How do I leave? Should I leave? I am confused....:S

[somethingsmissing]

Okay so this is kind of a long story. I met this guy when I was in high school, we have been together for almost 6 years now. We have done a ton of great things together, grown as adults together, and have shared many really fun times. I am recently starting to think that I am not happy anymore with what my relationship is giving me. We have had a few ups and downs and breakups throughout the 6 years, but have always seemed to get back together, for the right reasons? I don't know.

My boyfriend is a fighter, he wants to go pro. And I have always been there to support him 100%. I know he can do it if he sets his mind to is as he is very talented. I can honestly say that I have given him everything I can in helping him succeed. I feel like in doing so I have lost my own life path. I throw all of my energy into helping him with his dreams, that I have lost what it is I want to accomplish. This makes me feel very unhappy. It isn't that we spend too much or too little time together. He trains twice a day, but we also work together. I would say our time together is set out very well.

When it comes to me mentioning things I want to do he always seems to put these doubts in my head. I want to take violin lessons, he says "well then we really wont see each other." The lessons are once a week for 1/2 an hour, so it doesn't make much difference considering he wouldn't even be home while I was at the lessons. I want to go to secondary school, he says "are you sure you can handle that? That is a long time to go to school." And then I start second guessing myself, maybe I can't do it?

We have had a bit of trust issues in the past as I started seeing someone else while we were going through a rough patch. And I am not making excuses for what I did I know it was 100% wrong. He has finally started trusting me again to a point. He never lets me drive the car anywhere, partly because he is always using it. Same with our cell phone, he needs it for while he is travelling to and from training. Do you see where I am coming from? Everythinig we "have" together he really has...because I let him use it. I know he needs it for training and I know that is very important to him. I am living my life for someone else rather than for myself.

It is not that I don't feel appreciated...sort of. Like he says he appreciates what I do for him. but am I strong enough to keep doing this for him for the years to come? I don't think I am. I say this because we fought a few days ago and he said are you sure you are stong enough to support me as a fighter? And I honestly thought I was doing everything in my power to do so....but he doesn't think so. I can only do and give so much to him. And I think I am at that point where I can't do it anymore.

I am a very loving person and enjoy helping others. but perhaps that isn't always the best trait to have...

"Everything that you need to know lies in the eyes. If you can look into someones eyes and see yourself, you have just met the perosn that will forever affect your life..."

I believe in soulmates, and I can say I don't think he is mine...and that breaks my heart, because I thought at one time it may have been true.

Thank you for "listening".

[somethingsmissing]

Nobody seems to be answering me? I need help with this. I am very confused. Did I not ask an appropriate question? Maybe my story was too long?

[Jim11]

Since you haven't gotten any responses yet I will attempt to come up with one for you.

First of all, you can support him in what he's doing while you do your things. He also has to support YOU!

Do not listen to what he says that causes self doubt. If you want to take violin and go back to school then do it, and do it now. If he not supportive of your choices then of course you're not going to be able to hang in there and support him for the long run.

It really sounds to me like you just need go do your thing for awhile. Keep supporting him, but make it clear to him that you also have goals. If he can't appreciate that then perhaps it's not going to work.

Your situation is somewhat unique. If you would like someone to discuss it in more detail please feel free to PM me. I trust you will get several more responses to your thread from the good people on this board.

[somethingsmissing]

thank you Jim...I appreciate your response. I will be sure to PM you if I feel the need. Right now I am jt trying to figure out i I even want him in my lie anymore. I am really tired and the stress is getting to me. I want to do my own thing for sure. I just hope I make the right choices. I have been misguided in the past and really don't want to go down that road again. I am just utterly not happy right now. I tend to change that though by doing things for me...thanks again

[DeRocky]

Hey there!

I wanted to let you know that I read your situation and empathized with it, but I didn't feel inclined to respond to it because you seem fairly clear about the problems and there's very little anyone here could probably say to help you that you don't already know.

That may be why others haven't chimed in very much.

As with every relationship issue there is really only one potential 'magic bullet' -- he has to understand fully how you feel (and you have to understand how he feels) and meet it with love and caring.

But from the sound of your story, communication of this kind has already deterioriated to some degree. And for that reason, it looks bleak. Just guessing from your story if you sat him down and tried to tell him these things he'd have little room to hear them (and I'm not pointing fingers, I'm just rendering the situation as I heard it from you).

The only suggestion I would have is to try to communicate these things to him -- even if you have to make desperate attempts to do so. After all, if he accepts them and listens -- you both have a shot at rebuilding the relationship. And if he shuts you down and rejects communication --- that's valuable too in the long run (but very scary) because it tells you that geniune caring (love) isn't present anymore.

