The contradiction between Social Development and Personal Responsibility

[SomeRandomGuy]

After taking part in some recent threads I have realized that I have very different views on the social aspects of personal development than many others. I have given a great deal of thought to this, and really have not been able to reconcile what I see as contradictory topics. I decided that I would start a thread in order to get some varying viewpoints regarding this. This is most likely going to be a long rambling post, so I apologize for that up front.

I have been very happily married for 10 years, so have not dated in quite some time. I have a few very close friends, and another handful of friends that I am not quite as close to, but I still consider good friends.

I really make no effort to make new friends. I have known some of my friends for 20+ years, while others I have only met very recently. I am happy to meet new friends, but I don't feel the need to actively try to develop new friendships. I don't go to clubs or parties, or really any of the other types of places that people often go to meet new people.

I am not a hermit, i do enjoy getting out and doing things with my friends. I prefer more intimate outings, though, so generally go out in groups of 4 or less.

I recognize the fact that there are some situations in which improving one's social skills are important to achieve their goals. Take Steve, for example, it makes sense to me for him to be actively trying to meet new people and establish relationships as that can be a form of marketing for him and help him to spread his message. I don't see where this important for a lot of other people, though.

I consider myself to be someone who does not need others in order to be happy. Of course I enjoy spending time with others, but that isn't a requirement for my happiness. I feel like actively trying to make new friends would only make sense if the number of friends I have has some impact on my own happiness. I am having a hard time seeing how working towards social development is not a contradiction to the thought of personal responsibility. Since I feel that I am responsible for my own happiness, etc, then it seems to logically follow that I do not validation from anyone else in order to be happy and enjoy life. I am starting to think this may not be true, though, but I am unable to figure out why it isn't true.

Maybe I am confusing trying to improve ones social skills with trying to make new friends. I suppose if these are seen as being separate things, then the situation changes. I certainly can see the benefits of improving socially, as this wold have a positive impact on the current relationships I do have (both personally and professionally). However, I wonder where the line is between improving social skills and being fake. I am not the type of person who enjoys going to clubs and parties, so if I were to do those things in order to practice my social skills wouldn't any friendships I made be done so under false pretenses? It seems that every situation I think of regarding social development would lead to putting forth the illusion that I am someone I am not. I guess the only way to avoid this is if I choose I want to change who I am, so that the things I do for social improvement are not false. This, however, goes back to the seeming contradiction between personal responsibility and social development. Why would I want to change who I am in order to improve my social skills if I don't feel that the relationships those skill help me develop have any bearing on who I am, or on my happiness.

Any and all feedback is welcome. I am trying to challenge the way I think about this topic, so need to hear from others who both agree and disagree with my thought process.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

I am having a hard time seeing how working towards social development is not a contradiction to the thought of personal responsibility.

I think these are two entirely separate things.

Personal responsibility is, like you said, taking full responsibility for your actions and your feelings, happiness included. Someone who is taking full responsibility like this doesn't need friends to be happy, because his or her happiness springs from within. Friends are just a pleasurable and welcome addition to the life of such a person.

How you develop your social skills after you have taken personal responsibility, is entirely up to you. Maybe you are happy being a hermit, maybe you want to meet people as possible for the rest of your life or something in between.

You get to choose how you grow and there is no rule that says you have to grow in every possible direction.

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

I consider myself to be someone who does not need others in order to be happy. Of course I enjoy spending time with others, but that isn't a requirement for my happiness. I feel like actively trying to make new friends would only make sense if the number of friends I have has some impact on my own happiness.

It sometimes seems like society as a whole has this notion that being more social = being more happy. Being social is almost always thought of as a vice, and being less than social... well then you are simply selling yourself short. What a load.

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

I am having a hard time seeing how working towards social development is not a contradiction to the thought of personal responsibility.

Since I feel that I am responsible for my own happiness, etc, then it seems to logically follow that I do not validation from anyone else in order to be happy and enjoy life. I am starting to think this may not be true, though, but I am unable to figure out why it isn't true.

So you are equating social development with validation from others? I haven't gotten the impression that the purpose of social development is to seek validation from others. It is simply to become better socially, and being social does not mean that you are seeking validation from others. If a guy is twice as social as another guy (and both being happy with the state of things), is that first guy thereby seeking validation in a larger degree than the second guy? I don't buy that.

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

Maybe I am confusing trying to improve ones social skills with trying to make new friends.

