My awesome girlfriend and a terrific weekend + New Forum Rules.

[mattpd]

Okay, a new forum rule:

For each thread containing negativity, for example:

- My relationship totally sucks
- I have major insecurities / things wrong with me / I'm screwed
- My heart is broken / I love someone who doesn't love me back
- I have disaster / failure / a massive problem / my life sucks
- Other people do me wrong / my friends suck
- I have problems with my family

An established member of the forum must post a positive & feel good thread.

A quick scan of the current front page of the forum:

27 Problems / Negativity / Disaster / Bad Stuff Threads
3 Neutral discussion threads
0 Positive / Happy / Feel Good Threads

So the goal is to make it at least 51% positive & 49% bad stuff.

The major issue with a forum like this is that is becomes a hive for victims. So the people getting most attention, and the most spotlight are the people with the most problems. And in reality instead of assisting in solving them it actually trains people that its actually better to have problems because they get more attention for screwing things up.

Its important for people who are new here, or those who visit regularly to see positive stories, and success, and they can use this for inspiration and hope. Unless this is actually the purpose of this forum to reinforce bad beliefs about life and relationships, and to be a place for the absolute worst of the worst life situations, because I really think that the structure and current approach to this community is actually hurting rather than helping.

More than anything, anyone with a reasonably positive attitude with limited personal issues is simply going to find this place too draining, and way too negative and disaster driven with no real system in place to actually assist in happiness improvement, and like watching the news that only contains the worst of the worst stories.

I think the regular members need a good smack really, on the bottom. So I'm going to do it with a virtual stick. Bam. Take some control here, take the lead, and break the cycle and break the trend. Make this a place of some awesome stories, and happiness, and not just a magnet for those at the bottom because without examples of success advice isn't worth anything.

Maybe the tidal wave of problems and negativity is too big to handle, maybe there are just too many new people with too many new problems. Well I suggest maybe restructuring the forum and how you go about this process. Maybe putting a 4 days wait from registering to posting and in the meantime they need to read a section on the basics of having 100% responsibility for your life, and some basic advice on the importance of putting a slant of positivity on your thread and the importance of making an effort.

Life isn't perfect we all go through problems, and I was the world's no1 victim at one stage. I created a reality completely full of problems and issues, and disaster, and really the only thing that helped me out of was learning from people who had succeeded, not posting on a forum where everybody else was in disaster stations.

There could some common arguments, such as some people need help in these situations in need, and I am being insensitive because its sad. Well, maybe I am, but I really believe that many of these problems exist because people get way too much validation from being hopeless rather than being successful and making smart decisions. And if you cut the attention from screwing things up then on a core level people are much less likely to.

I mean, c'mon. 99% of these problems could be prevented with some common sense, and there needs to be less of a tolerance for people who are completely clueless. All these pain threads, and life is so hard, and I must go through this long process of rebuilding, is mostly caused by lying to yourself and being in denial. And lack of getting over yourself and avoiding a decent mirror.

And this thread has a limited focus on taking action. Lots of "OMG lets think about this", and "lets get theoretical on my ....." or "lets have a group hug" - and not enough about reality and get your ass into gear and quit kidding yourself.

Maybe I have it wrong, maybe its not about happiness. But I think I just cop way too many people I talk to who spend 99% of their time talking about their unhappiness and 1% of their time doing something that will really improve their situation. And places like this only contribute to that complete imbalance.

You talk about this place as the 3rd eye, I really don't think so. I think its a place where people don't really improve or value happiness and things being great. Its a great place to all talk about your problems without people having been here a while actually making it a place that feels good.

Where is the good stuff here? Where are the happy stories? Where are the inspirational bits? Why isn't this just a place for people to share misery?

Maybe you could have a single thread called "post your disaster" and then people can post into that with their problems, and that leaves the rest of the forum for positive stories, success stories, learning from people who have awesome relationships, and feel good stuff. That may not happen instantly as its the exact opposite to what is happening now.

Its almost like a competition in this place of who screwed their life up the most.

