Why do people get married?

[MissK]

Outside of social conditioning, What were or would be your reasons to make such a vow- you may not be happy in 2, 10 or 20 years but feel like you have to keep trying to work it out because of a promise you made long ago at a completely different place of your life's development?

isn't it almost forcibly pulling your life down one path when had you not been married who knows what different places you might have gone and followed your heart? Is it security? if so, isn't having yourself, good family or friends or even long time lovers enough? Why make a vow that there is no way of looking into future to see if you want to keep it?

Or is it that as you get older and can basically see what kind of path your life is taking you are able to fit someone in that seems like they'll be on the same path for a while?

Is it just for children? I don't believe in one soul mate. I think people can deeply connect romantically with any number of choices if they are mature enough to know how to make relationships work. So why a particular one person? I ask on this board because from other less aware people you get less thought out knee jerk responses. Id like a perspective from those more conscious.

You can never really know. So why? If this life is about living in present moment, why make a contract for the future?

[fainaent]

I want to get married because of my beliefs, to put it simply. There was a period in my life where I questioned my beliefs, did a lot of introspection, and praying. I have gained a very strong conviction that God wants me to find a righteous woman to marry. In my religion, we marry not just for this lifetime, but for eternity. Families are central to our purpuse in life, and will continue after mortality. I am looking for someone who is as concerned as I am with self development, so we can help each other every day.

If it weren't for my beliefs, I would probably marry for my children. I would want them to see that commitment is important in life. When things become difficult, it's better to work through them than say 'well, we don't really owe each other anything. It's been nice'.

Really, there are a lot of reasons why I want to marry, but the strongest one is from my beliefs. Without my beliefs, I would see no purpose in life, and I don't think I would ever be very happy...

[JimOfferman]

My friends got married because they decided they want to spend the rest of their lives together (as I'm sure they will).

That, to me, is the only really good reason to do it.

And, yes, I believe that is a choice you can make.

[ns123]

If you see marriage as a social construct that shackles you, by all means, do not get married. If you see marriage as a loving commitment between you and another individual, as your commitment to support each other, be there for one another, no matter what, to feel more connected as a human being to another human being, well, marriage is right for you.

If you don't need that "piece of paper" or "social approval" good on you. I can't tell you why I want to be married as opposed to just a declaration of love. Oh wait, being married is a form of a declaration of love. Is it better than other declarations of love? I don't believe so, but I know the this form (marriage) is the right one for me.

So why get married? Because it was the right form for me to formally declare my connection, love, continuing commitment to another human being.

And marriage also affords you some legal benefits too, but I didn't get married for those. Though they are a good bonus thrown in.

[NeedMyCoffee]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

My friends got married because they decided they want to spend the rest of their lives together (as I'm sure they will).

Originally Posted by ns123

If you see marriage as a social construct that shackles you, by all means, do not get married. If you see marriage as a loving commitment between you and another individual, as your commitment to support each other, be there for one another, no matter what, to feel more connected as a human being to another human being, well, marriage is right for you.

I agree with both posters.

I got married because I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband. It may sound cliche, but I "just knew". My husband and I had a whirlwind romance, we were engaged 2 months after we met and married 4 months later. We have been married for almost 21 years (Feb). There have been ups and downs, but our commitment to each other never waivered. We are honestly more in love now than we were 20 years ago. We still hold hands, kiss each other hello/good-bye, tell each other "I love you" and we have a great sex life. Are we soul mates? That's subjective, but I know we are definitely life mates.

If you are questioning marriage, don't do it. If you don't think it will bring you joy, don't do it. You shouldn't let society force you into something you will be unhappy with. That is why divorce rates are so high, people feel they have to get married.

There is no guarantee that you will be happy in 2, 10 or 20 years. You have to do what is right for you, whether it is today or 10 years from now. Some people grow apart and some grow closer, but you will always learn great things from the experience.

[Cyllya]

"Marriage" = two people in a romantic relationship agreeing to a life-long loving commitment to each other? There are two definitions of the word and that is not either of them. A religious marriage is basically a sanction from God to be able to make babies without committing a sin. A legal marriage is basically the government's way of recognizing two otherwise unrelated or distantly related people who live together (or don't) are a family unit, rather than roommates (or nothing), and having various laws apply to you accordingly. Combining either or both of those with the romantic commitment thing is a relatively recent development, and you can of course have the romantic commitment without either kind of marriage.

And someone's reasons for making a romantic commitment are obviously different than their reasons for getting a marriage license.

I want to make a romantic commitment because I really do want just one person to be my romantic partner for the rest of my life. I want a family, and this person will be my partner the family, e.g. raising the kids, winning the bread, securing a residence, etc. It doesn't make sense to trade out a family member when you've gotten bored of him, especially if he's your kids' father. :P

[mattpd]

My personal opinion.

