Heartbreak - same old, same old.

[forynav]

So, I told a friend, I love her. She was decent enough to listen me out and then plead with me to let things be the way they are.

Ya bummer and I'm blacking in and out of my bawls.

(which is really funny to look at like in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall")

I know the only solution is to get another girl. And I'm not exactly casanova.

Any pointers would help.

Also, I'm thankful I learnt an imp lesson to not throw in my heart away randomly.

I'm still not sure whether I really loved her, or if I wanted love so bad that I looked upon her as an answer. Then again, maybe I'm trying to downplay my feelings for her to make the rejection hurt less. Gotta love shrinking myself.

[mattpd]

yeah man you were super lame!

In the future, never, I mean never, verbalize your intent like that.

Just touch her, and move it forward physically.

And quit the nice guy routine, and get your pickup game in order.

[Tom Church]

Getting another girl is not the only solution. Free yourself from attachment first, and learn to love yourself. Currently you're saying you need another girl. Neediness isn't attractive, be self-reliant and comfortable within yourself.

Perhaps a reason why you aren't a Casanova is because you haven't learnt this yet, indeed, few of us have. Work on things you enjoy, develop skills and talents. It's these that provide attraction.

As for voicing your words of love, you should be proud of yourself. It's a massive hurdle to cross and you smashed it down. You showed yourself that love is important to you and that you have confidence.

[forynav]

Originally Posted by Tom Church

Getting another girl is not the only solution. Free yourself from attachment first, and learn to love yourself. Currently you're saying you need another girl. Neediness isn't attractive, be self-reliant and comfortable within yourself.

Perhaps a reason why you aren't a Casanova is because you haven't learnt this yet, indeed, few of us have. Work on things you enjoy, develop skills and talents. It's these that provide attraction.

As for voicing your words of love, you should be proud of yourself. It's a massive hurdle to cross and you smashed it down. You showed yourself that love is important to you and that you have confidence.

thats the only thing that brings a semblance of a smile to me. Ya, I should work on letting go of the attachment. I mean, some part of me knew this was gonna hurt, but I guess it was too damn seductive

@ matt: ur absolutely right man. I messed up the kino and ended up sabotaging the whole thing. Do u think it'll work if from now on if my words are platonic and my actions aren't?

Thank you so much for your kind words, guys

[lasti]

Originally Posted by Tom Church

Getting another girl is not the only solution. Free yourself from attachment first, and learn to love yourself. Currently you're saying you need another girl. Neediness isn't attractive, be self-reliant and comfortable within yourself.

As for voicing your words of love, you should be proud of yourself. It's a massive hurdle to cross and you smashed it down. You showed yourself that love is important to you and that you have confidence.

Exactly! Very good advice here!
As for casanova skills: I think that's not important. I've never fallen in love with somebody because of his dating skills. If you want to work on something, though, you may work on your ability to connect and be in a state of love.

[jamestl2]

Just don't "look" for someone, don't put effort into thinking about her (Because it'll likely *never* happen). if there really *is* someone out there for you, you'll come across her path eventually. But even if you don't, why worry about it?

Also, check out the mental tips I just gave here:
a boy, a girl (and one more boy)

[seo1]

Originally Posted by mattpd

yeah man you were super lame!

In the future, never, I mean never, verbalize your intent like that.

Just touch her, and move it forward physically.

And quit the nice guy routine, and get your pickup game in order.

That's really shallow talk mattpd... the kinds of girls that people "pickup" are not the one's worth having. Why would anyone want to live such a shallow existance? It's not a game. It's not like scoring points to win mvp or anything. Besides most of those girls are airheads. Not all but many... the quality ones are harder to find. The ones that you go out to the clubs to "pickup" are usually not very interested in developing into balanced people. They are mostly hedonists.

I'm a nice guy and I get hit on all the time by very attractive girls/women. I'm just so picky about shallowness/character traits and emotional compatibility that I hardly ever bite.

You can be a nice guy and still be attractive to women. It's just the confidence factor that many nice guys lack that gets them into trouble.

[mattpd]

Originally Posted by seo1

That's really shallow talk mattpd... the kinds of girls that people "pickup" are not the one's worth having. Why would anyone want to live such a shallow existance? It's not a game. It's not like scoring points to win mvp or anything. Besides most of those girls are airheads. Not all but many... the quality ones are harder to find. The ones that you go out to the clubs to "pickup" are usually not very interested in developing into balanced people. They are mostly hedonists.

I'm a nice guy and I get hit on all the time by very attractive girls/women. I'm just so picky about shallowness/character traits and emotional compatibility that I hardly ever bite.

You can be a nice guy and still be attractive to women. It's just the confidence factor that many nice guys lack that gets them into trouble.

I disagree, thats a common limiting belief. I think the women I am best with on average tend to be extremely beautiful and highly, I mean highly, intelligent. Those who are involved in a career that is very challenging, I'm not one for dating air heads.

