Fear of social exchange

[Sanity Panda]

I need help removing some fears.

I've noticed that alot of my conversation revolves around the whole exchange of information, but there doesn't seem to be much of the emotional exchange. Even if I'm talking about things like feelings, values etc. You could say I chat in a serious manner...

I'm avoiding people because I can't cope with the idea that I'm rather bland when it comes to chatting. This belief is reinforced when conversations don't seem to flow, when I'm lacking material from the other person to work on or when they don't seem interested in asking me questions. It'd just be an information exchange.

I also get the impression that it's mostly my fault for not having a flowing conversation. I'm failing to engage the other member in an emotional way that makes people want to talk. Joy, laughter and happiness.

[metamorph]

Maybe there is nothing wrong with you, but with your friends or the people you talk with. If you are a rational person and value conversational depth, then there is nothing to feel bad about. Did you ever ask yourself if people that are small talkers might be the "boring" ones exchanging platitudes.

However, if you want to make a conscious effort to expand your conversational range and learn to include emotional conversation, then go ahead. It may help you to start with listening. Real emotional listening, which means listen not only to the rational message, but listen to the emotional messasage. What does someone feel or want to feel when he tells you whatever he tells you.
Apart from listening, you can re-define the purpose of the social interaction you are about to enter. How about entering the interaction with the only focus being on having fun, or being playful, or being outrageous and silly.

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by Sanity Panda

I need help removing some fears.

I've noticed that alot of my conversation revolves around the whole exchange of information, but there doesn't seem to be much of the emotional exchange. Even if I'm talking about things like feelings, values etc. You could say I chat in a serious manner...

I'm avoiding people because I can't cope with the idea that I'm rather bland when it comes to chatting. This belief is reinforced when conversations don't seem to flow, when I'm lacking material from the other person to work on or when they don't seem interested in asking me questions. It'd just be an information exchange.

I also get the impression that it's mostly my fault for not having a flowing conversation. I'm failing to engage the other member in an emotional way that makes people want to talk. Joy, laughter and happiness.

Hey Sanity Panda

I'm not sure I get your post. What is the problem? Do you want others to talk more to you? Do you want to do more talking yourself? Do you want more conversations with people or do you want other conversations (and if so, what kind of conversations would you like?)

I know it's a lot of questions, but perhaps it will clarify the problem

Best wishes

[Sanity Panda]

I want a closer bond through conversation.

My skills of communication reside mostly in giving advice to other people, or answering questions if somebody doesn't understand something. Debating is another area that I'm good at. In a way the forum is perfect for me, but I don't ever get close to someone.

Most conversations with friends aren't about that. They don't always need help nor are they looking for a debate. It's mostly about having a good time.

The problem is my style of chatting is that I just exchange information, I'd ask questions and answer questions. It's especially bad if the topics are rather bland, since it kills the conversation.

The reason I blame on myself is because I see that these people don't have as much difficulty establishing a connection with other friends. I think I treat life and other people too seriously?

How about entering the interaction with the only focus being on having fun, or being playful, or being outrageous and silly.

Thanks metamorph. That's a good suggestion.

[MINDLESS15]

Ever heard of 'Peter Murphy?'

Don't panic. You can be interesting. Great topics of
conversation needn't be difficult to think of. Think
about this - what makes a topic interesting? Isn't it
that people like to talk about it and that they have
opinions on it?

Once you realize that, you'll see that for interesting
topics of conversation come from everyday life and things
that we all have in common. Then you'll realize it's not so
difficult to think of them.

Don't think you have to be controversial and go for risky
topics like politics and religion; you don't. In fact, to do
so would be a mistake. Whatever topic you choose should make
people relaxed and happy to talk; controversial subjects
don't do that.

Think instead about what all people share: families, hopes,
dreams, experiences etc.

Here are 10 great topics of conversation to get you
started:

1. Who is the most interesting person you ever met?

You can see how this would easily lead people to voice
opinions and ask 'why?'.

2. Where in the world would you most like to visit?

This dream location may be shared by others and so it makes
people feel solidarity, but also, people will be itching to
ask 'why?' and keep the conversation flowing.

