Invisibility, big decisions and not comparing...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I've got a lot going on in my mind (the effects of not having a job). Some things in particular have been bugging me so I'm going to put them out there to see if anyone has an opinion or advice that could help.

1) Sometimes I feel invisible. I notice people all around me making connections, flirting, talking to strangers. And most of the time I feel very left out of that scene. I feel like I'm invisible...on the outside of reality more as an observer than an active participant. When I do try to interact with people it sometimes seems like I'm a nuisance to them. What's that about?

2) How do you know whether you're making the right decision? I'm unemployed at the moment -- and not in a "good way" -- and I've got a job offer. The only problem is that it's at a Christian school. I feel it would be dishonest to take it considering I'm not deeply religious anymore (one of the requirements of the job), but at the same time I could do the job with my hands tied behind my back. I have the qualifications and I really need the money.

3) How do you separate what you see happening all around you from your own life? I observe a lot of people who are dishonest in their relationships -- lots of "cheating" -- and it's sometimes a struggle not to compare and wonder if maybe I've had the wool pulled over my eyes as well. Not sure if that makes sense. I'm not really scared of being in the same position because I know that whatever happens I'm safe and that I can learn and grow in all situations, but always feel compelled to compare and it's becoming a problem.

All this is just coming out as I think of it so it could probably be figured out on my own, but what the hell. I haven't smoked in a couple of weeks (Dan) since I'm job hunting and I've got my mind running kinda wild.

[Jim11]

#2. You've already concluded that it's dishonest to take the position due to the religious component.
How can you decide if you should take it anyway?
You need to weigh how much the small act of dishonesty matters to you. If it won't effect your performance and delivery of the material then perhaps you can just take the job and not think about it much beyond that.

#3. You just need to mentally separate what is in your control and what isn't. When I recognize the futility of thinking about other people's relationships or past relationships I tend to forget about it.

If you are the type of person that often contemplates "what if", past events, etc, then this may be difficult to stop doing. If you're not then I'm sure you'll come back to yourself and stop thinking about it.

I rarely find comparison to other people useful for anything. Only results that usually come from it are an inflated or deflated ego.

Congrats on quitting smoking. I was also between jobs a little while ago and it definitely gives you lots of time to think.

[VelociRaptor]

#2 If you are worried about it, then bring it up with the School that is offering you the job, if they still want to offer you the job then you can go in there not feeling like you where dishonest.

#3 I guess all you can do here is worry about yourself, make sure you are the person you want to be and don't spend too much time worrying about what other people are like etc.

[seeker5]

#2: How about being upfront about it with them. Maybe you can call them and say: "Hey, I really want to take that job, and I've love to, and I know I can help you guys so much. First, I want to be upfront about something. I'm not that religious anymore, and I know you wanted someone highly religious. Now, I'm not going to bring it up the fact I'm not highly religious anymore while working there, and I completely respect what everyone's devotion is. I just wanted to be honest and straight with you guys. If despite that, you still would love for me to work for you guys, I'll be happy to."

And be ready to accept their decision either way.

Sometimes you'll be surprised though what people will be ready to accept when you're honest and completely upfront with them.

You may BTW get questions from them about your beliefs so they can gauge how far you aren't highly religious, so be ready to have answers for that.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

1) When I do try to interact with people it sometimes seems like I'm a nuisance to them. What's that about?

Could it just be about your social skills ?
Maybe it's just that simple, how about working on improving your social skills, little by little ?

About the nuisance to people, I've experienced that also. Especially when I'm talking to a stranger, durng the first seconds of the interaction. At first, their reaction can be surprised or they are defensive, because they don't know yet why I'm talking to them. But usually, after a few sentences it completely changes and we start connecting. So maybe the nuisance feelings is just about the beginning of the interaction?

3) How do you separate what you see happening all around you from your own life? I observe a lot of people who are dishonest in their relationships -- lots of "cheating"

Why the need to separate what you see from your own life ? If you manage to do that, you'll end up with the feeling "they are like that, and I am not, therefore we are diferent". That's not a good feeling to build connections with people, and it can make you feel lonely.

