I wanna sell my soul to the Devil

[forynav]

I'm at the point where I don't care anymore. I tried to move on and did move on (from being rejected). But, now everything is echoing back. All the ghosts are rising back.

I'm tired. Empathy is a curse. I don't want it. I want to be selfish.

I wanna sell my soul to the Devil. Problem is, I don't have his number.

Ah, there it is again, my attempts to laugh it off. But, I'm only deluding myself. I really have hit the bottom. I'm so lonely and lost and pathetic.

And please dont say to love myself first to find love. I do. Very much so. I love how creative I am, I love how funny I am (absolutely lifts me to crack others up), I love how honest I am, I love my capacity to forgive, I love my altruism (whenever I ask or pray, like for eg. "Let everyone do well on this exam, including me"). I love myself and sometimes feel pity for those who don't know me. Now I'm getting snobbish

Anyways, I'm tired of it all. I have hit rock bottom. I am really happy for all the people for whom things are going right. But I don't want to be. For once, I want to be happy for myself.

Does this make any sense?

[LifeWork]

The way I see it, you can be selfish for as long as you "need" to be, to get back on your feet, learn the basics. I'm actually at that point now where I see that "empathy" can ruin lives at a certain point in peoples' development.

I get the feeling you think you're doing people favors being "unselfish", AND they're not paying you back.

[forynav]

I must add that sometimes I feel GUILTY for being as LUCKY as I am. I have the most wonderful family I could ask for. My Dad doesn't just inspire me, he has inspired everyone in his hometown and has changed so many lives. My mom showers me with so much Love, I really have no business asking for more. My sister is the most perfect gift that I ever got. We simply "click". I love her very very much and I thank God, Source, Higher Intelligence every day for blessing me with such a wonderful playmate.

And, my cousins are my greatest friends who support me for all the silly things I do and care for me more than they do for their own children. In short, I'm like the King of my family and that realization, as much as it should help, pushes me further into self-pity.

Because, there still is a gap. And, I'm normally good at looking over that gap and focusing on my studies and working to make Dad proud. But, sometimes, I slip and fall in this hole.

I'm very honest with myself. And as stupid as it sounds to me while typing this - my cause for despair and depression is that I do not have a girlfriend. Someone, I can share the wonderful person that I am with.

This is not about peer pressure or social status. I just need that connection. I want Love. SO simple, yet so tough.

Thanks for reading.

[Eric Revelin]

Don't think of yourself so lowly. Kill the devil and take his throne. All the power, none of the consequences. God knows you can put it to better use than he ever did.

[Jamie]

Lots of guys are in your predicament forynav, and probably, a lot of them have it worse than you do.

I'm doing the 'desperately wanting love' thing too. It's not who I am, it doesn't define me, it's just a trip I get on, from time to time. Well, actually it's a lot of the time, but, it's still just a trip, it's not me.

When I say trip (I don't mean acid), it's like a pretend identity, just like being a womanizing playboy, is just an identity, it's not the real absolute YOU you.

Personally, I believe a major theme of life (if not the point of life itself), is to uncover this real absolute YOU you. I also believe it's quite possible to use the pain you're going through as a device, that helps you peal away the (false) layers.

Only when you come close to your true, unforced, core natrue, will you truely know love (and naturally attract someone else on that wave-length) for then you will have discovered the truth first-hand, that you ARE love.

Jamie.

[forynav]

Ya, I hate these trips. One therapy I use is to drain all my emotions into my poetry. But this time, it's not helping.

[Jamie]

It's a pisser! I know.

But what can you do? Really, if it had been me starting this thread, and you responding (as it could easily have been), what advice would you give?

[Jamie]

This might be completely inappropriate here, but what the hell!? I recently read this and have been dying to share it (I am not a bhuddist by the way, and I wouldn't call myself at all religious, but I agree with a lot this guy says, and he expresses the human condition way better that I could).

Ken Wilber, foremost authority on transpersonal psychology and East West studies. His two dozen books include The Spectrum of Consciousness, The Atman Project, No Boundary, Up from Eden, A Sociable God, Transformations of Consciousness, and Grace and Grit.

He says ...

Let us hold our visions lightly. Let us not think that in changing from iron chains to gold chains we are somehow free. But let us finally release all dreams and visions and hopes and realize that very divinity which is always already, without any help or hope at all, our own primordial state.’

