My Husband's Mistress Has More Rights

[PlainTired]

My husband and I have been separated for 1 1/2 years....he is currently living with his girlfriend of 3 years and her 3 children in what I and our 2 sons once called home. I can get past the betrayal and the division of material things. But I cannot get passed her. When my sons go to their dad's for visitation I hear repeatedly how she yells at them constantly, rips toys from their hands so she can give them to her children and how she insists on acting like she is their mother. My older son has gone so far as to say he hates her and that he does not want her involved in his life. Unfortunately, this falls on deaf ears when dealing with their dad. I don't know what to do to make their lives less stressful...less about the visitation misery and more about being carefree children.

The woman is insane. My step-mother phoned my husband's house accidently. She was trying to reach me in a hurry as my father was being admitted to the hospital. Rather than politely stating that she had called the wrong #, his girlfriend spirled off into a rage screaming in the phone that I didn't live there anymore and that I never would...that it was her house now.
She insists on attending parent teacher conferences and makes scenes if I go, as if I were the one speaking out of turn.

On one ocassion at a baseball game, my younger son was playing with another little boy behind the bleachers. Another woman commented that my son was cute and asked how old he was. Before I could respond, his girlfriend turned and said "thank you, he's 3".

Can someone please tell me how to deal with this nut job???!!

[Akashic_Librarian]

Find a way to destroy her. Break her. Make her life an untterable tragedy, make her wish she never messed with you.

[The David]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Find a way to destroy her. Break her. Make her life an untterable tragedy, make her wish she never messed with you.

Yeah, be a little aggressive, if you don't think you'll just be screwing yourself over in the process. Do you have any rights over the kids? That would definitely make things simpler.

[Fullcrum]

Sounds like darkworker polarization will get her out of your life more quickly.

I cannot give you advice but it seems that something intense is in order.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by PlainTired

On one ocassion at a baseball game, my younger son was playing with another little boy behind the bleachers. Another woman commented that my son was cute and asked how old he was. Before I could respond, his girlfriend turned and said "thank you, he's 3".

I would say, "He's my child. Why are you thanking her?"

Take your husband to court. Tell the judge the woman is abusive and you're worried for your children's mental and physical welfare. Don't think about it. Just do it. She should have no rights here. In fact, get a restraining order against her to keep her away from your kids. She's going to screw them up with the yelling, etc. This is important. You have a right to protect them.

[PlainTired]

What is darkworker polarization?? I am the custodial parent and have legal custody. However, she lives with my husband and he has overnight visitation rights. I think she already is miserable. Otherwise why would she react the way she does to me and the children. However, I'm open to making her even more miserable. Any ideas?

[PlainTired]

My attorney told me that I really could not keep her away from my boys if she is in a long term relationship with my husband. Basically, we have no rights and she is allowed to abuse them and me for as long as she wishes.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by PlainTired

My attorney told me that I really could not keep her away from my boys if she is in a long term relationship with my husband. Basically, we have no rights and she is allowed to abuse them and me for as long as she wishes.

Tell them they don't have to do anything she says and if she has a problem with it, she can talk to you. Tell them they can call you anytime she's bothering them and you'll come pick them up.

[PlainTired]

My older son has already confronted her, telling he that she's not his mom. I fear that a physical confrontation is not far off. She hits her own children and her children hit mine. She truly is crazy! I am a good Christian. I keep trying to forgive and forget, but each time they have to go to their house I get knots in my stomach for days on end (3 days before they go and while they are gone). It's just too much. I just want peace for the boys and me.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Do you think that your husband truly cares about this woman and that this relationship is going to last?

Also, was this woman living with your husband at the time the current custody agreement was made? If not, it may be possible to revise the agreement since the situation has changed. It sounds like your attorney doesn't think you could get his overnight visitation revoked, but there may be some changes that could be made. For example, you may be able to reach an agreement regarding your kids activities (such as baseball games) so that you don't both go to the same activities and have the public run-ins like you described.

Also, how old are your sons? That may have some bearing on how well they can handle this situation.

[PlainTired]

basically, my husband was cheating on me with this woman for almost 2 years before I found out. we tried counseling, but in the end, she was what he wanted. She and her 3 children moved in pretty much the day after my sons and I moved out. My sons are 8 &4 and the older one knows what his dad did and with whom. We are both entitled to attend school functions, sporting events etc. We cannot ask the other party not to attend. However, they both treat me like I deserve to just fade away and die. They snarl and make faces, they speak to me with such distain. He broke up with her twice during their affair, and my older son states that they are both miserable...never smiling, not affectionate...and all she does is yell. To add insult to injury, my husband won't divorce me. Their onslaut of disgusted looks and nasty attitudes are enough to make me want to cry. I know they aren't worth it, but it wears you down.

