How Important(Or Unimportant) is Compromise in Romantic Relationships?

[ScottLee]

I've been thinking lately and wondering what everyone else's take is on this issue - how important is compromise to relationships? How much of a change should you be willing to make while in a romantic relationship? Should both people simply be their selves entirely and accept the other 100%, and if so - is that a reasonable and realistic expectation? How much should we change for other people to conform to their expectations and to keep things running smooth?

While compromise may not be very important in typical romantic relationships from day to day or while dating, what about compromise in marriage?

Thoughts?

[Jill]

Are you talking about compromising or changing? These are not the same things at all.

Every single relationship you are in should involve compromise -- on all party's parts.

But changing for someone else, that's a different matter entirely. Certainly, bettering yourself is always a good thing, and if by being with someone else you see ways of doing that, it can only be to your benefit.

Just changing something about yourself because your partner doesn't like it is probably not a great idea.

[Conan Stevens]

No compromise for me. If I have to do things I don't want then that is not the person.

I am after a perfect match or none at all.

Too many people try to control their partners, whenever this happens in a new relationship I show her the door. Yes I am single, NO I am not lonely - I have choice from many women but I refuse to be with someone due to a personal weakness.

You set goals in all other areas of your life why not set the perfect goal for your life partner?

[Erin Pavlina]

A friend taught me that compromise often means you both lose. Take a simple example. In the old days, Steve and I used to go to the video store to rent a movie. I would find a chick flick I wanted to see but he didn't. He would find a comedy I didn't want to see. So we kept looking until we found something we could both agree on. Then it occured to me that neither one of us was watching the movie we wanted to watch, so how was that a good solution.

So after that I got the movie I wanted and he got the movie he wanted. We watched them separately or together depending on whether we could each stand watching the other movie. There were still plenty of movies we wanted to watch together, but now we were also watching the movies we really wanted to see.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to find that spot where you both meet. It's okay to do things you like without her, and she without you. As long as there are still a lot of things you like to do together.

Steve likes to hike and I don't. For years he tried to get me interested in hiking but it never turned out well for me and my presence was ruining his enjoyment. So now he hikes alone and he loves the solitude and peace.

I'd say, don't try to change someone. But watch out for compromise because it can make two people unhappy.

[Parthon]

I agree with Erin, compromise is rarely a good solution.

It tends towards lose/lose, and is used as "I'll give up what I want if you give up what you want and then we'll both feel like we've done the 'good' thing." This isn't the definition but it's often how it plays out in a relationship. Compromise normally comes from when two people in a relationship are defending their position on an issue, they've taken the issue on as themselves and now need to defend it. If you never took on the position, then you would have no need to defend it, but often the other person is still heavily defending theirs.

As I'm not yet in a relationship, so this is theory, but I have thought a lot about it. If you stand by your values and let them be your position, but without getting attached then you will see a solution that is win/win. If you present the solution often the other person will leap for it, as they can have what they want and still have their position. It is possible to have your cake and eat it too in human relationships. In Erin's example, the win/win situation for the videos was, strangely enough, watching exactly they wanted, and giving up the position that they had to watch them together and compromise.

Sometimes this looks odd too, like if you value Joy you might give up something not important to you, like TV, so that you can spend time with your wife creating Joy. It's not always about being concrete either.

Lastly, if someone you are in a relationship keeps trying to dominate you and get you to do what they want and against your values, then you'll want to get that sorted. Sometimes people's values clash, and the relationship won't work as you are going in different directions. Those sorts of relationships are best ending on good terms, keeping in touch and perhaps when values change getting back together. There are other times when people haven't created their values, or aren't following them, so they come from having to be right all the time, or boss people around, or a pattern of behaviour they learnt. In that case, standing by your values and explaining why that sort of behaviour doesn't work is often the best course of action, but can destroy a relationship, if the other person still wants to keep on the same. It is best then again to break the relationship on good terms.

If at anytime you have to dishonour who you really are to fit in with how another person wants you to be, then there is a problem. Be fully true to yourself and you won't have to worry about conforming.

[elainevdw]

That kind of compromise sucks. My guy has pulled that on me once or twice. He'd agree to go do something with me, and the entire time he'd be bored and I'd be totally miserable. Then he'd try and tell me what a nice thing he was doing for me, agreeing to tag along on this thing he doesn't enjoy, being a total killjoy, because he loves me. In reality, I'd probably have had more fun doing it by myself.

My version of compromise in situations like that is, I won't force him to do that stuff with me as long as he doesn't mind if I go do it myself! Like dancing. He hates dancing; I love it. I wish he'd dance with me, but at least he doesn't get on my case if I go out dancing with friends. That's a decent compromise, I think.

Compromise works really well with not-fun things, though. Like if one person hates doing the dishes, then work out a compromise: I'll do the dishes if you take out the trash. I'll wash the laundry if you'll fold it. That's actually a win-win situation, because I don't mind doing the dishes, but I hate dragging trash bags across the apartment complex to the garbage bins.

The only other type of "compromise" there is, is being willing to give something a try. Even if something sounds like it's going to be horrible, I'll always give it at least one (sometimes two) tries if my guy wants me to. And sometimes, it turns out not to have been that bad! But, if it really is that bad -- then his end of the compromise is to respect my preferences.