I'm pregnant

[Enlightenment]

So, here it is, I'm pregnant. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad about it, I'm just tired. For 8 years, I purposely stayed away from dating and men because I was so afraid of getting pregnant again. My last pregnancy was a very lonely time as my ex left me alone to deal with everything. Although I did learn from it and it made me a stronger person and I love my two children deeply.

Several months ago (when I turned 40) I decided to start dating again. I met a guy online and we saw each other a few times. Then, against my better judgement, we became intimate. This happened only once and things didn't really develop relationship-wise after that. No surprise there. But although we used protection, I still got pregnant. I haven't told him yet, he's gone on a trip to europe for a few weeks.

I don't want anything from him. In fact, I doubt he can offer much. From what I saw of him, he was not the most responsive, or empathetic person, therefore, I don't know what kind of father he would be. Although I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions. I am also afraid he will suggest I terminate the pregnancy. I don't know if I could follow this suggestion.

I know, this is a never ending debate and a heated issue, but, at this stage, I'm just looking for any thoughts or opinions. Thank you.

E

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

So, here it is, I'm pregnant. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad about it, I'm just tired. For 8 years, I purposely stayed away from dating and men because I was so afraid of getting pregnant again. My last pregnancy was a very lonely time as my ex left me alone to deal with everything. Although I did learn from it and it made me a stronger person and I love my two children deeply.

Several months ago (when I turned 40) I decided to start dating again. I met a guy online and we saw each other a few times. Then, against my better judgement, we became intimate. This happened only once and things didn't really develop relationship-wise after that. No surprise there. But although we used protection, I still got pregnant. I haven't told him yet, he's gone on a trip to europe for a few weeks.

I don't want anything from him. In fact, I doubt he can offer much. From what I saw of him, he was not the most responsive, or empathic person, therefore, I don't know what kind of father he would be. Although I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions. I am also afraid he will suggest I terminate the pregnancy. I don't know if I could follow this suggestion.

I know, this is a never ending debate and a heated issue, but, at this stage, I'm just looking for any thoughts or opinions. Thank you.

E

But it will change your life for the better. You will have someone who will love you forever. It made me grow up and get organized and made me realize all the things I was doing to hurt myself.

Maybe it happened for a reason. Only you know. No one else can tell you. Listen to your heart.

[Erin Pavlina]

Are you in a position to care for a baby and still generate an income for yourself?

Were you planning to have children at some point in your life? I know you said you were 40 so this could be your last opportunity, you never know.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

But although we used protection, I still got pregnant.

How on earth could this happen??

I'm sending you much love!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

I know, this is a never ending debate and a heated issue, but, at this stage, I'm just looking for any thoughts or opinions. Thank you.

Hi, Enlightenment. My thoughts and opinions are that I am very trusting that you will make exactly the right choices for yourself, and that my heart is with you during this challenging time. Whatever you decide to do, I am hoping that you make your well-being your number one priority now -- take very good care of your body, mind and spirit, so that you have as much personal power as you possibly can muster. And lots of sleep!

Much love and good wishes to you.
Angela

[MINDLESS15]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

So, here it is, I'm pregnant. I'm not happy
E

You have two kids already, 8yrs is a long time later no? Is it important for that child to have a father? Is it important for that child to have a 'happy' mother, a not so 'tired' mother....

I purposely stayed away from dating and men because I was so afraid of getting pregnant again. My last pregnancy was a very lonely time as my ex left me alone to deal with everything.

Dating would mean you get pregnant, sorry. You say you're tire, your last pregnancy was lonely, you had to deal with everything...you mentioned this guy doesn't seem like the ideal man/father....what do you think would make this pregnancy any different than that last one?

You do have two children you've seem to have done great with so...

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by MINDLESS15

Dating would mean you get pregnant, sorry.

I've had plenty of dates without getting pregnant! Goodness!!

