Concerned that my low self esteem is ruining relationship

[JessieJen]

Hi,
I have never posted before, however i came across this site and i think this would be a great place to share a significant concern i have. I have friends, however i am too embarrassed to share this with them.

I 'discovered' i have low self esteem (LSE). Honestly, i didn't know i had such problems, until a month ago. I do all of the typical stuff... the overreacting, suspiciousness, moodiness, feeling my partner doesn't love me, have difficulty giving him love, feeling in desparate need of attention, wanting always to be top dog, etc.

I realized "I" was the problem when i became involved with my current boyfriend. He is a really wonderful person... mature, balanced, supportive, funny, etc. I can actually say that this is the man i have been waiting for. I really think he would do anything for me.

However, about a month ago i was on another one of my little tirades (it got really bad)... i was upset that i felt he loved his ex better than me. I came to that conclusion bc they still are on friendly terms and he bought her SOOOO many things when they were together (ring, car, house, big amonts of weekly cash for spending). I figured i must not mean all that much bc in comparison bc he does not do anything at all like that for me.

We have been together for 3 months. He told me that he was really surprised to learn that he has to walk on eggshells around me; he said it is exhausting at times. Told me that he is confused where that "confident'" woman with an attitude went- said he really liked that about me. (I am a woman in a bit of a power position at work; he was actually intimidated by me when we met and acted like a scared puppy for months before we became a couple- it was cute). He used to tell me "you are so smart and beautiful... i can't believe you are single." Well---- i think NOW he knows why .

He says i don't seem the same- i am overly emotional and insecure. Thing is ... that was pretty much the same thing my last boyfriend told me a few weeks before he dumped me.

So, i went online to try to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. I learned it was LSE. Since that time i have been reading books night and day. I have also been in treatment for 3 weeks with a therapist who specializes in LSE- thank goodness for her!!

Problem is.... i am now completely afraid to be around him. I am so scared that due to LSE my distorted thoughts are going to cause me to jump on his case about something stupid and continue to push him away. I try not to call him anymore.... i decided not to see him this weekend. In a way i also feel it will give him a needed respite from the drama that i tend to bring. He used to email me daily... text me several times a day.... call everynight. He was so smitten--He doesn't do that anymore (he stopped about 2 wks ago).

I haven't told my therapist that i am avoiding him, however i simply do not trust myself enough to be around him, bc i know my crap will come out and i will sabatoge my own relationship. Bottom line is that... i love this guy. I think this is the guy for me, so i can't risk screwing it up. We have known each other for about a yr and in a relationship for 3 months... i think i know him well enough to realize that he is so different from all the others... a better fit.

He said he wants a warm... happy relationship and i don't blame him... he deserves that. He has a daughter and i know he wants a strong, caring, normal woman around her. I don't feel i am mature enough.... yet i want SO badly to be better... not just for him, but for me bc i often feel so unhappy. I grew up with abuse and so (thanks to my therapist) i learned that my LSE developed due to that and hence i have to work really hard now to recover from it. I just think it is going to be hard to recover and keep him.

I'm not sure if my approach is correct or not. I just don't want to continue to confuse my boyfriend... make him unhappy with my moodiness... bc i know that will make him question if he made a good decision by engaging in a relationship with me. I already think he has regrets bc i am not the confident, fun woman he knew for so many months. Now that i am closer to him emotionally (relationship) the LSE shows and i can't hide it!

IDK if it is too late to turn my relationship around... for him to feel free to be himself with me. I may have ruined it already.

Curious about what others may think of this, as I would like to ponder your take on my situation.

Thanks,
Jessie

[MyEyeIsOpen]

You should have him read your post just as you've written it. I think it'll make all the differencec -- it's saying "Sweetheart, I want you, you're important to me, and I know I have these problems you've noticed, and I'm serious about dfixing them."

[ns123]

Tell him that you have LSE. And that you recognize it and are committed to overcoming it. And that he may have to put up with several episodes of LSE and when he recognizes it, have a code word for him to help support you.

