Socializing Without Alcohol-uncomfortable?

[pharmboy]

I recently stopped drinking alcohol, and have become the only one at most social gatherings who is not drinking. I feel good about my decision to stop, but I have noticed that a non-drinker in a group of drinkers seems to make others uncomfortable. They want to buy you a drink, to show companionship, and seem to find it odd that you can even have a good time without alcohol.

One thing that I have noticed is that alcohol can help people stay in a boring environment longer. When I used to drink, I noticed that any place that alcohol was, became a social event. Now, loud clubs where nobody can talk, or bars where the only activity is to consume cocktail after cocktail have become intolerable for me. The conversations really deteriorate with people that I am around after about four drinks. I am not judging them, or have a problem with drinkers. After all, I was one for many years.

Any other non-drinkers feel the same way? Any drinkers have opinions about the non-drinkers in your social group?

[MyEyeIsOpen]

You're growing up!

You've just noticed that your drinking buddies are mostly boring, and perhaps shallow. People who move on generally find new friends who are the same wavelength as you are.

[pharmboy]

It's not just around old drinking buddies. Ninety percent of the population drinks alcohol ensuring that I will be the odd man out at most occasions. This includes family gatherings where most everybody celebrates with a cocktail. I'm not real worried about it. I guess, anytime you take the road less traveled, you will get surprised looks. Just don't like feeling like the wet blanket. I have noticed a few non-drinkers at company happy hours become almost become apologetic for not downing a few with the gang. Anyone completely comfortable in sports bars or happy hours without drinking?

[TonyToneTone]

1.

Now, loud clubs where nobody can talk, or bars where the only activity is to consume cocktail after cocktail have become intolerable for me.

I think you have your mindset wrong regarding bars and clubs. I don't drink either when I go to a bar or club but I still have an amazing time regardless. You can easily talk in a bar or club, alcohol has nothing to do with it.

2. If you don't want to make others uncomfortable do this. Get a glass of water with ice, maybe a slice of lime on the side. Anyone who sees you with that will think you have a drink in your hand.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Good advice Tony. If you feel odd, then do what Tony said. Honestly, you are the only one who really cares about or noticed it, the problem is in your mind! Good job quitting, btw!

[sheffy4]

I did a 30 day trial of not drinking last month so I have recent experience with this also. I kept going out to clubs with my friends every week (sometimes more than once a week), and it was fun because I love to dance, and it was really nice knowing I could get home safe (and drive others as well) and feel great in the morning. Still, after a couple weeks I did get bored, simply because the club scene in my town is pretty much the same all the time. It's alright in small doses.
I found myself thinking of other fun things to do with my friends, and they seemed excited to have something new to do besides get drunk and go clubbing. We went bowling, to the arcade (I love air-hockey!), hung out and talked in coffee shops, played cards, and even just went on night walks around town sometimes.
During the trial I felt cleansed and I reminded myself how fun things could be without alcohol (usually more fun actually).
And the other posters are right: usually no one really cares that much if you don't drink, and if they make a big deal out of it, then they probably just feel weird drinking alone. Maybe they have a problem. Make a joke out of it if you want.
TonyToneTone's idea about keeping your hands busy with a non-alcoholic drink is a good one. You won't feel quite as "left out" and people won't be as tempted to buy you a drink.

[seeker5]

Why don't you order an orange juice or something like that so you can sip on it as if it was a cocktail? Just because you don't drink alcohol doesn't mean you can't drink something healthy.

[VelociRaptor]

This is one of the things I am thinking I should look at doing, easing back on the alcohol.

I am your typical binge drinker, only on a Friday or Saturday night, and only when something is on (work function, major sporting event etc)

I want to be able to go out and have a blast, but without the need to drink alcohol. You get to a stage where wiping out all the next day just seems like such a waste. There is also the large cost involved, it's so easy to go through $150 (Aussie money) in a night. Also I am sure the health affects aren't too good either.

I guess my biggest issue is, I am worried I won't have as good a time if I don't drink. I am also not the most confident person when it comes to approaching people (be it male or females) that I don't know when I have had a couple of drinks. I know this is a pretty poor way to think, but it seems to be one of those things that society drums into you from so early on.

I guess the best thing to do is just give it a go and see where it leads?

[TonyToneTone]

VelociRaptor,

I'm assuming you're a guy from your post. If not, correct me.