Enlightenment, I believe you will know in your heart and gut exactly what to do. When I got pregnant with my oldest son, I honestly didn't know what I would do - single, not wanting to be with the Dad, prone to depression, etc. I opted not to have an abortion, and when I was about 4 months pregnant, and I looked in the mirror, I heard "mom" - that's when I knew I would keep him! It's been an amazing journey.

You'll know when you know! Take good care of yourself!!

[Enlightenment]

Rose of Cairo, nevermind, before I got pregnant with my youngest daughter who is 7 now, we used 3 modes of protection: sponge, condom, and morning after pill....she still was conceived. That's how it happens with me, and that's why I waited 8 years to date again. Now can you see my frustration?

Erin, thanks for your comments. I do work from home thankfully. And it's not really about finances, it's more about support and encouragement. I just remember being in labour the last time and turning to my friend (who was the only one there besides the doctor's team) and saying, 'I can't do this." and she said , 'Sure you can, just push when the doctor says.' and I replied, 'No, I can't do THIS!' meaning I can't have another child knowing I'd be alone. She didn't say anything.

However, I look back, and although there were times when I was even scorned for being on my own, I still made it through. Some even call me successful, although I'm just trying to seek 'enlightenment'. Maybe Dannyboy1 is right, maybe, yet again, this has happened for a reason.

I don't know what I will say to the father...I haven't really thought about it as it's rather frightening. But if any guys and/or fathers out there have any advice on how to break to him so as to not make matters worse, let me know. However, I realise that ulitmately this is my decision, which is a burden and a blessing at the same time.

Mindless15, I'm not sure I quite understand what you are saying...could you clarify a bit?

Anyway, thanks so far for your support everyone.

E

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by MINDLESS15

You have two kids already, 8yrs is a long time later no? Is it important for that child to have a father? Is it important for that child to have a 'happy' mother, a not so 'tired' mother....
Dating would mean you get pregnant, sorry. You say you're tire, your last pregnancy was lonely, you had to deal with everything...you mentioned this guy doesn't seem like the ideal man/father....what do you think would make this pregnancy any different than that last one?

You do have two children you've seem to have done great with so...

She knows her options. To advise abortion to someone you don't even know is highly irresponsible. She shouldn't be pushed in any direction. She should just be supported.

I mean, it's fine to be pro choice, but it's wrong to push people toward abortion. They tried to do that to my wife at planned parenthood. It's not your life. It's hers.

[MINDLESS15]

Whoa..DannyBoy, no I did not suggest that, I wouldn't push that on anyone. I merely pointed out the downsides of what she, herself clearly mentioned about 'her' feelings on 'her' situation. It seems that she has more negative emotions/thoughts/feelings about her situation that obliviosly can't be ignored. Abortion is not a solution to push, I just know it's not easy not to have the proper support. My mom was a single mom and disliked it so much, it was hard for her...for me. Still is. I lost her a long time ago. Not projecting here but I just heard more of the bad from Enlightment.

Enlightment
My last words were: You do have two children you've seem to have done great with so...(that was meant as a very positive thing)

Basically, I get that you've done well with your decisions. The con is that you've had a 'lonely' time during your past pregnancy and correct me if I'm wrong but little support(emotionally)... But again, you got through it either way. It's horrible that you do go through the right process or protection and still end up pregnant. I still think that you.. knowing how your body works(how it's worked and how protection has failed you), you don't let the guy go to his 'extent' with chances of resulting in pregnancy. Those are my two cents on that. A bit harsh perhaps, I'm sorry. I do wish you only the best.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by MINDLESS15

My last words were: You do have two children you've seem to have done great with so...(that was meant as a very positive thing)

I thought you meant she already did the kid thing, so... My mistake.

[MINDLESS15]

NP Dannyboy.

Point exactly on that, she has already done the kid thing(is doing it) so it's a no brainer that she CAN do it herself..it's just the unfriendly reminder of how very difficult it can be and is.