3. What has been the most life-changing experience you've
ever had?

Here, people can share funny and touching stories
if they want to, which will help you get a deeper
understanding of them. Likewise, if people don't feel relaxed
enough to give a heart-felt reply they can answer in a funny
way and it all adds to the conversation.

4. What is the most spontaneous thing you've you ever done?

That opens the door to all sorts of funny and romantic
stories.

5. Who's had the biggest influence on your life?

Because this person has influenced the person you're asking,
they must view them positively and have strong ideas about
them. That means they're likely to enjoy talking about them.

6. What thing that you haven't yet done would you most like
to do?

This kind of inspirational question always gets people
talking and everyone's usually happy to chip in with comments
about people's hopes and wishes. Just be careful when
commenting that you don't rain on their parade. It's their
right to have whatever hopes they want.

7. What is the best quality you've inherited from either of
your parents?

This is particularly interesting at a family gathering when
people know the parents you're talking about. It's also a
bit of a bonding experience, speaking favorably about your
parents.

8. From which person have you learned most in your life?

This is another uplifting, positive topic of conversation
that usually gets people talking.

9. What historical figure do you most identify with?

This lets you know something about the other people around
you; it also opens up discussion of the events these
historical figures were involved in. Yes, potentially it
takes you into dangerous waters of politics and religion,
but people usually take this question in the spirit of fun
in which it's meant, so potentially awkward moments are
easily averted.

10. What kind of music do you like?

You could then go on to talk of CDs you've bought or gigs
you've been too. You might even ask - 'what's the most
embarrassing album in your collection?' That's usually met
with all-round hilarity!

These ideas should show you that interesting topics of
conversation don't need to be complex or intellectual - in
fact, the more ordinary the better, because then people feel
qualified to talk about the topic.

Do Remember...

Neglect communication skills and you limit your happiness
and success. And by default you give others control over
your life. The only way to be the master of your destiny is
to take charge. Know what you really want and have the
courage to stand up and be counted.

What Works Best?

In my own experience and that of thousands of
people who use my approach each day -- it is
absolutely realistic for you to make a massive
and immediate improvement in your quality of life
WHEN you get your hands on accurate advice and
techniques that work for real people like you and
I.

You really do deserve to be respected and appreciated
by the people in your life. You already know deep down
that you want your voice to be heard. You want to
count.

Having said that I must warn you - do not test my
step by step system unless you can follow
instructions. I tell you exactly what you need to
do to develop superior people skills but I cannot
do it for you.

Applying the principles and techniques is up to
you. That´s why now is the ideal time for you to
get your hands on my proven step by step system -
test it for 365 days and prove to yourself that
advanced communication skills are easy to learn
when you have accurate information.

Why not reserve your 365 day trial:

communication skills course

Your Friend,

Peter

[MINDLESS15]

Oooppss..

All that body of type wasn't suppose to paste...I was trying to link in the link only it didn't work. Sorry about that... Well guess you could pick out certain pointers. I know your problem isn't the communication itself but the 'meaning/value' of it I guess..

Sorry again for that long post..

[Pequod]

Ok, so I get that you want more emotionally charged conversations instead of fact-based conversations.

Some idea's:
- talk about what interests you, preferrably with someone that also takes an interest in it (for example, if you like chess, then talk about it at your chess club)
- talk about what the other interests: his or her enthousiasm can be contagious
- work on your humour and spontaneity skills: I used to be painfully shy, but after I started to do improvisation my social skills skyrocketed. It does take some balls but it's well worth the effort!
- work on your self esteem. The best attitude is that anything you say is worthwile, not because the content of it, but because YOU are saying it.
- in your imagination, put a bubble of golden/white light around the two of you when you are talking. And you can intend that you will have a great conversation that is beneficial for both of you

I must say that I've noticed that a problem like this has usually a deeper rootcause, but you can start by trying these idea's (and that of others in this thread) and see how it goes. From the experience you gain from that, you can go further. Let us know how it goes!

[The Cloud]

I know what you're talking about, as I have the same problem. It's like, even when you're talking about emotions you feel emotionally disconnected with the topic. As if the emotions have nothing to do with you or the person you're talking to.

I think that this is a sign of being disconnected with our own emotions. If we can't connect with ourselves, then how can we expect to connect with other people? As for the solution, I don't know what it could be beyond reconnecting with ourselves, however that may be accomplished.