Try this out. Let's say the last time you went out you had 6 drinks and got some phone numbers from women or more. The next time have 5 drinks and see how you do. The next time after have 4 drinks. The next time 3 until you get to one or two or whatever is good for you. You'll start to realize that it's not the alcohol that makes the night fun, it is YOU!

[Call me Boges]

Working in the club scene I have noticed that drunk people are the biggest retards on the planet. Its only natural to feel out of place when you are in a sober state and everyone else is annihilated and acting like a fool.

[VelociRaptor]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

got some phone numbers from women

Yeah I also need to work on this Only becoming single earlier this year for the first time in 11 years has left me with a bit of learning to do.

But like the idea of drinking less and less each time to see that it is me that is having a good time and not the booze.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by Call me Boges

Working in the club scene I have noticed that drunk people are the biggest retards on the planet. Its only natural to feel out of place when you are in a sober state and everyone else is annihilated and acting like a fool.

Bingo to this too. I realized a lot of people I knew looked like complete fools once they were intoxicated.

Yeah I also need to work on this Only becoming single earlier this year for the first time in 11 years has left me with a bit of learning to do.

But like the idea of drinking less and less each time to see that it is me that is having a good time and not the booze.

Just give yourself time to get good at giving numbers. Really be patient with yourself. It's a skill like any other and it just takes some practice. If you need advice on it, let me know.

Glad you like the idea!

[VelociRaptor]

I am about to embark on a round the world trip then setup shop in the UK (Scotland) for an undetermined period of time.

Looking to get myself out of my comfort zone, see the world and experience different cultures and ways off life. A lot of us in Australia and more so West Australia (apparently the most isolated city in the world) don't really understand concepts of being land locked or driving between countries etc. We are spoilt with our great weather and lovely beaches though...

[TonyToneTone]

You lucky lucky dog! Sounds amazing.

Every Aussie I have ever met loves to travel. It is like you all have this natural flair for life.

[VelociRaptor]

I think it is as I said, we are quite isolated from the rest of the world, so when we do get to travel, we jump right in and experience every aspect of what travel is all about.

I am lucky to have a Scottish dad, so I now have a UK passport, also have family there, so cheap accommodation as well as having some people (cousins) closer to my age to show me around.

Looking forward to it big time. When a marriage breaks down after quite a long time, I think you need to try and take all the positives out of it. So being given the chance to travel un-hindered (no kids or wife to worry about. And no we didn't have any kids) was to give me something to look forward to.

[pharmboy]

Originally Posted by Call me Boges

Working in the club scene I have noticed that drunk people are the biggest retards on the planet. Its only natural to feel out of place when you are in a sober state and everyone else is annihilated and acting like a fool.

Definitely have noticed that, too. Though they are having the best time that they will never remember, at least not clearly. It'll be interesting to see what impact this has on my social life. I'm pretty much all alone on the non-drinking thing. My wife, adult family and friends, all feel that alcohol is a necessary part of most social gatherings.

[pharmboy]

How to Quit Drinking Alcohol

Googled this topic and this article came up. Another interesting article on this site is "Not caring what other people think" and " Social Sky Diving".

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by VelociRaptor

I think it is as I said, we are quite isolated from the rest of the world, so when we do get to travel, we jump right in and experience every aspect of what travel is all about.

I am lucky to have a Scottish dad, so I now have a UK passport, also have family there, so cheap accommodation as well as having some people (cousins) closer to my age to show me around.

Looking forward to it big time. When a marriage breaks down after quite a long time, I think you need to try and take all the positives out of it. So being given the chance to travel un-hindered (no kids or wife to worry about. And no we didn't have any kids) was to give me something to look forward to.

Props to you for doing something positive after your marriage. I think it is going to be a life changing event. Have fun and start a thread on it once you get back!

[funchy]

I think you need a new circle of friends. Some people never learn how to have a good time sober. Youll never be able to change them. The best thing to do is move on and find new friends. Of course they want you drinking because you being sober reminds them how dumb they're acting when they're this drunk. If everyone is drunk, then nobody notices.

You've evolved. You realize now that being drunk doesn't make you funnier or nicer. It make take some of those friends years (or never) to come to that conclusion. But it's actually more fun to be sober! You can remember everything the next day. You don't make an arse out of yourself in front of the boss at an office party. And you never need a designated driver.

