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09-30-2008, 02:28 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
 |  My first post...Dealing with separation after 17 years
I have just joined the community here. I have lurked and found most of the advice to my liking. I have been married for 17 years. Last November she told me that she isn't in love with me. I moved out in June hoping to give her some space. I feel like my life was a joke, and I find it hard at times to keep pressing on. My whole story is in my blog. Just yesterday she told me that I need to get over our marriage and my love for her. She told me that she finds me condescending, and she feels that I think I am better than her. I know that I come off that way at times, and I have been working on myself for 6 months now. Please read my story if you have time and give me some advice either here of on my blog. I am still a wreck inside!!!! "...if you only applied yourself." Last edited by Brianohio; 09-30-2008 at 02:30 PM. Reason: oops! forgot url |
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09-30-2008, 04:36 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 170
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Hi Brian, After reading the posts in your blog, I feel that I relate with you on many levels. Several months ago, my ex suddenly said she didn't feel 'in love' with me anymore. My world crubmled. We were together for a decade, and she was my 'rock' - the one person I could count on. No matter how bad things ever seemed, she always managed to clear the clouds. It has been the most difficult time of my life, and my self-esteem went sub-zero, but my survival instincts are re-emerging. I know you must be going through a lot, and I applaud that you have made the conscious decision to pull yourself up and not drown in your sorrows. Even in suffering, there is a lesson for us to learn, and perhaps in the big picture of life this will be the event that really changes us for the better.. |
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09-30-2008, 05:16 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
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Lenie...Nice of you to hang out, thanks! catalyst... I appreciate you posting your words of encouragement. There are so many questions, and so much seems surreal. I am trying to come to grips that I will never be her husband again, but deep inside I just can't give up. If troubled times find you, feel free to email me or post a comment on my blog. I would be glad to do anything I can to help you through this, I know how much it hurts! |
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09-30-2008, 05:29 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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Hey, Brian, welcome to the forums, and I hope you get boatloads of value here. I am very sorry for the pain you're going through. And I'm going to jump right in with what I think, so please pardon my brusqueness! From your photo, you look like a very attractive guy a la Tom Hanks. You are well-spoken and clearly intelligent, a loving father; you seem to have a very big heart, full of love and the desire to make a positive difference in the world. In short, you're a catch. So it didn't work out with S.; that doesn't mean anything about you. You are lovable, and her choices don't alter that even one tiny bit. And. Oh my goodness, Brian -- your website is so hangdog! It's so full of focus on what you don't want (e.g. feeling bad) disguised by "I'm committed to transforming NOW" talk. How I would love to hear you focus on what you want -- to hear the story of how vital and delicious and exciting you are, the story of the life you'd like to inspire your kids by living. I'd love to hear your willingness to give up your focus on S. (hurt-paint-separation) and your willingness to be available to a life (and maybe even a woman) you're in love with. You might not be there yet, but there will be more room for what you want if you practice letting go of what you don't want. In other words, to paint your own room! (symbolically speaking.  )Quote:
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09-30-2008, 06:09 PM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
| Quote:
Hee hee! I'm sorry if that's impertinent; I'm just trying to illustrate the power of thoughts that deliberately feel good when you think them. It just doesn't take a huge transformation to shift the focus of your thoughts from what you don't want to what you do want, and just shifting your focus puts you on a new path and a new way of being.
