Making mistakes in a judgemental world

[marklang500]

I'm looking for input on how to overcome regret. For example. Lets say you cut someone off on the highway. It wasn't intentional, but you did it, you felt bad, and then as they pass they shake thier head and give you a glare.

Now, if they were to give the finger, then my regret would be turned to anger, but let's say they don't. Instead, they play thier hand perfectly, inflicting the maximum guilt possible without turning themselves into ugly people.

These sort of situations don't happen often, but they do happen. And when they do, I have a real hard time forgiving myself, because I know that out in the world there are complete strangers that haven't forgiven me. Not only have they not forgiven me, but they consider me incompetent on some level.

Seriously, they do. They have one thing to judge you on, one instance where you displayed incompetence. So forever to them you will just be the guy that doesn't know what he's doing.

Occasionally, this sort of thing happens with someone you DO know, and then the guilt is 10 times worse.

This weekend I was refereeing a 10 year olds football game, and I made a horrible call. And there was no possible way of fixing it. I basically robbed a kid from a whole lot of glory that he deserved. It was a bad call. So, the parents kinda shook thier heads, a little booing. Then suddenly a voice yelled my name. It was a guy I knew through business. He yelled, "Come on, Mark! He was not down! Let 'em play!"

I wish that kid had ignored my whistle and ran it in for the touchdown. At least then I would have been able to reverse my call. But he stopped short, and they didn't convert it in their remaining downs.

So it has been killing me all weekend. The embarrassment. I emailed an apology to the one guy I knew, but I haven't heard back. Here's a guy that knows me, knows my business, and now thinks I'm incompetent on some certain level. How can I let go of that? I already sent the apology, and the admition that it was a bad call. But there is no way I can fix it.

Uhhg. Here's the worst part. I always feel a sort of double standard is created when this sort of thing happens. Like now, if I am playing golf with that guy, he'll point out my errors in "golf ettiquette" more often than he would if I hadn't made the bad call on the football field. You know what I mean? It's like if you goof up, you suddenly become open game for any sort of criticism, even unrelated to football.

(I was playing golf with some guys that were much better than me once. We had all been standing behind whoever was teeing off on ALL the previous holes. Then came a hole where I found myself standing in the same spot as before, but this time the other guys happen to have been standing down by the carts. So the guy teeing off stopped and said, "I'm going to ask you to step over there". Of course, I said "Oh sure!" and I moved. But it p|ssed me off. It was literally no different. It really didn't have anything to do with his periferal vision, but more likely because I was annoying him with my round of 95 while they were shooting 79 he took the opportunity to smack me for standing in a bad spot. It is a double standard reserved for people that you respect vs. those that you don't respect. But I digress.)

The real issue of this thread is the guilt over goofing up, and saving face with the people you know, and gaining thier respect after a goof up.

[robc]

Allow yourself to make mistakes, learn from them and grow from them.

You're focusing on them to much, giving these mistakes too much power in your life and they in turn are running your life. Every move you make you have to over analyze, if I do this and screw up, someone is going to judge me and I'll like like I'm incompetent again... or something along that line.

Look at this way, you were the referee - how many other parents volunteered to perform that service? Probably not many - why? Along with inability to do that job, they don't have the guts to get in front of all those parents/people and players and make the tough calls which sometimes may not be correct.

It's a tough job, doesn't receive alot of thanks or praise yet everyone expects someone to do that job.

If people are going to be critical of you, let them, you can't control them or their actions or thoughts, you can only control what you do and how you react. If they want to act in a poor way, if they want to judge, let them, either way you can't control them - just control your reaction which would be to stop caring about what other people think about you.

Once you let go of that, you'll be be able to stop over-functioning and over-analyzing everything and you'll be able to do what you normally do without worrying about what another person thinks.

[Bradshaw]

Well, think of it the opposite way--Making no mistakes in a judgemental world.

In reality this is the kind of person who makes almost no mistakes, and then makes a big one and his peers see him do it. Two common reactions are:

High Standards: His friends/family/coworkers give him the disappointed glare. Taking your ability/work/skill for granted, as if you are supposed to perform at 100% all the time.

Jealousy: People believe you are somehow cheating, or they believe that your success comes from unfair means, or that you must be doing something illegal to be so excellent. Professional Athletes get this one a lot, for example.