Nice guys are boring! Unless the woman is looking for a husband than it can be good, but the 'provider' type guys don't really get to enjoy the types of relationships I do.

Look, this guy telling a 'friend' he loves her and she 'listening him out' is totally terrible, its never going to work, ever. Its like super lame. He's got no reason to be heartbroken, he brought it all onto himself. I've seen this scenario a million times.

[seo1]

Originally Posted by mattpd

I disagree, thats a common limiting belief. I think the women I am best with on average tend to be extremely beautiful and highly, I mean highly, intelligent. Those who are involved in a career that is very challenging, I'm not one for dating air heads.

Nice guys are boring! Unless the woman is looking for a husband than it can be good, but the 'provider' type guys don't really get to enjoy the types of relationships I do.

Look, this guy telling a 'friend' he loves her and she 'listening him out' is totally terrible, its never going to work, ever. Its like super lame. He's got no reason to be heartbroken, he brought it all onto himself. I've seen this scenario a million times.

That may be true. I think that I'm the type that only gets satisfaction with overall compatibility. If it's not a good fit for both of us than I find that it isn't worth pursuing. I guess I'm not turned on to short-term, romantic relationships. It seems pointless to get involved in these types of relationships because they aren't as fulfilling as the long-term ones based on high levels of compatibility. I guess I just look for good, balanced people and not just pieces of ass... not saying you do. The whole club scene turns me off because of the type of people that you usually encounter.

In the end I suppose it's just a matter of personal preference.

[forynav]

OK, I prolly should give more detail.

I started (the relationship) by teasing her, busting her balls, there was definite energy and tension there. I even did some kino like pulling her hair. We were basically flirting.

I'm always casual and funny and most of the time I have her laughing tears. She even laughs at the things that arent funny. So, well, I assumed she likes me. My bad.

It is not as if I'm doting on her, sending her flowers, or one of those 'orbiters' u see arnd gals.

My main mistake was not escalating at the right time, and then letting things fizzle out. I still thought I'll take a chance - it didnt work out.

You play a game, you win or lose.

Like I said, this is an important lesson for me. Never throw in my heart aimlessly. Work her through the seduction and escalate like a real man into a full, blooming relationship.

[mattpd]

Originally Posted by seo1

That may be true. I think that I'm the type that only gets satisfaction with overall compatibility. If it's not a good fit for both of us than I find that it isn't worth pursuing. I guess I'm not turned on to short-term, romantic relationships. It seems pointless to get involved in these types of relationships because they aren't as fulfilling as the long-term ones based on high levels of compatibility. I guess I just look for good, balanced people and not just pieces of ass... not saying you do. The whole club scene turns me off because of the type of people that you usually encounter.

In the end I suppose it's just a matter of personal preference.

I think serious long term relationships are by the far the most fulfilling and enjoyable, no question there. I'm much more a girlfriend guy than a casual sex guy, but that doesn't stop me from having my most funnest possible time in-between girlfriends.

I doubt anybody would really choose short-term flings over something on a more serious level if it was really awesome. Statistically men get far more sexual enjoyment from longer-term relationships as well.

But in my experience you are more likely to find the right serious relationship if you are playing the field and coming from a place of abundance. And you are also more likely to be an awesome partner.

I always laugh when some guy who can't pickup tells me he isn't into one-night-stands, and tells me all the stuff why - not saying this is you. its like a guy who is broke telling me he doesn't like Porsches.

[forynav]

I talked to a mutual friend. She told me not to give up on her so easily. What would she think if I just gave up so fast? Persistence is key. She will eventually come around.

Now, I'm really confused. Do I let go or live on hope (false or real) ?

Let me add a bit more and thanks so much for responding guys. It really helps.

I feel I have planted the seed now in her mind making me a romantic possibility. I mean, when I started flirting, she wasn't the end, she was a means for me to better my social skills. Then, the constant teasing by my friends and her friends somehow led me to believe that she likes me and brought me to this situation. The belief that she likes led me to like her.

So, what I'll do is just feel happy in this new found feelings within me (opening my heart - the Love Meditation) and continue sending Love to her. Some part of me REALLY believes this is a possibility. Aren't beliefs supposed to manifest reality?

When do beliefs become delusions?

[Mewwy]

From a woman's point of view: Don't verbalize love so soon. It doesn't matter if you mean to play a pickup game or not.

[forynav]

Thx Mewwy. I realize that now, stupid me. But, my question is do I persist or not?

It is kinda tough to get over her completely, as I meet her every day.

[mattpd]

Originally Posted by forynav

Thx Mewwy. I realize that now, stupid me. But, my question is do I persist or not?

It is kinda tough to get over her completely, as I meet her every day.

Don't persist, find another women.

Funnily enough if you do want her back, your best chances lie in actually getting on with your life and improving yourself, rather than actively trying to get her to like you.

[ns123]

Hey, I just wanted to let you (the OP) know, that it's possible to move from the "friend" zone into the "boyfriend" zone. But you have to get physical, escalate your flirting, and make your move at the right moment.

