How do accept my friend being a lesbian?

[ellie]

Hi I thought I would be honest here, I have this friend that I was very close to growing up, she's really was like my big sister. I spent a lot of time with her and her family. I would eat, sleep and play there nearly every second night - ha ha!

After a while we lost touch because of me falling out of my religion and my friend being still heavily involved in it.

A number of years later I found out that she had "come out", which was a huge shock to me. Although she was a real tomboy It never entered my mind EVER that she would have lesbian tendencies.

Anyway, we ended up bumping into each other a few years back and ocassionaly keep in contact. Now I am trying so hard to just fully accept her new life, but I have to admit it is a bit intimidating for me. If I am being honest I still can't quite understand the idea of being gay, as it's so foreign in understanding to me. I don't want feel this way, I want to just be "cool" with it, but I just find it hard to comfortable around her friends.

I always sense there is there is this us and you mentality around gays and same for straight people. I wish I could kind of tell her that I still find it hard to understand and that I still know she's the same person, it's just that I don't know how to stop feeling that "your different". I think I might also be intimidated because she does really hang around a gay crowd and they just seem like to have a completely different way of living/thinking. I don't know....

I think she thinks I am completely cool with it all and that's maybe because I am trying to be cool with it, but really I'm not.

What's your thoughts, suggestion to help me not even thinking about our differences?

[oBakasan]

Honestly, I have no idea why it's even a problem for you.

So she sleeps with women, so what? They're hot. I'd sleep with a woman too if it came to that.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by oBakasan

Honestly, I have no idea why it's even a problem for you.

Exactly I don't know why either.

[Angela]

Take a look. What's the threat? What does it mean ABOUT YOU if you have a friend who is a lesbian, or if you are hanging out with lesbians?

It means I am ____.

[NightSpirit]

Well, she IS different from you and we are aware of the differences in people. You sound like me, thinking internally that I might accidentally offend some of my black friends because I was raised in a racist environment. I feel the same way if I hang out with relatives that have a lot more money than I do. Sooner or later the conversation is going to go in a direction where we have nothing in common.

It's not a problem if you are aware that she is different as long as you still love her and respect her. With some of my gay friends, we can talk about the love they have for their mate because I understand love. But if they want me to appreciate the sex appeal of someone of my same sex, that comment would not be welcome. I would consider it as insensitive to me as I would be to them in trying to get them to appreciate the attraction of some biceps or muscular thighs.

I've had to let gay male friends know I don't want to hear about their sex life even though I respect their relationship. I wouldn't want to hear the details of a straight friend's sex life either, though.

Are you sure you're not just afraid she or some of her friends might hit on you and that might be uncomfortable? Or that she might get the wrong idea from your acceptance? I've had that happen too. Because I didn't shun a girl like everyone else did, she developed a crush on me. I just ignored it in the same way I did when a man flirted too much. She got the idea that I wasn't interested and we stayed friends.

She knows you are different too. She has probably always known it because most people don't just turn gay overnight. She still loved you and you can still love her with the differences as long as you respect each other and still have enough things in common to warrant a friendship.

[Pace]

If you find it uncomfortable to be around her friends, maybe it would be good for you and her to have some one-on-one time? Would you feel comfortable with that?

[Guardian Angel]

I think that if you consider her as a friend, you can easily accept her being what you did not expected. Isn't that friendship is all about acceptance.

By the way, are you bothered for her or for yourself? So what if she is different? Aren't you different in some ways, too?

I want to end this plain and simple. Sexuality does not change friendship. It is the people behind the friendship that changes.

[Jamie]

God, I wish I had some lesbo friends.

Jamie.

[mattpd]

I know how you can accept her as a lesbian...

..but it does involve a strap on.

Maybe you have emotional involvement in this situation...

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by Jamie

God, I wish I had some lesbo friends.

Jamie.

I expect that using the word 'lesbo' helps keeps them away.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

I expect that using the word 'lesbo' helps keeps them away.

Quite right, and thank you, for point that out to me.

God, I wish I had some lesbian friends.

Jamie.

