am I a child

[evacorges]

when I feel upset if I make a simple meal with very little effort and my husband doesn't like it and eats very little of it, and allows the eldest child to do the same and now they have gone out together and I know they are eating some junk food at the local take-away?

His argument is that as I spent very little energy preparing this meal (which did contain all food groups) it is ok for him to act this way. If I had gone to great lenghts he would feel different about it.

I am grumpy about this, and at the same time feel like I might be responding childishly.

Is my reaction weird? I am so confused what to do about this...

[Akashic_Librarian]

Order yourself a takeaway and just sit there and eat it in front of them, because they obviously don't respect you.

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Order yourself a takeaway and just sit there and eat it in front of them, because they obviously don't respect you.

I'm not hungry, there wasn't anything wrong with the food. It was not burnt, it was not over- or undercooked... They just did not like the taste of it.

So this is a form of disrespectful behaviour? I struggle with the concept of respect I am beginning to see that I might be unwilling to face the fact that disrespect is around me more frequently than I would have expected.
I hate when reality smacks me in the face like that!

I don't really go for tit-for-tat behaviour of the type you are suggesting. I know who is not cooking tomorrow though...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by evacorges

Is my reaction weird? I am so confused what to do about this...

I think he's got some old pain self-beliefs that get reactivated and have him trying to prove their not true, and avoiding have anyone see that they are true. I suspect his have something to do with being unloveable or unworthy, and he unconsciously depends on you expending a great deal of energy to prepare meals in order to be a little satisfied that he's loveable or worthy. But it's never enough, because you can't fill a bottomless pit, and that's what our old pain beliefs have us being -- unsatisfiable. When you don't provide him with the "proof" he thinks he needs, the old pain jumps up like a frog in a blender, and tries to punish you for not giving him what you "owe" him.

So that, of course, reactivates YOUR old pain -- have you ever thought about what your self-belief is? Maybe it's something like "I'm not good enough"? Which has you scrambling to prove (like by satisfying his *needs*) that it's not true and avoiding having others see that it is true.

You're not a child, but you are being unconsciously run by a thought that originated in a child's head -- and it sure sounds like he is, too. So how do you interrupt this pattern, and avoid leaving it as a legacy to your children? You look at it square in the face. You acknowledge that you both have old ghosts making your choices for you, and you make a commitment to letting the ghost go and generating something that works better. You don't have to ask HIM to do this; you can do it all on your own -- you can interrupt the pattern all by yourself, without requiring him to do, say, or think anything. Seeing your own limiting beliefs also gives you more compassion for your husband's, and for everyone else's, too. Everybody has 'em!

Take a look at what your own belief might be, and ask yourself what would work better -- what would you be free to be in your marriage if you weren't believing that old saw about "I'm not good enough" (or whatever it turns out to be). Then ask yourself if you're willing to let go of what doesn't work, and to generate what works well.

[Akashic_Librarian]

That is the right attitude. At home (I am 17) I do a lot of my own cooking, I prefer to be honest, my parents basically said if you don't like what we are having you are quite free to make something else. That is the message you need to get across to them.

[Angela]

ahhh, your latest post... maybe look at "respect" and what it means about you. Like: "Disrespect is around me more frequently than I would have expected and that means that I am ______."

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Angela

Take a look at what your own belief might be, and ask yourself what would work better -- what would you be free to be in your marriage if you weren't believing that old saw about "I'm not good enough" (or whatever it turns out to be). Then ask yourself if you're willing to let go of what doesn't work, and to generate what works well.

Oh, mine is very simple, it runs "I am a failure" and "other people know what is best for me" I have been freeing myself from them, and not accepting forms of behaviour I used to submit to. It feels good, and I feel empowered when I act outside those beliefs. What works well is working with my strengths. One of my strenghts is that I can live with difficult people. One of my new questions is how badly I want to do that... different subject

Anyway, I think about what would happen if I just cooked what I like to eat without regard for what husband and children dislike. There are several dishes I never make because my husband has asked me not to. About 6 of them used to be winter staples for me. I'd love to have them back in my life, but I also want to cook stuff everyone will enjoy. And of course everything with dried beans in them is off limits, due to incompatibility with my husbands internal organs. I love dishes with brown beans...
I've been limiting myself more severely here than I realised... how do I fix this?

This whole event caught me completely off guard though - I went for a drive to clear my head. And realised the root of my anger here lies in the fact that I hold to the tradition that you eat what is put in front of you. My language even has a saying for that. And I thought I was married to someone who feels the same way. And it seems I am mistaken. Although he has now apologised and tried to close the subject.

I thought I was bigger than this - I would not have expected this to throw me like it has. Now that I've written all this down, I think it is the combination of both a broken unspoken agreement to eat what is put in front of you as well as my 'martyrdom' in removing all things my husband will not eat from my diet. asked and unasked.

Time for a conversation on both counts, I think. We need to sort out if we think it is important to eat what is prepared, and I need to find a way to eat what I like too!