Then mean it. And live it. And commit to it every day and every moment of your life. (this is the really hard part)

If he leaves, that's ok, at least he's helped you see your LSE. You too, deserve a loving supportive partner, with your flaws and all. You don't have to "fix yourself" before you love. Love is possible, even with all our flaws.

[Breaker]

Hey Jessie

First of all I want to say that I really admire that you have the strenght and commitment to come here and say this, and more importantly to take action towards becomming a better person!!

Other than that, Whats allready been said about showing him the post would actually work wonders in my mind. Would make him understand why you react as you do in some situations..

But most important of all: DONT AVOID HIM!! Thats the absolute best way of making him loose feelings for you, which is what your trying to avoid in the first place!! You dont wanna come off as being cold towards him do you? Cause that might be what it could seem like to him if your avoiding him.

If you think that you are going to be off the hook, hysterical or whatever when you see him, chances are that you will. Because in this case you allready sat your own frame for the meeting.. makes sence?

But on the other hand, if you keep saying to yourself that its gonna be absolutely amazing seeing him again because you love this man so much and missed him, and that your not gonna fight him cause really... whats the point in that? If you do it this way, chances are that its gonna turn out just great (:

And as its allready been said.. If this dude cant accept your flaws(which are human!!) he does not desurve you and your better off without him.

Though he really SHOULD know that your struggeling with this and actually making an affort to change it.

[MINDLESS15]

So, i went online to try to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.

It's such a good thing that you've found this site. Lots of good voices hear. Well, we've got something in common(reading your post) this fear/insecurity that is hurting us and the people we love. I'm on that path of trying to figure stuff out and the great thing is that you know you want out of this mental rut, that is a good 'start up' on your mental change/willingness.

I got/get the same thing from my partner, 'where did that confident, good attitude person go?"... It is a hard thing to explain to them.. Where DID I go, where did we go?? My partner and I, we live together but that exact pattern happened w/ us too, I use to get daily 'love' texts and emails and well... it stopped. This may be a strange analogy but it's like dogs do, they sense fear and in doing so their stance becomes defense and it's almost as fear sets in them as well and they just freeze there.. So don't add to your thoughts that this might be another sign of him not loving you enough ect..not that I'm saying you're thinking this..but..

Well you are on the right path on starting to help yourself. I started researching and reading and have started journaling ect..and I've yet to get to the real root of my issues, my thinking. Well I have good ideas of the causes but that doesn't stop me from still acting out. Being able to control my 'inner voice' that's the skill I have yet to learn how to apply. I was just highly adviced that I need to calm, to quiet my inner voice.

However, about a month ago i was on another one of my little tirades (it got really bad)... i was upset that i felt he loved his ex better than me. I came to that conclusion bc they still are on friendly terms and he bought her SOOOO many things when they were together (ring, car, house, big amonts of weekly cash for spending). I figured i must not mean all that much bc in comparison bc he does not do anything at all like that for me.

If you start feeling one of these come up, this is where you can 'really start' to catch yourself before it all explodes right in front of you. Catch your mind before it runs(I'm taking notes on this myself). It can be hard to do but again these are the thoughts that are eating us up alive here. Telling us things that aren't really true but 'our distorted' logic seems to tell us different, tell us that, yeah he loves her more, he thinks less of me...so on and on..

Try to tackle that 'fear' you are experiencing about being around him. Be around him. In fact this is where you're going to find one of your strengths, if you start feeling one of those destructive thoughts come up..right there, there is a chance to see how you're going to try to start to change your process of thinking. But if it makes you happy being around him don't steal this away from yourself too. Do what others here are saying, if you haven't talked to him, do. And if he has patience he'll stand by and support you. You need to assure him there is nothing there for him to try and fix, it's your thing to fix. But again as I was adviced, do try to figure out the triggers that get the mind going. If he says something that makes you start those 'insecure' feelings up, notice it and then somehow find a way to say, (ie can you please not mention to me that you talked to your ex today (if in example this is something that would trigger your feelings about it all) or what ever it is that you find sets you off..see if you can avoid that part of the conversation.