I taught dancing for a while to soon-to-be-married couples.

They brought in a song and over 4 or 6 lessons I taught them a routine to Tango, Waltz or Rumba to in front of their guests. I think I learned the most about relationships ever during this period.

This may sound completely cynical but maybe 1 out of 4, or 1 out of 5 even, couples were that amazing couple that seemed like they meant to be together. Communication, chemistry, the ability to have fun, and be happy together, and simply were a really good team.

The rest seemed like social pressure made them do it, or she really wanted to get married and he was just there at the time, or he was completely domineering and she was a push-over, or they were religious, or maybe they felt it was the right thing to do, or like I'm only guessing here, but I felt myself being extremely awful and guessing how long they'd be together.

So in my opinion if you are in the first category, if you met someone and you really hit it off, initial relationship period excluded, like if you are a golden couple, and its like completely amazing, then do it. Some people are magic together, and its just beautiful.

If you are in the second category, then I think don't do it. Which would cut marriage rates down my 80%, but who cares.

Also, people have a different viewpoint for success of marriage also. Some people think staying together and not getting divorced is success, and I disagree completely with that notion. Happiness is the only measurement of success in my opinion. Its a success if you are happy, single, married or in-between.

[Mewwy]

People get married because it makes them happier.

Why do homosexuals in US struggle on the law level, and try so hard to get married when they can still technically be together forever if they wish to?

I dunno. Maybe there's a teeny bit of natural instinct for the desire of getting married, although most people would agree that marriage is a man-made ritual .

[bluemoon]

Mewwy, as I'm taking family law, I will tell you that there are hundreds of legal benefits you can receive by actually getting married. Insurance benefits, death benefits, house buying... and that's not even considering any children gay couples bring into the union. Without those rights, they're deprived of any official legal or societal recognition of their relationship, period.

And marriage began as a way for men to ensure their offspring were their own (because how else can a man ensure any children are his unless he has sole sexual access to the wife?) It really was never anything remotely romantic until much more recently, and arguably now it can still be a financial/sexual transaction.

All the cynical stuff aside, I've been with someone who is completely awesome and a great partner for almost 4 years (unmarried). I would consider marriage, but I hate frou frou weddings, engagement rings, and the idea of changing my name- so it would be totally bare bones. I'm such a romantic

[jfrancis]

I agree with bluemoon. I think the best reasons to get married are legal ones. I think that's why there has been a big push for homosexual marriage; there are certain rights you have as a married couple- hospital rights, children, etc. Pretty practical stuff, and you need that piece of paper, or at least it makes things a heck of a lot easier. What I don't understand is why the 'till death do us part' vows keep getting written into the contract, it doesn't have to be that way at all. It's just overly romantic and naive to think that I will never ever change, and I wouldn't want to bind my partner in that way, either. So why do people get married, though? In my opinion: insecurity.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MissK

isn't it almost forcibly pulling your life down one path when had you not been married who knows what different places you might have gone and followed your heart?

It was because I followed my heart that I got married.

[Lauxa]

I got married because my parents pressured me into it when I was "living in sin". And I had a wedding because my in-laws pressured me into it. (I wanted to elope, but MIL eloped and regretted it so I was strongly pressured to have a wedding.)

I probably still would have gotten married but I might have waited a bit longer and gotten a better legal framework in place first. I suspect that some pre-wedding legal family planning would have been a good idea.

I also see marriage as a financial arrangement. I took almost 5 years out of my career to devote my time to childcare and I am just now getting back into part-time work. Because of marriage, I know that half of everything that we've acquired in that time period is legally mine. I've also had insurance and benefits through his company due to our being married.

[jtracy]

I think that marriage is something you do because you want to, not because you are pressured into it because your parents want you to or because society thinks it's the right thing to do. It's a very personal decision, just as the decision whether to have children is.

One reason to get married is so that your children will have two reliable parents. It is very important for children to see that two people can love each other and them. As much as possible, both a father and a mother should be living with them so that they can learn about relationships and love and how to bring up children. It's safer for them too. One of the biggest threats to children is their mother's boyfriend.

Another reason is the emotional and financial security that marriage would bring. It makes it easier to plan ahead. The thought of being with someone for the rest of your life can be very appealing. That's important to a lot of people, though perhaps not everyone.

It is definately true that we might make a "mistake" and choose someone who grows and changes in a different direction than we do. I am divorced myself. However, mistakes are a part of life. The only way to completely avoid making mistakes is to never do anything. And then you would be even more miserable than you ever would with trying to deal with any mistakes you made. At some point, you have to trust your intuition and see where it takes you. If it seems "right" to get married, then do it. But don't do it just because someone told you to.