It is important to not let complete strangers or people you don't respect all that much influence you, in any way. If the praise/criticism/judgement seems valid and comes from a valid source, you should accept it. You cut off someone on the highway unintentionally, and you feel bad. But it was unintentionally. You don't have to feel bad. You don't have to feel guilty. You choose to feel that way, probably almost automatically--maybe since you were a child?

Honestly, it seems to me that you have some unresolved issues with incompetence/screwing up/goofing up/making mistakes. You do NOT have to feel guilty. If you really have some limiting belief such as "I'm incompetent/a screw up," then you should try to see it for what it really is.

[robc]

- and maybe it's a long reach to connect the two discussions, this one and the sexual frustrations discussions but hear me out on this and then let me know if I'm loopy or not.

Is it possible that too much sexual frustration has you analyzing yourself in every other part of your life? Not good enough for your wife to want to have regular physical intimacy, makes you second guess everything else. If someone who loves you has a hard time relating to you and being intimate with you, and that person is supposed to love you and be close to you, maybe your peers in other areas of your life find you lacking?

Sexual frustration will screw up the mind, make you think you're not good enough (if not consciously but on a subconscious level), in every aspect of your life. Everything will seem a little broken and you will feel unable and ineffectual to do anything to make changes to fix those things. And if that's the case and root of all these problems, that sucks because you're committed to your wife and won't be leaving your wife anytime soon and she probably won't be putting out regularly for you anytime soon either (unless of course things have changed in that other discussion and your wife has improved that area in your life - if so, that's awesome bro, I'm happy for you!!!!)

But if things haven't improved in that area of your life and you still feel rejected by your wife and aren't have physical "relations" on a regular basis, that is going to affect other areas of your life. Trust me it will. Being unsatisfied in one important area of your life will lead to issues in other areas. You can't isolate sections of your life, they're all related in their wondrous little ways. It sucks to be rejected especially when you get into a mindset that you think you deserve what you're asking for and still don't get it. You question yourself, your self-worth and value, your self-esteem drops down low and everything around you becomes a challenge and an affirmation that you're not "good enough".

If this really is the case, your wife doesn't know how much trouble she is causing you by limiting your sex life. I know you're religious, a strong christian and you have a lot of honor when it comes to keeping that committment to god & your wife strong in your heart but it seems that this problem won't go away, no matter how much you cover up your eyes & ears, it will still be there. That unresolved sex issue is like a big elephant that is uninvited but making your living room it's new home, it's always there, you can take it off your mind, no matter what you try to think about. You have to resolve that issue, find a way to fix it.

Again I said it was a bit of reach but I can see the connection, maybe other people can also?

[marklang500]

That's a decent connection. But it is more than that. It is my job as well. In major sectors of my life I'm getting tired of the monotonay of not excelling. It's time to excel. This job has held me back. It affected my marriage, which effected my job. A loop. Now it affects everything I do. Is it good enough. Am I competent?

It's time to reinvent myself. But it is very hard to do when you have a family depending on your income.

Good post Rob. By the way, the sex bit is better these days.

[mattpd]

I think its a function of self-esteem in a way.

It kind of works like this, low self-esteem you tend to think about your mistakes a fair bit and focus on them and re-inforce them, high self-esteem you think about your successes, and what you learn and how you improved.

So its not a matter of making mistakes or not, we all make mistakes, its a matter of how you think about them, and what you take from them, e.g. embarrassment or a learning experience?

A few years ago I made a conscious decision to stop feeling the emotion 'guilt', my god it was wonderful! It was close to the best thing I have ever done.

If you look at religions almost all their methods to control are based upon guilt, its just a powerful way to lower people's level of consciousness and make people almost always ineffective. So its really funny these days if people try and guilt trip me, its completely ineffective.

Emotional freedom itself comes from freeing yourself from guilt, worry and fear, and I think that this plays a very strong part in your overall happiness. Guilt, worry and fear are pretty much completely pointless emotions, well, I tend to think so anyway.

If I have a bad memory its almost always good to change how your brain processes thinking about it. So if you feel guilt, worry or fear aim to turn it into a positive emotion, such as learning, taking action or feeling more experienced. So if I feel something that used to be recorded as fear I change that into taking action instead of it contributing to helplessness, or if I feel I guilt I immediately change it into "learning experience".

How you feel about yourself and your happiness comes down much to hwo you reference things...