Great sages from Eckhart and St Dionysius in the West to Shankara and Nagarjuna in the East, to Krishnamurti and Love-Ananda in the present, have unanimously told us that the very highest state, the ultimate state, the purest spiritual -state, is not divine knowledge but divine ignorance (or emptiness). Knowledge, high or low, sacred or profane, exalted or debased; is simply a contraction in awareness. It separates nameless consciousness into one state which sees or knows, and one state which is seen or known. In this mutilated and fragmented state, we never have reality, we relate to the world by ‘knowing’ the world ‘out there,’ seeing the world out there, rasping the world out there, as if consciousness and the world were not one and the same event.

Thus, in lesser states, we can indeed know this or that, desire this or that, visualize this or that. But you cannot know the ultimate state simply because it is one with the knower itself, and you cannot know the knower any more than your eye can see itself. The ultimate state will not split into seer and seen, and thus although you can certainly be that ultimate state, you can never know it as an object, whether object of worship, object of science, or object of hope and vision.

This is not to say that science, hope, and vision do not have their place in relative reality for, within the dream of dualism, they are noble enough. It is to say, however, that they have absolutely nothing to do with ultimate reality and final release in being. As the old sage Lao Tzu said: ‘The man of learning gains every day; the man of Tao loses every day.’ Loses knowing, loses dualistic hopes and visions, loses any form of grasping or seeking, and rests instead in divine ignorance, in the cloud of unknowing, which for Lao Tzu was the Great Mystery (his term), the mystery of pure awareness which can never be known or grasped and yet contains the entire majesty before your own eyes right at this moment.

This, surely, is why the aim of all three vehicles of Buddhism (Hinayana, Mahayana, Vajrayana) is to put an end to hope and fear. It is not to gain knowledge, gain yet more objects in awareness, objects separate from subjects which then together conspire to cut asunder and tear the fabric of seamless consciousness.

But this same consciousness, upon realizing that it can never be seen as an object, is released, radically released, from the chronic headache of an eye trying to see itself. And it is precisely in that relaxation, in that uncoiling, in that release, that consciousness, resting in divine ignorance, can simply be, in this timeless moment, that pure divinity that our knowing and hoping and grasping had heretofore obscured.

Visions are nice in the dream world. They help turn bad dreams into pleasant dreams. But it is our visions, high or low, sacred or profane, that hold firmly the scales over our eyes and block not our knowing but our being divine. And it is visions, lovely alluring visions that convince us that having pleasant dreams is the same as waking up.

The great saints and sages mean this absolutely, uncompromisingly, and radically. As St Augustine said, if in searching for God one sees anything, one is seeing at best angels (for they are indeed subtle or higher objects), but never, never God.

This does not mean, as I said, that holding in mind some lofty vision is of no use in this relative and dualistic world of the pleasant dream. It is just that visions, no matter how noble and wonderful, are ultimately perverted, because, ultimately they are not real.

And so let us hold our visions lightly. Let us not think that in changing from iron chains to gold chains we are somehow free. Let us not go into that dark night thinking that the pleasant dream is the coming of the light.

Let us do what we have to do in this relative world to make the dream more pleasant for all those caught in it. But let us finally release all dreams and visions and hopes and, resting in divine ignorance, realize that very divinity which is always already, without any help or hope at all, our own primordial state.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by Jamie

This might be completely inappropriate here, but what the hell!? I recently read this and have been dying to share it (I am not a bhuddist by the way, and I wouldn't call myself at all religious, but I agree with a lot this guy says, and he expresses the human condition way better that I could).

Ken Wilber, foremost authority on transpersonal psychology and East West studies. His two dozen books include The Spectrum of Consciousness, The Atman Project, No Boundary, Up from Eden, A Sociable God, Transformations of Consciousness, and Grace and Grit.

He says ...

How beautiful...
Thanks for posting it.

[eskimo]

Originally Posted by forynav

I must add that sometimes I feel GUILTY for being as LUCKY as I am. I have the most wonderful family I could ask for. My Dad doesn't just inspire me, he has inspired everyone in his hometown and has changed so many lives. My mom showers me with so much Love, I really have no business asking for more. My sister is the most perfect gift that I ever got. We simply "click". I love her very very much and I thank God, Source, Higher Intelligence every day for blessing me with such a wonderful playmate.