[Sanity Panda]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I know what you're talking about, as I have the same problem. It's like, even when you're talking about emotions you feel emotionally disconnected with the topic. As if the emotions have nothing to do with you or the person you're talking to.

I think that this is a sign of being disconnected with our own emotions. If we can't connect with ourselves, then how can we expect to connect with other people? As for the solution, I don't know what it could be beyond reconnecting with ourselves, however that may be accomplished.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. Occasionally I've managed to connect to close friends when discussing our dreams, emotions and experiences. I can feel it.

However there's alot more times where you don't connect at all. You can be sharing matters close to the heart, but it doesn't feel like a bonding experience, it's just data.

It definitely appears to be a matter of perception. What made you come to the conclusion that it's about being disconnected with our emotions?

[Sanity Panda]

Originally Posted by Pequod

Ok, so I get that you want more emotionally charged conversations instead of fact-based conversations.

Some idea's:
- talk about what interests you, preferrably with someone that also takes an interest in it (for example, if you like chess, then talk about it at your chess club)
- talk about what the other interests: his or her enthousiasm can be contagious
- work on your humour and spontaneity skills: I used to be painfully shy, but after I started to do improvisation my social skills skyrocketed. It does take some balls but it's well worth the effort!
- work on your self esteem. The best attitude is that anything you say is worthwile, not because the content of it, but because YOU are saying it.
- in your imagination, put a bubble of golden/white light around the two of you when you are talking. And you can intend that you will have a great conversation that is beneficial for both of you

I must say that I've noticed that a problem like this has usually a deeper rootcause, but you can start by trying these idea's (and that of others in this thread) and see how it goes. From the experience you gain from that, you can go further. Let us know how it goes!

I've got to admit when somebody is enthuastic I feel connected much better to them. I'm drawn to positivity.

Thanks for these wonderful suggestions. You are right about the last paragraph but it's difficult to identify what exactly it's connected to. May I ask what sort of improvisation did you do? It sounds fun. Was it related to comedy?

Originally Posted by Mindless15

Link

Thank you for the data.

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by Sanity Panda

May I ask what sort of improvisation did you do? It sounds fun. Was it related to comedy?

Yes, I've done improvisation theater where you build a scene on the spot, based on suggestions from the public. Steve has blogged about it too.

Also I've don theater sports. This is improv theater where 2 teams are playing against each other. The public and 3 judges decide who wins.

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I know what you're talking about, as I have the same problem. It's like, even when you're talking about emotions you feel emotionally disconnected with the topic. As if the emotions have nothing to do with you or the person you're talking to.

I think that this is a sign of being disconnected with our own emotions. If we can't connect with ourselves, then how can we expect to connect with other people? As for the solution, I don't know what it could be beyond reconnecting with ourselves, however that may be accomplished.

I recognize this The Cloud! And Sanity Panda also, I see in another post.

Years ago I felt completely disconnected from the rest of humanity, I was very shy and depressed. I was so disconnected from my emotions that I wasn't even aware of my depression! If someone asked me my opinion about something, I could tell him, but if he asked me what I liked to do, the God-honest-truth was that I couldn't think of anything.

Fortunately I was able to get out of this rut, I'll tell about my "process" and insights, maybe it gives you some ideas to work with.

Shyness is i.m.o. the inability to express your true self. This inability is usually caused by repression of your true self in your early years. If a little kid gets too often negative feedback when he expresses himself, he will later on start to censor himself before others will put him down. If this goes too far he will end up being painfully shy.

Just look at little kid of, say 2 years old. They are never shy. Life for them is filled with joy and exciting explorations. Only when they get older, they can become shy.

Now, if you are always repressing yourself, at some point you won't notice your impulses anymore. You've become so accustomed to ignoring them, that it has become an unconsciouss habit. In extreme cases you can loose all connection with your inner life.

Because I was always ignoring my emotions, and couldn't express any negative emotions, the negative emotions pent up. All those pent up negative emotions made it more dangerous to really feel my emotions, so I repressed and ignored my emotions even more. In the end I was hardly aware of any emotion at all and became depressed.