[marklang500]

Honestly, it seems to me that you have some unresolved issues with incompetence/screwing up/goofing up/making mistakes. You do NOT have to feel guilty. If you really have some limiting belief such as "I'm incompetent/a screw up," then you should try to see it for what it really is.

So its not a matter of making mistakes or not, we all make mistakes, its a matter of how you think about them, and what you take from them, e.g. embarrassment or a learning experience?

Thanks for your comments guys. I guess I have changed over the last few years. I don't know where exactly the downward spiral started, but it is clear now because of how bad its gotten.

My self-esteem was at an all time high as I finished college. The future was bright. I got married, got a job, had kids, enjoyed vacations, started saving for retirement, kept my job, kept going to work, worked some more, began hating work, stopped advancing, developed bad work habits, developed bad home habits, became a major procrastinator, somewhere along the line got sexually frustrated, and now I dwell on the bad stuff, because the good stuff seems few and far between.

I am trying to reverse the spiral now. I am as up beat and helpful at home as possible, my sex life is turning around. Now I am really trying to get my work habits back up to par (literally). I'm hoping my self-esteem will come up eventually. Clearly from the guilt I felt over the bad call this weekend, my self-esteem isn't there yet.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by marklang500

...my self-esteem isn't there yet.

...which is funny and baffling, because it is very clear to me that you are a person to be highly esteemed. Don't you deserve to be thought well of? Do reasons pop into your mind as to why you don't deserve your own support?

What if you were to begin a new practice of letting go of all those reasons, and focusing on why you DO deserve your own support -- all the infinitely wonderful things about your own life. A gratitude journal might be a little foo-foo for you, but perhaps you could could just try out a gratitude meditation -- take a few minutes each day to have a rampage of appreciation.

What I'm saying is, it sounds like you have some habitual thoughts that aren't serving you well, and a little deliberate generation of thoughts that feel good when you think them might make a big difference for you.

What is your first thought when you read this?

[marklang500]

...which is funny and baffling, because it is very clear to me that you are a person to be highly esteemed. Don't you deserve to be thought well of? Do reasons pop into your mind as to why you don't deserve your own support?

I think I use these types of boards to get the esteem that I need. I think some of my posts are designed with ego in mind, wanting to show everyone how smart and cool I am, because out here in the real world, I'm beginning to lose my edge. LIke I said, I don't know where the spiral started, but in highschool and college I was the stud.

A gratitude journal would just be another distraction. I really need to get my work life together. The procreastination is sickening. Then the self esteem plummets, then I seek other forms of self-gratification, like posting in these forums, helping around the house, having a fulfilling sex life, volunteering at youth football....it's all a band-aid for a severely suffering work habit. And my work habit is how I support my family. So even though I am bringing in the paycheck, I know in my heart that I truely am not really providing for my family. I may really need a therepist.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by marklang500

I think I use these types of boards to get the esteem that I need. I think some of my posts are designed with ego in mind, wanting to show everyone how smart and cool I am, because out here in the real world, I'm beginning to lose my edge. LIke I said, I don't know where the spiral started, but in highschool and college I was the stud.

A gratitude journal would just be another distraction. I really need to get my work life together. The procreastination is sickening. Then the self esteem plummets, then I seek other forms of self-gratification, like posting in these forums, helping around the house, having a fulfilling sex life, volunteering at youth football....it's all a band-aid for a severely suffering work habit. And my work habit is how I support my family. So even though I am bringing in the paycheck, I know in my heart that I truely am not really providing for my family. I may really need a therepist.

Yeah, I get it. Limiting self-beliefs have us scrambling to prove they're not true (like getting validation here on these boards about how smart and cool you are) and simultaneously scrambling to avoid people finding out they are true (like "getting your life together" so no one notices you are not good enough). It's just exhausting, like trying to dog-paddle in a vat full of pudding.

I think focusing on the band-aid is an upside-down approach, and that freeing yourself of the limiting belief is much more powerful and has much more velocity than slapping on band-aids. In that regard, I agree with you that a therapist or coach or other third-party might be valuable in helping you to shift into a more powerful stance. Just seeing things from a new perspective, alone, can make all the difference in being in love with your life.

By the way, what is it you would really love to provide for your family? I mean, a genie offers you three qualities or conditions that you can *poof* provide for your family, what would they be in an ideal world?

