terms.

I will say with confidence that you should not be giving him any sort of sexual gratification until he ends the seperation.

Have you asked him point blank why he wants to "date" you if he say the marriage isn't going to work? I think this question should be answered.

I am also concerned for you. You seem like a sensitive, caring person. You're spending your time and energy sorting through what went wrong. You let go of alot of pain he caused you. But what is he doing to show he's trying to fix things? Has he ever truly apologized for these hurtful things he did or said? If you do everything you can to have him back and he returns, what assurances is he giving you that he won't carelessly hurt you again?

You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who is as concerned about you as you are for him. Just make sure you're trying to keep him for the right reasons.

It seems to be a common opinion that "wearing your heart on your sleeve" is more perceived as a weakness, and that following your feelings and your heart rather than your rational thinking is very unwise.

There has to be a balance in between the extremes; you should express your emotions but not go overboard. You don't need to play games. (Not saying you do this) but for example you also can't throw yourself at him crying and sobbing for him to come home either. Be strong. Keep your dignity.

There is nothing wrong with following your feelings, as long as you acknowledge all of them. You've got to be feeling more than "I miss him" and "I want him back". Explore all the feelings, good and bad. Explore the fears and the uncertainties.

[sepiagal]

You won't have a healthy relationship with anyone if you don't learn to speak up for yourself. This is pretty common for women but men can do this too. Rather than speak up and start an argument or something else like a conflict one partner will bite their tongue. Over time this becomes a pattern which causes the couple to grow apart. The resentful one withholds sex, affection, communication, their time and attention, whatever...which means no intimacy in the end.

Many couples don't know how to fight fairly to deal with conflict in a healthy way. You can learn how to speak up and fight fairly so that any relationship you have has a chance for survival. I'm not saying you are the only one who needs to change but usually women are the relationship coaches in the marriage; so you may have to take the lead in making this change happen.

If you date your ex you need to be clear about boundaries too. This is complicated because your relationship is in an unusual place. But if you spend time thinking about what caused you to feel resentment that may help you be clear about your boundaries while dating him.

I think dating him without any expectations would be the only healthy way to move forward. You sound like you have expectations from your wanting him to give you some idea what he plans to do about your marriage. Your expectations will only set you up for disappointment. You can not hold him responsible for your expections; doing that would be about inappropriate boundaries.

I think having a professional to work with while you date your ex would be an effective strategy, if you can manage that kind of help.

[marklang500]

Think of separation as a part of the evolution of a relationship, in reverse:

Dating
Dating with sex
Engagement with sex
Marriage with sex

Now reverse it:

Marriage with sex
Separation with sex
Dating with sex
Dating without sex
No dating, no sex
Divorce, no sex

Now here's the road you are going down:

Marriage with sex
Separation with sex
Dating with sex
No dating with sex
Divorced with sex

If that sounds good, then keep up what your doing! But keep in mind, if you get to "divorced with sex", both yours and his future relationships with other people will be greatly hindered by the sexual connection that you never broke off. It's a confusing, deceitful, difficult life to live, divorced yet having sex. If you brake the sexual connection BEFORE the divorce, there is a chance to change the direction of the evolution and end up married with sex again.

The way you are going about it, the evolution of the relationship towards divorce is masked by the continuation of sex. Not a good idea.

IMO, you should stop the sex, but keep dating him. Tell him that the next 3 times you see him should be considered a first date.

[kle28]

WOW! There is so much to reply to I don't know where to begin! First let me say THANK YOU for all of the feedback. I really really appreciate it. I have never dealt with something like this- it's by far the hardest thing ever. Some days I am fine and others I feel like I might just die. Knowing the one you love doesn't want to be with you has got to be one of the worst feelings possible.

Anyway, I will respond to a few things people posted-

Originally Posted by Parthon

Deep down, what does the quiet voice inside say about it.

Deep Deep down, the voice has always said- a happy relationship with him is too good to be true. After I graduated college while we were dating, he broke up with me. I was devastated. I couldn't accept that we weren't going to be together because I just felt deep down that we were meant to be together. Many months went by and he decided he had made a mistake and we got back together. 2 years later we got married. I think it will take a miracle for us to make this work, and truely work through our problems. When I talked about forgiving him, that included forgiving him for the hurt he caused by breaking up with me when we were dating that I never completely got over. I don't trust him because of this- that he won't keep hurting me over and over. Yet I can't stop loving him, even if that is dumb of me.

Originally Posted by funchy

You don't need to answer me, but I want you to consider think about this:
WHY do you want to be with him? Is it a desire to seek what is well-known and comfortable? Is it a fear of the "divorce" label? Is it a fear you might been a failure if the marriage fails? Are you afaid that it's possible you might find happiness with someone else?