Thanks Angela, you have created some new thoughts in my head

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Angela

ahhh, your latest post... maybe look at "respect" and what it means about you. Like: "Disrespect is around me more frequently than I would have expected and that means that I am ______."

__way too verbose___

I have big issues with respect. I find myself unable to answer the question and that always means there is an answer hiding in there I don't want to hear... I will be some time chasing it down

[C33]

Please excuse the question coming from someone who doesn't have to cook for others and is a feminist who believes in equality and task sharing...but why do you have to cook in the first place?

Can't your husband cook?

Everybody went for take away, meaning for what they wanted, and found nothing of leaving you alone at home. That means that in some sort of twisted way...they put more value in your cooking than in yourself, as a person...

I do understand the thing about traditions, being grateful for having food in your plate,etc...it's a sort of giving blessing and appreciating abundance.

Food is for you, a way to connect to your culture...am I wrong?

Why do you deprive yourself of that feeling by not cooking brown beans or any dishes that make you feel" at home". If you cook a big batch of it and freeze some, so you can have a treat once in a while, what's wrong with this? If you all eat at the same table and enjoy each other's company, who cares if you eat different things?

You are nurturing your loved ones with home cooked meals, at the same time, you are depriving yourself from what you crave/need.

Cooking for others is a form of nurturing, your family is blessed that they have a wife/mother to cook and care for them...They might enjoy some Mc Food but I am not sure they would appreciate some Mc Love, the kind you need to pay for, is bad for you, and doesn't satisfy for very long!

In the meantime, relax, enjoy the peace and quiet and devise ways to nurture yourself.

[Vasilisa]

It's strange, but it sounds like my situation in the past. I used to cook for my husband stuff he likes, but was never appreciated and more than ones he would just go and grab something in a fast-food joint or just come home after he's eaten some junk and wouldn't eat anything I'd cooked.
I just stopped cooking for him eventually and fed only myself and a child with my favorite food.

I think that the issue is more in the lack of respect for people and taking other people's love and care for granted.
If a person puts an effort to cook specially for me I'll eat it no matter what it tastes like, just out of respect and appreciation that somebody thought about me and cooked for me.
And I want other people to treat me the same way (And I'm not such a bad cook either. I'm throwing big parties and people lo-ove my food).

Just stop cooking for your husband all together. If he doesn't like it explain that he should be more grateful and stop taking you for granted.

[duffy123]

Everyone has things he or she dislikes, especially a child. Maybe your husband is the child of your family!
I think that this kind of things shouldn't be an issue at all, he could have made something else in stead of fastfood? Is he an extreme bad cook? Scrambled eggs is very easy!

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by C33

Please excuse the question coming from someone who doesn't have to cook for others and is a feminist who believes in equality and task sharing...but why do you have to cook in the first place?

Can't your husband cook?

He's a great cook. He just is not home a great deal of the time, and I am. The pattern grew on us. He used to cook for me all the time, back when we were students. Now I am a stay home mom (working on getting back to work now) I prepare the meals. We have now decided he will be planning dinner and cooking it on days he doesn't work. He did so this evening

Everybody went for take away, meaning for what they wanted, and found nothing of leaving you alone at home. That means that in some sort of twisted way...they put more value in your cooking than in yourself, as a person...

Well, apart from the fact that my youngest son did eat what he was given and did not go out, this is a painful way of looking at things! I will think on it though, as the logic seems correct and I am confused as to all the feelings I am feeling here...

I do understand the thing about traditions, being grateful for having food in your plate,etc...it's a sort of giving blessing and appreciating abundance.

And also very simply, I hate to throw food away. But what do you do with refused food? You can't just fry it up the next day... And eating what is prepared is also an appreciation of the effort made. Even if it was just a little effort in this case. I did make sure it was prepared as best as it could be.

Food is for you, a way to connect to your culture...am I wrong?

Why do you deprive yourself of that feeling by not cooking brown beans or any dishes that make you feel" at home". If you cook a big batch of it and freeze some, so you can have a treat once in a while, what's wrong with this? If you all eat at the same table and enjoy each other's company, who cares if you eat different things?

You are nurturing your loved ones with home cooked meals, at the same time, you are depriving yourself from what you crave/need.

Cooking for others is a form of nurturing, your family is blessed that they have a wife/mother to cook and care for them...They might enjoy some Mc Food but I am not sure they would appreciate some Mc Love, the kind you need to pay for, is bad for you, and doesn't satisfy for very long!

In the meantime, relax, enjoy the peace and quiet and devise ways to nurture yourself.

You are quite correct. I have thought of this now and in the past. I even made the attempt, but my old negative self-beliefs get in the way. Who am I that I need to have a different meal to the rest? I have to get over this in a hurry. I am not going to live the next 40 years not eating stuff I really enjoy.

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by duffy123

Everyone has things he or she dislikes, especially a child. Maybe your husband is the child of your family!
I think that this kind of things shouldn't be an issue at all, he could have made something else in stead of fastfood? Is he an extreme bad cook? Scrambled eggs is very easy!