If you read this then stop being a spectator and take the initiative yourself to post a thread that is positive.

---------------

So here I am, I'm going first.

This weekend was awesome.

After so many bad relationships its great to finally be with someone whom time is really enjoyable, and it just flies.

We have this special language thing going where we have about 1,000 private jokes and this includes:

- Putting 'le' at the start of most words and speaking with a French accent
- using limited German to interact
- reciting funny lines from movies that no-one else gets
- using an accent to say vulgar things in public but no-one else can de-code

I'm looking forward to maybe taking a Spanish course together, that will only increase our ability to make the funniest things out of nothing and laugh most of the time we hang out.

Its like we have a bubble and we are communicating on such a similar level much of the time, and we have our own special language starting to develop together. Time seems to fly, and pretty much anything becomes fun and funny.

I think we share a dry sarcastic sense of humour and the ability to laugh at almost nothing. So this weekend I laughed soo much it was awesome.

[ns123]

We have this special language thing going where we have about 1,000 private jokes and this includes:

- Putting 'le' at the start of most words and speaking with a French accent
- using limited German to interact
- reciting funny lines from movies that no-one else gets
- using an accent to say vulgar things in public but no-one else can de-code

When you said this, I had to laugh out loud! My younger brother and I have this connection too! Some of my friends have this connection with me too (and of course, my husband). I think it's great to surround yourself with people who just "get" you. It's wonderful to be able to have a whole conversation with just one word, and then burst out laughing.

Have you ever played the game Taboo? You should look into it. When you have a strong connection to someone (not just romantically) yall can be killers at this game and win every time.

I like your new rule. It's a great way to think.

[forynav]

Matt, that was an excellent OP. I er... dont have anything positive to say on the relationship front

I can however attest to the major fun to be had, when another person just "gets" you as ns123 mentions. That's the relationship, I have with my kid sister.

[Fullcrum]

I like to open girls by imitating German in an almost harsh manner and spout nonsense for the first two to five minutes of knowing them.

I sound like a caveman.

Hilarious ~

BTW I love girls with a dry sense of humor. It's rarer than the most bubbly conventional sense of humor.

Every day for lunch I bring a raw food concoction to school, usually involving large quantities of fruit, greens, or both. This makes great conversation.

"Oh, it's like soup. Tastes great."

Hopefully this post will inspire you to speak German and drink Green Smoothies. Afterall, it's the Germans and the Greens that gets girls. Seriously. Not my confidence or anything.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Mattpd,

I agree with you that we could consciously work to make this forum a more postive place. It would be great to have more progress threads about what people are achieving.

However your choice of the words 'Rules' really pushes my buttons. (And yes it's my responsibility to deal with ).

I'd have responded much more favourably if you'd said

'I'd love it if this forum could be a much more positive place. I've got some ideas about how to do that... What are your ideas... Wouldn't it be great if... What can we all agree on?'

We might have ended up with a group consensus that was very similar to your original idea, but then we would have all owned it, rather than feeling it was imposed upon us.

I will post something postive and make a conscious effort to support achievement- but at the same time I don't want people to feel that they can't come here with problems. I've seen people really improve on this board over time and the ones that don't want to change drop away anyway after a bit of straight talking. I like to give everyone who joins a fair chance and not dismiss them as 'lowlevel' straight away.

I've always enjoyed the 30 day challenges that people post as that shows learning and growth and persistence towards a goal. I might think about doing one myself.

[Angela]

To all posters: no such forum rule exists. This thread reflects mattpd's preferences, but there is no rule that you must conform to his preferences.

[Mewwy]

99% of the problems can be prevented? You urge that people don't date/socialize enough, I urge you that you simply don't see the world enough.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by mattpd

Okay, a new forum rule:

must

stick

Hahaha lol Yessir! Aye, Sir!

Your idea is good and the way you're trying to implement it sucks. I suggest you work on your communication skills.

More than anything, anyone with a reasonably positive attitude with limited personal issues is simply going to find this place too draining

Only what resonates with a part of you at some level can be draining for you. If you find this place draining, negative and disastrous, there's something for you to look at inside yourself. Where's your decent mirror?

