Should I give her a second chance?

[harmonica]

So I've been pursuing a long-distance relationship with a girl who lives across the country. Things started off in the town where we attended college together, where I currently live. In the past few weeks we've been talking on the phone pretty much nightly, telling each other that we like each other, can't wait to see each other, etc. She's scheduled to visit me this weekend.

Problem is, she's recently got out of a long-term (one-year+) relationship with another student from our college. Last night I learned that they had started talking again about a week ago and that he's planning on visiting her next weekend.

This is my dilemma:
I feel rather hurt and betrayed by her. Not so much by the fact that she wants to talk about things with her ex, but more so by the fact that she didn't tell me. I really like this girl and really trust her but feel that my trust has been violated.

I feel like I have two choices:

1. Leave the invitation open for her to visit this weekend. We could talk things out and I would know where she and I stood exactly. We could also talk about any expectations either of us has for the other.

2. Tell her not to come. She would be free to figure out where she is with her ex and decide if she wants to get together with me at a later date. At the same time, I would be free to pursue other girls while she's figuring stuff out.

Thank you for reading and for your support. I would be tremendously appreciative for any thoughts or advice you would be willing to share.

[garentee]

Tell her to come this weekend and just do something fun. Once expectations come into the mix it becomes a whole different ballgame. It is not easy to let go of expectations,desire fear and lust.... but it can be done. In my opinion all you have in the present with this woman is a friendship.What happens next is anyones guess and will be determined by your next few interactions. I certainly know how hard it is when you really like someone and you spend some time wondering what the other person is doing. At that point I have found it very instructive to concentrate on what you are doing and let them be. If she wants to be with you she will be with you. Hope this helps..G

[Dedekind]

I say dump her and get on with life. Otherwise, who knows what the hell might happen? You two get married. But after 10 years she divorces you because she suddenly realizes she still wants to talk to that old guy. Then what will you do with your kids? You'd be doomed. Get out. If you are in love with her, it will be harder. But after 2 years you'll be over it and you will feel like a free man.

[SomeRandomGuy]

I would suggest talking with her about this. In my opinion communication is the most important part of any relationship. If you can't work through this with communication then it is probably a sign that there are more issues with the relationship. Good luck.

[Angela]

Why do you insist that her having a friend coming to visit and not telling you about it is a "betrayal"? She does not owe you that information, and unless you and she have agreed to an exclusive relationship, it's not your concern. She's not betraying you unless you create it as betrayal. You could also create it in your life as this woman you like and admire taking her own next right actions, and having appropriate boundaries in her life.

Since this bugs you, it might be worth looking at how you're using her as a mirror. What are you being withholding or betrayish about? In what ways are you not trusting yourself?

If you like this woman and want to have a loving relationship, romantic or platonic, don't hold her hostage to your own issues. Free her, and mostly yourself, from the tyranny of beliefs that tie a knot in the hose of your generosity. Be welcoming, warm arms for her to walk into. Or if you're not willing to do that, then let her go with love.

[Call me Boges]

This is an elementary equation my friend.

boy + girl + long distance relationship = nonononoononono!

[mattpd]

improve your dating skills, so you don't need to chase women on the other side of the country.

Or you could just poke yourself in the eye with a fork to prepare for the emotional pain should you consider continuing this 'relationship'.

[Kuresu]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why do you insist that her having a friend coming to visit and not telling you about it is a "betrayal"? She does not owe you that information, and unless you and she have agreed to an exclusive relationship, it's not your concern. She's not betraying you unless you create it as betrayal.

Listen to the word of wisdom. As far as I can see, you're not exactly in a relationship. Actually unless you are regularly sleeping with her, thus qualifying the relation as a boyfriend/girlfriend, you can't say a thing. As a matter of fact, she might be using you for emotional issues. Don't enter in that game.

Now if you really like her, just accept you're not the boyfriend yet. And even if you were, she has a perfect right to see her ex. It doesn't mean they'll sleep with each other. They just had an intimate relationship and realized that they might not fit together. Stop acting as if you needed her approval. Stop acting jealous too at this stage, as she'll think you have issues. When she comes, organize a fun week-end. If a relationship sprouts, so be it. If it doesn't, it's fine too : there are other girls.