It would be more effective to try to understand why you have an issue with cheating. After all, cheating = not being totally upfront with your intentions.

You seem to value honesty very much, and it's great, but doesn't it lead you to feel separate from those you see cheating? Maybe you can try to feel compassion and understanding towards them by seeing that being totally upfront is a hard thing to achieve, as you can see with your question number 2. (I am also working to improve in the "being upfront" area of my life right now, so I see that too).

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

1) Sometimes I feel invisible. I notice people all around me making connections, flirting, talking to strangers. And most of the time I feel very left out of that scene. I feel like I'm invisible...on the outside of reality more as an observer than an active participant. When I do try to interact with people it sometimes seems like I'm a nuisance to them. What's that about?

I know the feeling of being invisible, it sucks. I only became more visible when I started to get clear on my purpose in life and generally became more in touch with my own wishes, preferences and desires (I had suppressed them for so long, that I had forgotten to listen to myself). So I had to become more clear about myself first, then others started to notice me.

It's a long shot, but could this be the same for you? Do you have goals and a purpose? Do you generally know what you want and go for it? Are you generally very aware of your emotions or do you feel kinda flat most of the time?

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

2) How do you know whether you're making the right decision? I'm unemployed at the moment -- and not in a "good way" -- and I've got a job offer. The only problem is that it's at a Christian school. I feel it would be dishonest to take it considering I'm not deeply religious anymore (one of the requirements of the job), but at the same time I could do the job with my hands tied behind my back. I have the qualifications and I really need the money.

Would it feel like cheating to accept the job offer? (Do you see the link with point #3?)
By the way, I think VelociRaptor and Seeker5 gave a good suggestion. Just throw your cards on the table and let them decide.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

3) How do you separate what you see happening all around you from your own life? I observe a lot of people who are dishonest in their relationships -- lots of "cheating" -- and it's sometimes a struggle not to compare and wonder if maybe I've had the wool pulled over my eyes as well. Not sure if that makes sense. I'm not really scared of being in the same position because I know that whatever happens I'm safe and that I can learn and grow in all situations, but always feel compelled to compare and it's becoming a problem.

Why do you want to separate it from your life? That only leads to more seperation (your point #1). I would advise Steve's approach of seeing the cheating as a reflection of your own consciousness. So ask yourself: What is it that bothers me about seeing other people cheating and what would I like to be different about myself?

[robc]

ATC, you need to take the job, at least for the time being - when you start having problems financially, you will get problems in other areas of your life, plus working may help take your mind off some of these other things.

You may also find that the job may awaken the spiritual component of your life that hasn't been active - that may be the answer itself.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

1) Sometimes I feel invisible. I notice people all around me making connections, flirting, talking to strangers. And most of the time I feel very left out of that scene. I feel like I'm invisible...on the outside of reality more as an observer than an active participant. When I do try to interact with people it sometimes seems like I'm a nuisance to them. What's that about?
.

Hey Clarity!

I can totally relate to this feeling. The feeling of invisibility. The thing is though, it's a lie. You (and me, and all of us!) are never really invisible. We separate ourselves by believing that feeling. And we rob people around us from being able to share in our warmth. I know that you are a pretty physically active woman, do you ever practice Yoga? I never fail to come back from a practice not feeling better connected and more grounded, less invisible. There is a web site called Yoga Journal, that even has free web casts. In my opinion, going to a group class is optimal because of the community, but I'm not sure it's an option for you.

Love you Clarity ~

Honey

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Jim11

#2. You've already concluded that it's dishonest to take the position due to the religious component.
How can you decide if you should take it anyway?
You need to weigh how much the small act of dishonesty matters to you. If it won't effect your performance and delivery of the material then perhaps you can just take the job and not think about it much beyond that.

I think it would bother me a lot. I've got this "gut feeling" that it's not the job for me and so I think that to take it would be very dishonest as well as taking the opportunity away from someone who deeply wants to be involved in educating children in a Christian setting.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by VelociRaptor

#3 I guess all you can do here is worry about yourself, make sure you are the person you want to be and don't spend too much time worrying about what other people are like etc.