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by mattpd

A quick scan of the current front page of the forum:

27 Problems / Negativity / Disaster / Bad Stuff Threads
3 Neutral discussion threads
0 Positive / Happy / Feel Good Threads

Just out of curiosity, how did you classify Let me tell you about a girl I like...?

[robc]

Originally Posted by mattpd

Okay, a new forum rule:

For each thread containing negativity, for example:

- My relationship totally sucks
- I have major insecurities / things wrong with me / I'm screwed
- My heart is broken / I love someone who doesn't love me back
- I have disaster / failure / a massive problem / my life sucks
- Other people do me wrong / my friends suck
- I have problems with my family

An established member of the forum must post a positive & feel good thread.

I really am glad things seem to be going positively in your life.

That being said you can't impose rules on this forum (unless you are the forum admin and you will be monitoring all posts and editing/deleting posts that don't fit), attempting to do so restricts other people from being able to participate in the manner that they want to participate in.

[carenkh]

I think if the perceived negativity is pushing your buttons, mattpd, you might do well to look inside and ask yourself why. I love that people are trusting enough to put their "stuff" out here to get help with, and perspective on, it. (oops - bad grammar there! Hope that doesn't break a rule, too.) Are there any "negative" threads that just go on and on in a downward way? Don't most complain-y posts get insightful questions, and challenges for the OP to look at their part in whatever situation they're in? It's called Personal Growth, not Personal Perfection. Even though we're all perfect, right where we are...

I make a rule that you have to send me chocolate, dark organic chocolate.

[wolfgang]

It's true though. People come into this forum and start up with some major life issue. And I wonder how long they have been on that issue before seeking advice in this forum.

What they might be getting is more enabling, from well intended responders. Or a way to carry on with the identity that is wrapped up in their issues. And that's usually what everyone's issue is. Not the issue itself but the being wrapped up in it with drama and loss of who they really are. imho.

But hey, help can be gotten here too.

Too bad people don't look for answers to what's going right in their life, ha?

[jamestl2]

If everybody on here were perfect, had no issues to deal with, etc. then they'd have no need to "develop" themselves, right?

I think most people use the forums as a tool to help them grow, and the way for them to do so is to express their negativity via threads and seek the "positive" responses.

I don't know how many people are actually here just for the "attention" and what not. They want answers and guidance in their life situations, not just play the victim-card for forum attention, what would be the point behind it?

[Dan.Linehan]

Hey Matt,

I love this idea. Thanks for posting!

I rarely post my own threads in the social / relationships -- mainly because I have very few relationship issues. My relationships are going great.

Your post really hit home with me - I should be sharing these good experiences.

Appreciate it!

[seeker5]

I don't like the idea of putting down people who post about their own problems and who seek help in working through it. The OP seems to go on and on about how bad it is to get help here. I'd hate for people to be discouraged to post about their problems and work through it publicly on here because of people like Mattpd who keeps on berating and talking negatively about what they are doing.

Sure, there may be some people who post on here on and on about their problems but don't do anything about it. That's a small price to pay for allowing so many people to post on here and get so many great feedback and help in fixing their problems and growing as a process.

So overall, in my view it's a bad idea to berate the type of people who need help and use this forum for that. As someone who has posted so called "negative threads", I know how valuable and incredible useful they have been in my personal growth.

[Dan.Linehan]

Setting an example with positive stories is not the same as invalidating everyone else's experiences.

If someone is in crisis they should feel fully safe posting here about it and discussing it, by all means.

[Angela]

Being bossy and being a leader are two entirely different things, mattpd. If you're going to be a leader here, you might find inspiration a more powerful tool than imperiousness.

[angies]

I am new to this forum and came across it while searching for some answers to my problem. From a newcomer perspective, I do not think that this forum is full of negative and sad stories. I think it is great that people can share their problems, experiences. Nobody has a perfect life and nobody has all the answers. Especially when you are in the mid of confusion, it is great to have something like this forum to come to. To read other misfortunes and how they overcome them, to share experiences.

