Problem with a friend of mine.

[sebzzz]

Hi,

Like I said in my introduction, I once was really in my world talking to nobody and just studying in computers. That time has changed and I'm very proud about that now that I study in advertising.

I have a friend of mine that lives 5 minutes from my house and who is in the same advertising program in the same class. He knows me from the time that I was a "nerd".

I mainly have to problems with him that relate a bit. Here they are:

- I find him very slow to get things done. For example, when I come in the morning to pick him up he is rarely ready and it shocks me to arrive late because of him. He is also very slow when we work on a project and always fills time where we are supposed to work on that project with other things so when we actually work on it we don't have plenty of time left. Also, when he finally works on something he takes like a minute to chose each word for example if we have to write a text or something. So, this problem is related to the fact that he procrastinate a lot and he somewhat get me in that, but I don't have time for that, I have so much other goals that a want to get done.

- I suspect a kind of jealousy in him towards me. For example, he always try to get my problems (or what he sees as problems) out, like telling me that I never was really popular with girls and still ain't. He also cuts me very often when I tell a story to a group of people to finish to story himself. When I'm with a group of people and he's there, he always tell some things on the side to remind me and others my weaknesses. My others friends often follow in a humorous way because they like to make fun of things, but from him I sense a kind of jealousy and some real assaults.

Now, my question is, how could I work around this and show him I'm the boss of my life and I'm going toward my goals with him or not, that he should stop that and we could collaborate instead and that I'm not a threat to him even if I'm successful with what I do.

It wouldn't be good for both of us not to be friends anymore because it's very practical to work together for schools projects since he lives not very far from my home and he is in fact his able to produce great work when he gets at it. He also has a great family and I have a lot of interesting discussions with is older brother and his father. He is also the friend of all my others great friends so it would be awkward to cut the links.

Thanks in advance for the help!

[Adrienne]

Sebastien
Do you subscribe to subjective reality or intention manifestation? If so you can use those to try and alter the current relationship you have with your friend. If you have never tried these before, alot of people here can help.
Have you tried talking to him about it? Clear the air, maybe he has some other unresolved issue with you.

Also just because someone is convenient does not necessary mean they are your friend. You said you like that he lives close and you have the same class, so it is easy to work on projects with him. That does not sound like a good foundation for a friendship. Friends of convenience aren't really friends.

[JJP]

Now, my question is, how could I work around this and show him I'm the boss of my life and I'm going toward my goals with him or not, that he should stop that and we could collaborate instead and that I'm not a threat to him even if I'm successful with what I do.

sebzzz, look at what you wrote: the word "should." Your friend shouldn't have to do anything, because you don't control him. On the other hand, you are the one choosing to put up with his behaviors, so you have to look within to solve this problem/situation.

So what is it really that has brought you to this point, where you have to deal with this? Are you afraid that you can't accomplish your assignments without him? Are you scared that you wouldn't be able to find a better partner for school projects? Are you afraid of telling him what bothers you about him because he might not like you anymore?

What is it really? Look within, figure out why you are choosing this situation, and learn your lesson.

[sebzzz]

Are you afraid that you can't accomplish your assignments without him? Are you scared that you wouldn't be able to find a better partner for school projects? Are you afraid of telling him what bothers you about him because he might not like you anymore?

This is probably true. But how can I surpass those fears? The problem is that this relation is good in certain areas and bad in others, but I think in the end that the good about this relationship surpass the bad, so I think I shouldn't cut the relationship, but I still want the bad points to change.

[ahimel]

I think this is a sit-down-and-think moment.

What do you want? What would be nice, but you're willing to live without? What things are so terrible that even keeping this friendship isn't worth it?

When I was in high school, I met a girl freshman year who was smart, creative, and a straight-A student -- everything I wanted to be, dreamed that I was, but was afraid that I wasn't. We have similar build and hair color, so people often asked if we were sisters. By senior year we were so close that we answered, "yes."

I found myself getting frustrated with her a few months ago. She was so.. set in her ways, so small. In a moment of shock, I realised that she hadn't gotten smaller. I'd grown.

So I found myself in the same boat. Things that I never noticed before -- or things that I'd enjoyed or admired -- now irritated me. I sat clenching my teeth rather than pointing out her stupidity. And yet, losing this friendship would be as bad as losing a blood-related sibling.

So I sat down and did some soul-searching, and determined my limits. I want to be her friend. I want to help her as much as possible. But I want to continue my growth -- and I will sacrifice the other two if (and only if) that's the only way to continue growing.

It turns out it's not. Our disagreements are mostly in politics (She thinks Bush is always right, I think it's our patriotic duty to make fun of anyone in office) and socializing (she thinks that people are lazy, stupid, greedy and manipulative. I choose not to live in that world). So we don't talk about it. I still disagree with her if the subject comes up, but I choose not to argue it -- the friendship is more important. And I make sure that no matter what, I still show that I love her.