Good idea. Thanks.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by seeker5

#2: How about being upfront about it with them. Maybe you can call them and say: "Hey, I really want to take that job, and I've love to, and I know I can help you guys so much. First, I want to be upfront about something. I'm not that religious anymore, and I know you wanted someone highly religious. Now, I'm not going to bring it up the fact I'm not highly religious anymore while working there, and I completely respect what everyone's devotion is. I just wanted to be honest and straight with you guys. If despite that, you still would love for me to work for you guys, I'll be happy to."

And be ready to accept their decision either way.

Sometimes you'll be surprised though what people will be ready to accept when you're honest and completely upfront with them.

You may BTW get questions from them about your beliefs so they can gauge how far you aren't highly religious, so be ready to have answers for that.

That's great advice. At this point I've decided to trust what I feel is my intuition about this job, but I will keep this in mind for future situations. Thanks seeker.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

Could it just be about your social skills ?
Maybe it's just that simple, how about working on improving your social skills, little by little ?

About the nuisance to people, I've experienced that also. Especially when I'm talking to a stranger, durng the first seconds of the interaction. At first, their reaction can be surprised or they are defensive, because they don't know yet why I'm talking to them. But usually, after a few sentences it completely changes and we start connecting. So maybe the nuisance feelings is just about the beginning of the interaction?

It could be that a lot of people don't expect friendly interaction from strangers and so it's like they have a wall. But at the same time I see lots of strangers interacting with each other...just not me. It could very well be that I'm the one with a wall up, even though I feel like I want to interact with people. I never thought my social skills were lacking but that doesn't mean they aren't!

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

Why the need to separate what you see from your own life ? If you manage to do that, you'll end up with the feeling "they are like that, and I am not, therefore we are diferent". That's not a good feeling to build connections with people, and it can make you feel lonely.

It would be more effective to try to understand why you have an issue with cheating. After all, cheating = not being totally upfront with your intentions.

You seem to value honesty very much, and it's great, but doesn't it lead you to feel separate from those you see cheating? Maybe you can try to feel compassion and understanding towards them by seeing that being totally upfront is a hard thing to achieve, as you can see with your question number 2. (I am also working to improve in the "being upfront" area of my life right now, so I see that too).

They way I calmed myself after a seriously disturbing conversation I overheard the other day was to remind myself that I don't know all of the facts surrounding these people's lives. Maybe there's more to it. And of course that it's none of my business. I don't want to make myself separate or better. I guess I just don't want to think of it happening to me. But I guess like you're saying it's best just to work on my own honesty and "upfrontness" in order to observe those qualities more in the world around me?

Thanks, night for giving me a lot of good advice to think about.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Pequod

I know the feeling of being invisible, it sucks. I only became more visible when I started to get clear on my purpose in life and generally became more in touch with my own wishes, preferences and desires (I had suppressed them for so long, that I had forgotten to listen to myself). So I had to become more clear about myself first, then others started to notice me.

It's a long shot, but could this be the same for you? Do you have goals and a purpose? Do you generally know what you want and go for it? Are you generally very aware of your emotions or do you feel kinda flat most of the time?

I am very emotionally aware and never flat with my emotions! But as for the other stuff, no, I don't really know what I want, don't have goals or desires that I can work toward. I'm sure that would help me feel more like I deserve the engaged interaction of strangers.

Originally Posted by Pequod

Would it feel like cheating to accept the job offer? (Do you see the link with point #3?)
By the way, I think VelociRaptor and Seeker5 gave a good suggestion. Just throw your cards on the table and let them decide.

It would feel like cheating and I thank everyone for pointing out that connection. I'd come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be honest of me to take the job, but I hadn't really connected it to the other issues I was facing. Something to think about.

Originally Posted by Pequod

Why do you want to separate it from your life? That only leads to more seperation (your point #1). I would advise Steve's approach of seeing the cheating as a reflection of your own consciousness. So ask yourself: What is it that bothers me about seeing other people cheating and what would I like to be different about myself?