It's a child's life and 'her' life. It's like the, many, many lives that are brought into this world and the parents aren't prepared or what not and so...here we are..all grown up w/ issues..issues from our childhood, things that are blamed on parents or lack there of and so on... it's just such a tough situation all around.

[mncz]

Dear Enlightenment,
Take your time to think this through. Look deep inside you. Perhaps your heart will tell you that this child is special and lovable and has come for a reason for you. Perhaps it will tell you that you are simply not ready for another child at this time. Either way, don't be afraid to choose what is best for you. What is important in this choice is to be true to yourself. Look at the reasons why you would want to keep this child. Look at reasons why you would rather not do it. Talk to the spirit of your baby. Ask him to forgive you for having this doubt. Explain to him that it is only human. He knows you and loves you unconditionally and listens to you. And whatever you choose to do, be aligned with truth and love. Do not give in to fear of anything.

I got pregnant unexpectedly seven months ago and after a lot of thought and invaluable support from my family and this forum I decided to not to carry through pregnancy. I still think it was the right decision for me. But you are different and your reasons will be different, so my decision is by no means an advice. I just want to share that I have (sort of) been in your situation and I know that it is a very hard choice to make.

I send you lots of love.

[dancer]

I also send you love, Enlighenment.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by MINDLESS15

NP Dannyboy.

Point exactly on that, she has already done the kid thing(is doing it) so it's a no brainer that she CAN do it herself..it's just the unfriendly reminder of how very difficult it can be and is.

It's a child's life and 'her' life. It's like the, many, many lives that are brought into this world and the parents aren't prepared or what not and so...here we are..all grown up w/ issues..issues from our childhood, things that are blamed on parents or lack there of and so on... it's just such a tough situation all around.

Whatever the heartaches, a baby always brings more joy than pain. You're never sorry they were born.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

You're never sorry they were born.

May be true for you, but not for everybody.

I don't want to be negative though. Enlightment, I know you'll make the choice that's right for you. Listen to your intuition. Sending love to you

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

May be true for you, but not for everybody.

I don't want to be negative though. Enlightment, I know you'll make the choice that's right for you. Listen to your intuition. Sending love to you

I don't know of anyone who had a baby and hated it. That's all I'm saying.

[mncz]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

I don't know of anyone who had a baby and hated it. That's all I'm saying.

Plenty of such people in the world, sadly.

[carenkh]

Through some of my volunteer work, I have, sadly, met many parents who hated having kids, hated their own kids, etc. I've heard some say it - but for most I saw, it was through their actions that their feelings were known.

People always say, "If you have a child, it means you'll learn responsibility!" Not always so.

[Technicolor Tim]

Sounds like a blessing to me, so.... Congratulations girl!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

I don't know of anyone who had a baby and hated it. That's all I'm saying.

I know a couple of people in that boat -- they don't hate the baby, but they hate the life they created for themselves because of having had the baby. So the baby grows up in a hated life. Yeechhh.

Both of those women feel they didn't give it enough thought when they found out they were pregnant; they were all dazzled by their romantic notions of what it would be like. Enlightenment has the advantage of having a (double!) idea of what comes with the territory, and she's mature enough to recognize what resources she has available and which will be more of a challenge, something a younger, less experienced woman might not think to size up.

[mattpd]

My god get rich becoming a scientific experiment on the most fertile person in the Universe.

[MINDLESS15]

I don't know of anyone who had a baby and hated it. That's all I'm saying.

Let me introduce you to somebody, my mother.

Like some have said here, unfortunately yes, there are people who have hated having their babies. As I said my mother is one of those, she always said, I wish I would have never had you, it's the worst thing I did, you shouldn't be here(if I had a penny for everytime I heard her say this)! Her bitterness and hatred made her into this walking ball of negativity and everything that is ugly...so much of that instilled in me as I grew up and I know that alot of my issues stem from that..