My first breakthrough was that I finally realized that life wasn't going the way I wanted, and I took responsability for making it better. In the course of several years I worked at making my life better, and nowadays it's better than ever before. The old, depressed days are only a dim memory. There is no negative emotion attached to it any more.

I think that a few things were very important:
1. First I learned how to deal with emotions
2. Then I worked through old emotions that were still in my system
3. Only after 1 and 2 I was able to start building the life that I really want (Finding my purpose, goalsetting, effective use of LoA and visualizing, being joyfull most of the time etc)

Many people on this forum say "forget the past and start living your life as yo want it". Well, that is sound advise if you can do it. But when the past hounds you such that you cannot formulate a exciting perspective of your future, or cannot hold that picture in your mind, then you must first work through your issues.

I hope that this post is helpful. If you want more details, just ask!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Sanity Panda

That's exactly what I'm talking about. Occasionally I've managed to connect to close friends when discussing our dreams, emotions and experiences. I can feel it.

However there's alot more times where you don't connect at all. You can be sharing matters close to the heart, but it doesn't feel like a bonding experience, it's just data.

It definitely appears to be a matter of perception. What made you come to the conclusion that it's about being disconnected with our emotions?

Well, why wouldn't we be connected to the information that we're sharing? Because we don't want to be. We don't want the other person to know that these emotions, these communications, are actually connected with us. We don't want them to know it because we don't want to know it ourselves. We think that feeling emotion is pain and weakness, but if we don't acknowledge the emotion then it can't hurt us and we aren't weak. So even when we talk about it, it's an emotion, somebody else's emotion, an emotion disconnected from a body. We don't want anyone to know that we are sad, we don't even want to know ourselves if we are sad. We would rather ignore it or bury it, in an effort to not feel sad.

Unfortunately, it seems to extend to all emotions, not just negative ones. So being happy, acknowledging that we are truly happy, becomes just as anathema as conveying sadness or anger. We can use the words, but we can't let them carry any of the emotion from us.

[Rose of Cairo]

Sanity Panda, to me you come across as a very kind person. So in my opinion the problem is not a flaw or a lack of heart on your side. I agree with Cloud: I too think it's probably about being poorly connected to yourself.

How well are you connected with your body? Do you live completely in your head, or can you feel your inner body? That's the energy field you feel in your body from inside. How much of your awareness resides in your body usually?

And something else, how well do you feel what your body needs, in terms of food, sleep, exercise...? Some people are very well aware of their body's needs whereas others have a hard time figuring out what they want to eat or when they are tired or why they feel bad physically.

How well are you connected with your emotions? Do you feel them strongly or not? When you feel an emotion, can you describe in concrete words how it feels, or is it more like an idea? Can you tell where in or around your body it manifests? Can you deal with them without suppressing them?

Are you aware of your feelings? Can you describe them? Do you notice them immediately when they appear, or only later? Do you tend to push them away or deny them, or do you acknowledge them?

Do you know what you want? Are you aware of your desires?

In case you lack connection to your body, emotions etc, it could be worthwhile to practice increasing your awareness in those areas. I know maybe this feels completely off-topic now, but I bet it's not. Get in touch with yourself, you'll get in touch with others

There's also the energy level: do you cleanse your chakras? Maybe some of your chakras are clogged, like heart or throat. Erin wrote a post about what chakras are, how to cleanse them and what the benefits are.

And for the mindset/beliefs level, Steve wrote an interesting post about Soulful Relationships, I think it could help you a lot.

Also, reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle might help if you haven't read it yet. And The Work of Byron Katie could be applied in this case too.

Hope some of this helps in some way!

Much Love to you Keep us posted, let us know how you're doing!

[mattpd]

Think of conversation like a skill, like riding a bike.

The best thing with conversation is that you can practice it with everything, and there are a million cool books on the subject. Its weird how we spend a large percentage of our life talking, but not that many people have studied on how to do it better.

Try not to associate your identity with your conversation skills, as this always makes it hard to improve them. Try not to think how you communicate is who you are as a person, it really is not.

I train people on conversation and I'll get a guy who says similar things to you, and within 15 minutes I've retrained him and his conversation is awesome. Forget the fact he's spent the past 12 years thinking that his conversational ability meant there was something wrong with him, and he kept asking the "why" which led him around in circles the whole time.