[Pace]

Hi Jamie, nice to meet you! I'm Pace! (:

[Dharma]

ellie,
I don't think it is about your lesbian friend. I think the problem is your resistance to having resistance to accepting your lesbian friend. (that clear?)

I think you think non-acceptance of someone is wrong. And you won't let the feeling be at peace inside you. You're not a good person if you can't accept your friend as a lesbian... blah blah blah

That might be the undercurrent, and you're resisting the undercurrent. And so that feeling will stay until you do not resist it.

Be ok with having resistance to your friend being a lesbian. Explore the feeling fully. Feel it in your gut. Let go of any judgement for having such thoughts and just be with your experience of resisting another person's life. It will pass if you accept it without judgement.

[Jamie]

Reading between the lines Pace, I would suspect that you're being a little economical with the truth, and in fact, it isn't so nice to meet me.

Your non smiley face, gives you away!

I think I've upset, or otherwise, pissed off too many people toinght already, and I hope, every person finds a real smile on their face, no matter what their persuasion.

Warmest regards to you,
Jamie.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Your non smiley face, gives you away!

That is a smiley face, just turned the other way than you usually see it! See where the eyes are? I thought it was a friendly hello from Pace, in response to your desire to have some lesbian friends.

Interesting you would see it otherwise!

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Dharma

ellie,
I don't think it is about your lesbian friend. I think the problem is your resistance to having resistance to accepting your lesbian friend. (that clear?)

I think you think non-acceptance of someone is wrong. And you won't let the feeling be at peace inside you. You're not a good person if you can't accept your friend as a lesbian... blah blah blah

That might be the undercurrent, and you're resisting the undercurrent. And so that feeling will stay until you do not resist it.

Be ok with having resistance to your friend being a lesbian. Explore the feeling fully. Feel it in your gut. Let go of any judgement for having such thoughts and just be with your experience of resisting another person's life. It will pass if you accept it without judgement.

Yes I think this reply resonates with me the most. So thank you.

No I don't think it's an emotional attachment either, because I do this with other gay people, men and woman.

I guess it's me trying to understand why I can't just accept someone for who they are, but yes I need to accept that I am allow to have these feelings and explore them.

I guess also I find with a lot of gay people that they're really into their scene. Like it's not like " hey I have changed my sexual preference, but I have to be a hardcore gay and hang out only with gays, I have to talk about cute, sexy boys if I am gay man etc". This is just something I am not into in a hetrosexual world either. I am conservative, whereas a lot of gay people seem to be really open in their talk about their world and sexuality in general. I think that's what intimidates me, just this freedom in their sexuality and they don't seem to factor in how people who are not part of their world, don't really want to hear about all the details.

Like I remember I used to have this gay boss, really nice guy...but he would always talk about getting layed with me, or showing his new outfit for mardigrass, and I was thinking "please, don't go there!".

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by carenkh

That is a smiley face, just turned the other way than you usually see it! See where the eyes are? I thought it was a friendly hello from Pace, in response to your desire to have some lesbian friends.

Interesting you would see it otherwise!

Oh yes! You're right!

My bad (and I guess the way I saw it, perhaps is more a reflection of my own anticipation, that no-one would wanna be friends with me, ohhh, cruel cruel world).

A pleasure to meet you too Pace!

[Pace]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Oh yes! You're right!

My bad (and I guess the way I saw it, perhaps is more a reflection of my own anticipation, that no-one would wanna be friends with me, ohhh, cruel cruel world).

A pleasure to meet you too Pace!

(:

And also the anticipation of seeing smiley faces tilted sideways to the right instead of tilted sideways to the left. People often say my smilies are backwards, but I think they're just as sideways as everyone else's. (:

And to un-hijack this thread, that brings us back to anticipations and expectations.

Ellie, what anticipations and expectations do you have about your lesbian friend, or her friends? You say they make you uncomfortable. Is that because you don't know what to expect or them? Or you expect they'll act in ways that would make you feel uncomfortable, e.g. hitting on you?

