A Young Hot Girlfriend (divorce/age gap)

[Silent Lucidity]

Ha. Yes, I knew that would get your attention

I'm in a new relationship now with someone who's quite wonderful. When we met, he was separated from his wife and in the process of getting a divorce. I was under the impression that most of the heallng had been done. The affair that hurt him badly happened over two years ago, with things going downhill steadily after that, they separated earlier this year.

INFJ meets ENFP. When we met this spring, there were even precognitive dreams. He seemed to have a capacity for mental/emotional intimacy I have never found before. We were both helping/counselling each other a lot, talking about our ex's, it was a paradox situation in a way, so we could each see the perspective we were missing through the other. It's helped us both to heal. We both admitted a month ago to being in love with each other.

It's strange, it's like I can't seem to stop helping him. I just want him to be alright, want to do everything I can to make sure he'll get through. I think so highly of him as a person. He is kind, strong, intelligent, funny, witty, passionate, energetic, challenges me, teasing, caring, deep, spiritual, powerful, radiant, open, wonderful with words... he's everything I'm looking for in a partner, in terms of character traits. It saddens me when he thinks less of himself, and I'm always trying to build him up. It's the same for him, he always wants to help me in every way. He treats me better than anyone ever has before, in -all- ways. There's a leetle age gap but the closer we get the less it matters.

Now, after four months, he's very stressed with work, issues with his kids, and having just received his divorce certificate in the mail. The first thing he does is call and say he needs to date other people, that we got too serious, way too fast, and he's not ready to get married. (WHAT????!!)

After lengthy discussion it appears he has this urge to get to know others, to meet and talk and date (not sleep with) other women, to explore the mental/emotional chemistry. He just wants to be sure that this is the right thing for him.

He's worried about hurting me though. We are trying to figure out where this 'urge' is coming from for him, and what to do about it. He wants to keep seeing each other but doesn't want me to put my life on hold for him. Then he'll tell me to 'talk him out of it'. Neither of us wants to lose what we have, but if the trust is broken in this way, I don't know if I can get it back.

From his side; he's been with one woman since he was sixteen years old. He dated for about two months before meeting me. So how can I deny him this experience he needs? He hasn't had what I have; about 15 years of dating and different relationships. I know what I want, and I know a good thing when I find it. How to keep it though, is the question.

He is a roller coaster. While talking, he changes his mind every five minutes. I think it's just that he's been hurt -so- badly. People tell me to be calm in the middle of the storm, let him do what he needs to do, as this is a special situation, and he'll be back.

However, I don't know how to do this. How do I be strong? How do I do the right thing?

[mattpd]

sorry, but you are the rebound.

The worst part about the rebound is how real it feels, how amazing it is, and how out of place the inevitable crash comes.

[silicon toad2000]

hate to be cliche but

if you love something, set it free. If it comes back it is yours forever, if not, it was never yours to begin with.

[oBakasan]

I know how the guy feels since I'm in a similar situation.

On one hand I want to be with one person in a committed relationship, but on the other hand I want to see more about the world and explore my sexual preferences to the fullest with different partners.

If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs then I think that the "urge" that you are referring to is simply that his social needs were repressed for so long that he simply can't resist fulfilling them now.

If the connection between you is strong then I would let him have his way for now and come back to you when he's satiated (which would happen eventually, at least if I judge from my own experiences).

EDIT: To add, if you decide to forbid him from doing it, then again judging by my own self, it would probably put a serious strain on what you have already and I don't think your bond would survive that, no matter how strong.

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by Silent Lucidity

Ha. Yes, I knew that would get your attention

Stopped reading there.

[Liveformx64]

That guy needs some time to find himself, he needs to be alone, self sufficient emotionally, financially, physically, all the above.

If you two are right for each other your lives will come back together. It may not be in your perceived time frame, but if it should happen, It will.

[marinik]

How wide is the age gap? I have a 11 year gap. It was nothing when he was 39 but now he is 60 it is huge! Think about it.