Matt seems to be very together and seems to contribute more on the positive side. I can understand where he is coming from. It is good to have some positive stories to brighten our life. But I think if your life is all nice and rosy then you don't tend to come to forum like this.

[jaamkie]

positive stories- it is difficult to share positive stories without sounding like you're bragging don't you think? particularly without a leading question giving some context/rationale for posting.

my positive story... I am very glad my relationship with the last guy I was dating has finally evolved over to a real wonderful friend, that all of the pain of continuing to open to him and continuing to listen to him, though we aren't together, has proved worth it. Also I suppose I could gloat that I don't seem to have a problem meeting men despite a shy geeky personality and not particularly wonderful looks, and that my current boyfriend called me a 'tall, white, female mirror image' of him.

Though perhaps it is a bit off-topic, I'm also grateful for a bit of inspiration to express how I'm feeling in a way I at least find satisfyingly accurate, and grateful for the various friends and communities that acceptingly listen to my craziness:

I need a quieter life because otherwise I can't hear the music; I need a simpler life so I don't keep bruising myself on the sharp projections of everyone's expectations. Or I could stop trying to dance, but then what's the damn point? Once you've realized the irritating whispers are actually distant strains of Bach, you can't be satisfied shuffling through the communal war-dance to the thudding drumbeat of productivity. I'm impatiently longing for the softer harmonies remembered from childhood, resenting that I only snatch pleasure in the odd moments when the war-dance happens to fall into time with the real music, and tired of having my raw skin pelted with red white and blue paintballs every time I try to pirouette out of line. Now I'm trying to lead someone else though I've learned only half the steps, dance them only a short fraction of the time, and am unsure if my partner can even hear the music.

[Brutha]

First there no need to have multiple things in a single thread. Opening a separate thread for your positive story would probably work better than having both things in the same thread.
As a result your thread is mostly negative.

Having more positive threads would be nice, but it's not something that you can simply do by creating a rule.
Leadership comes from acting a certain way.

positive stories- it is difficult to share positive stories without sounding like you're bragging don't you think?

Why should that matter?

[driven1]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Why should that matter?

It really shouldn't, but it's human nature to some degree to want to cut down somebody who is vocal about "doing too well" and to view them as an arrogant jerk.

I mean, if I told a story about how I hooked up with Jessica Biel Friday, made $5 million Saturday, and got my new Ferrari Sunday... well, that's REALLY REALLY GREAT WEEKEND, but most everybody hearing that story would immediately think "Up yours, buddy!" rather than "Hurray for you!" Bragging is, I think, looking for external validation to prop up your own self-esteem -- you want people to see the good things about you. But in so doing, you're making other people feel bad about themselves: "I wish I had a Jessica Biel. I wish I had a Ferrari. ::sniff::"

A little off topic, but I feel it's important: One of my own biggest personal breakthroughs In Real Life has been to STOP bragging on myself, even the subtle stuff, even if it's all true. In real life, I'm more self-deprecating than anything. Anyhow, it's amazing how well other people, both men and women (but in different ways), respond when you stop making them feel bad about themselves.

But this, here, isn't Real Life. It's different on a personal development message board, or at least it should be. I feel like you should be able to tell that story about how wonderful your girlfriend is or how you made a million dollars or whatever without worrying about other people's egos, and certainly without other people trying to hack you down so they don't feel crappy about themselves. I feel like this forum ought to be more of an academic setting where we can set ego aside talk about what works and what doesn't work in various social situations, so it's more about LEARNING than about trying to regulate each other's egos.

So... as far as the positive vs. negative posts thing, I guess I see it from a different angle. It doesn't help me, the reader, to know "Yay, he had a great weekend", but it may help me immensely to know WHY he had a great weekend. (The examples of private jokes with the girlfriend, see, that's good stuff!) Conversely, if my dog dies and I'm having trouble coping, I'd like to be able to ask how others cope with the loss. And I think it's expected for people to ask questions when they have problems, typically "negative" things. But I feel that this forum should be more of a Personal Development forum and less of a support group. Tell me how to fix the problem or how you dealt with it in the past; I'll get the hugs from mom.