You made me smile! He is a very good cook, and he has cooked something different in the past. I got very angry with him that time, too. I make such an effort to avoid cooking things he does not like...
And when we do eat something he can't or won't eat, I will provide him with something else to eat.
It just feels very wrong when two people refuse to eat a meal you prepared for them with all the energy at your disposal, and they leave the house and come back an hour or so later eating some luxury icecreams.

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

It's strange, but it sounds like my situation in the past. I used to cook for my husband stuff he likes, but was never appreciated and more than ones he would just go and grab something in a fast-food joint or just come home after he's eaten some junk and wouldn't eat anything I'd cooked.
I just stopped cooking for him eventually and fed only myself and a child with my favorite food.

I think that the issue is more in the lack of respect for people and taking other people's love and care for granted.
If a person puts an effort to cook specially for me I'll eat it no matter what it tastes like, just out of respect and appreciation that somebody thought about me and cooked for me.
And I want other people to treat me the same way (And I'm not such a bad cook either. I'm throwing big parties and people lo-ove my food).

Just stop cooking for your husband all together. If he doesn't like it explain that he should be more grateful and stop taking you for granted.

You understand my issue very well.
My husband is usually more appreciative of my cooking, he has even learned to make compliments where appropriate. This has only happened twice now, and that is why I was so confused how it could make me so upset as it did. Although he does sometimes eat at work if he knows I am making something he doesn't like so well. But he calls and tells me so beforehand and that's fine with me.
We had a talk about it and have decided that he plan and cook meals on days he is not working. I am really uninspired, cooking 7 days a week. We'll see how it goes

[duffy123]

He works a lot, doesn't he? For the other days just take a look at:
http://www.jamieoliver.com/Whatever he makes, it looks so simple you can hardly believe it.

Good luck.

[ns123]

For me, preparing a meal for some one is an act of love. When they reject the meal, I see it as rejecting my love. So it hurts me a lot.

My attitude, be honest with your husband. I told my husband directly that I love him, I cook for him because it is a way I express my love for him, if he doesn't eat it and eats junk food (ice cream, McDonalds, etc) he is rejecting my love.

So what happened with the food between us? Well, if he doesn't like a dish I make, he says, "Baby, thanks for making dinner, I appreciate you making this, but I don't like it. But I love you. Wanna go out?" If I don't want to go, I say so, and he goes, "Want me to pick something up for you?" and he goes out.

Same situation, he doesn't eat what I cook. But I feel less upset about it, now. And when he later "rejects" what I cook, I don't get upset about it, because we have already come to an agreement that he is not rejecting my love, but rejecting the food.

Food is no longer an issue for us, and has not been for quite some time.

Now, my parents on the other hand, reject my food all the time. And I don't cook for them because of it, but I cook for many friends. Cooking is a way I express love. And of course, my parents are hurt because I don't cook for them (express my love) after repeated rejections of my food. But that's a whole 'nother discussion that will make this post too long.

[Angela]

I think cooking and being served is very much like making love. You're actually putting something you've prepared into the body of your loved one, or being penetrated by food your loved one has prepared for you. (oooh, so graphic, huh? )

If someone cooks for me, I consider it to be a sacred act, and worthy of the greatest gratitude. Especially if there's foreplay in the form of guacamole. Wouldn't it be nice if people recognized the preciousness of this sacred act and didn't take it for granted?

At least, you can make it a sacred act if when you're doing it for yourself -- make love to yourself every time you prepare food. Put together a meal you love, and savor it with gratitude and love.

And let your husband watch.

[mattpd]

What did you cook?

Sorry, but I think you are being too sensitive.

If I made food and people didn't want to eat it and then bought take-away, I'd laugh, and go back to the drawing board.

Why do people take stuff so personally?

I think that my friends must have a thick skin with how direct and honest I can be...

[ns123]

Angela is right on, I see cooking/eating food as the same way as foreplay/sex.

mattpd, it food/cooking doesn't affect you much because you don't see it the same way I do. Which is fine.

(not addressed directly to mattpd...)
My point to the OP is, just tell him directly how you feel about it. But do it in such a way that is loving. Don't say, "why don't you eat what I cook? Don't you realize I cooked all this food for you, and now, you eat junk?" Instead, say, "I cook for you because I love you. Cooking is an act of love for me, when you reject the food, it feels as if you are rejecting my love." and have a honest, loving, open discussion about that.

Once I understood that saying no to food was not the same as saying no to my gesture of love, it was much less an issue. Once he understood that wincing and saying "ewwww" and eating greasy fried food was an insensitive response, it was no longer an issue.

And find out what foods he does like and what he doesn't like, and cook those. Or, you can say, I feel like eating eggplant today, even though you don't like it, so go ahead, have some fried chicken! My husband hates eggplant, but loves to watch me eat it. I don't like watching him eat fried chicken though.

In a marriage, you both have to be open and honest with each other. And communicate and work on things together. It takes some effort. I read before that "love" is a verb - it is an action, not a state of being to be reached.