[JimOfferman]

Anyone else notice this: since I stopped worrying about being wrong all the time, I'm making far fewer mistakes overall.

My theory is that fewer worries means less distraction means more concentration for things that really matter means less mistakes.

Obviously I'm not advocating that you become reckless... but it does help to shift your focus from what goes wrong to what goes right.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by marklang500

I really need to get my work life together. The procreastination is sickening.

Mark, sorry for focusing only on one little detail, but... why do you procrastinate? That's very important.

Is it out of fear? Are you feeling insecure at work? Are you having some limiting beliefs about your competence? Or some fears about the future? What are you afraid of?

Or is it out of boredeom? Is it because on some deep level your job is meaningless? What's your life purpose? What's your message? Why do you do the job you do? How does it fit in, how does it express your life mission?

Or is it out of resistance? Is it because you don't really want to do what you do? Do you have some dream, something you'd love to do rather than working at your current job? Or do you have something against your job, is it a pain in the ass?

Only boldly looking at where you are now and admitting the truth about it will enable you to get moving.

Love to you

[marklang500]

Everyone,

You all are starting to get at the main issues. It's gonna take me a while to formulate my next post. I'm not ignoring your comments, but I gotta go. I'll respond to the questions later or tomorrow.

Thanks for helping me with this!

Mark

[marklang500]

Angela wrote: By the way, what is it you would really love to provide for your family? I mean, a genie offers you three qualities or conditions that you can *poof* provide for your family, what would they be in an ideal world?

Well, it isn't so much that I am not providing for my family, like I said, I am bringing in the paycheck. But I guess it isn't ME that's really bringing in the paycheck. Like if I lose my job tomorrow, I will have lost the job that was providing for my family. My skills have gone down the tank the last few years, and I fear that if I took a job at a new place, they would see it pretty quickly and let me go quick. In a way, I'm a bit of a sham. So I know in my heart that it isn't I that is really providing for my family.

Rose wrote: (with my answers in red parenthesis)

why do you procrastinate? ...is it out of fear? (kinda)
Are you feeling insecure at work? (yes)
Are you having some limiting beliefs about your competence? (yes)
Or some fears about the future? (yes, see my comment to Angela)
Or is it out of boredeom? (yes. My job became a burden rather quickly after I made it over the hump of learning how to do it. My college degree is somewhat wasted in the carreer that it fulfills. Ironic. After a few years at it, it stopped being challenging and started becoming repetitious. Now suddenly I am finding myself behind the curve regarding the procedures because I slept through the changing of methods. But the changing of methods wasn't exciting enough at the time for me to care)

Is it because on some deep level your job is meaningless? (It isn't exactly meaningless. I produce a product that society needs, but it is pretty thankless. Kinda like building roads. Everyone just takes for granted that the roads are going to be built and maintained. But meanwhile, it is a lot of work and the pay is just OK. And it has no direct effect on helping people.)

What's your life purpose? What's your message? Why do you do the job you do? How does it fit in, how does it express your life mission? Or is it out of resistance? Is it because you don't really want to do what you do? Do you have some dream, something you'd love to do rather than working at your current job? Or do you have something against your job, is it a pain in the ass?(Like I said, I feel like I need to be helping people. I'm a good communicator. I'm a good mediator. I like feeling accomplishments more often than this business provides. The only real accomplishments I ever feel is getting paid. It feels empty. My favorite thing to do is learn something new and then teach others. I think that plays my ego a bit and drives me. I can study something new for HOURS on end, and then teach somebody all about it in ways that no one else can. My wife will walk in on me helping my kid with homework and just be amazed at how clear my analogies make it for understanding. I'm good at math. I don't know. Perhaps I should get my masters and teach at University. There is an old saying, "those that can't do, teach". For me, it would appear to be true. But not because I "can't", but because it bores me to "do".)

And then, there are all the fears of the future. How well will I be able to keep this sham up? Will I manage to get my kids through college and retire? How much thieving will it take? I really kinda disgust myself. But I swear, I am a big asset! I just don't know who needs an assett like me. I wonder if I can find a niche for myself in my current industry that uses my strengths...