I feel sorry for my boys. To be forced into a situation each week. To be forced to endure abuse from a woman who ripped their family apart, and would probably kill their mother if given the chance.

Why do you think she is so angry? Why does she hate me so? Why do both of them treat me and the boys so terribly when they have both gotten what they wanted. How do you destroy a person who is so obviously miserable already?

[Lauxa]

Hm, maybe you could get a small audio recording device and have your 8-year-old hide it in his clothes during the next visit? He might think it's fun, like playing spy. Then you would at least have some evidence of her behavior.

Also, maybe you could get a second opinion from another attorney.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by PlainTired

Why do both of them treat me and the boys so terribly when they have both gotten what they wanted.

Because they are too scared and too powerless to do anything else.

It is their desperate attempt to make your life more miserable than their own, just so they can feel "happy" about not being half as miserable as you are.

It's pathetic, really. And sad...

You have to ask yourself what you are doing to perpetuate these behaviors. You see, with these kind of things there is always a feedback loop:

They act a certain way, to which you react in a certain way that gives them a sense of power and with that renewed sense of power, they then proceed to act that certain way once again, to which you react... etc.

But anyone involved in the feedback loop can break it. You should try to react differently. Be the better person. Remain calm, make known that you are unaffected by this erratic behavior. You are not impressed and not afraid.

Take away their reward and they will loose the motivation to torment you.

Easier said than done, I know, but breaking the pattern is the only way out.

[Dan.Linehan]

I would totally shame her for being mean to the kids whenever possible.

"I can't believe you pick on little kids! That's, like, just so pathetic!"

[Dan.Linehan]

What does it mean that he has overnight visitation rights exactly?

How often are the kids over there?

[PlainTired]

Yes, easier said than done. The thing is they know which buttons to push. Also, he was civil and she kept her distance until I started dating again. That's when all the bull started. I still don't understand why they want me to be miserable. What did I ever do to them. As far as recording them, my husband would find out and that would be a whole other can of worms. I dread my younger sons open house with his teachers next month. I know she will be there and try to monopolize my son. Are there any psychiatric terms or definitions for people like her? I'm pretty sure her self esteem is very low. I know his is. He told me that he found me intimidating. That's funny coming from a police officer. She had her first child at 14...and the 2nd and 3rd by the time she was 24. He was bragging to me how she got her private parts pierced to make their sex life better....first of all ewwwww....second of all ouch! Why would the introduction of a new relationship send them orbiting off into crazy town?

[PlainTired]

The boys stay at his house approximately 6-10 nights per month, and the schedule changes constantly because he is on a rotating shift. For example, last week they were with him from 12noon on Sunday until 5:30PM on Monday. This week they are with him from 12Noon Sunday until 8:30AM Tuesday. There's just no consistency, but I was told I had to be understanding of his employment. Basically all of our lives revolve around him and that's the way it will be for the next 14 years! I just wish that I could be granted serenity. Any ideas?

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by PlainTired

That's funny coming from a police officer.

LOL. Too funny.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by PlainTired

The thing is they know which buttons to push.

Yes and they will keep pushing that button until you make it so the button doesn't work anymore.

Also, he was civil and she kept her distance until I started dating again. That's when all the bull started.

Because they are sick with envy... how dare you go out and find happiness that they feel they deserve to have more than you?

What did I ever do to them.

Nothing. But that's not the point.

What they need (and a lot of folk with them) is constant validation from their surroundings to cover up their own damn insecurities. If they can't get the validation they need in a nice way (say from a healthy loving relationship), they'll resort to the next best thing: bullying someone who they feel does not deserve to be happy - in this case you and your sons.

They are bullies, plain and simple.

Bullies are only ever king of the hill until someone stands up to them... at which point they usually scour away in fear.

Because the truth is that the bullies are much more afraid than those they bully.

That's their big secret.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I had the same problem when I was a kid. My father dated a woman who used to be married to my uncle and ended up marrying her and she is a real evil woman. She loved to manipulate people and to tell you the truth, no one liked her. When I had a brain surgery, she insisted on going with my father and my mother went alone. When they were waiting for me to get out of the surgery, my ex-aunt threw a scene and the people informing them about my condition thought she was the mother. Talk about insulting. When my mother told the nurse that she was my father's girlfriend, the nurse said, "It's terrible that he would bring someone like that in such a stressful time."

Needless to say, I moved away from them and now am more than 1000 miles away from that toxic environment. My advice to you is to have a talk with your husband and tell him that if she's going to behave that way, you'll move away. If his home is such a toxic environment, you have a good reason to move. Even if you aren't actually planning to jump ship, it will at least get him to listen to you. I haven't went back because it's just not worth it. Good luck.