So what are your limits? Do you want to work with him on projects, or do you want to get them in on time? Do you want to ride with him to school/work, or do you want to arrive when you choose? Either answer is OK, but you have to deliberatly choose. And if you say, "I like to have plenty of time to finish a project, but it's worth it to me to grind my teeth over tardiness in order to work with him" then you don't get to complain about it anymore.

If you decide that getting places on time is more important, than tell him that, and give him the option. Say, "I really enjoy the extra time I get to spend with you when we ride together, but it's a problem for me that we can't get going as soon as I get here. I don't want to interfere with your schedule, so I wanted to let you know and give you a choice. Do you think that when we schedule to go some place, we can pick a time that you'll definitly be ready by? Or would that be a huge problem and you'd rather just meet there?"

That's the practical side. The emotional side is harder, because it's likely that neither of you really has a fully clear picture of what he's feeling. I'm going to make a guess, based on what I'd be feeling, but I can't say for your friend.

• He's jealous Be honest. Wouldn't you be? It's perfectly natural, even among friends. Even when you think it's GREAT that your friend did so well, and you're thrilled, and you'd support him all the way -- there's still that little voice back there saying, "Why not me?"
• He's frustrated It's entirely possible that he sees you doing well, and wants to do that well also. Procrastination is a hard habit to break, even if you do know how to go about it. He's trying to get better, trying to be the kind of person you'd want to spend time with again, but he can't seem to manage it.
• He's hurt He's jealous of you, and he's frustrated that he can't do that well, and your response is to get mad at him. Granted that you have good reasons, but that's got to hurt him.
• He's scared There's all kinds of things in this situation to bring up fear. He's afraid that he's losing your friendship. He's afraid that he's losing a good partner for projects. He's afraid that he'll never be able to be that good. He's afraid that you don't like him anymore. He's afraid that you SHOULDN'T like him anymore. And the fear causes him to retreat to tried-and-true paths -- like procrastination.

What to do about all that is for you to decide. But if you really do want to keep this friendship, and you're not just hanging on to it for convenience and old times' sake, then you have to let him know that. Say, "I know I've probably been short with you sometimes lately, and I'm sorry if that hurts you. It's very frustrating to me when (late/won't get started/doesn't meet commitment). That's why I wanted to talk to you about it. I want to find a way that we can meet both of our needs on this, and still be friends. Maybe that means we shouldn't work together on projects, or maybe we just need to revisit what jobs each of us is doing. What do you think?" Emphasize that you want very much to be friends with him, and you're willing to negotiate or discuss priorities, or help him in whatever way necessary to stay friends. And if he says, "Actually, I was wondering if you could help me stop procrastinating.." then you've kept a friend, gotten a better partner, and helped someone out, all in one conversation!

[Ati]

What a nice thread here! Great plunge into honesty and wisdom, all combined.

Ati

[Milo Riano]

Originally Posted by JJP

sebzzz, look at what you wrote: the word "should." Your friend shouldn't have to do anything, because you don't control him. On the other hand, you are the one choosing to put up with his behaviors, so you have to look within to solve this problem/situation.

So what is it really that has brought you to this point, where you have to deal with this? Are you afraid that you can't accomplish your assignments without him? Are you scared that you wouldn't be able to find a better partner for school projects? Are you afraid of telling him what bothers you about him because he might not like you anymore?

What is it really? Look within, figure out why you are choosing this situation, and learn your lesson.

I like sebzzz's attitude. This tells a great deal about your leadership traits. Think about the value of stewardship. Be patient and try to teach and help him become a better person. Being a role model is the first and simplest thing you can do without offending the person.

The sink or swim attitude is a thing of the past.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by sebzzz

This is probably true. But how can I surpass those fears? The problem is that this relation is good in certain areas and bad in others, but I think in the end that the good about this relationship surpass the bad, so I think I shouldn't cut the relationship, but I still want the bad points to change.

Hey Sebzzz

For things to change, I must change first.

List down all the bad points that you don't like about this friend. Are you indirectly doing that as well? It may not be you being late, but it could be another habit of yours that he is not comfortable with and he is "making up" for it by behaving in another manner.

As you have admitted that the plus points supercede the negative ones in this friendship. This only means you have chosen to keep this friendship, which gives rise to many other choices you have to make that are subsets of this big circle called friendship.

I think this is really a good opportunity for you to discover more about yourself while at the same time knowing your friend better too. Human relationships are base on interactions and connection. It is never a one-way street. How are you two relating to each other?

All the best to you on your self-discovery voyage! You will learn some things about yourself that maybe you haven't realised before!