And, my cousins are my greatest friends who support me for all the silly things I do and care for me more than they do for their own children. In short, I'm like the King of my family and that realization, as much as it should help, pushes me further into self-pity.

Because, there still is a gap. And, I'm normally good at looking over that gap and focusing on my studies and working to make Dad proud. But, sometimes, I slip and fall in this hole.

I'm very honest with myself. And as stupid as it sounds to me while typing this - my cause for despair and depression is that I do not have a girlfriend. Someone, I can share the wonderful person that I am with.

This is not about peer pressure or social status. I just need that connection. I want Love. SO simple, yet so tough.

Thanks for reading.

Perhaps this blurb in your statement captures your condition.

Are you living your life for other people or are you living your life for yourself?

Are you the dutiful son who does what he's been conditioned to believe is right or are you doing those things that stir up a passion in your heart and sharing that with others?

If you're longing after girls and think that being emotionally intimate with one will solve all your problems, then believe me, you're not ready for a woman and having one won't solve your problems.

Find the key to unlocking the passion in your heart, pursue that activity to success, and then the perfect woman for you will naturally be drawn into your life - like a moth to a flame.

Steve

[seeker5]

Before you sell your soul to the devil, maybe you can buy Steve Pavlina's book "Personal Development for Smart People"? I think there are some great things in there that may help you out:

Amazon.com: Personal Development for Smart People: The Conscious Pursuit of Personal Growth: Steve Pavlina: Books

[Angela]

I wanna sell my soul to the Devil

You're not gonna get too much for it, in that condition. I'd spiff it up a bit before putting it on the market.

So, what are you going to do? What are you willing to take on, or let go of, to get yourself where you want to be?

[mattpd]

The greatest success for me seems to come just after that point where I want to give up

[NightSpirit]

I enjoyed that excerpt you posted too. I think there is merit in looking at life that way sometimes although I am Christian.

I am older now but I am trying to remember when I felt the way you do..... Okay, now I remember. I am taken back to the time when I thought ny life was over after being so hurt by my first few relationships; I had been married and divorced twice by the time I was 24.

I don't mean to scare you but maybe scaring you will jolt you a bit. That same kind of life I had then is what the attitude you have now can cause. Back then, I thought to have a good relationship was the meaning of life and was all I really ever wanted from life. Because of the way I thought, I made choices, accepted treatment from men and made excuses for their behavior out of desperation to have a relationship.

Like many young people, I made my decisions based mostly on physical attraction, the sex and how we looked together and on what other people thought about them. And then once I was in a relationship, fear of being where you are now kept me there even though the signs were all there that I should get out. What I did to myself was bad enough but I also had children from these marriages and they suffered from my choices too.

Let me tell you the truth of what's going on with you that maybe you can't see. The truth is that you could date a different girl every night if that is what you want. But you are waiting for the be all and end all girl that will be your girlfriend, someone you really click with.

I am asking you to stop doing that and get out of this scarcity mentality about women. There are millions of good women in the world, most of which would love to build a life of love with an introspective, kind person such as yourself. If you could force yourself to multi-date, you could get out of this desperate way of thinking before you get so desperate you just grab the first willing person and commit to her to stop the pain. Unless you are really lucky in who you grab, the pain just starts there, believe me.

If you can't just date for the fun of it, then at least try what you posted. Clear your head of any thoughts at all concerning a relationship because that would be better than where you are now. Just start to be able to see the joy in "right now." You are young, healthy, single, free, and while this will change and you will one day have a loving mate and and family of your own, there is joy for you today, right now.

The way to begin clearing your head is to sit alone for a few minutes a day and have no thoughts or beliefs at all. Start by just thinking of the breath coming in and out of your nose and that is all. If you have a thought or hear some noise make no judgment about it; just let it pass. I promise you if you try this and ever have just a few seconds of no thoughts, the peace in that will change the way you think about needing anything.

If you don't learn to control your state of mind now, then when you get what you want and you are up to your elbows in dirty diapers and electric bills and have to spend your holidays with your wife's family instead of your own, then you won't be happy then either. You will look back at this time in your life with longing.