Finally, you may consider couple's therapy?

[somethingsmissing]

Thanks DeRocky...I guess I am just pretty darn scared so I wanted others to help me out lol. I know that is the cowards way out but what can I say? Being with someone for almost 6 years, and then realizing you don't want to be with them anymore because you are leading different paths....well it pretty much sucks the big one. I really appreciate both of your responses. And I take all of your suggestions to heart. I made my decision last night as I was talking with my sister. She told me she really didn't like seeing me that weak...that I need to find myself again and live MY life...not someone elses. Okay thanks again...

[robc]

Originally Posted by Jim11

Since you haven't gotten any responses yet I will attempt to come up with one for you.

First of all, you can support him in what he's doing while you do your things. He also has to support YOU!

Do not listen to what he says that causes self doubt. If you want to take violin and go back to school then do it, and do it now. If he not supportive of your choices then of course you're not going to be able to hang in there and support him for the long run.

It really sounds to me like you just need go do your thing for awhile. Keep supporting him, but make it clear to him that you also have goals. If he can't appreciate that then perhaps it's not going to work.

Your situation is somewhat unique. If you would like someone to discuss it in more detail please feel free to PM me. I trust you will get several more responses to your thread from the good people on this board.

I'm going to go all over the place in this response but I'll try to keep it short as possible.

This website is great, tons of great material for personal development.

Keyword is personal.

BTW - Jim mentioned your situation is unique, it really isn't, it happens more often than people care to admit.

You almost seem to be asking permission to do stuff like go back to school, take violin lessons, have a cell phone, etc.

Why?

Why do you need permission?

Are you an adult? If so act like one.

You want a cell phone, your own cell phone, get it.
If you pay for the other one and it's under your name, ask for it back and have him get his own cell phone - he's an adult too from what I gather, let him act like one and he can start by assuming responsibility. If you need a cellphone and want to have one, you should have one - it's 2008, I've seen little kids with cellphones, you're an adult, you can have one too if you want. If you partner doesn't want you to have a cellphone, it's possible that he wants to control who you talk to - that's controlling, end it by not allowing him the privilege of controlling you.

You sound like you're there only for his existence and his needs. I'm sure that can feel good but it will leave you empty, your needs aren't being fulfilled and in the process of doing everything for someone else you will feel this lack in your life, something is missing, it will start small and then eventually turn into something big & ugly - you will resent your partner for holding back your life and not doing the same for you for the things that you do for him.

You see your partner (although he may be doing quite a few things that are wrong) is taking care of his needs. He is goal oriented, training for an end result, to be successful at what he does - so this process right now keeps him self-centered, somewhat selfish, and he doesn't focus on your needs. You keep doing more for him, hoping that he will notice but he won't, not because he is a bad person but because he puts his needs above yours, he is taking care of himself.

It's a lesson you could learn, start taking care of yourself.

In fact, if you start taking care of yourself more and pulling back away from taking care of all his needs all the time, you may find that his interest in you will increase and he will want to spend more time with you and do more things for you and with you. Right now he has no need to do any of this, you're currently doing it all - why should he put any effort into it?

You don't need anyone's permission but your own to take violin lessons, to have a cellphone, to go back to school, and to have a life and do things that don't always involve him.

Yes he's your partner, you love him, you hope he loves you. There are trust issues, I read that part.

You started seeing someone else during a rough patch or when the two of you weren't together anymore. Start forgiving yourself, or better yet, don't forgive yourself - if you did nothing wrong. Unless you cheated on him during the relationship and you weren't split up at the time or separated - if you did, fine, you know you did it, you apologized to him - now it's time to truly forgive yourself and allow the past to remain in the past and focus only on the present, doing so will give you alot more energy to take care of your life now and you won't waste it thinking about what you did in the past - it's a hard lesson for alot of people to learn but it's definitely something to strive for.

Just remember, the quickest way to end the trust issue is consistent action but you won't solve it by being afraid and submitting to his will - that is just a constant reminder that you did something wrong and you're playing it out in your head everyday and infront of him as well - always feeling like you did something bad that you have to overcompensate with the things you do today.

You are a good person, you deserve good things. That means a loving relationship where the trust is shown both ways, from him to you and from you to him. If there is no trust, things won't get better, they will get worse.

Start living your life, take your violin lessons, go back to school, get a cell phone, hang out with your friends. Regardless of how busy his training schedule is, if he loves you enough and wants to, he will squeeze in some time to show you. If he doesn't you can love him as is and enjoy whatever time you spend together or you can call it quits because the relationship isn't fulfilling enough.

Remember, your life is your life, not his. You control it, not him. Start showing that you're an individual with individual needs by taking care of yourself.