[ns123]

Originally Posted by marklang500

Well, it isn't so much that I am not providing for my family, like I said, I am bringing in the paycheck. But I guess it isn't ME that's really bringing in the paycheck. Like if I lose my job tomorrow, I will have lost the job that was providing for my family. My skills have gone down the tank the last few years, and I fear that if I took a job at a new place, they would see it pretty quickly and let me go quick. In a way, I'm a bit of a sham. So I know in my heart that it isn't I that is really providing for my family.

Wow, you sound just like me, it's almost scary. I feel this way about my job. I used to be a rock star at it, then I lost interest, and now, I don't think I'm such a rock star, mainly by choice, my field does not interest me.

My advice, find out what it IS that interests you. And then, at your own pace, in the right time, work toward stepping into this new career role. I am in the process of transitioning right now, and really, it's awfully scary.

I've always known what I should be doing, I just didn't listen to myself. I booked a reading with Erin - who showed me a solution in my career that will fulfill me in all ways. Then I hired a life coach that helped me work on my limiting beliefs and forming a more empowering positive belief. I also identified what my strengths are so that I can work on making them super awesome instead of making my weaknesses mediocre.

And you know? If some one asked me, well, did you quit your job? Has your life transformed? I'd say, no, not yet. But I'm taking steps towards what I want, at my own pace. And you know what they say about the turtle that wins the race. Slowly but surely.

And forgive yourself about lurking around on this forum, wanting to sound smart and validated. I do that too! And it's not entirely bad, you help others by sharing yourself, because, like me, some of us have some things in common with you and can work through our own issues while watching you work out yours. And it may be a step in your process too.

[Rose of Cairo]

Mark, just wanted to let you know that I won't reply immediately, but I'm thinking about what you wrote, and I'm writing something for you, in the background

[Angela]

Way to not answer my question, Mark! I'll ask it again:

What is it you would really love to provide for your family? I mean, a genie offers you three qualities or conditions that you can *poof* provide for your family, what would they be in an ideal world?

C'mon, don't squander this wish!

[robc]

Originally Posted by marklang500

I am trying to reverse the spiral now. I am as up beat and helpful at home as possible, my sex life is turning around. Now I am really trying to get my work habits back up to par (literally). I'm hoping my self-esteem will come up eventually. Clearly from the guilt I felt over the bad call this weekend, my self-esteem isn't there yet.

I'm glad things are improving at home with you & your wife, seriously it makes me very happy to hear it - it gives hope to alot of men who are in similar situations.

One word I'll change in the above quote, I am trying, just change that to I am reversing the spiral now. Don't say try, don't use try, don't think about trying. Trying is ok in a limited sense but trying also implies failure along the way. I'll try but I'm probably going to screw up & fail again - on both a conscious and subconscious level, it means failure.

You are succeeding. When a person does something instead of trying something, they say, I'm going to do this, even if I fall down a thousand times along the way, the 1001st I will succeed because I am doing this, no matter what.

Change the lingo, change the perspective and you end up changing the direction.

Believe in yourself bro, you will succeed!

[robc]

Originally Posted by marklang500

I think I use these types of boards to get the esteem that I need. I think some of my posts are designed with ego in mind, wanting to show everyone how smart and cool I am, because out here in the real world, I'm beginning to lose my edge. LIke I said, I don't know where the spiral started, but in highschool and college I was the stud.

A gratitude journal would just be another distraction. I really need to get my work life together. The procreastination is sickening. Then the self esteem plummets, then I seek other forms of self-gratification, like posting in these forums, helping around the house, having a fulfilling sex life, volunteering at youth football....it's all a band-aid for a severely suffering work habit. And my work habit is how I support my family. So even though I am bringing in the paycheck, I know in my heart that I truely am not really providing for my family. I may really need a therepist.

No one says you have to do it all yourself.

That's probably part of the problem, you feel if you don't do it, no one else will. So now you have so many activities, tasks, chores, jobs to complete and you don't have time for yourself and you can't get any of it done so you question your self-worth, your self esteem plummets, geez if you can't do any of this,what good are you?

STOP.

Go to work and do your job, focus on that while you're there, remove distractions which are keeping you from functioning properly over there. Limit the overtime - I seriously believe that too much overtime at the job is killing people and ruining lives. The economy in north america is the shits and people are still busting their humps and working crazy amounts of time at the job and getting nowhere ahead.