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09-30-2008, 06:22 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
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Angela... I am spending my last hour here at work after 16 years saying goodbye to everyone, but wanted to take a minute to reply. Your post meant a lot to me. You made me realize that I have been negative. Actually, I guess I did know that but didn't want to admit it. Thanks! That was the kind of insight I hoped to find here. I was surprised that it came as quickly as it did! Like I said, I am saying goodbyes, but I plan on posting more about this later... Thank You!!! Brian |
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10-01-2008, 12:11 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 143
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Thats harsh! But relationship break-ups are usually an amazing catalyst for personal growth. You have an awesome opportunity to really enjoy life, and make yourself into an even more amazing person. Enjoy your new found freedom, and get yourself into a position where you look at the past and there is no way you'd go back to that! There must be a better opportunity out there for you, or you two wouldn't have broken up. |
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10-01-2008, 01:43 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
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mattpd... I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around my life improving without her. I truly appreciate you taking the time to encourage me to grow. Give me time, I'll come around. Angela... When I read your post earlier, it was the first time in a long time that I had a woman make me feel proud of myself. I am a good guy. I do have a lot to offer, but in my head I already offered and was accepted. Still, you are right that I am too focused on Steph and not on myself. I am still having growing pains, way too often. The thing is she was my everything. I have never loved anyone more than I love her (kids aside...). I had no idea and in my own way, I am trying to figure this mess out because I get very little input from her. I called my counselor today to set up an appointment. I want to work on thinking positively. I want to work on being happy. Your reply had slot to do with that. Thanks! (by the way, you just cost me $100)....of course I'm JUST KIDDING!!! ...I am not kidding when I say thank you. You made me feel great! |
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10-01-2008, 02:38 PM
| #15 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Canada
Posts: 298
| well a few things come to mind... Quote:
But you aren't going to fix that by giving her space and moving out - that was wrong and doesn't work. While you are out of the family home and living away from your family, your wife is using you to heal emotionally and get over you and in the process you are feeling worse about yourself and getting nowhere fast - correct me if I'm wrong. If I am right, let me know how good it feels to be in your position right about now? First things first, get your life together. Go to the gym, buy some new clothes, get a haircut, change your image, re-invent yourself. The quickest way to stop feeling bad about the poor slob you are right now is to stop being that person. If your wife has no intention of reconciling, seeking marital counselling, etc, then sell the house and split up the assets. Another thing.. who told you that you had to move out? What was this instinct that says, "hey, I'll move out and a few months from now she'll ask me to come back!!!" That doesn't happen. I would go so far as to move back in the family home. She doesn't have more rights to it than you do. Unless you were physically abusing her (and if you were, you're a bum, no one is allowed to physically abuse anyone, man or woman), there is no reason why you can't live in your house. If she asks why you're back, tell her the lease is up on your apartment and your home is more comfortable. If she doesn't like it, offer the option to her that she can move out and you will even offer to help her move to a new place. It's 2008, soon to be 2009. Men & Women are equal - there is nothing saying that you owe her the house and every possession while you live like a mook in some dingy apartment. Have some self-respect man, ask your wife to give you back the raisins you used to call balls, I'm sure they are somewhere in her purse. OK, how did that feel to hear all that, not pretty good right? Obviously not but after reading your site, you're very down on yourself. Don't you have anything going for you? I'll say it. You're a good guy, maybe you screwed up with your wife a bit but that doesn't make you Osama bin Ladin. Do you work, pay bills, taxes, take care of your kids. Don't you think you should receive some credit for that. You were lazy with your wife and condescending - probably but that isn't a tattoo that can't be changed/removed. Do you want to improve? Do you want a better life? If so start showing it to your family, your kids, your friends, your wife(ex) and most importantly to yourself. Time for a wake up call.... YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Today is the first day of the rest of your life, take a step in the right direction and become a better person for yourself and stop letting people run all over you. You sound more like a doormat than a human being. Don't let people treat you like that and more importantly start believing that you deserve better treatment. There are two people in a relationship, you didn't do everything wrong all by yourself, she did some bad things too - I can guarantee it. Stop assuming all the faults and guilt of this failed relationship because in the end, it truly wasn't all your fault. Hope I didn't come off too strongly but sometimes a person needs a jolt to snap out of their funk. | |