I personally love children, I worked for Childrens' Hospital for 8yrs and volunteer for Helping Hands for Children for 2 and I met some of the most wonderful people there! I learned and saw with my own two eyes (besides my mothers ideals) that where there are children there is hope regardless of any situation! I myself have vowed not to have children for my own reasons but I have and will continue to dedicated all the time I can to them in various ways.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Angela

I know a couple of people in that boat -- they don't hate the baby, but they hate the life they created for themselves because of having had the baby. So the baby grows up in a hated life. Yeechhh.

They should own up to their decisions and accept where they are at. It's their resistance to change that's causing the conflict, not the baby.

[Honeywith4bees]

Lots of love to you Enlightenment, no matter what you decide.

[mattpd]

Originally Posted by MINDLESS15

Let me introduce you to somebody, my mother.

Like some have said here, unfortunately yes, there are people who have hated having their babies. As I said my mother is one of those, she always said, I wish I would have never had you, it's the worst thing I did, you shouldn't be here(if I had a penny for everytime I heard her say this)! Her bitterness and hatred made her into this walking ball of negativity and everything that is ugly...so much of that instilled in me as I grew up and I know that alot of my issues stem from that..

I personally love children, I worked for Childrens' Hospital for 8yrs and volunteer for Helping Hands for Children for 2 and I met some of the most wonderful people there! I learned and saw with my own two eyes (besides my mothers ideals) that where there are children there is hope regardless of any situation! I myself have vowed not to have children for my own reasons but I have and will continue to dedicated all the time I can to them in various ways.

Wow, what a cow!

I hate people that mistreat children.

I donate 10% of my profits to a charity supporting children of child abuse.

It really sucks.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

They should own up to their decisions and accept where they are at. It's their resistance to change that's causing the conflict, not the baby.

You may very well be right. I just don't find that *shoulds* make any positive difference.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Angela

You may very well be right. I just don't find that *shoulds* make any positive difference.

...since it's the big word for self helpers to attack. They seem to not have taken responsibility for their actions.

[ZHereford]

Hi Enlightenment,

My heart goes out to you. These types of challenges are never easy to deal with.

My advice to you is to weigh this out in your mind, determine what you can and cannot live with, and then go with it. Whatever you decide will be right for you. There is no 'one size fits all' solution. What works for one person may not work for the next.

I wish you all the best!

[CatherineS]

Hi Enlightenment,

Although my situation was very different from yours, I will share it to explain my advice to you... I was 19 years old when I became pregnant a month after first losing my virginity to my boyfriend. I was in total shock and panic and, having very conservative parents and friends, made an immediate decision to have an abortion. And my boyfriend at the time was completely ready to keep it, and actually wanted to marry (he was in love with me--it wasn't just bc of the pregnancy). And yet I made this decision.

I made a mistake. And it's not the mistake you're thinking. Eight years later I can look back and say with faith that I believe it was a good decision for me at that time. But it's been a long road getting to that point. My mistake was made in not giving myself space for true, self-reflective introspection-- a chance to make the decision out of my Higher Self, you could say. Looking back, I can say I avoided this bc I was scared that I would reach the answer that I should have the child--and I just wouldn't LET myself face that possibility. It was like, I wanted to terminate before I let my conscience come through and guilt me into having it (that was my thinking back then). I would end it, THEN grieve and hate myself once the problem was gone. Of course this wasn't my conscious logic then, but that's just it--I was suppressing ANY consciousness.

So basically what I'm trying to say is, it's not so much the answer anyone can advise you on, but just that you absolutely LOSE all the social connotations of both options--carrying a baby to term or not--and really search yourself for what feels right to you in this moment--the present--the only thing there is! I don't know how much time you have left before the guy gets back, but perhaps sorting this out for yourself before taking on his emotions and concerns would be a good idea. Not that his should be discounted, bc once you do come to him, his thoughts and emotions of course should be weighed in as well.. but then at least you'll already have a solid, unbiased hold on your take on the situation. As much as is possible, at least.

I wish you great love and courage in whichever path you take!