Here are some ideas to help you find new social circles:

Get involved in hobbies and then look for a group in your area. It can be a hobby as simple as having a car you love. There are firebird clubs, honda clubs, you name it.

Join a service organization, local club, etc.

Go to a meetup for something. Check out Meetup.com

Take a night class at the local community college in something you enjoy. A great way to meet people.

Go do something another or with others thats just plain productive. What have you always wanted to do?

[VelociRaptor]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

Have fun and start a thread on it once you get back!

Hey that is if I come back

Will keep you guys updated while I am away and am also in the process of creating a blog for my travels.

[Eisho]

Originally Posted by pharmboy

Any other non-drinkers feel the same way? Any drinkers have opinions about the non-drinkers in your social group?

I drink socially and enjoy it. If someone doesn't want to drink that's okay, really it's no problem because I don't drink enough to get drunk so the difference between us isn't that marked. I just drink because it's a different way to relax and enjoy myself.

Cheers,

Eisho

[VelociRaptor]

Originally Posted by pharmboy

Any drinkers have opinions about the non-drinkers in your social group?

I myself don't care if people want to drink or not. The fact they are there out and about is the important part I believe. I actually think good for them if they can come out and have a blast and not rely on alcohol.

[sixx1984]

Originally Posted by VelociRaptor

I am about to embark on a round the world trip then setup shop in the UK (Scotland) for an undetermined period of time.

Looking to get myself out of my comfort zone, see the world and experience different cultures and ways off life. A lot of us in Australia and more so West Australia (apparently the most isolated city in the world) don't really understand concepts of being land locked or driving between countries etc. We are spoilt with our great weather and lovely beaches though...

Thats amazing - good on you for challenging yourself. Where abouts in Scotland are you thinking of settling? You will love it here - Scotland is an amazing place (but then I am biased being Scottish and all!).

Scotland does have a drinking problem in general. Lots of little pubs tucked away everywhere! I found that I needed alcohol to have confidence but I've always been a happy drunk. But I completely agree with Call me Boges, a lot of drunk people are complete idiots and not fun to be around.

I decided to cut back on my drinking and see how things went. To be honest, I've not succeeded very well. I seem to have developed a slight phobia of being social. I love being with my friends, but when I'm with new people I seriously panic. I find I am needing to resort to alcohol to calm me down and get some confidence. I still like drinking - the odd cider or jack on occasion, but I don't want to feel like I need it to be a certain person. I hate the sudden overwhelming fear I get when I'm with new people. It's like a mini-panic attack. I feel like I want to cry and I feel almost paralysed. It's happening more and more now, but goes away after a few drinks. Any ideas how I can control my fear so I don't need to drink?

[garentee]

I have been noticing lately that alcohol has a deleterious effect on my positive attitude.. I have a hard enough time remaining positive to the extent that I want to.. a desire which grows daily. I have in the past quit drinking for long periods of time and it has always served me well. The problem I have is that I am a person that is in love with flavor..thus I like good wines and beer and fine spirits. I think its just a matter of finding what works for you. I had a couple of beers last night with a friend and I was fine... Its always a beneficial act to reduce or eliminate alcohol. Its your life. live it the way that you want to.l

[pharmboy]

Originally Posted by funchy

I think you need a new circle of friends. Some people never learn how to have a good time sober. Youll never be able to change them. The best thing to do is move on and find new friends. Of course they want you drinking because you being sober reminds them how dumb they're acting when they're this drunk. If everyone is drunk, then nobody notices.

You've evolved. You realize now that being drunk doesn't make you funnier or nicer. It make take some of those friends years (or never) to come to that conclusion. But it's actually more fun to be sober! You can remember everything the next day. You don't make an arse out of yourself in front of the boss at an office party. And you never need a designated driver.

Here are some ideas to help you find new social circles:

Get involved in hobbies and then look for a group in your area. It can be a hobby as simple as having a car you love. There are firebird clubs, honda clubs, you name it.

Join a service organization, local club, etc.

Go to a meetup for something. Check out Meetup.com

Take a night class at the local community college in something you enjoy. A great way to meet people.

Go do something another or with others thats just plain productive. What have you always wanted to do?