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10-01-2008, 08:12 PM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
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robc... First off, I actually thank you for being so honest. I agree with you that she had as much to do with our deimse as I did. It was not all my fault. I know that, but at the same time I am sorry for what was my fault. My wife thinks that I am cocky and I probably am under "regular" circumstances. I feel horrible for taking her for granted. I know that I would have changed if she had EVER mentioned that she was unhappy. I didn't get a single clue. I am not a mind reader. I am just second guessing everything that I have done for the past twenty years. I know that I can't stay stuck in the past and that I do have many things going for me. I also know that I can change the things that I want to in myself, I still hold on to the hope that we will grow old together. I appreciate the wake up call. I have questioned the fairness of me being the one to move out. I suggested that she should since she was not happy. Guess what, another argument occurred. I figured that I could move out and give her some space. It does seem that I have moved out, and things are the same for her. It does seem that she has given me no thought. I agreed to be the one to move and that was probably not smart. I did it for her. I still love her and that's what you do for the ones you love. On the upside, I have changed my wardrobe, been working out and meditating. I also have a different haricut. I might even have a little less gray around the temples. I have been tryng to reinvent myself. I have a new job, and have been working on computers on the side. I am not a door mat, but at times I do feel very emotional. I write about it and it helps. I should start writing about the good feelings and experiences that I still have. My presence on the web is not as balanced as I think I am. I do not spend all my time worrying and being upset. I do have good times and want to have them more than bad ones. I am here to absorb things and start to live my life to it's fullest. I am changing, I will be ok. |
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10-01-2008, 09:01 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Canada
Posts: 298
| Since you're in agreement with some of what I had to say, continue further... Quote:
I am glad to hear that you are changing and that you will be ok, because YOU WILL BE OK. Couple things... 1. You still hold on to the hope that you will grow old together. I'm not against nostalgia, love, hope, being romantic, etc. But one thing... doe she feel the same way? You keep pulling and she keeps pushing away. How do you feel with that carrot being dangled infront of you, something you seem to never be able to reach, you can't talk to her, she argues you on every point. Let me guess, frustrating as heck, your heart is on your sleeve and she couldn't care less it seems. 2. You are still looking for her approval when you questioned if she should move out. Why are you even asking? Just tell her, is life only supposed to be fair for her and not for you? What are you waiting for? She isn't giving any thought to your living arrangements in fact she is updating the place to remove whatever presence of you still remains in that house. Move back in and if she doesn't like it, too bad for her. I'm not against you loving her but you have to love yourself first & foremost, she can't love or respect someone who doesn't love or respect themselves - it's a subconscious thing, trust me. Start placing yourself first, you currently let her determine your value and that's wrong because she will consistently place you at the bottom - you're giving her no other reason to think otherwise. More in a bit, I'm really enjoying this conversation. | |
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10-01-2008, 11:24 PM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
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robc... I guess what I know that you don't is that for years I have been selfish. I never thought of others unless it was after I thought of myself. When all this went down I realized that I didn't give the care and support that she needed. I regret that and am the definition of sorry. It was different in the beginning. We took time for each other. As time went on we got caught up in tasks. I also think that she has questions about her life. things really went downhill when she turned forty. I know that she has to deal with her own issues and I really hope she finds happiness. Anyway, this pitiful side of me has really only appeared since I took a look at selfishness that I had for many years. So I am reluctant to follow the selfish route right now. Been there, done that, dug the hole deeper. Granted, this isn't exactly fun....  |
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10-01-2008, 11:59 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 128
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If there is no third party then there is still a chance to reconcile. I would not give up without a fight if I were you, 17 years together and kids are worth fighting for. It will be harder if there is third party involved. I went through the same experience few years ago. Couple get lazy and complacent after being with each other for a long time and start taking each other for granted. We went through a trial separation but my partner refused to give up without a fight. He cleaned himself up nicely, went to the gym, lost a lot of weight, gave up drinking, worked harder etc. In short, turn himself around 180 in the short span of 2 months. We talked and we fought. then we talked and fought some more. We opened up a lot of issues that were developped but hidden over the years. He became more proactive in our life and start planning for short getaway etc. Cut the story short, our separation lasted 3 months and we were back together and continue working on our issues as a couple. It took about a year for us to get over the whole separation thing and become a true couple again. But our relationship has become much stronger as the results. He no longer taken the relationship for granted, I now know I have a partner who loves me dearly and willing to do anything to keep us together. So I agree with Rob. Do not move out of your marital home. You can stay in separate rooms but stay together and work it out. That said, you are the only one who really know what happened in your relationship in the last 17 years and how it gets to where it is today. We can only give you our opinion based on our personal experience. |