Just my 2... er 3 cents. I'm sure different people get different things out of this forum.

Disclaimer: I've never had a Ferrari, a million dollars, or a Jessica Biel. And my cat is fine.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by driven1

It really shouldn't, but it's human nature to some degree to want to cut down somebody who is vocal about "doing too well" and to view them as an arrogant jerk.

I've started a few threads on this forum where I've talked about my success in different areas and shared how I did it. Those who responded to those threads on this forum have been very supportive and happy that I shared my experience. I never felt anybody viewed me as an arrogant jerk at all for talking about my successes. Quite to the contrary.

[ns123]

I think it's possible to inspire others by being positive without sounding arrogant. I've seen many people do it well, it depends on your approach and your audience.

In the end, I think it boils down to how you see your success and how you think others will perceive you.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by driven1

...Anyhow, it's amazing how well other people, both men and women (but in different ways), respond when you stop making them feel bad about themselves.

There's not much point in trying to stop making people feel bad about themselves, because you don't make people feel bad about themselves, it's their business to feel bad (or good) about themselves. In fact, talking about what's working in your life, or even bragging about how great your life is with the intention of feeling superior, is a perfect opportunity for others to develop their own self worth. Of course, if you are bragging with the intention of feeling superior, you've got your own self-worth issues to work through, but that's just more opportunity!

If you are in a personal development arena and you find yourself judging someone to be an arrogant jerk or braggart, you are tremendously fortunate! And if you yourself are the Tall Poppy, you are tremendously fortunate, too. And all the other people who are getting value out of what's being said back and forth? Yup, tremendously fortunate, too. You really can't lose.

Positive, negative, who is to be the ultimate judge? Well, you, of course. If your next right action is to write a complaining or plaintive or venting or angry post, to share your misery or dwell on problems and avoid solutions, Go For It! You'll probably get called on it, as has happened often around here and huge breakthroughs have come of it. And some people remain mired in feeling bad. That is absolutely fine.

The idea of "equal time" -- if you write a "negative" post then you must "balance" it with a "positive" one -- this is the Greased Pig Syndrome (GPS): chasing some illusive notion of how you *should* be, at the expense of your authentic self. Feh on the greased pig!

[driven1]

Originally Posted by Angela

There's not much point in trying to stop making people feel bad about themselves, because you don't make people feel bad about themselves, it's their business to feel bad (or good) about themselves.

True, but I don't think most people are that self-aware nor internally validated. Almost universally, they'll snip back at you if you critique them or try to trump you or hack you down if you brag on yourself.

But if you can provide self-esteem FOR them, however temporary, they reeeally look up to you. Kinda skeeved me out, to be honest, when I started doing this, as I quickly began experiencing guys I'd known for years suddenly treating me as some sort of leader (and, uh oh, now I gotta decide what the whole group does tonight...) and girls who I thought were unobtainable suddenly giving me the time of day.

It's possible that it's just me, that my experience is not universal, but I really don't think so...

[Tuumble]

Yep, I'd spotted the negativity thing too which seems indicative of the period of history we're going through I'm afraid.

In another forum I frequent I actually created a Good News thread today for that very reason which is for positive comments only. It's not just for BIG news but GOOD news...in fact I'm going to create one RIGHT NOW!

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by driven1

True, but I don't think most people are that self-aware nor internally validated. Almost universally, they'll snip back at you if you critique them or try to trump you or hack you down if you brag on yourself.

But if you can provide self-esteem FOR them, however temporary, they reeeally look up to you.

I think you'll find things are very, very different on this forum. They are in my world as well! I don't have a single person in my life who'd trump me or try to hack me down if I shared something I was proud of. I've never seen it happen on these forums, either.

How the heck do you provide self-esteem for someone else?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

How the heck do you provide self-esteem for someone else?

That would be a great gift, wouldn't it?