"Now" is a good time and there is a time to every purpose under heaven, as the Bible says. Don't let desire for tomorrow steal the purpose and the joy from today.

P.S. I know you were joking because you don't believe in the devil but there is power in our thoughts and words, so think about trying to control them.
I feel your pain though and that was a good way to describe the way I felt back then at 24 with 2 young kids. Looking back, I can see I was beautiful, intelligent, caring and a lot of good men tried to get my attention. But I was looking for that spark, the same spark from the last two relationships that when it died out, I didn't like who they really were, a violent drug addict, and a womanizer.

I later married a good man and had many happy years with him before we amicably divorced. Now I am happily single, not needing anyone else to feel complete. You are complete too, just as you are. The best relationships are when two complete people come together to love each other out of choice, not desperation. I wish you the peace that is in living in today.

[Mewwy]

If you truly want to sell your soul to the devil, would you still be here to ask whether or not if it makes sense? Hitler never asked anyone if killing people makes sense!

You're still aligned to the light - I pray all goes well for you.

[JorgeHTQH]

You've hit rock bottom, you cant go any lower...

... so now there's only one way to go,.... and thats up.. get up and move up..

Force yourself to get up....

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by forynav

I'm tired. Empathy is a curse. I don't want it. I want to be selfish.

I wanna sell my soul to the Devil. Problem is, I don't have his number.

Ah, there it is again, my attempts to laugh it off. But, I'm only deluding myself. I really have hit the bottom. I'm so lonely and lost and pathetic.

Hiya forynav,

I'm going to direct you to my negative affirmations thread because it has been working so well for me:
Negative affirmations

Basically, when you notice yourself thinking negative thoughts, just turn them around to not-positive ones. Remember that affirmations are "I am" or "I have" but not "I want". Your brain also doesn't "see" the negator words. Saying "I am" vs. "I am not" are the same thing. Let me give you some examples on how to turn around your thoughts.

"I'm tired" --> "I don't have enough energy"
"I want to be selfish" --> "I am not selfish"
"I am lonely" --> "I am not popular/accepted" "I don't have a girlfriend"
"I am lost" --> "I don't know where I'm going"
"I am pathetic" --> "I am not worthy of admiration"
"I have hit bottom" --> "I am not enjoying life" "My life is not pleasant"

It's an easy thought trick, because it resonates with your Truth but also focuses your attention on where you want to go. Try it and see!

[Jamie]

Some things to consider, when we find ourselves to be in unfavourable conditions in life ...

1. Everything is relative.

If you sold your soul to the devil, and you found yourself to be tormented by such a being; you may well, at that time, consider your current circumstances to be akin to the highest heaven.

2. Consistency, focus, and fortitude; in hard times.

Troubled circumstances are like the fire in which we forge our steel like inner nature. To face such hard-ship, and not whine or revile, is the mark of a true man.

Such a man, you would be wise, to seek to be; to develop such attributes; think 'Return of the King' LOTR part 3, the King didn't get to be such by way of an easy life. Nor, did he merit the affections of the lovely Liv Tyler (Arwen?) by way of being a weak man.

So set your focus on being a strong true man. Discover for yourself what that means, and never let that vision from your sight. Being such a man, shaping your own character in this way, should be your primary life goal. Women will follow, if they will, if not; that is not your concern.

3. On some level, we are creating our own reality.

Enough said.


---

Alternatively, learn to be a drug abusing, womanizer; they get all the hot chicks (apparently); but is the prize worth the cost?

I think not.

[openeyes]

I'd recommend waiting a while. Prices are likely rather low at the moment with the market as it is.

[forynav]

Originally Posted by Jamie

It's a pisser! I know.

But what can you do? Really, if it had been me starting this thread, and you responding (as it could easily have been), what advice would you give?

One of the things I do, and do well most of the time is emotionally manage myself. But, analysis is one thing and feeling is a different thing. It is after extensive introspection and self-shrinking that I posted here. So, I have no advice.

Originally Posted by eskimo

Perhaps this blurb in your statement captures your condition.

Are you living your life for other people or are you living your life for yourself?

Are you the dutiful son who does what he's been conditioned to believe is right or are you doing those things that stir up a passion in your heart and sharing that with others?