Focus on the family when you get home. Leave work at work (yes easier said than done) but you can do it. Focus on the wife, focus on helping out at home not because you have to so you can score brownie points with the wife and help you get some later in the night. Do it because you are happy and lucky to have a wife & family you can come home to, share a meal with, take care of. When you start doing these things more from your heart than from a sense of requirement & duty to fulfill, these things will be easier to accomplish and you will receive a higher degree of satisfaction from it.

I'm not saying it's easy to do this every day/night but you have to start somewhere and turn it into a habit. You thank God everyday for your daily bread, do you thank yourself for being a good person? After all, you have a choice, God gives you that choice. You can pursue your faith, be deeply spiritual and serve God and your family or you can do whatever you want, leave everything behind and take care of your own personal needs without answering to anyone.

You are making that choice, have you thanked yourself lately for being the great person you are? Yes it's nice to hear that from your family but it probably wouldn't feel as good to hear it from them if you don't believe it yourself.

Love yourself, thank yourself everyday for being who you are. You are a great person and people depend on you because of the person you are and you have a lot of value not only to other people but especially to yourself.

If you aren't going to the gym and working out all this stress, you need to start doing this. It gets your mind out of it's muck, sweating and getting that heart pumping makes you focus on you and your body, time to get more in tune with yourself, personal time, we all need it, you should give yourself 1-2 hours every day or at least every 2nd day.

Stop analyzing everything, start believing yourself, you have alot of value, you have a great family who loves you, you are serious about your God and your faith, and you have I'm sure alot of other things going for you. Stop over-thinking everything. Let's just assume you're a great person and leave it at that. Stop letting your ego run your life, it's hard but you have to start thinking deliberately and moving forward in a positive direction. Whenever your thoughts of not being good enough, being a procrastinator, being incompetent, not being good enough for your wife, etc. come up - that is just your ego. Don't blame it, that is your ego's job to come up with these thoughts, keep you afraid and keep you thinking about all these bad things. It's your job whether or not you're going to respond & listen to it 24/7.

[marklang500]

Way to not answer my question, Mark!

Ha ha! I guess I did pass on it, huh. That's a tough question. I guess just thinking it through is an excercise in goal setting...I see where you are going.

Hmmmm. How's this:

1. I want my family to be secure in their future. I want to have the cash, and the knowledge to pass on to them. So that I know they are always secure.
2. I want free time to spend with them and my wife for enjoyment. I want free time to be able to be involved in thier lives, so that one day when they leave, I won't feel like I missed it. And they will always look forward to coming home to visit. And they will call for advice because they know they can trust me. I they know that I care and want to help, not judge.
3. I want to provide a good example of doing good for society. I know it is in my heart to do good things, but I don't have the time. It seems lately thatlife is a marathon, every day is work, eat dinner, play a little, get the kids ready for bed, be exhausted, go to bed, then do it again the next day.

Sometimes I fanticise about winning the lottery. But not for the reasons some people do. Not for cars, mansions, and lavish lifestyles. But for the security of knowing that no matter how old my kids are, I will always be able to take care of them, and by quitting my job, I can have more time to be there for them when they need me.

For example. If I had 2 million dollars, I would set up accounts that guarantee college be paid for in full for both of my kids, including room and board for 5 years worth. I would then set up accounts that guarantee my wife and I will retire in comfort with a net positive growth, so that the balance will never drop below $1000000, even if I live to be 105 years old. That guarantees a nice inheritance for my kids. After setting those things in place, the remaining money would be evaluated on how to maximize making positive changes in my society over the course of 40 years.

I know people think Angelina Jolie is so cool with her charity work. But what people don't understand is that she is rich as rich can be. It is easy for someone who is rich to commit thier time and effort to charity. They don't have to worry about themselves or thier family. (of course, I do respect her because most rich folks don't bother with any of it, anyway.)

As it is now, I have a couple meager Coverdale funds for my kids college. But the input is small, and so the projection is not nearly enough. I also have a 401k and an IRA that are both pretty meager. Minimum $ per month going in. It isn't too likely that I'll meet my retirement goals if I keep this slow pace.

Social Security will likely be zilch by the time I get there.

So there you go. My three wishes. Financial Security for my whole family(broadly defined), free time (and the energy to utilize it), and making a positive impact on society.

I'm also a musician, and would love to get back into performance. But that just robs from #2 without providing a #1 benefit. I have thought about integrating music performance into #3, like by playing music for disabled kids or at retirement communities. It's a good idea, but making it happen takes time that I don't have.