The old cliche is true: there are so many fish in the sea. You did your best to make it work, and he's the one who gave up. Now he wants the benefits of marriage without the commitment. And he's getting everything on his terms.

I will say with confidence that you should not be giving him any sort of sexual gratification until he ends the seperation.

Have you asked him point blank why he wants to "date" you if he say the marriage isn't going to work? I think this question should be answered.

I am also concerned for you. You seem like a sensitive, caring person. You're spending your time and energy sorting through what went wrong. You let go of alot of pain he caused you. But what is he doing to show he's trying to fix things? Has he ever truly apologized for these hurtful things he did or said? If you do everything you can to have him back and he returns, what assurances is he giving you that he won't carelessly hurt you again?

.

You bring up MANY really good points. I want to be with him because I love him- Jon, for a billion different reasons. I love the person he is, but I don't love the mean parts of him that hurt me. Regarding what I am afraid of- everything. I don't want to be "divorced" at 28. I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am scared I will never find anyone with the qualities I love about Jon. These fears aren't the reason I don't want things to end however. I have tried to really examine my fears- I think they are pretty normal. I do want to make sure that my motives for wanting to make the marriage work are the right motives.

Responding to something else you said- he isn't doing anything to show me he is trying to fix things. I think also if we do reunite, one of the biggest problems we would face is me being able to trust him that he won't do this again. At this point I don't really trust anything he says because of all the times he has made statements and vows and then broken them.

Originally Posted by marklang500

Think of separation as a part of the evolution of a relationship, in reverse:

Dating
Dating with sex
Engagement with sex
Marriage with sex

Now reverse it:

Marriage with sex
Separation with sex
Dating with sex
Dating without sex
No dating, no sex
Divorce, no sex

Now here's the road you are going down:

Marriage with sex
Separation with sex
Dating with sex
No dating with sex
Divorced with sex

If that sounds good, then keep up what your doing! But keep in mind, if you get to "divorced with sex", both yours and his future relationships with other people will be greatly hindered by the sexual connection that you never broke off. It's a confusing, deceitful, difficult life to live, divorced yet having sex. If you brake the sexual connection BEFORE the divorce, there is a chance to change the direction of the evolution and end up married with sex again.

The way you are going about it, the evolution of the relationship towards divorce is masked by the continuation of sex. Not a good idea.

IMO, you should stop the sex, but keep dating him. Tell him that the next 3 times you see him should be considered a first date.

This point you make about breaking the sexual connection is interesting to me. To be honest I know deep down it is probably not the best decision to be sleeping with him, but frankly I am being selfish because it's fun However, I know it is in my best interest to grow up, get some self control, and try to behave more rationally. Easier said than done unfortunately.

I have a lot of things to be thinking about and considering. For that I thank you all!!!

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by kle28

Deep Deep down, the voice has always said- a happy relationship with him is too good to be true. After I graduated college while we were dating, he broke up with me. I was devastated. I couldn't accept that we weren't going to be together because I just felt deep down that we were meant to be together. Many months went by and he decided he had made a mistake and we got back together. 2 years later we got married. I think it will take a miracle for us to make this work, and truely work through our problems. When I talked about forgiving him, that included forgiving him for the hurt he caused by breaking up with me when we were dating that I never completely got over. I don't trust him because of this- that he won't keep hurting me over and over. Yet I can't stop loving him, even if that is dumb of me.

That's where I see there's a break in your feelings. You love him, that much is clear, but you have your doubts, and they are very strong doubts. Two people who love each other and are meant to be together can weather almost anything, but if two people are having hardship and struggle just in everyday terms then there could be something larger at work.

The other thing, I'm guessing he loves you too, but either he's very bad at expressing it, or there's something else going on for him. Either way, he's getting away with being irresponsible at the moment and that's not a good thing.

You can never really stop loving someone, all you can do is let them go to live their own life, and remember them in your heart.

You bring up MANY really good points. I want to be with him because I love him- Jon, for a billion different reasons. I love the person he is, but I don't love the mean parts of him that hurt me. Regarding what I am afraid of- everything. I don't want to be "divorced" at 28. I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am scared I will never find anyone with the qualities I love about Jon. These fears aren't the reason I don't want things to end however. I have tried to really examine my fears- I think they are pretty normal. I do want to make sure that my motives for wanting to make the marriage work are the right motives.

They are pretty normal fears, but normal is boring. Normal is what keeps people in crappy jobs doing things they don't like in order to pay bills and buy things until they are 65, when they can retire and drop dead. I don't like normal.

The fear of lonely isn't real though. Your personal survival isn't threatened by being alone. You won't die if you get divorced, but you feel that it's real for you. You also feel that if you get a divorce, then you'll be alone, but that's not a definite either. I would say that's not even likely. And you say that you are afraid you won't find someone with Jon's good qualities again, you could very well find someone with better ones.