[Brutha]

A little off topic, but I feel it's important: One of my own biggest personal breakthroughs In Real Life has been to STOP bragging on myself, even the subtle stuff, even if it's all true. In real life, I'm more self-deprecating than anything. Anyhow, it's amazing how well other people, both men and women (but in different ways), respond when you stop making them feel bad about themselves.

The question is whether you are making them feel bad or whether you are inspiring with sharing a positive story with them.
I think it a much better choice to feel inspired when you read about someones success.

It's a totally different approach when you ask yourself: "How do I inspire people?"
Then when you ask yourself: "How can I make other people see myself favorable?"

I think that fundamentally the forum would work better if people would think more about the first question than the second question.

[driven1]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I think you'll find things are very, very different on this forum.

It's *better* here, certainly, than most places -- fark or slashdot, for example, where you have insecure geeks ready to snark at the drop of a hat. Still plenty of room to improve.

Originally Posted by carenkh

They are in my world as well! I don't have a single person in my life who'd trump me or try to hack me down if I shared something I was proud of.

That is seriously a terrific thing! Additionally, be proud of yourself for cultivating such a great group of friends. But in my life, I see it routinely, even within my own family, once I learned to look for it. I've had to sever friendships and temper others because the constant hacking and negativity was too much. (I can tolerate a lot against me, personally -- in fact, I expect it -- but you start hating on my friends and making them feel bad about themselves... ya gotta go!)

Originally Posted by carenkh

I've never seen it happen on these forums, either.

mattpd's thread is a pretty good example of what I mean.

Originally Posted by carenkh

How the heck do you provide self-esteem for someone else?

It's temporary self-esteem. A little boost. Probably stuff you do all the time without thinking about it:
- Give sincere compliments where appropriate.
- Join in celebrating their achievements. Give a "Holy smokes, you bowled a 220??? Dude, I've never gotten past 160!" instead of "Yeah, well Joey bowled a 240 just last week. It's not THAT big a deal..."
- Join in celebrating their possessions. (I personally think Americans, in particular, derive way too much self-esteem from their possessions, but I'm not gonna be able to change this anytime soon.) Gush over their new iPhone or plasma TV or outfit or whatever. Not too much, now, or it'll seem phony!
- Strongly consider NOT ARGUING with somebody if the point simply doesn't matter. Let them be "right", even if you're sure they're wrong. You'll leave them feeling better about themselves. For example, I'm never, ever, ever going to convince my family members not to be religious. No point in even going there. (And vice versa, of course.)

That sort of thing. It's a temporary boost, for sure. And of course it's going to be difficult, maybe impossible to change people's core beliefs about themselves. But when they're around you, they feel a bit better about themselves. I think that's pretty cool. As a bonus, it benefits you in the ways I described above.**

A lot of it is sincerely trying to see things from their perspective. I think Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, covered it pretty well.

Conversely, I've noticed that when people feel worse about themselves -- maybe they're struggling with a weight problem or having trouble with their marriage -- they tend to do more hacking on others.

EDIT: I'm kicking myself for not including this, because I think it's very important: I couple the above handing out of "temporary self-esteem boosters" with my own confident, alpha body language and behavior, e.g. chin up, strong eye contact, strong deep voice, lean back, confident hand-shakes for the guys, hugs for the girls (in a social setting, of course), pay attention to your friends, crack jokes to amuse myself (not others), don't stare at the hotties, etc. I think this is crucial subcommunication because it makes the difference between "I'm a loser and I'm complimenting you because I want you to like me" (On a deeper level: "Pweease give me self-esteem -- i really need some!") and "I'm a great guy, and I have no need to take anything from you. But here. Here's some love." ("Have some self-esteem -- I've got *plenty*!) Basically, I subcommunicate that I am The Man, but I never, ever vocalize it. My thought that is if you vocalize it, you're essentially asking for validation that you are, indeed, The Man. And if you have to ask.... you aren't!

** Please keep in mind that, well, I'm a guy. I'm still struggling with the question of whether this sort of behavior makes a woman significantly more attractive to men and a more effective leader of other women. I don't mean to be sexist; I just don't have that frame of reference!