[pterodactyl]

I got married because I had found the best man in the world and was not about to let him get away without a fight! Actually, I viewed my decision to marry as an opportunity to express my commitment and respect, not only to my husband but also to his family and my own. Showing that love through accepting his proposal and marrying him was one way I could communicate my feelings. When your love grows in a relationship it radiates out to those around you, and I've found that marrying has simply increased and strengthened that. I love being married; together, we shine. I love being a wife, I love nurturing my husband and our home, I love building a life with him, and I love how marriage has changed me for the better and has brought healing into the lives of our family and friends. My husband has gained the brothers he always wanted but never had; I have the love of an entire tribe of wonderful people who are helping me grow and will walk beside me the rest of my life.

Sure, there are scary divorce stories and statistics, and both my husband and I come from parents who divorced, but we don't even focus on that for a moment. I'm too busy loving to borrow trouble. I imagine us slow-dancing through the apocalypse; while everything falls apart we can't take our eyes from each other.

So that was a bit of a ramble.. but my thoughts are that you should get married if and when it is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself and the world.

Amber

[ns123]

mattpd,

I think that these couples you are talking about may not embody your idea of a happy marriage. But they embody their own idea of a happy marriage.

I find myself doing the same thing some times. Judging other couples. One couple I know, the husband totally dominates the wife - and not in a good way either. He totally controls her. But some how, it works for them. Who am I to say that's not a happy marriage? It would not be happy for me, but it seems to work for them. How, I don't know, it would not work for me.

Another couple I know, it seems like the husband is totally "whipped" if you know what I mean. She's constantly telling him what to do, how to do it, etc. And if you see them on the surface, well, she looks like a total controlling freak. What you don't see, unless you spend a lot of time with them, is how she serves him. Cooks for him. Puts food in front of him. Manages the household, the bills, the supplies, plans the meals, plans their vacations, is always ready with a cold lemonade if he's working in the yard, etc. Things that he needs magically appear at his side when he needs it. But you don't see this until you spend real personal time with them.

So I'm just saying. As a dance instructor, you're not really seeing the whole picture to really make a accurate judgement. My point is, it's not entirely fair to say, wow, they won't last, or hey, they may be together, but they are not really happy. Who am I to say that? It seems to work well for them.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by jfrancis

What I don't understand is why the 'till death do us part' vows keep getting written into the contract, it doesn't have to be that way at all. It's just overly romantic and naive to think that I will never ever change, and I wouldn't want to bind my partner in that way, either.

Wow, excellent point - I never thought of it that way.

[SomeRandomGuy]

It seems to me that the only reasons being given for getting married that can't also be achieved without marriage are religious or legal reasons. I have been married for a little over 10 years, and have never regretted the decision. Knowing what I know now, however, I don't think that I would get married again. I fully plan on staying with my wife for the rest of my life. I don't need a government issued piece of paper in order to do that though. While marriage is considered the ultimate sign of love and commitment in our society, there is no reason that some other gesture can't hold just as much meaning in a relationship. With the current divorce rate and the bans on homosexual marriage I think that any true meaning that the idea of marriage once had is gone.

I am not against people getting married, if that is what they want. Personally, however, I have come to the conclusion that marriage has little real value in our society. I think that couples can have the same commitment to one another without marriage as they can have with it. That is, of course, unless you want/need the approval of the government or church, in which case marriage is your only option.

[Holistic Star]

I know before my H and I got married that we were looking at the legal rights of next of kin etc and working out if we could get those rights for each other by going to a lawyer and making a declaration of some kind. Then it was like, well why the hell not just get married? It wasn't for government or religious approval though.

I love being married. I love the fact we've made a commitment to each other and that commitment extends to working through the difficult patches together as well as the good.

I'm not naive about this. We both come from divorced parents, so we know what can go wrong and how badly that it can affect children. I want to give my future children the stability I didn't have and to that end have chosen to treat my H very differently than my parents treated each other. However if it comes to a point where we really just aren't happy together and can't work through it then I conceed that it would be better to split up at that point.

Being married does change how I feel. It isn't 'just a piece of paper' to me.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by MissK

isn't it almost forcibly pulling your life down one path when had you not been married who knows what different places you might have gone and followed your heart? Is it security? if so, isn't having yourself, good family or friends or even long time lovers enough? Why make a vow that there is no way of looking into future to see if you want to keep it?

It's about being able to make a lifelong commitment. Nobody is forced into it. It's chosen. It's saying you love someone and trust them completely and enough that you want to be committed to them for life because you know they'll do the same for you. It's about family and creating something bigger than yourself. Some people choose to have more shallow relationships with no commitment. That's a choice too. No relationship is deeper than a good marriage because it's the only lifelong one that is chosen by your own free will. There's no bailing out in a good marriage. It's something that you build for life. It can be tougher, but ultimately it can be the greatest thing in life.