You mentioned words like embrassed, afraid and avoiding, albeit it's understandable to feel this way try not to do this to your self. It'll put you in that hole more. It really is good that you found yourself here. Welcome.

[JessieJen]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for responding. I DO appreciate it very much. I spoke with him last night. He is a perceptive guy so he encouraged me to tell him what was the matter. He asked me if it were his ex girlfriend again on my mind. I started in (like frigging automatic pilot) all my reasons that i felt he loved her more than me and that given that they have a baby between them i felt he will want to go back.

He told me he was so confused by the way i think. We sort of agreed to disagree last night and both hung up in frustration.

This morning he emailed me to ask me "what is going on" with me. Said he wants his confident Jess back and that he is sure that if i continue to stress myself like this that I am going to simply leave him just to get relief from my own pain/ my mind. He said that would hurt him very much if I broke up with him over nothing.

So when i didn't respond to his email (bc i was scared and taking time to think about what to say )- he called me. He said he loves me and wished things felt the way they did when we were friends for nearly a year and the first several weeks of our intimate relationship. He said those were such good times.... said i was so funny, carefree, and confident. He said he loved how i would playfully get tough with him and them become so gentle. He said that is all gone now and he doesn't know what he did wrong.

I just couldn't tell him i have low self esteem. I am still ashamed. Therefore i said something like.... 'i know you have noticed a change. I know you miss me... in many ways i miss me too. I am really struggling with insecurities regarding our relationship and it seems i have focused on your ex and become stuck. Not sure what to do.'

I informed him that i was aware that it was coming from me and my perception of things... i told him that he hasn't recently done anything wrong... i just keep comparing how he treated the ex and how he treats me and it is completely different. She was lavished with gifts and i pretty much never get anything.

He spent 1/2 hour telling me why he did the things that he did for his ex girlfriend. He told me that he never again wants to get a woman who is dependent.... who (although she was very kind to him) kept milking him for money. Given that he is a multimillionaire he didn't care about forking over some cash for her to go shopping. However he told me that it grew completely out of control... 20 grand here and there.

He said that she was sweet to him- but there was no depth between them. It was all superficial. He said he wanted a woman to "stimulate" his mind.. who was smart. He said he then decided that he wanted an independent woman.... someone who also brought something to the table... someone educated.... "she has to be hot of course" (isn't he sweet for saying that)... He said he felt he deserved the total package and he feels he found that in me. Told me not to destroy this over someone he has no feelings for.

He asked me if there were anything he could do help me feel secure with us again.... to get his old Jessie back. Said he wanted to do anything he could. OMG my heart just melted... He actually wants to help me.

Can you believe he said that......... see this is why i feel badly for putting him through all my garbage. I am going to continue with my therapist.... work on my readings.... complete the exercises in those workbooks and just have a positive hopeful attitude that he and i will be okay. That i am worthy of having him.... that he didn't consider his ex better than me. If he did he wouldn't have left her.

My therapist has been demonstrating how to deal with my negative thoughts that pop in my head taking me from 0 to 100 in a matter of milliseconds. It is just SO difficult to implement her strategies when the negative thoughts are so automatic and thus send my emotions into a tailspin. I am going to practice and practice. I really hope this works over time. Of course i am not expecting anything after only 3 sessions, however... my goodness i hope by next year this time i am more emotionally regulated

Thank you everyone SO SO SO much. I love reading your responses. If anyone else has anything they would want to say i sincerely welcome it. I supposed being honest (even though i didn't say the words LSE) was better than my old approach of either avoid or argue to protect my ego!

Jessie

[MINDLESS15]

You really do have issues...as I said, alot like I do. We allow the mind to from 0 to 100 in no time for what ever uncontrolled reasons. BIG difference is you for whatever reason, you're scared, embrassed or whatever to speak up(to him)about what you're really going through.