[marklang500]

Wow, Rob, that's a lot of good comments. I'll try to internalize that.

Oops. I did it again, I said "try".

I'll internalize that. I see what you are getting at with the over-functioning. It's kinda like hyperventilating on "life issues". You nailed it.

Religion
Relationship with wife
Parenting
The economy
The government
Finances
Musical development
Golf Development
Inventing Business Ideas
Seeking Financial freedom
Home remodeling
Providing quility time with kids
Providing quality time with my wife
Sexual frequency
Sexual performance
Working out (which I do, since you asked)
Relationships within business
My assigned work tasks

I just typed that list out in the order that it came to me. As the list got longer, I had to stop and think, "what am I missing....Oh yeah, work stuff". That's why it is at the bottom. That could be a part of the problem.

I'm not sure how to stop that. But I want to, because when I do that, my profession is the area that suffers the most. Like the last little bit of air that doesn't quite make it in the lungs because they are already oversaturated with oxygen. I'm going to read those two posts a few times today. Thanks.

[marklang500]

I have no team. Its just me and this dang work. EVeryone else in the office is working together. But by chance, these last couple of years I've found myself at the short end of the stick in this office. Nobody is qualified to help me, because we've let the people that know this system go (layoffs) yet they won't lay me off because I'm the last one here that knows this system. Everyone else has moved on to the new system and I'm all alone. Trying desperatly to finish the last of the projects on this old system. I have no team. Everyone else on the new system is turning projects out left and right because they are all working together in groups of 3 or 4 people!!! I'm pissed off now. I have to get these dang projects done so I can quit.

[marklang500]

Well, I've resorted to the old aversion therapy. A rubber band on the wrist when I stop working on work gets snapped. So far so good (except for this little update I'm throwing out there...ouch)

[robc]

Originally Posted by marklang500

Well, I've resorted to the old aversion therapy. A rubber band on the wrist when I stop working on work gets snapped. So far so good (except for this little update I'm throwing out there...ouch)

- and you're not TRYing, you are doing. If you fall along the way no big deal as long as you remember to pick yourself up and keep going.

Hopefully things are doing better back home.

Just remember to continue making good will deposits in the marital relationship "savings account", don't dwell on the past, focus on the now, don't even focus on talking about the relationship, just focus on enjoying the time you spend together - it really goes a long way to improving closeness between a couple.

You start improving one area of your life, you'll soon notice improvements in other areas.

And remember, who cares about being judged by your peers - they don't matter. Worry about being judged by your god, hopefully he sees that you take the high road, you live courageously in times when it's difficult to do so, raise your children properly and educate them the best way you can by being the person you would want them to grow up as because in the end, kids are like tiny recorders, they see everything and that's how they learn, they emulate action that they see (monkey see, monkey do). Live a good life and show them that it's worth the effort, they'll grow up doing the same thing and the satisfaction you receive from that will be incredible.

I really enjoy reading your posts Mark, keep giving us updates - off work & family hours ;-)

[marklang500]

Well, things are great at home. Everyone seems happy all the time. The finances are all caught up, bills are all paid, budget is in check, fun time is there, relax time is there, hanky-panky is there, arguments are now minor, short, and seperated from our marriage, like the separation of church and state, we have separation of love and arguments. We're pretty darn happy!

Work is not getting better. I've figured out that my lack of focus is the result of years of unfulfilling chores.

By visualizing future rewards and pats on the back from my peers, I get little bursts of work done. So I have figured out that the lack of those moments has made this job empty. Its like digging a ditch through the middle of 80 acres in the middle of nowhere. Nobody cares when you are done, it doesn't really ammount to anything special, yet I get paid for it and it is expected that I keep at it everyday. If I had co-workers on the same ditch, at least I would have some comraderie. But no, I am alone digging this ditch in the middle of nowhere.

So, I am combining the aversion therapy (rubber band during distractions) with future reward visualization. The result is slightly better than placebo.

Thanks for responding Rob! I don't feel like I'm in a bubble.

[funchy]

I think you're being too self-conscious. EVERYONE makes mistakes. Sometimes we do things that harm others. The important thing is that you realize you did something wrong & try harder not to do it again.

If someone can't accept your apology & move on, the problem is really theirs, not yours. If they're going to hold a grudge, you can't change that.

I like the old saying: "there are no mistakes, only learning opportunities"