That may take some time to really explore, but I am going to do it. Thanks.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by robc

ATC, you need to take the job, at least for the time being - when you start having problems financially, you will get problems in other areas of your life, plus working may help take your mind off some of these other things.

You may also find that the job may awaken the spiritual component of your life that hasn't been active - that may be the answer itself.

Rob, I usually agree with your advice, but I don't think I am going to take this job.

And as for the spiritual component, I may not have been very clear. There is spirituality in my life, it's just not of a Christian persuasion. That's something that I've come to after living as a pretty devoted Christian for the majority of my life and was not a decision I made lightly.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Hey Clarity!

I can totally relate to this feeling. The feeling of invisibility. The thing is though, it's a lie. You (and me, and all of us!) are never really invisible. We separate ourselves by believing that feeling. And we rob people around us from being able to share in our warmth. I know that you are a pretty physically active woman, do you ever practice Yoga? I never fail to come back from a practice not feeling better connected and more grounded, less invisible. There is a web site called Yoga Journal, that even has free web casts. In my opinion, going to a group class is optimal because of the community, but I'm not sure it's an option for you.

Love you Clarity ~

Honey

So true and right on. As I said above it may be me who is putting up a wall by seeing myself this way. So, I'm going to work on that. And yoga was always good to me, for sure. I'll check out the website until finances make it possible to join a class. Thanks for the reminder. I love you too!

[Vicariously Yours]

I remember an oft-quoted comment by Ghandi, which goes something like this: you have to be the change you want to see in the world. I think this means you will have to be the initiator in all of those situations where you generally feel either invisible or you believe the other person will be annoyed by you. The truth of those matters is that you can never know what's in the other person's mind, and, that being the case, we will generally put our own thoughts there. In your case, I think you're putting your own fears into those situations: you are afraid that no one sees you, or you are afraid that the people who do see you will somehow disapprove of you.

This is projection. I notice you've mentioned a continued interest in spirituality, even after having distanced yourself from the traditional Christian arena. I might suggest to you A Course In Miracles, which discusses the illusion of separation, as well as the phenomenon of projection. It's deep, involved and complex reading, but if you can wade through it and do the suggested exercises, you will see an improvement in how things look to you.

Cheers. And I applaud your not taking the job...I've too many times taken work for its own sake and regretted it. You have to feel good about whatever endeavor you're engaged in, or it won't work out.

[daredevil83]

I feel like I'm invisible...on the outside of reality more as an observer than an active participant. When I do try to interact with people it sometimes seems like I'm a nuisance to them.

It could be that a lot of people don't expect friendly interaction from strangers and so it's like they have a wall. But at the same time I see lots of strangers interacting with each other...just not me. It could very well be that I'm the one with a wall up, even though I feel like I want to interact with people. I never thought my social skills were lacking but that doesn't mean they aren't!

Aspiring, I want to share one thing I've discovered recently in my life, maybe you'll find it helpful.
There are no such thing as "they" (or "people" - "people don't like me", "I'm a nuisance to people" etc. I hope I'm clear).

It was a point in which I discovered what the "empowering belief" really means.

What do I do when I say "people don't want to talk with me"? I locate responsibility for quality of my life in other people. "They" like me or not - and I want they to like me (which is truth) - so "they" decided if I feel good or bad. Or I may also think: "I am not good enough to be someone's friend". But wait the moment - who create the criteria of being "good" or "bad"? Of course - "they", the other "people". And "they" are so unfair!

First belief --> "people" are set of individuals. And when you get individual and start observation, you'll discover, that he/she is not so different as you might think before. Maybe he or she wanted to talk to you, but thought, i.e. "No... She's so smart that she'll think that I'm dumb and reject me". or "What do I have to say? I'm boring".
Second – be proactive, or, in other words - take initiative.
Do you want to have more people around you? So go to them. Meet them, speak to them, spend time with them – and don't wait until they take the first step. Watch it from the proactive people's perspective – what beliefs allow someone to approach you and start a relationship of any kind? There are people who start conversation and the people that wait for the others to start. So now join this first club.

