how do we move on

[jude]

hi i have just found out after 28 years of marraige that my husband was married before he met me and has never told me. I am feeling very jealous and insecure angry and hurt decieved all mixed up together. how do i handle these feelings as the jealousy is stopping us from moving on to the future. thankyou:

[JimOfferman]

By acknowledging those feelings and then "just" moving on. By accepting that those feelings will be there for a while, as you are moving on and away from this current emotional low light. By understanding that these feelings are just feelings that will pass...

Good luck.

[Tom Church]

Understandably, this revelation has changed your perception of your husband. He hid something from you, a large part of his life, and so you may be asking what else is he hiding?

However, it is simply a perception. Think of why he did this, why did he hold it back from you for so long?

The answer is probably because he knew you'd react in the way that you did. He obviously loves you deeply, and wanted to protect you and the relationship you share. He knew that telling you would risk it, and so he bottled it up for 28 years, every year, the burden becoming greater and greater.

It was a big step for him to tell you, and look at this as a new chapter in your relationship. Finally he has opened up fully to you, he has put your relationship on the line for honesty and trust, because if he was holding something back from you, how could he expect you to trust him?

His previous marriage was in the past. It happened and now you have a future together. Leave it behind, don't resist it, talk about it, try to enjoy this new found topic to be explored. Jealousy, envy and anger are all expected, but smile with the comprehension that he hid it because of his love for you.

The path you take now is entirely up to you, you can either embrace this new found adventure (indeed a simple change of perception will turn it into an adventure), or you can resist it, deny it and separate. I think you'll take the first option, simply because you showed that you want to change by writing on this forum in the first place.

All the best,

Tom

[Liara Covert]

Everything you do is a choice. Dwelling on a situation or moving on is a choice. You make the choices that seem right for you at a given moment.

[Ecce Homo]

Hey Jude!

When I experience negative emotions, it is often because I am believing thoughts that are not wise or joy producing for me. Maybe, and this is a big maybe because I just don’t know, you are believing thoughts like, “my husband should not have kept this from me” and “people who love me should not lie to me” and “I can’t feel secure unless other people treat me in a certain way” and so on. Take the first one as an example: my husband should not have kept this from me. Well, if I were in your shoes, I’d ask myself if that were true. Is that the best description of reality? The reality is he did keep it from you. That’s it. You can protest until the cows come home, and the reality will still be that he kept this information from you. If you had the power to make that thought disappear forever by simply pulling your left ear, would you? What if you sincerely believed the thought “my husband *should* have kept this me”? How would you look at him then? How would you feel? What if you challenged the validity of the thoughts you believe about him and this situation and played around with other thoughts that might be more empowering and joy producing?

I’m not suggesting that what he did was right or wrong. I wasn’t there and I don’t know. I’m giving you what I found really helpful in dealing with my own internal suffering. You might check out Byron Katie’s “The Work” too. It’s a modern day example of a very old practice, going back to Socrates and probably earlier.

[Alexjstrandberg]

You can learn to let them go after you learn to trust yourself and your gut. Is this the only time he has ever lied to you?

were there other things that created that sick feeling in your stomach but you let go?

People in general have trouble trusting because they fear being lied to and feeling like a fool. You need to learn how to know when someone is lying to you or being honest with you. Once you have that down it will be much easier to trust him and let go of some of those unwanted feelings.

Without learning that you will continue to keep your distance from him. That or become extremely paranoid about everything.

Most importantly, learning the lessons from this and learning to trust your intuition when someone is lying to you will allow you to forgive him and forgive yourself.

[jude]

thankyou all for your replies. They have all been helpfull. We are going to move on together, our love is strong it always was.He hadent told me because of my reaction. I was very insecure when we met , in fact we both were.It is this new perception of him that is what i am finding strange. When we are together our relationship is better than before, but when i am on my own thoughts start creeping in that cause me to cry. But i feel that by being honest with what is happening life will get better and hopefully better.Thanks again Jude