I suppose if these are seen as being separate things, then the situation changes. I certainly can see the benefits of improving socially, as this wold have a positive impact on the current relationships I do have (both personally and professionally). However, I wonder where the line is between improving social skills and being fake. I am not the type of person who enjoys going to clubs and parties, so if I were to do those things in order to practice my social skills wouldn't any friendships I made be done so under false pretenses? It seems that every situation I think of regarding social development would lead to putting forth the illusion that I am someone I am not. I guess the only way to avoid this is if I choose I want to change who I am, so that the things I do for social improvement are not false. This, however, goes back to the seeming contradiction between personal responsibility and social development. Why would I want to change who I am in order to improve my social skills if I don't feel that the relationships those skill help me develop have any bearing on who I am, or on my happiness.

If you don't think that developing social skills is ultimately going to make you happier than you simply don't do it. Again, maybe it's the old - the more social, the better - thing.

Clubs and parties are not the only place to develop social skills. You make it sound like you have to adopt an alien persona in order to "train". Having social skills doesn't mean being in a certain way, it can also mean to be more socially intelligent. Nor does it mean to be socially savvy and outgoing, mingling in a sea of other people constantly talking and joking with everyone. In short, being socially intelligent does not mean that you have to be something you're not.

[Dan.Linehan]

Several people who I have considered rude / anti-social have become massively successful in their respective fields. This is at least partially because they have more time to work on their careers since they are not very socialized.

Something to consider.

[jaamkie]

There's also the question of improving social skills almost as a contribution to others- to be comfortable and good at the inevitable social events in life- weddings, big parties, work networking events... to be an effective leader for a cause you care about; to have good discussions with people that open them and yourself up to new insights; to have more positive random interactions in life that enrich both your life and others'... I think there's room to grow without necessarily having the goal of accumulating new lovers or friends or business networks.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by Elrond

So you are equating social development with validation from others? I haven't gotten the impression that the purpose of social development is to seek validation from others. It is simply to become better socially, and being social does not mean that you are seeking validation from others. If a guy is twice as social as another guy (and both being happy with the state of things), is that first guy thereby seeking validation in a larger degree than the second guy? I don't buy that.

I don't think that being a social person inherently means one is seeking validation from others. I do think, though, that there are people who go out of their way to build their social life do so for validation. I just don't want to be one of those people. I definitely agree that some people are just natural social butterflies, who are not trying to attain validation from those around them.

Originally Posted by Elrond

Clubs and parties are not the only place to develop social skills. You make it sound like you have to adopt an alien persona in order to "train". Having social skills doesn't mean being in a certain way, it can also mean to be more socially intelligent. Nor does it mean to be socially savvy and outgoing, mingling in a sea of other people constantly talking and joking with everyone. In short, being socially intelligent does not mean that you have to be something you're not.

You're right. I shouldn't have limited my examples to only those sorts of things. Those are just a couple of examples of traditional social situations that I do not enjoy.

I am glad to see that the responses received so far seem to validate my belief that lacking a desire to improve ones social skills does not prevent improvement in other areas. I expect that there will be responses contrary to this, but so far I am feeling that maybe I wasn't as wrong about this as I thought I was.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Several people who I have considered rude / anti-social have become massively successful in their respective fields. This is at least partially because they have more time to work on their careers since they are not very socialized.

Something to consider.

Thanks for that Dan. I have met people like that as well, and it does seem like their anti-social behavior has not really held them back.

I would like to add that I do find that often it is easier to make an effort to get along with others in the workplace. So I do go out of my way to develop good working relationships with colleagues and management. I am just not going to be meeting them for drinks after work or golfing with them on the weekends.

I suppose I am not as anti-social as my initial post may have seemed. I definitely see the benefit in trying to be nice and form relationships in certain situations. I guess I was making a distinction between playing well with others and actively trying to make new friends. Those are both social activities, however, I just wasn't thinking of the professional relationships in that way.

[jtracy]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy
I am having a hard time seeing how working towards social development is not a contradiction to the thought of personal responsibility.

I too think social development and taking full responsiblity for your actions and feelings are two different things. I think some people have more of a need for social contact than others, and also that some people are already more advanced in this area than others. You seem to already have a social life that is just as satisfying as you need it to be, so, to me at least, you don't need to work on this as much as you perhaps need to work on other areas of your life. In other words, social development isn't a priority for you.

I agree that social development doesn't mean becoming something you are not. I think it is more about expressing who you are more effectively and also with being more tolerant and respectful of who other people are (and being interested in other people's experiences and points of view even when they differ from your own).

Being happy, which is what truly counts in life, is about following your own purpose and learning how to deal with the cards you were handed in life. Having lots of freinds is only one area of life, and for you it may not be the most important one. And that's okay.

[Brutha]

What's your purpuse in life?

[SomeRandomGuy]

Brutha, that is a good question. I have an idea of the direction I want for my life, but I really haven't determined what my purpose is. Maybe it would make more sense to determine my true purpose before decided what is and isn't applicable in my life regarding personal development.