I am on the beginnng of this path, but I believe it's correct path.
I decide if I like someone and want to meet him/her, and if someone don't like me or don't want to speak to me - I always can find another person to speak to. I'm OK, and also he/she is OK.
I'm working on my beliefs and slowly improving my social skills. It seems hard but worth my effort. And it's really empowering, because the responsibility is in my hands.

The second issue.
Guess where does the feeling of being nuisance (and this "wall" too) come from? Your feeling is product of your thoughts and beliefs. And beliefs aren't truth itself; they're true if you have faith that they are true - that's it. And "people" generally play minor role in this process. You probably have no idea what other people think about you (I guess that you don't use telepathy), so in fact you fight with your own imagination.

Allow other people to take care of themselves.
If they want to communicate with you, or they want to meet you – even IF they consider it as something painful – it's they choice. They are responsible for they feelings and decisions, and you are OK.

Every human have the right to not being your friend – and you also have it in relation to others.

Greetings

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I don't really know what I want, don't have goals or desires that I can work toward. I'm sure that would help me feel more like I deserve the engaged interaction of strangers.

It has nothing to do with deservedness. We haven't met, but I'm sure you deserve engaged interaction with people. And you will get it when you believe that also!

I meant that if you know who you are, your personalty will shine through stronger, and people always react to that.

And there is another side to this: if you know your purpose, of have a goal, than you will be more aware of people who are also aligned with this purpose or goal. You will start to reach out to them. And when you meet these people, you will have naturally a subject to talk about and bond. And that will give you more confidence so you meet more resonating people etc etc.

So many people live by just going through the motions. There is no excitement, adventure or purpose in their life. So what do they talk about in their offices or clubs? Gossip, jealous backstabbing, banalities, the fear-broadcasts on television etc. Is that what you really want? Just by being on this forum you showed you Aspire more. So get some Clarity and go for it! You'll meet your friends along the way. They're waiting....

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

1) Sometimes I feel invisible. I notice people all around me making connections, flirting, talking to strangers. And most of the time I feel very left out of that scene. I feel like I'm invisible...on the outside of reality more as an observer than an active participant. When I do try to interact with people it sometimes seems like I'm a nuisance to them. What's that about?

Seems these are your limiting thoughts:

- I'm invisible
- I'm a nuisance
- I don't belong

These thoughts are coloring the way you see/interact with the world.

What can you do to change these limiting thoughts?I always recommend EFT, BSFF, TAT and NLP - these methods have given me significant joy and peace in my life.

3) How do you separate what you see happening all around you from your own life? I observe a lot of people who are dishonest in their relationships -- lots of "cheating" -- and it's sometimes a struggle not to compare and wonder if maybe I've had the wool pulled over my eyes as well. Not sure if that makes sense. I'm not really scared of being in the same position because I know that whatever happens I'm safe and that I can learn and grow in all situations, but always feel compelled to compare and it's becoming a problem.

Is it YOU (the eternal you) doing the comparing - or some aspect of you (ego, scared inner child, etc.) doing the comparing?

Did you know that a peanut-sized part of your brain basically creates all the drama in our lives? Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor calls it the "Storyteller." I think many people would call it the "Ego." Yup - the ego - with it's need to compare and contrast, to fixate on the past, to create stories...it's just a tiny part of your anatomy AND spirit.

And yet we all confuse this tiny thing as being the total or main part of us.

Personally, my life improved a lot once I realized that 99.999% of me is totally chillin'. This peanut in my brain - that's not me. It's just a tiny part of me.

And it's just a tiny part of you. As Eckhart Tolle says - smile at it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

VY, daredevil, Pequod and uber. I thank you all for your posts that have given me a lot to think about and made some things more clear. Good reminders. I am not feeling like writing a big to do in response right now but I wanted you all to know that I heard you and appreciate it!

Uber, you've been sigged. I love it.