Sounds like solid advice. Also thanks to those weighing their opinions on their feelings having a non-drinker in the crowd.

[carenkh]

I quit drinking quite a few years ago; I was in recovery, actually, though I'm not any more.

One thing I discovered was that I never had to make a decision to drop all of my friends - the people who were my true friends still hung out with me, those for whom our only connection was drinking or getting high naturally came around less and less. I have always had friends who drank or got high or who didn't; it was all about whether we had other, more real connections.

In terms of having fun - I discovered hanging in a loud bar *wasn't* fun for me! My definition of fun changed. It happened over time. I still love to go to concerts and will go to a bar to hear a band and dance, but not just to hang out.

It is in getting to know myself completely, and accept myself that I've really become able to drop everything and be funny and silly. I'd rather have gone through *not* doing that for a while, than rely on alcohol for that ability. I'm so glad to have rediscovered that authentic part of myself!

Alcohol is a depressant, so while it can seem, in the moment, like it allows me to be more free and open, the long-term affect is that I'm *less* able to do that! Again - it's something I'd rather achieve authentically without alcohol, even if for a while, I didn't know how! That ability was there, I just had to find it.

[pharmboy]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I quit drinking quite a few years ago; I was in recovery, actually, though I'm not any more.

One thing I discovered was that I never had to make a decision to drop all of my friends - the people who were my true friends still hung out with me, those for whom our only connection was drinking or getting high naturally came around less and less. I have always had friends who drank or got high or who didn't; it was all about whether we had other, more real connections.

In terms of having fun - I discovered hanging in a loud bar *wasn't* fun for me! My definition of fun changed. It happened over time. I still love to go to concerts and will go to a bar to hear a band and dance, but not just to hang out.

It is in getting to know myself completely, and accept myself that I've really become able to drop everything and be funny and silly. I'd rather have gone through *not* doing that for a while, than rely on alcohol for that ability. I'm so glad to have rediscovered that authentic part of myself!

Alcohol is a depressant, so while it can seem, in the moment, like it allows me to be more free and open, the long-term affect is that I'm *less* able to do that! Again - it's something I'd rather achieve authentically without alcohol, even if for a while, I didn't know how! That ability was there, I just had to find it.

Thank you so much for posting this.

[sbdiane]

I will sometimes go to a party and not drink alcohol. It is fun at first until everyone else starts getting drunk. Then it becomes a bore, or worse, it just gets disgusting. So I go home. Nobody ever notices when you go home early.

I have never liked loud clubs or drunken parties. My friends would drag me to them but they only made me feel anxious. All that loud music and the crowds. I just wanted to get out of there.

There's a whole world of social events that don't revolve around drinking or clubbing. I like to ride a bicycle with a bicycle club, hike with a hiking club, play mandolin at an old-time jam session (and I don't even know how to play the darn thing), play flute at an Irish session (I do know how to play the flute) and I take classes (writing) and volunteer, too. The jam session is the most fun because sometimes we play at parties and even get paid in food or real money.

[VelociRaptor]

Originally Posted by sixx1984

Where abouts in Scotland are you thinking of settling?

My family live in Troon about 30km south west of Glasgow on the water.

Looking forward to maybe having a white Christmas, we don't get them here in West Australia, last year it was 45C (113F) on Christmas and Boxing Day. So obviously getting used to the cold will be another challenge.

That's okay, planning on taking up all the sports I do here over there, basketball, long distance running and indoor beach volleyball.

[sixx1984]

Originally Posted by VelociRaptor

My family live in Troon about 30km south west of Glasgow on the water.

Looking forward to maybe having a white Christmas, we don't get them here in West Australia, last year it was 45C (113F) on Christmas and Boxing Day. So obviously getting used to the cold will be another challenge.

That's okay, planning on taking up all the sports I do here over there, basketball, long distance running and indoor beach volleyball.

That sounds lovely. I'm a bit further north in Aberdeen. Rarely do you actually get a white christmas here! Usually snows in January! Although for me, a hot christmas would be nice! I quite fancy the idea of having xmas dinner on the barbeque down the beach! Lol! I don't think you ever really get used to the cold. I've been here a long time and I still hate it! But everyone's different!

I think that's why a lot of scots are big drinkers - helps numb your body to the cold. Lol! Thats probably why a lot of girls can go out in the snow wearing, well, not very much at all!