[jaamkie]

ummmm I'm rather shocked by the advice on here..... Feeding into the negativity will get you nothing but more of it- and you have a responsibility to your sons to make their lives the best you can, even if you personally want to continue the vendetta for your own satisfaction. The guy is their father, regardless of what he's done to you, you can't throw him out of their lives for this sort of petty nonsense; the girlfriend is probably making a misguided attempt to replace you in their lives out of wanting to totally replace you in your husband's eyes- remember she's been competing with you for years longer that you've known she existed.

I'd say you have to reconcile yourself to the facts of the visitation agreement, commit yourself to making your sons happy regardless of your own feelings, and consider what ways your own actions feed into this misery. For all that you make your husband and the other woman sound bad, I doubt they're entirely evil, and I doubt that you trying to interfere in their relationship will do anything but hurt your sons. Perhaps you could find some outside perspective with a counselor; or perhaps a counselor could help mediate some conversations between the three of you, focusing on how to create a positive peaceful environment for your sons. Be grateful that your husband wants to be a part of your sons' lives at all, and focus on the potential for a great future instead of focusing on past hurts. Best of luck!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by PlainTired

I think she already is miserable. Otherwise why would she react the way she does to me and the children. However, I'm open to making her even more miserable. Any ideas?

I just want peace for the boys and me.

The bad news is: you're between a rock and a hard place, because you have one heart's desire for some people, and another heart's desire for other people, and that never works. If you want misery for her, then you get it, too; If you want peace for yourself and your kids, then she gets it, too. What you generate, whether it feels good or bad, you don't just generate it for yourself, you generate it for the whole world.

The good news is: you have the power to generate whatever you want -- so choose!

And, by the way, choosing something that works well for you, like Peace, does not mean that you roll over on your back and pee like a submissive puppy. You can be Peace AND be a stand for a safe, loving environment for yourself and for your kids (and of course, she gets to have a safe, loving environment, too, then. D'oh! )

[PlainTired]

Thank you for all of the great advise. And truth be said, I don't think I could make her nearly as miserable as she makes herself. And you're right, she was competing with me for years and continues to do so with the boys. That would explain her uncontrollable range when my step-mother called the house by accident....it was just another reminder that she is living in my house. I also agree that they are not totally evil...but are certainly not pillars of the community either. I'm not found of cheaters or liars...never had any use for them and I never will. But you are right...I will learn to shut off my buttons. While I don't believe there will ever be peace, I look forward to the day when they can freely choose to visit their father or politely decline. In the meantime, I just worry about the boy's emotional health. When they were telling me about all of the yelling I asked them how it made them feel. My 4 year old said it made him want to treat her like dirt. My 8 year old said it makes him feel mad, lonley and sometimes he wants to cry, but he doesn't because he doesn't want her children to laugh at him. They just cling to me and say they miss me. Bedtime is horrible...they want to sleep in my bed so they can be close. They get upset if I tell them their dad is picking them up from school. It's just so heartbreaking.

[splat]

Reading this thread made me sad, and that dosen't usually happen.

I feel for you, and the hardness of this situation. Purely becuase you can't just walk away from it, like most.

The advice on here is great already, don't have any buttons to push - take the higher road. (amongst other things)

If there's anything I can add though, is that life is about struggles and trials - and when you overcome them you become STRONGER. Think about how this horrible situation is really the world offering you a chance to better yourself, under the veil of a nightmare.

"it's not the cards you're dealt, but how you play them".

Stay strong. You are a strong person - you may not feel it sometimes (or ever), but to endure what you have already takes something special.

My best wishes for you and your family.

[wolverine]

Originally Posted by PlainTired

My older son has already confronted her, telling he that she's not his mom. I fear that a physical confrontation is not far off. She hits her own children and her children hit mine. She truly is crazy! I am a good Christian. I keep trying to forgive and forget, but each time they have to go to their house I get knots in my stomach for days on end (3 days before they go and while they are gone). It's just too much. I just want peace for the boys and me.

If your attorney doens't think this is a good reason to go to trial, then I'd want a new attorney. And I support the idea suggested about putting recording devices on your sons when they go; it doesn't matter if your husband finds out if it fixes the problem.

But to me, the big questions are: do your sons want to go over there? And do your sons want to see their father somewhere else, where she isn't there? Basically, would they miss their father if he lost visitation rights and/or you moved away? If they wouldn't, and they have to be absolutely honest here, then do everything you can to get away. If they would miss him, then it's trickier. This is off the top of my head, but I'd want them to be able to protect themselves if she does hit them; maybe martial arts classes (for defense, not attack)?