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10-02-2008, 12:27 AM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: east coast, USA
Posts: 1,628
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Sometimes a sudden breakup of a long-term relationship is almost like a grieving process. I could tell you that in time you will feel much better and the pain will fade, but you may not believe me right now. I enjoyed your web site. It's refreshing to see such open honestly. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your meditation approach. I need to try that more often. Hang in there! Things will improve. It's wonderful you're using this as a learning opportunity to better yourself. Just don't get caught up in the blame cycle. Sometimes things just happen. Even if you did everything right and were Mr Perfect, it might not have mattered. May I suggest that the two of you go to a counselor together. The goal may not be to get you back together, but it's a journey of self discovery. Keep busy. This way you don't have time to dwell on the "whys" and the "what ifs". I'm sorry I can't do more to make you feel better. I know that you will sort all this out. You seem like a really good person. Things will work out for you. |
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10-02-2008, 03:49 AM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Canada
Posts: 298
| everyone is caught up in selfish being bad... Quote:
Selfish isn't bad, you are taking care of yourself and your needs, it's quite possible you were being neglected enough that you had to become selfish. Stop thinking you did everything wrong. You still have that mindset going on, you need to rid yourself of it. Moving back into YOUR home wouldn't be selfish, it's still YOUR home - you need stop thinking it would be a bad thing. If your wife gets to have the home to herself and rid herself of your presence in her life, doesn't that make her selfish? So you were selfish, and now she is selfish - how is that fixing anything? First & foremost, move back in or sell the home and split your assets. You currently have your tail between your legs and women are more attracted to men with dominant traits, not men that are push overs and are easy to walk over. | |
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10-03-2008, 05:18 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 73
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Again I am going to recommend the book "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It might help you get back together with your wife, or have better luck in future relationships. I really feel for what you're going through. I don't understand why women in marriage with wonderful men won't just talk to them about what's going on. |
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10-03-2008, 05:23 AM
| #24 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 73
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10-03-2008, 08:54 PM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
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mattpd... I have considered the hot young girlfriend route...tempting but not what I want right now. Since I have started my new job, it feels like a weight has been lifted. I just know that we will be ok financially again. I am confident that my pc business will take off because I have had more calls. Like I said, I considered the girlfriend route, but it would just be for sex, and to try to get over my wife. I do not want to get over her. Right now I know that it will work out between us. I have to believe in it, and I do. It seems like the clouds are parting and I can see my life clearly all just from making a major change in my life. I was afraid to take the new job. I was afraid of change. Now I am ready for changes. I am done thinking about what I don't want, I will focus on what I do want. I will get it. It's funny how one good thought makes more... silent lucidity...I will l check out the book, thanks |
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10-07-2008, 02:59 AM
| #27 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 73
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Hi, I really hope you work things out with your wife. I started a poorly-titled thread about this kind of situation from my perspective as I found the hot-young girlfriend line quite amusing. I'm not even that young and only somewhat hot,  I just see paralells here. I always encouraged him to get back together with his wife, to the point where I was actually telling him things he could do....try... say... but he has been so hurt by her affair, that he doesn't want her back anymore, though he's devistated. It would be best if they were back together, but she won't leave the new man, and now they are formally divorced. I think they're both just too proud. So don't let pride get in the way of getting back what you want, need and deserve. I am glad you got your new job, it really does sound like an upswing for you. Try the open-ness, the positive thinking, the manifesting, and let your actions ride on the current of positive thought, and everything will work out. Last edited by Silent Lucidity; 10-07-2008 at 03:04 AM. |
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