Jim wrote above that "he has to support you" and I don't agree with that. That's controlling & manipulative, no one has to do anything, he doesn't have to do anything for you and you have to realize you don't have to do anything for him. If you do things for him so that he will love you, trust you more and be with you, you need to realize that is controlling & manipulative: you're doing something to get something back from him. If a man dates a woman and takes her out for a nice dinner and gets mad at her because he expected sex from her at the end of the evening because he bought her dinner, that is controlling & manipulative. Doing something for someone and expecting something back is controlling & manipulative, no matter what you are doing. If you love someone and expect them to love you back a certain way, that's controlling. Once you realize this, it can be quite a revelation and once you start to realize that you can release the need to control other people and focus on controlling your own actions & thoughts you can really find alot of energy to pursue the things you really want to do in life because you're focusing only on you. That's not selfish either - it's honest and no one else will take care of you better than you.

Don't just hang out in the forums here, go throughout the site, check out the articles, check out the audio section - it's fantastic and extremely helpful.

Good Luck, I know you can do it!!!

[Jim11]

Originally Posted by robc

Jim wrote above that "he has to support you" and I don't agree with that. That's controlling & manipulative, no one has to do anything, he doesn't have to do anything for you and you have to realize you don't have to do anything for him. If you do things for him so that he will love you, trust you more and be with you, you need to realize that is controlling & manipulative: you're doing something to get something back from him.

I don't necessarily think expecting a partner to support you is controlling and manipulative; perhaps it's just the wording. Not that they need to give give you anything or do anything... silent support would do fine. But if someone is shooting down your ideas and goals all the time it can be a problem

To me you've portrayed the guy as very self-centered and perhaps he is just used to his life being the central theme. Maybe he'll wake up and realize you're becoming more independent and adapt to it, maybe he won't.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by somethingsmissing

When it comes to me mentioning things I want to do he always seems to put these doubts in my head. I want to take violin lessons, he says "well then we really wont see each other."

It seems you're giving your power away to him here. If you need him to agree with your choices it's going to be difficult to make choices.

Imagine you tell him you want to take violin lessons, and he says clearly that he doesn't like it. Would you do it ?
If you have full control of your choices, you could be able to tell him in a calm way that you're going to do it anyway, and that if he doesn't like it, you can speak about it but that you're clear you want to do it (well if that's your choice).

Sometimes, people disagree first, and when they see it happens well, they change their mind. Allow your partner to have his own reaction, but don't change because of this reaction. This applies to any relationship I think.

"Everything that you need to know lies in the eyes. If you can look into someones eyes and see yourself, you have just met the perosn that will forever affect your life..."

I believe in soulmates, and I can say I don't think he is mine...and that breaks my heart, because I thought at one time it may have been true.

This seems pretty clear. I know it's very difficult to break up a relationship, so I don't want to tell you I know how to do. If you want to break up, there is absolutely nothing wrong in doing it. I wish you all the best and give you my support in whatever choice you make.

[robc]

Originally Posted by Jim11

I don't necessarily think expecting a partner to support you is controlling and manipulative; perhaps it's just the wording. Not that they need to give give you anything or do anything... silent support would do fine. But if someone is shooting down your ideas and goals all the time it can be a problem

To me you've portrayed the guy as very self-centered and perhaps he is just used to his life being the central theme. Maybe he'll wake up and realize you're becoming more independent and adapt to it, maybe he won't.

Maybe it is just the wording but that's pretty much all I had to go with.

No one has to do anything, the energy & love in any relationship has to be given freely, if you have to force it out of someone by doing something for them, that is controlling & manipulative.

He doesn't trust her, that much is very apparent, based on things that happened in the past when they briefly separated and she started seeing someone else. He can't get let go of the past and neither can she, from reading her posts I can almost sense that she doesn't trust herself, that's why she feels the need to be there for him in everything he does and that it's ok if he doesn't do the same for her.

The guy is very self-centered, if you want to do something to wake him up, start living your own life and don't be there just to support his life. When he notices that all the love & support you used to give him isn't there as much, he will notice it - I guarantee it. He will either step up & wake up and notice that the relationship he has with you is important and if it is important to him, he will do the things to show you that. If it isn't important to him, he'll continue doing things the way he currently does and that will pretty much verify his feeling & love for you.

If you love him very much, accept him as he is. This may mean you feel something missing all the time when you're with him. To some people, they can tolerate this feeling and live accordingly, other people need alot more and will make the necessary decisions to live their life to get what it is they need.

Live your life actively, think deliberately, act accordingly and remember it's your life, choose how you want to live it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by somethingsmissing

...am I strong enough to keep doing this for him for the years to come?