The concerns are quite valid, but the fear that comes with them are not. Fear is meant to help you in a fight or flee situation, but personal relationships aren't one of those situations, so the fear is inappropriate. The fear is what's keeping you stuck, without them you could act on your concerns and find ways to use them to empower you, but the fear stops you from acting altogether.

I think I'm talking too much. It's fantastic that you've given up your resentment through forgiveness, the next step is giving up fear theough courage. Ask what a 100% courageous person would do in your situation, and see if that inspires you.

[jfrancis]

Originally Posted by kle28

This point you make about breaking the sexual connection is interesting to me. To be honest I know deep down it is probably not the best decision to be sleeping with him, but frankly I am being selfish because it's fun!

Sure, you are having fun, and who can blame you? Maybe this is just a necessary part of your process with him, but if you stay like this, you're on a road going nowhere. You need to confront the real issues at hand, with him, with yourself, etc. That is NOT going to be fun, but be courageous!!! You can do it. Whatever happens, take heart, you are going to be fine.

[kle28]

So I think it might be best to go for a little while (even a weeks seems long to me right now) without any communication between us- at least not any initiated by me.

However, the hardest part is when I am feeling sad and alone and really missing him- it's REALLY hard to not just call him or text him. Any suggestions that might help me?

I guess after thinking about what everyone has been saying, I am realizing that I shouldn't be thinking it is a good and wonderful sign that he wants to see me because it may just be that he is feeling lonely and I am familiar and comfortable to him. I am probably meeting a need of his which might be preventing him from having the time alone to really figure out what he wants. the only thing I worry about is that right at this moment, I feel confident that I can go for a few weeks without seeing him or talking to him....but it's inevitable that I will find myself soon in a state of weakness, feeling sad, and wanting to just say "screw it!" to my rational thinking and just go over and see him to make myself feel better.

that courage someone mentioned- any idea how to get some of that?

[robc]

I don't think the dating is a bad idea at all.

I'm even thinking that the sex may not be a bad thing either.

Your husband chose to separate from you and he is the one talking about getting a divorce. Leads me to believe alot of bad blood happened between the two of you and he got tired of it and chose to make the first move.

You mentioned that you started forgiving him and looking past his flaws and started treating him better, being more kind and you noticed that it influenced and changed a part of his behavior towards you.

People can always change, I have no doubt about that. The worst person can become the best person, the person who always doubted themselves and viewed themselves as failures & quitters can literally become world beaters and accomplish anything.

You hit the nail on the head when you said that you can't do anything to change his flaws and his mistakes, you can choose to decide to forgive him and love him as is. In a nutshell, that is all you can do but there is so much power in that.

When you stop making demands, when you start acting nicely and genuine, when you start becoming more loving and attentive, when you start really loving a person that kept at such a distance for a very long period of time, you will notice that this person will react in a different way to you. I would be surprised if he didn't act better.

You can't change people but you can change yourself, your behavior, your attitude and the way you do things. And in doing so and being genuine - not putting on a show or act, particularly in relationships, you will bring out the good in your partner, what else would you expect? He has nothing to resist you on, nothing to fight you on, nothing to distance himself away from. You changed your behavior and it attracted him back to you.

As far as the physical separation, some people say space is a good thing, others will argue it's a bad thing, I really can't say either way.

But all I can say is concentrate on being a great person for yourself and you seem to be doing an awesome job - I can say that confidently because the husband that was so distant from you came close, you were physically intimate with him again and the relationship may be in an upswing.

My advice would be not to talk about the relationship and not to focus on the bad things and bad experiences - no one wants to be around people like that. Focus on making the time spent by the two of you enjoyable first & foremost for yourself - he will be attracted to you because of this. Don't do any of this just for his sake, he will lose the attraction for you quickly.

Men typically associate physical intimacy with their wives as love, I would doubt he is being physically intimate with you just for the sex - he probably misses being close to you and sharing that experience with you.

If it was just sex and you are separated, he could get that from someone new if he really wanted to, if he pursues you for physical intimacy, he is still attracted to you and the chance for reconciliation exists.

Just continue living your life, share meals with him, a coffee, and date him. Each date doesn't have to end in sex but you're an adult and that is your decision, if you want to have sex with him because you want to have sex with him, have sex with him. If you don't want to, don't. But don't just have sex with him because he wants it, he would enjoy the physical intimacy a whole lot more knowing that you wanted him just as much as he wants you.