[kgiuliani]

Do you love him? Can you love him unconditionally? If you can, there is no question.

Love him with your heart wide open and don't let society or other people dictate what will or will not "hurt" you. Hurt is only a story in your mind. If he meets other women, talks to them even has sex with them, it won't matter unless you let the story in your mind define it as "wrong" and "hurtful."

Choose to be happy regardless of the circumstances that he chooses.

Choose to love him even during a time that he is trying to redefine himself.

[Silent Lucidity]

Originally Posted by Elrond

Stopped reading there.

Hi, I don't know what you meant. Isn't there any light humor allowed here?

[Silent Lucidity]

We talked about rebound, and we both felt there was a lot more going on than just that, as we are similar and compatable on so many levels. That, however, was in the beginning.

A couple months ago he said that in the very beginning he thinks he was trying to find a 'replacement' for her. So rebound is all the love he lost and still has for her, misplaced onto me... except he was always talking about my good qualities, the ways in which I was different...

[Silent Lucidity]

Originally Posted by marinik

How wide is the age gap? I have a 11 year gap. It was nothing when he was 39 but now he is 60 it is huge! Think about it.

Yes, I know, and that's another issue, but I don't think that's so bad as long as both people have similar life-style choices. (My parents are old and still deeply happy with a 9 year gap). Right now, he has far more energy-for-life than I do! It is more than 11 years.

[Silent Lucidity]

Originally Posted by oBakasan

I know how the guy feels since I'm in a similar situation.

On one hand I want to be with one person in a committed relationship, but on the other hand I want to see more about the world and explore my sexual preferences to the fullest with different partners.

If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs then I think that the "urge" that you are referring to is simply that his social needs were repressed for so long that he simply can't resist fulfilling them now.

If the connection between you is strong then I would let him have his way for now and come back to you when he's satiated (which would happen eventually, at least if I judge from my own experiences).

EDIT: To add, if you decide to forbid him from doing it, then again judging by my own self, it would probably put a serious strain on what you have already and I don't think your bond would survive that, no matter how strong.

Yes that's the feeling I get. If it were anyone else, I'd have to tell them to date me exclusively or look elsewhere. In this situation, I think he does need this freedom. I'd rather let him have it, and hope he comes back, than have him resentful later on.

[Eisho]

Protect yourself and let him find his way. Don't let it get to the point where (possibly) you are the one who ends up getting hurt. The thing is if there is going to be any problem now is the best time to find out, not later when you have invested your time and energy into a failed relationship.

Cheers,

Eisho

[Silent Lucidity]

As far as the title of my post, I wasn't bragging, as some might have thought, but rather gently making fun of myself and at the same time in a great deal of pain over this.

It feels almost Karmic. So rebound must be all love he had for his wife, he was so happy to have once again when he found me. He projected all that love onto me, and that's what I felt, the force of that much love is what I fell in love with. So from a male/female polarity perspective, I'm experiencing the result of how well she treated him (very well) and now, at the thought of loosing him, I'm experiencing the exact type of pain he went through when she left.

Does this mean I'll have to be married for thirty years before I can feel close to this type of love for someone again? It's a deep selfless love of the type I've never felt before. The pain is just that he won't let us just exsist-without-judgement while he's going through this.

What I need to know is not how to let him go, I'm doing that, but how to lessen the pain I'm going through as a result. It's almost debilitating.

[Silent Lucidity]

Originally Posted by Eisho

Protect yourself and let him find his way. Don't let it get to the point where (possibly) you are the one who ends up getting hurt. The thing is if there is going to be any problem now is the best time to find out, not later when you have invested your time and energy into a failed relationship.

Cheers,

Eisho

Thanks for your advice. How do I 'protect myself' I'm assuming you mean my heart.

[Silent Lucidity]

I was 'unavailable' (out) the last few days, and now he's missing me already... also starting to truly grieve for her on the friend-level. This is good.

Feeling stronger already. Planning to be 'out' a lot more. Got to love myself in this situation.