If you're longing after girls and think that being emotionally intimate with one will solve all your problems, then believe me, you're not ready for a woman and having one won't solve your problems.

Find the key to unlocking the passion in your heart, pursue that activity to success, and then the perfect woman for you will naturally be drawn into your life - like a moth to a flame.

Steve

Very good points, there Steve. Like, I pointed out, I feel GUILTY sometimes for all the good things in my life. And, I want to "repay" my Dad for everything he's done for me. It's irrational, but there it is. And the career I'm studying for, I am definitely interested in it enough to pursue it honestly, and without any regrets. Although, I can't neglect the fact that security is one of the major reasons I'm doing it.

My passion is writing and making people laugh. Whenever, I creatively exert myself (like write a poem/story, make people laugh, bring myself to open my mind by thinking of concepts alien to me), I always get a kick out of it.

So, if I had 10 billion dollars, I prolly would be writing.

I know a woman is not the answer to all my problems. But, it is a genuine gap in my life right now. Something I desire.

Originally Posted by Angela

You're not gonna get too much for it, in that condition. I'd spiff it up a bit before putting it on the market.

So, what are you going to do? What are you willing to take on, or let go of, to get yourself where you want to be?

I'm not sure what I want to give up. I'll have to listen to what the offer is first.

Originally Posted by NightSpirit

I don't mean to scare you but maybe scaring you will jolt you a bit. That same kind of life I had then is what the attitude you have now can cause. Back then, I thought to have a good relationship was the meaning of life and was all I really ever wanted from life. Because of the way I thought, I made choices, accepted treatment from men and made excuses for their behavior out of desperation to have a relationship.

That is soooooooooo the place I'm in right now. I can, however see that it is not the ultimate solution.

Let me tell you the truth of what's going on with you that maybe you can't see. The truth is that you could date a different girl every night if that is what you want. But you are waiting for the be all and end all girl that will be your girlfriend, someone you really click with.

The truth is I don't have the opportunity for that. I dont have a healthy social life to meet people. And going out to meet people, well, I just don't have the time for that. None of my peers boast a social life

If you can't just date for the fun of it, then at least try what you posted. Clear your head of any thoughts at all concerning a relationship because that would be better than where you are now. Just start to be able to see the joy in "right now." You are young, healthy, single, free, and while this will change and you will one day have a loving mate and and family of your own, there is joy for you today, right now.


"Now" is a good time and there is a time to every purpose under heaven, as the Bible says. Don't let desire for tomorrow steal the purpose and the joy from today.

That is what I do normally. But, sometimes I slip, like I noted above. And, when I'm in this place, I just dont have the motivation to do that. I'm not asking for much. Companionship is the most primitive instinct. I'm just seeking what I was built to seek.

Originally Posted by Lauxa

Hiya forynav,

I'm going to direct you to my negative affirmations thread because it has been working so well for me:
Negative affirmations

It's an easy thought trick, because it resonates with your Truth but also focuses your attention on where you want to go. Try it and see!

Thanks! Am checking it out and will post results. Cheers.

Originally Posted by Jamie

Some things to consider, when we find ourselves to be in unfavourable conditions in life ...


So set your focus on being a strong true man. Discover for yourself what that means, and never let that vision from your sight. Being such a man, shaping your own character in this way, should be your primary life goal. Women will follow, if they will, if not; that is not your concern.

But, my man, that exactly is my concern. I'm tired of being a "strong, true man". I'd rather be simple and coupled.

Originally Posted by openeyes

I'd recommend waiting a while. Prices are likely rather low at the moment with the market as it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I have thought about this, and I'm OK with not getting intimacy right now. I'll take a f-buddy.

But, I dunno where to find one. Can I manifest one?

[mattpd]

I love this book:

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

Only $11.50 from Amazon.

You NEED to read it

[NightSpirit]

Originally Posted by forynav

That is what I do normally. But, sometimes I slip, like I noted above. And, when I'm in this place, I just dont have the motivation to do that. I'm not asking for much. Companionship is the most primitive instinct. I'm just seeking what I was built to seek.

Seek it like it really exists and will be found, though. Grab your hat and go out seeking like good women are growing all around you and ripe for the picking, because they really are.

Originally Posted by forynav

I have thought about this, and I'm OK with not getting intimacy right now. I'll take a f-buddy.
But, I dunno where to find one. Can I manifest one?