[Pace]

Originally Posted by ellie

I guess also I find with a lot of gay people that they're really into their scene. Like it's not like " hey I have changed my sexual preference, but I have to be a hardcore gay and hang out only with gays

Has your friend recently come out as lesbian, or has it been a while? For some people, the "steep myself in queer culture and be super out and proud" thing is only a phase.

Are you uncomfortable with her when it's just the two of you, or is it only when her other friends are around too?

[striving4peace]

LOL, I've been more comfy with my bi and lesbo friends than i've been with my own heterosexual virgin self

[crescive]

Do you feel that they are judging you for being straight? I think you need to understand the root of your discomfort. These are issues you need to figure out on your own but use your time spent with her to help you figure them out. Try to find common ground with her and her lesbian friends that do not have to do with their sexual orientation. For instance, talk about your pets or hobbies or favorite movies and TV shows. If they mention things that you are unaware of, for instance, the TV show, "The L Word" then you can ask them about the show and use that as an opportunity to learn more about their culture. It's great to be around people who are different from you, it gives you an opportunity to learn! Embrace it and come out more aware and more knowledgeable than you had been before.

[crescive]

I read this a while ago when I was in a workshop for social awareness. This is an example of some of the questions homosexuals are faced with on a daily basis, just from a different perspective. Read this from a heterosexual point of view and see how it affects you, and how ridiculous some of the questions sound.

This is the Heterosexual survey. Where do YOU fall?


What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

When and where did you decide you were a heterosexual?

Is it possible this is just a phase and you will out grow it?

Is it possible that your sexual orientation has stemmed from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Do your parents know you are straight? Do your friends know- how did they react?

If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it just possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality... can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Why do heterosexuals try to recruit others into this lifestyle?

A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual... Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

Considering the menace of overpopulation how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you feel that he or she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his orher leanings?

There seem to very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to.

Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

Would you want your child to be a heterosexual, knowing the problems that he or she would face?


Some questions are silly, some are thought provoking, some are hilarious, hope this helps aid some empathy.

[ellie]

ok well I spent some more time with her the otherday it was nice. It was like the old times and we are still pretty much the same. We there type of people that like talking and getting it all out, although I did not raise the "uncoftable with lesbian talk" yet. She does talk about a few things that I feel uncomfortable in and did not expect from her, but I would feel uncomfortable talking about them in a hetro world as well.

The thing is I think she either thinks I might be gay, and I don't realise it yet or that maybe I will convert, because she keeps hinting at it. I don't know maybe it's something for her to feel more the "norm", if someone that she grew up with turned out to be a lesbian as well. The fact is, I don't think I am lesbian, although at times I think how good would it be, because I feel women are just a bit more sincere, not so superficial and trusting than men (can't wait for that line to be argued with!!!) But I have never felt attracted to women, but it's interesting when someone tries to put it in your mind, you do have a quick think about it. But I am happy to try an be honest with myself and if I felt there was those tendencies I would be happy to try and "figure it out", but I honestly don't believe that's the case. And speaking to her more about "her coming out" I don't necessarily believe that all gays are born with this, but they have an "experience or a thought" and that changes their belief in what sexual orientation they are. I think this could happen quite easily. Of course I am not saying that for all homosexuals, but I think it can happen.

[Sanity Panda]

Originally Posted by ellie

The thing is I think she either thinks I might be gay, and I don't realise it yet or that maybe I will convert, because she keeps hinting at it. I don't know maybe it's something for her to feel more the "norm", if someone that she grew up with turned out to be a lesbian as well.

And speaking to her more about "her coming out" I don't necessarily believe that all gays are born with this, but they have an "experience or a thought" and that changes their belief in what sexual orientation they are. I think this could happen quite easily. Of course I am not saying that for all homosexuals, but I think it can happen.

Does it make you uncomfortable knowing she's asking if you are lesbian or not?

Sexuality altered by nurture, well... having that belief will make you question whether she will try to turn you into a lesbian. Without this belief, they are just being themselves and it'd be foolish to think that they are attempting to convert something which is near impossible.

You could be right though. Sexuality is one of those vague as heck topics Ideas have been put forward that we are all slightly bisexual, and some asexual (interested in neither)