Hey, something. Try on another question: Are you WEAK enough to keep doing this for the years to come? How long are you going to be a wimpy pussball and subjugate your life to this guy's?

Are you strong enough to put your own well-being first, and be in love with your own life? When will you be willing to support YOURSELF as a fighter?

[somethingsmissing]

that was pretty intense...everybodies answers. Thank you all very much...especially the person who called me a....pussball?? wtf is that lol. But seriously, I have already thought about what I am going to say to him tonight. It is over. I am not feeling happy, and that is unfair to him as well. I can't keep faking that everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I am going to take everything we have shared and learnt together as a couple, and use those things to better myself as a person. I only hope he does the same.

I thank everyone for giving me their support. If you want I can let you know how everything goes. Thanks again

[robc]

Originally Posted by somethingsmissing

that was pretty intense...everybodies answers. Thank you all very much...especially the person who called me a....pussball?? wtf is that lol. But seriously, I have already thought about what I am going to say to him tonight. It is over. I am not feeling happy, and that is unfair to him as well. I can't keep faking that everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I am going to take everything we have shared and learnt together as a couple, and use those things to better myself as a person. I only hope he does the same.

I thank everyone for giving me their support. If you want I can let you know how everything goes. Thanks again

- You might be surprised he may be thinking the same thing.

Or he may have been thinking how he has been treating you is not right and maybe he will agree with you.

But one thing for sure, you need time for yourself to be an individual. There is nothing wrong with being a couple, heck being in a relationship is one of the greatest things (and possibly the worst, depending on who you speak to) that can happen to a person.

You can be an individual and still be part of a relationship. In fact, it's those people that can do both that have the best relationships because they know how to take care of themselves and in doing so, they don't base their personal happiness on the relationship and what other people can do for them and that allows them to focus on the merits of the relationship instead of focusing on what's wrong with it.

One last thing to think about... every brilliant solution is disguised as an unsolvable problem.

[somethingsmissing]

Hey Robc. Thank you for wanting to hear about the outcome. Surprisingly it went well. I don't know if he was maybe hiding his true feelings...because I thought he woudl be alot more upset...but you were right rob...he agreed with me. He said he was surprised I put up with is crap for this long...ie: him always being gone. I said I still want to be friends, he agreed. He said he thinks that's what kinda happened to us anyways...we started to become just friends. I feel really good about my decision and I am glad he knows how I feel. He said he knows what I mean and where I am coming from and that he is sorry for pushing me away like that...I think deep down we both know we aren't really meant to be together. He was happy with my honestly and thanked me for being there for him all this time. I really don't think I could have done this without your input and knowledge...so I want to thank you very much. I look forward to getting back to school and living my life for ME!!!!

Sincerely:

somethingsmissing....aka time to start over

[robc]

Originally Posted by somethingsmissing

Hey Robc. Thank you for wanting to hear about the outcome. Surprisingly it went well. I don't know if he was maybe hiding his true feelings...because I thought he woudl be alot more upset...but you were right rob...he agreed with me. He said he was surprised I put up with is crap for this long...ie: him always being gone. I said I still want to be friends, he agreed. He said he thinks that's what kinda happened to us anyways...we started to become just friends. I feel really good about my decision and I am glad he knows how I feel. He said he knows what I mean and where I am coming from and that he is sorry for pushing me away like that...I think deep down we both know we aren't really meant to be together. He was happy with my honestly and thanked me for being there for him all this time. I really don't think I could have done this without your input and knowledge...so I want to thank you very much. I look forward to getting back to school and living my life for ME!!!!

Sincerely:

somethingsmissing....aka time to start over

The important thing to never lose sight of is that you are the most important person in your life, take care of yourself, respect yourself, think highly of yourself and above all, love yourself. If (I should say, You WILL) you can do those things, I guarantee you the people that come into your life will reflect the same positive values and not because you want them to but because they just do.

I kind of had a feeling your ex would have agreed with alot of things you said and the feelings that you've had for quite some time. It could also be that he was looking for a way out also and didn't know how to do that without hurting you so he just started pushing you away or trying to control you to get you to resist him, it's really hard to say what was going on his mind during the relationship & now.

The important thing is, you were honest with him and more importantly with yourself. One last piece of advice for this great new life or yours... Always ask for the best in life, because you never get more than what you ask for.

I wish you all the best and I'm sure the rest of the people following this thread probably echo those sentiments also.

Thank you for sharing - keep sticking around the site, check out all the audios and blogs on all the personal development info here on this site, it really does help alot, Steve Pavlina has this stuff down to a science, it really is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

[Jim11]

It's nice when a relationship that both people wanted out of finally comes to a close. It can be difficult to do. I applaud your courage in moving on.