You discussing your feelings with her was a really bad idea. Now she knows it direct and it's not possible to become more than just a friend anymore. So find some one else.

This advice I give you is really from my own experience, so take from it what you will.

I was faced with the same situation, with two different guys. I studied a non-female dominated profession, most of my friends were guys. Both of them were friends, and I already had a boyfriend at the time. One guy, declared his love for me, which made me eliminate him immediately. We flirted a lot, but when he declared his love for me, that was the end of it.

The other guy, same thing, he liked me a lot and wanted me in a really bad way. But he never declared his love for me. He waited until my boyfriend at the time was away at an internship, made his move, and um... I married him and had his baby. I'm still married to him, and he's bald, average looking, with love handles, and I'm crazy about him. I say he's average, because that's what others think when they see his face, but I think he's HOT. In fact, many of his friends are like, dude, how did you ever land such a woman?

I really admire your courage and honesty in declaring your feelings for the girl you liked. But for me, that move is a killer. If she sees you as a friend, this move will put you in the "no" zone forever. I wish it wasn't this way, and I'm sorry to say that I refused honesty and courage over a sly and sneaky approach. And I'm not one of those girls that want a bad-boy either. My husband is as good-boy as you can get.

So, find a different girl. And um, sorry to say, but really, that PUA stuff does work. On hot, intelligent women. Yes, it does. And I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit it.

[forynav]

ns123, thank you for that post!

And thank you, matt for staying with me even though I "irritated" you with my n00bity in social skills

This forum is really wonderful with lots of cool people. I'm gonna enjoy this.

[ken nubo]

Goes back to the same adage:

"Go out there and meet new people!"

Or, if you want to take it to the extreme, do what I did:

Spent 2 years, going out 4 times a week to the bar/street/mall and learning the art of pick up (Okay, sounds corny, I know)

But after 2 years of going out, my social skills is highly calibrated and I can get a date whenever I go out.

Again, hard path but it works.

----
Runescape Like Games (Free)

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by ns123

The other guy, same thing, he liked me a lot and wanted me in a really bad way. But he never declared his love for me. He waited until my boyfriend at the time was away at an internship, made his move, and um... I married him and had his baby.

So you cheated on him?


@forynav = Don't you see the torture you're putting yourself through? Isn't this one of the worst feelings you've *ever* had? Don't you want it to go away?

If you find something else (like a hobby or something) to occupy your thoughts (well, most of them), and just work to COMPLETELY forget about her, don't you think you'd be A LOT better off?

Why put yourself through all the mental torture?

Like you said:

You play a game, you win or lose.

And I don't think you've won....

[forynav]

ya man, I'm slowly getting there. Accepting reality and all..

[ns123]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

So you cheated on him?

I can see how you would come to this conclusion, with the non-level of detail.

I don't believe I cheated on the out of town boyfriend.

He (my boyfriend at the time) knew that I had many male friends and would regularly go out with them, as friends. He met many of them and have hung out with them with me, but they were still my friends, not his. While he was out of town, I didn't do anything different, just continued to hang out with my friends (who happened to be male) like I normally did. I just realized, while he was out of town, I would rather be (sexually) with this other guy (my husband now) instead. So when he got back in town, I broke up with boyfriend and husband was new boyfriend. Back then, for me, the difference in being a male friend and a boyfriend was sex.

Funnily enough, once husband was my boyfriend, I didn't hang around other guy friends as much. I just didn't want to.

I know I sound nonchalant regarding boyfriend, but I really was not. He knew our level of commitment so he was not heartbroken. If he was, he didn't show it.

[jamestl2]

I didn't "conclude" that you cheated, I was just asking the question.

That part of your story made it sound like you did to me, but I wasn't sure. You said the BF was out of town so the other guy put the "moves" on you (as opposed to declaring his love). So wasn't sure what else that could have meant. Or why you fell for one guy but not the other.

Not meaning to pry here or anything, they're just the generalizations one like myself may arrive at by reading into the story.

[ns123]

jameslt2,

ah, I get you now.
Put the moves meant that he escalated the level of hanging out (deliberately) to be more of a romantic nature. examples:
1. he bought me flowers
2. he invited me to go star gazing, with star charts and maps
3. he cooked for me and planned a whole picnic outing with me

He did this before he declared his love for me. And yes, he did eventually tell me his true feelings, but only AFTER I had already felt the same.

My point to the OP was, unfortunately, total honesty before she has decided anything more than just friends, puts you in the no zone forever. What my husband did, romancing me, under the guise of yeah-I-understand-we-are-just-friends, when he knew that was not really what he was up to, that was sly and sneaky. But it worked. And I'm sad to admit that sly and sneaky won over courage and honesty.

But thanks for helping me clear that up. And no problem - if my past experience can help some body understand things better, I like to share it.

[forynav]

The funny thing was I felt she liked me. And it was upto me as a man to face the fear of rejection and give the power to her.

Anyways, I'm happy to say the delerium is passing now and am able to appreciate the advice here more.