[MissK]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I think the love and commitment is wonderful. I WAS just in a place trying to figure out how do you know if its worth ending. It gets tough but if you make a lifelong commitment, when its tough or unhappy, when does one know to keep trying until its better because we still love each other and want to be together despite everything coming up versus this isn't worth it because there is other love in the world? Do you put timeline on it in marriage? If we are not happier by 6 months we end? Or maybe one year? 2?

ANYWAY that WAS my dilemma. I was really questioning my reasons and commitment in my relationship. Thats why i asked the specific question why do people get married, to remind myself why it was or wasn't worth it from others perspective. It was exactly what i needed. Reading your responses and Steve's book last night really gave me fresh perspective of what i want to do. In the book, Steve said he and Erin went through many times they thought it really wouldn't work. But what truly helped was my looking at the situation straight in the eye with truth.

Many times Steve asks 'is this me? does this path have heart?' Its amazing how much of my life i had to face and decide to abandon and am now working on setting on my true path- the one with heart that i really want, not what i settled for.

When it came to my relationship i was so scared to face it because i didn't want to ask and my answer would be to end it. I had come to a place of doubting us and wondering whether it would truly serve me to end it. Scared as i was, i was ready to accept the truth nonetheless. i asked myself honestly if it still had heart, if this was what i wanted, regardless of the work my silly thoughts kept raising before me and i had the clearest, most resolute YES in my spirit. No doubt. In my clarity and looking with truth, power and love, without walls and defense, i know exactly what we need to do to save it.

The solutions were right there in front of me but i never let them in. Too busy trying to protect myself from pain to evaluate the situation clearly. Both of our authentic selves had checked out long ago and we have been dealing with our defensive untrue selves. As soon as i let my authentic vulnerable self show to him, his wall was absolutely demolished also. I am happier than ever and cant wait to see him tonight. We spoke with lots of apologies this morning and tonight is going to be the first of our weekly nothing but time together Wednesday night, which we also instituted this morning. Thanks everyone!!

[fainaent]

Originally Posted by MissK

Thanks for the replies guys.

I think the love and commitment is wonderful. I WAS just in a place trying to figure out how do you know if its worth ending. It gets tough but if you make a lifelong commitment, when its tough or unhappy, when does one know to keep trying until its better because we still love each other and want to be together despite everything coming up versus this isn't worth it because there is other love in the world? Do you put timeline on it in marriage? If we are not happier by 6 months we end? Or maybe one year? 2?

ANYWAY that WAS my dilemma. I was really questioning my reasons and commitment in my relationship. Thats why i asked the specific question why do people get married, to remind myself why it was or wasn't worth it from others perspective. It was exactly what i needed. Reading your responses and Steve's book last night really gave me fresh perspective of what i want to do. In the book, Steve said he and Erin went through many times they thought it really wouldn't work. But what truly helped was my looking at the situation straight in the eye with truth.

Many times Steve asks 'is this me? does this path have heart?' Its amazing how much of my life i had to face and decide to abandon and am now working on setting on my true path- the one with heart that i really want, not what i settled for.

When it came to my relationship i was so scared to face it because i didn't want to ask and my answer would be to end it. I had come to a place of doubting us and wondering whether it would truly serve me to end it. Scared as i was, i was ready to accept the truth nonetheless. i asked myself honestly if it still had heart, if this was what i wanted, regardless of the work my silly thoughts kept raising before me and i had the clearest, most resolute YES in my spirit. No doubt. In my clarity and looking with truth, power and love, without walls and defense, i know exactly what we need to do to save it.

The solutions were right there in front of me but i never let them in. Too busy trying to protect myself from pain to evaluate the situation clearly. Both of our authentic selves had checked out long ago and we have been dealing with our defensive untrue selves. As soon as i let my authentic vulnerable self show to him, his wall was absolutely demolished also. I am happier than ever and cant wait to see him tonight. We spoke with lots of apologies this morning and tonight is going to be the first of our weekly nothing but time together Wednesday night, which we also instituted this morning. Thanks everyone!!

I'm really glad to hear it The more you are open with each other like that, the more enjoyably your time together is going to be. Congratulations

[Dannyboy1]

I'm happy for you!

[Silent Lucidity]

I'm happy for you too. Having a lot of questions about marriage lately, as being close to someone going through a lot of pain in this area, having been recently divorced.

As I've never been married, I can't say much about it. I do know that if I found the right person to share my life with, I would do it. I would have to be deeply in love with them, and also objectively determine them to be a 'good person', a man of integrity, honesty, stability, intelligence, kindness, humor, perception, caring, oh and be adaptable, so we could grow together.

I think there's a lot to be said for commitment, having another human being to truly depend on in this life, through all the changes, and to share that with someone as well.