He asked me if it were his ex girlfriend again on my mind. I started in (like frigging automatic pilot) all my reasons that i felt he loved her more than me and that given that they have a baby between them i felt he will want to go back.

It seems that you did it again on the phone, your 'automatic pilot' thing...and you weren't even able to 'fullly' discuss the underlying issue.

I'll tell you something just for right now he'll being kind and understanding,unless you really talk to him and you do eventually find that peace w/in yourself. Hell my bf would leave his work drive to mine just to give me a hug because I wasn't feeling well or because I was having one of one fits..he soon grew weary of my issues and less sensitive...I ended up like a broken record going in circles.

And honestly, have you considered that his past has 'nothing' to do with you? That it's not something for you to be comparing to or not to be harsh but it's almost none of your business what he did for his ex. He really doesn't need to explain anything to you about his past. And if he did love her more..so what..that's gone and in the past..

That i am worthy of having him.... that he didn't consider his ex better than me. If he did he wouldn't have left her.

And it's not who's better than who, her better than you, you better than her!!!!..no matter how much love was there between them obviously didn't keep him staying with her for another reasons...SHE could have been better in certain ways as YOU are better in others.. You're talking about two total different people her you got to quit comparing.

So..now he's with you, 'today' and that is all that matters..

Good luck and keep up w/ the positive attitude.

[JessieJen]

Thank you 'Mindless'... i know that i am going to wear him out if i keep it up. I guess i have to work up the courage to say it.

Take care!
Jess

[jfrancis]

I think it is so important for you to tell about these self-esteem issues. That might just be the courageous first step you need. Being able to communicate those scary things with your partner will make SUCH a huge difference in your relationship. Holding that stuff in...trust me, it will spiral downward. It sounds like you have a good basis of friendship to work with, and since sounds pretty open to working on things with you, so what is holding you back?

[Angela]

I think this is the guy for me, so i can't risk screwing it up.

Boy, does this stuff sound familiar! You're going along just fine, friendly and confident, and all of a sudden you find yourself "in a relationship" and your old pain limiting self-belief gets reactivated, and you are a frog in a blender!

It's funny how the right reactivator shows up in your life, and he becomes "the one;" it feels as if it is a matter of life and death to *make* it work. And consider that it is your old pain belief that has you clutching so tightly to "keeping" this guy.

It sounds familiar to me because mine is "I am second rate," and that is a meaning I made when something happened when I was a little girl. I grew up to be an absurdly autonomous person, ultra confident looking, but when I found myself in relationship with a man, suddenly it took all my energy to prove that I am not second rate and to avoid having him find out that I am second rate. It was exhausting as that sounds, and it was exhausting as reading your post and how I imagine you must feel. Exhausted, as if you are clutching the edge of a cliff hoping not to fall 3 miles to your death -- really, it feels like a real threat, doesn't it, *losing* him?

Here's the good news: it is possible to examine your old pain belief and to eliminate its power over you. It is possible to generate something that works better, and it's possible to be in a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) in which you are both happy volunteers, dancing in all your conversations, and generating love, peace, freedom and joy in your relationship, regardless of the thoughts, words, or actions of the other person. It's possible to reach the point where the idea of "self-esteem" just makes you laugh, because you are wildly in love with your own life. Really! I think you'll be just fine, safe and supported in relationship, if you'd like to be -- when you're ready to be. Meanwhile, you ARE safe and supported -- you are okay, right now, right? You're not actually in danger of falling from a cliff to your death, right? -- and you are loved. The lessons you are learning now are absolutely perfect in leading you where you need to go.

(Have you recognized yet that I am writing this to my younger self? )

Lots of love,
Angela

[ssandra]

Hi,

From my perspective, it is best to tell him. I did (or my husband forced it out of me better said...) and now it makes us a much happier couple.