I would help you with this, because I know where they are, but you would blame me when you end up on the Maury show for a paternity test, so I won't.

[forynav]

Originally Posted by NightSpirit

I would help you with this, because I know where they are, but you would blame me when you end up on the Maury show for a paternity test, so I won't.

hahhahaha, lol

[driven1]

Sounds like you've got a touch of depression -- something I can relate to. Are you exercising? When my head gets to a bad place, a long run helps me get back to an even keel. I swear it works nearly as well as SSRIs, without the negative side-effects -- and with some positive ones!

And while I totally understand the loneliness (haven't had a gf for 2 years here), *never* depend on a woman to complete your life for you. That's just way to much pressure to put on another person, IMO. Complete your own life first, then welcome her into it.

[forynav]

Originally Posted by Angela

So, what are you going to do? What are you willing to take on, or let go of, to get yourself where you want to be?

OK, seems like I have reached this dark place again. Maybe there is some solace to be found in the fact that I can recognize this place as 'dark'.

What is this stupidity that I HAVE to have something that I can't. Why can't I let this girl go?

I have tried everything. Looking at this like a good thing, playing it out as if it was the kick in the butt I needed to improve my life. I even did something I did not want to. Associate hatred with her and tried to magnify her weaknesses and insecurities. That seemed to work and then failed. Then I appreciated my own life, in a bid for self-sufficiency as it is now and express gratitude for everything I have.

And, now again I find myself in this place where I'll do ANYTHING to have her. I mean, if there was some "black magic", I'd try it. I'm scared of this part of myself.

But, I can't help it! She gets sexier by the day even though she is not much of a looker.

I just read the above statement, and can't help but laugh at myself.

But, this is the raw truth. It's like I'm under some spell.

I'll do anything!! damn.

I'm not ashamed to show this weak, pathetic side of myself here. I can see how I'm spiralling down and down due to this inane desire. I know I'm only gonna get hurt by pursuing her. At least, some part of me knows this. But, I'm not able to give up.

So, in response to Angela, I'm wiling to let go of the kind of person I am. Willing to give up the qualities I have listed above. I'll go over to the dark side. This is my weakest point, I'm very vulnerable, right now.

How and why did I get here?

[Angela]

How about being willing to try on generating what you want?

This woman is not the only sexy girl in the world -- the place is crawling with them. How about taking on shifting your focus from her to the world of women? How about asking out three different women -- a pair and a spare?

[forynav]

I know you are right, I know you are.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by forynav

I know you are right, I know you are.

Is that a "but" I hear in there? Like, I know you're right, but I'm just not willing to do that right now? Of course it's fine if you're not; I was just asking/suggesting. I think the important thing is to find some kind of action that you are WILLING to take, that will take you towards what you want, if even just a little bit. Asking out 3 girls might be too much, but maybe there is something you can think of that would have you feeling a little better, that would launch you even in a small way towards what you really want? What you REALLY want, I mean, underneath your desire for this particular girl -- is it passion, companionship, love, etc..... whatever it is, she is not the only source of it.

[JorgeHTQH]

chances are, he may already have a place reserved for you in hell... so if i were you i would do a 180 degree turn and head towards the opposite way as fast as i can... if you feel that you have hit rock bottom then there's only one way to go now and thats up..

[mezameo]

Originally Posted by NightSpirit

I enjoyed that excerpt you posted too. I think there is merit in looking at life that way sometimes although I am Christian.

I am older now but I am trying to remember when I felt the way you do..... Okay, now I remember. I am taken back to the time when I thought ny life was over after being so hurt by my first few relationships; I had been married and divorced twice by the time I was 24.

I don't mean to scare you but maybe scaring you will jolt you a bit. That same kind of life I had then is what the attitude you have now can cause. Back then, I thought to have a good relationship was the meaning of life and was all I really ever wanted from life. Because of the way I thought, I made choices, accepted treatment from men and made excuses for their behavior out of desperation to have a relationship.

I would be really curious your take on HOW you have been able to deal with past anger and prevent it from sabotaging the present. I struggle with this daily and find meditation actually does not release anger for me, nor does yoga for that matter. It just dulls it a bit but it is still always there under the surface.