How do I move on...

[Steliana]

Hi Everyone,

My first time here.... I need your support... what am I doing wrong...
At the moment... I feel that I don't know where my life is going... I don't see any purpose, any point of living... I want to be so much with the man I love... he says he wants it too... but yet he does not feel ready to make that step.. My logical mind understands that very well.. I would never want to push anyone to do anything that they are not ready for...
But my heart wants this union so much... Something inside me tells me it is the right thing... I believe he is my soul mate... I feel that he is just scared of the unknown, also says he is too old... (age gap is quite big)... he says - only if he was my age he wouldn't hesitate....
He has always been a very kind, very giving person... he always cares about what other people think.. does not want to hurt anyone... puts himself last... ( in his own words - he doesn't count.. he is happy when he makes other people happy)...
When we are together I feel we can do anything.. we can achieve anything.... we can move mountains... and we are alsways so happy... When we have to part it is so difficult.. and we miss eachother terribly.. When we meet again it is like coming home.... feels so good...
He gives me love like no one ever before... He gives me strength... I feel like I am my true self around him.. I feel so free.... so happy... I would give my life for him....
He says the same thing back... that he feels exactly the same... Yet... he is not ready to be with me (move in together) ... Naturally I then ask myself... does he really feel the same like me... If he did... wouldn't he want us to be together... ?
I know what you all might say...> Let him be himself... when he is ready he will... But it is so difficult to watch something from the side... and let it be as the solution is so obvious... (to me)
Reality is - he is much older than me.. time just passes and he is not getting any younger, neither am I ... If it is only 10 years that we could be together on this Earth... I want that... why can't he see this...
I am at a point where I don't know what to do... seems like he will never be ready.... I wish one can just delete "love" with a click of a button... and then move on...

Just a few facts - I have known him for 11 years and we have always been were very good friends. 5 years ago we started coming closer - it happened over a period of time. We have had so many psychic "coincidences" together... We seem to be so tuned with one another... It is unbelievable.. How do I turn my back on all that....

I don't know what to do... I just know I want this so much.... It feels right...
I have never felt like that about anything or anyone else before...
I appreciate any comments from you guys...

Thanks

[ns123]

It sounds like you found a wonderful mate - who doesn't want to be your mate in the same you want him to be.

In many ways, he's your man. You want him to commit to you by moving in (maybe marriage?) but he doesn't want to commit to you in that way. In many ways, he's already committed to you, but not in the way that's important to you (moving in).

So my question to you is, why is moving in together so important to you? Why is not the current commitment enough?

And if it's true that the current situation is not enough, are you willing to wait around being sad and disappointed, until he comes around, if he even does at all?

Maybe you are in this relationship to learn that, even though the love is there, if the action doesn't follow, you should learn to cherish and remember the love, but let him go gently, with love.

[Steliana]

Thanks for your comments ns123…
In answer to your question – why moving in is so important… because I see it as… together we will be better and stronger and do great things… and on our own we struggle…. I don’t know…
I guess I would rather have the current situation than not to know him… I am thankful for what I have… but you know… it is one of those things that you feel – it could be even better… I see it as growing…. Rather than staying in the same spot and be satisfied… I don’t know… might be wrong…
Thanks once again for your post…

[unlimited22]

I was pnce told that if you let go of love and it comes back to you , then it was yours to have.

That interim can be a very painful period but it can well spent when it's spent on bettering ourselves. I love the way Khalil Gibran calls love also for our pruning....to make us worthy of it. Love being the highest emotion and also known as God.

It may be hard, but try to spend some time loving yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Not only does it take pressure off the other person (remember a delay is not a denial) but it also reminds you of what a great person you really are. That other person would be a fool not to accept so much love.

Once you've immersed yourself into your own personal growth and development, that other peson will either show up fully ready to commit or on a side road of life never fully experiencing it but allowing you if you so choose to move on to share it with others of like mind.

Good luck!
___________________

http://www.6dgr.com/unlimited

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Steliana

Hi Everyone,

My first time here.... I need your support... what am I doing wrong...

Hi Steliana,
For one thing your post makes it sound like you're desperate and needy and that your life won't have meaning if this man doesn't commit to you the way you want him to. That's enough pressure to make anyone want to back off - no matter how much they care about you.

It's not the job of either of you to make the other happy and fulfilled. That's something you have to find within yourself. You can enhance each other's lives and contribute meaning and depth, but to expect him to fulfill you and do for you more than you're willing to do for yourself, is unrealistic and a burdensome. I think that if you begin to take more responsibility for your own happiness and self-worth, you may just find him more drawn to you. If you really love him, let him come around if, and when he's ready.

All the best!

[Steliana]

Thanks unlimited22… I liked your comments… and I have heard this before – “you need to let go of love and it will come back to you”… And I agree with it in principle… but indeed it is so hard when you are there…to actually let go…
Yes, maybe I need to love myself more… When you said – “do things you enjoy”… I started thinking… what do I enjoy… and sad as it is… I can’t think of anything right now… but sure there must be something… I guess I enjoy discussing deep, philosophical subjects with like minded people… but why does it seem like there not many other people like that around me…

[Steliana]

Dear ZHereford, yes you are right – at the time when I wrote my first post I was feeling so down and desperate… and I didn’t like it, but that’s how it was…
Thank you for you comments… Reading your post I was thinking… I actually have missed receiving honest, straight talking from people…
Seems like most people around are always careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings… but in the long run it is more damaging..
I agree that it is not the job of either of us to make the other one happy… As I said in my previous reply… > In principle I agree with all the comments.. just putting things into practice … it is so hard… How do you guys do it… Where do you find strength from… You see I find strength from that person… (this sounds selfish)… so… if he is not there… I am afraid… don’t know where to look for strength…
I definitely don’t want to be a needy person… but maybe I am… so how do I change that….

[ZHereford]

Steliana,

You're honesty and willingness to admit where you're at is a great start!

Secondly, it certainly isn't easy to change your mindset when you've thought and behaved in a particular and self-defeating way most of your life. It takes much work and personal effort but it's worth it. You can get some ideas from this article I wrote Develop A Healthy Self-Concept.

Again, it takes effort in the form of reflection, self-analysis and a willingness to change your thinking.

Cheers!