Whenever I feel insecure, I can just tell him, and actually make a joke of it...

I can say "i´m feeling insecure about your ex-wife. I know it is stupid, but do you still love me..??"
Then he says "no, i don't" and holds me and hugs me and gives me kisses and says he loves me more then anything in the world...

To be able to joke about it, and to be able to make light of these situations without my feelings being ridiculed makes is such a better situation! It doesn't make it the horrible big thing between us, and yet my feelings get recognised.

So my advice: Get together with you terapist, and write him a letter in which you explain what is going on, and ask if he is willing to except you flaws and all.. If yes: You will know that he loves you no matter what. If no..? You are better of without him anyway!

Good luck!

[carenkh]

Angela - Where's the link to your site? It's a simple thing to add it to your signature...

[margarita]

Your story is so familiar that it sent shivers down my spine. I am in the exact same position as you except I'm on the receiving end - met my boyfriend a year ago - started dating him about a year later. 2 1/2 months in the relationship he started acting the same way as you.

Because the story is almost identical, I feel like it's not necessary to get into details about my situation but suffice to say, I care about him deeply but it was too difficult to deal with his negative energy. He said some horrible things that provoked me to break-up with him, in some ways I'm grateful because it was emotionally exhausting being with someone with such low self-esteem. It was getting to the point where he was "projecting" his feelings on to me: criticizing me and lashing out to restore his own ego. I recognized the toxicity and removed myself from the situation after trying to talk to him about it a couple of times.

He has acknowledged that he has feelings of low self-worth and trust issues with women. He saw a therapist briefly years back, said it was very helpful, but that fell apart because he found out his mother was talking to therapist about his problems so he stopped after only two sessions. He was hurt badly by the two most significant women in his life: his first love and his mother. Since then, he has never really dealt with the emotional pain and has suppressed it for more than five years.

I am the first girl he's met since his last serious relationship who he really cares about. He has been smitten with me since day 1. But by the 3rd month, his low self-esteem really started to show, as did his repressed anger, massive insecurities, and high levels of stress with work made him moody and hypercritical. Trivial events would trigger harsh emotional outbursts and I started walking on eggshells.

I have not spoken to him in a week. I am very upset that he has pushed me away. When we last spoke, he admitted that he has not confronted the demons that plague him and I suggested therapy might be helpful because it is evident that he has a "heavy pain body" as Eckhart Tolle would say.

He feels I am too smart & beautiful and fit and together to be with him - his words "when I met you I thought you were out of my league - I want to make sure I keep you happy so that you don't leave me; he feels like he hasn't achieved the level of success financially/careerwise that he should; he feels really insecure about the modest apt he lives in vs. me who lives a nice condo by the beach. I am happy, emotionally well-adjusted, confident, take care of myself and am very presentable, know what I want, don't get rattled easily by others, well-liked, successful (not financially but in other ways - had the courage to become a freelancer, etc). In this past month with him, I can honestly say he feels the opposite. By merely being around him, I think I might trigger his insecurities!! I can't not be myself for heaven's sake!! Needless to say, I think he is amazing, doing really well in his career, etc. But HE doesn't, and that's the difference. I think he feels inadequate and then takes me down a notch to augment his own self-worth. He's made some scathing, cruel comments to me, about me. When I told my close friends, they couldn't believe he was grasping at straws and pinning it on me that the we are so "different". The reality is we're very compatible and smitten with each other and he's coming up with excuses about why we'll never work.

Reading your post has helped me understand what he might be going through in his head but it has not helped me heal my heart. I miss him very much and want the happy, go lucky, confident man back.

Do I just stay away to protect myself and leave him alone to work through his issues? Should I approach him and fight for our relationship, offering to support him through this time? I am so confused and miss him dearly. Deep down, he is a sweet, caring, amazing man and I know that the way he has been behaving recently, isn't really the "real" him.

JessieJen - I would really love to hear your thoughts. I hope you see my post.