Rebuild the bond, don't focus or talk about negative things in your past right now, there can be time for that later if necessary with a marriage therapist but right now, I would focus on making deposits in the good will "savings account" of your relationship. Act nicely to him, be good to yourself, focus on the present, let go of the past (because you can't change it) and enjoy your life.

[kle28]

WOW!! robc- thanks for your post! I think you've been the first to not see anything wrong with what I have been doing. thanks for your reassurance that him wanting to be with me physically isn't just about the sex. I knew that because I can tell by the way he's been looking at me, but at the same time, I thought i better be cautious.

I think i am just going to wait for him to make the next move. I also appreciate you suggesting that I focus on making deposits in the good will "savings account". I've read that is the number one predictor of whether a marriage will succeed or fail.

Dr. John Gottman has studied married couples for decades and feels that he can predict with around 90% accuracy if a couple's marriage will succeed or fail by observing their interactions with one another and noting the number or positive exchanges versus negative ones. Makes a lot of sense.

Now I just need to figure out how to not let the possibility of my marriage failing keep depressing me so much, cuz it is awfully hard to be positive and work on self-improvement when you feel like a failure.

[robc]

Originally Posted by kle28

WOW!! robc- thanks for your post! I think you've been the first to not see anything wrong with what I have been doing. thanks for your reassurance that him wanting to be with me physically isn't just about the sex. I knew that because I can tell by the way he's been looking at me, but at the same time, I thought i better be cautious.

I think i am just going to wait for him to make the next move. I also appreciate you suggesting that I focus on making deposits in the good will "savings account". I've read that is the number one predictor of whether a marriage will succeed or fail.

Dr. John Gottman has studied married couples for decades and feels that he can predict with around 90% accuracy if a couple's marriage will succeed or fail by observing their interactions with one another and noting the number or positive exchanges versus negative ones. Makes a lot of sense.

Now I just need to figure out how to not let the possibility of my marriage failing keep depressing me so much, cuz it is awfully hard to be positive and work on self-improvement when you feel like a failure.

"how to not let the possibility of my marriage failing keep depressing me so much, cuz it is awfully hard to be positive and work on self-improvement when you feel like a failure."

- stop thinking about it. Become a deliberate thinker, it requires some practice but after a while you will learn to stop focusing on the negative and when you do start thinking about negative things, you will catch yourself and start thinking about positive things.

There are things that help with this: make a list of what you are thankful for, you can make it a huge list or you can make it a small list. The act of actually sitting down and thinking about all the things you are thankful for can be rewarding as you discover that you actually do have a few good things going for you.

And wouldn't this reconnection with your spouse, even if it's a small reconnection with limited possibilities be considered a success, isn't that a positive thing? Start focusing on the things you want instead of focusing on what you don't have, focus on the goals, don't focus on the obstacles. I remember reading somewhere that successful people have several things in common and one of those being that they don't assume failure, whatever it is they're doing, they just assume it will work out and if it doesn't work out, they will have backup plans which will count as a success even when their original goal/target was missed.

It's a mindset, get into it and start thinking more positively. Also start getting involved in things outside of the house, outside of work, outside of the relationship with your husband: go to the gym, do some shopping, feel better about yourself both on the inside & outside, reconnect with your friends & family and start being an individual again - there is nothing more attractive than someone who is secure with themselves, isn't needy or clingy and doesn't mope about because a relationship isn't currently working out. Don't make yourself available to your husband at every whim either, if you're busy doing something, it's ok to say so and if you want offer another time to get together. If he knows he can have you at any second, that will kill the attraction, you don't want to be easy but you don't want to be the ultimate challenge either.

Remember that great person is inside you, waiting to come out again and take over your existing life and lead it in a great new, positive, forward looking direction - allow this to happen and you can pretty much have everything you want in life.

I believe in that, you should too (but only if you want to). ;-)

[jfrancis]

Your original question: Is it "okay to date husband.." kle28- speaking for myself, I definitely do not think that you are 'wrong' or 'stupid' for doing what you're doing. That was not my point at all. If you feel that you are moving in a positive direction, then keep on that path. You are right, marriage (or any long term relationship) should not be thrown away lightly so take your time if you want. Keep in mind, there are no right or wrong answers here. However it plays out, though, if you are sticking with him, I think it is important that you both are fully on board, and communicating your wants and needs in a mature way - and acting deliberately. Even if it doesn't "work out" in the end, you will both be better people for it. I also didn't mean to sound as if working out your issues means you can't have any fun. Oh my goodness, no! They aren't mutually exclusive at all - they are BOTH really crucial elements in a relationship. Thanks, robc, for your perspective on that.
I do implore you to listen to that inner voice (mind you, that doesn't mean you have to haul off and do whatever it says..) but listen to it. What is it saying...about (most importantly) you? That courage, it will come from within you as you listen and find strength in your natural self.