Good luck. *hugs*


Wolverine

[Brutha]

My older son has already confronted her, telling he that she's not his mom. I fear that a physical confrontation is not far off. She hits her own children and her children hit mine.

Have you told that to your lawyer? To me physical violence seems like something that warrants taking childs away from that place.

[Honeywith4bees]

Every time my children's Dad got a new girlfriend, my older two boys would come back telling me all kinds of terrible stories about the woman. Usually, the woman wasn't as bad as they made her out to be, either they were just not liking her because she wasn't me, or else my ex husband was being such a jerk to her in front of the kids that they felt like they should be mean to her as well. I learned to discern the difference after awhile.

If this isn't the case in your situation, then I would bring my children to a child psychiatrist and have them evaluated. If the conclusions were negative, I'd bring that to court. Young children need a stable and loving home environment (with BOTH parents, if thats possible, and not necessarily together either.)

I wish you luck in untangling this dilemma.

[PlainTired]

The boys WANT to see their dad....just their dad, and I would never keep the boys from him. The issue has always been her...they don't like her...they don't want to be around her. Unfotunately, she does not seem to let him out of her sight. Their time with their dad, becomes all about escaping her. It's truly sad.

[jaamkie]

Again, is there any objective outsider you could call in to mediate? From a discussion board it is impossible to tell what is really going on as far as your husband's parenting skills and his girlfriend's real actions and motives. If she is really abusive, really treating them badly, that's a horrible thing and no one on here wants to condone that; but it is also possible your sons are predisposed to hate her and speak badly of her to you based on the history/situation and out of loyalty, aside from her current treatment of them; and it is more than likely that her actions are more misguided and insecure than they are really of malicious intent.

From the woman's perspective there are probably a ton of emotions involved with your sons- she's probably carrying some guilt for breaking up their family, she's still retrospectively jealous of your family's life together, and jealous of your ongoing relationship with your husband due to your sons; she is also probably insecure about her position with them- she knows she's not their real mom, but she is an adult spending time with them, seeing your husband as their father, and awkwardly trying to play mother although she knows she doesn't have the authority to really tell them what to do, and knows they already resent her presence and don't respect her. All of those emotions could come out as harsh overbearing treatment of your sons- trying to assert authority she doesn't have, trying to replace you as mom although she knows she never will. She also may just have a lack of parenting skills or misguided beliefs about how adults-children should interact based on her own past.

You probably realize that completely taking the high-road and treating the woman better than she deserves is the right thing to do and will only gain you more respect from everyone- including your sons. You also probably realize that there is nothing you can directly say to your exhusband about his girlfriend that will help the situation- any criticism he will interpret as jealousy and defend her against, in the process convincing himself more firmly that she is right, she is a good person, and you are the troublemaker in the situation, regardless of the truth of the matter.

I think the girlfriend's insecurity about her role with your sons, plus her anxious anticipation of you and your son's negative judgement of her, probably creates a lot of her ugly actions- I doubt she enjoys the strife any more than your sons or you are enjoying it. I'm not sure how you do it, but somehow communicating that you've come to peace with her past action, moved on from your husband, and only want to interact for the sake of your sons; plus coming to a clear consensus on the girlfriend's role in your sons' lives; would probably allow her to treat your sons more kindly and consistently, which is what you really want here. Perhaps her role is to just leave them alone- to make plans to go off with girlfriends and leave your sons alone with their dad as much as possible; or perhaps her role is to treat them as she'd treat a friend's child- deferring to the parents to discipline the kids, but expecting some level of respect and to be basically not bothered by them even if also not particularly loved by them.

On the other side of the situation, you need to communicate to your sons that you want to take the high-road, that you expect them to treat the girlfriend respectfully even if they don't particularly like her, and that they do not need to show their loyalty to you by hating her or speaking badly of her to you. I have to think a counselor or a socially-skilled and nonpartisan friend would help in facilitating all of this communication and in providing an objective viewpoint in the midst of the emotions.

[Tonya]

Hi,

I think there's alot of truth and virtue in what Jaamkie said (the last post).

However, collect any evidence of the maltreatment (in a diary) so that if it comes to it, and it turns out she hasn't got your childrens best intersts at heart, then you've got the evidence.

My new partner and my daughters' Dad have had their one confrontation but it wasn't anything to do with my daughter. One thing I always try to remember is that not everybody is educated enough to know how to behave in difficult situations. My new partner has always taken the method of least involvement- I'm still the main caregiver-he sort of stands on the sidelines until help is really needed or wanted!

I know it must be so hard..I think you're coping very well.

X