Trouble With Sister

[straysweeper]

My sister is living with her fiance. She has 4 kids, by 3 fathers, youngest 2 by this fiance. They constantly fight, he has a drug and maturity problem. He is prone to disappear from anywhere between 24 to 48 hrs at a time with no phone calls or anything.

Tonight I'm angry. Though, I'm trying to convert it. She has been having pleurisy for the past week. Tonight, I got the call to go over and help babysit as he has a toothache. One he has had off and on for months, and that he equates to labor pains, but he himself has told me that he loves his kids but doesn't want to take care of them usually. What is making me angry is that she is suffering from his lack of stepping up. She deals with a lot more than him. I'm also angry with myself for not knowing how to improve the situation, and for my own situation with being unemployed for 6 months.

[Angela]

Here's how I would handle it:

"Sorry, can't babysit tonight, I'm working on my resume! Better not count on me to help out for awhile; you know how it is when you're focused on getting a fulfilling, well-paying job -- it'll probably take ALL my attention! I hope Gregorio feels better soon!"

[straysweeper]

My sister was the one needing to go back to the ER and wouldn't didn't want to watch the kids because of his wisdom teeth. With writing on here, and taking a closer look at my feelings it was the frustration over their situation from what I see from her. They are living at a level I wouldn't wish on anyone. I believe strongly in equality. I want people to have the same things as I have or would want, especially family. However, I just usually run into all their conditioning, and limiting beliefs. I later spoke with him and although I try, I think they need a experienced counselor. He said, she said, etc.

I often feel bad on myself. While I was living in Vegas, I was doing well, and didn't always call them. Didn't want to hear about how bad things were. At time I wish to return to where I did well and to get away from them. A quote by Anthony Robbins keeps coming to mind. "Love your Family, Choose your Peers"

I am also angry with myself for allowing this situation to progress for as long as it has. I keep running through it in my mind. Do I want to go back? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. After the way I got hurt last time I associate it to there, or think perhaps want to try exploring another city. However, I also want to shift careers. I feel into managing gas stations, and did well. Things I enjoyed about it, others I did not. I feel like I can't make a real decision about what I want to do, while needing to do something, I've done nothing of real consequence.

[Angela]

It sounds like you are distracting yourself from your own well-being by pretending that your sister's well-being has a higher priority. If I were you, I would resign the position of chief person in charge of your sister, and take on what it will take to have you feeling really great. I think you might be mirroring needs, and it might be a great idea for you to consult with an experienced counselor.

[ar81]

Your sister has a problem, but it is hers.
She will get out when she acknowledge the problem, and that will happen when she touches rockbottom. How deep is that? Hard to say. It could be shallow or deep.
But as long as she is not really aware of the problem (even if you tell her), she won't ask for help.
You can't do anything unless she asks for help.

As for babysitting, I think that you would do that for the kids. It must be tough for them to be alone without their mother. I would focus on their welfare.

Also you should focus on YOUR welfare.

Tricks to find a job in the most efficient way:

1.Look into yellow pages and make a list of companies where you might like to work.
2.Use the morning to look for job (as if it was your job, so focus) and afternoon to do things that make you feel good (good selfestteem is needed to find a job)
3.Keep a log of everything you do with every company, so if they call you you know exactly what have you done about them. Failing to keep it will cause information problems in your treat with them that could cause you not to get a job.
4.Finding a job is sales. A successful salesman achieve about 13% of success. It means that 13 of 100 people will buy. So do not feel discouraged by the numbers and your success.
5.Submit at least 100 resumes to places where they are not having vacancies. The best jobs never make it to the newspaper. It is convenient for employers to have your resume when they have a need. Less than 100 is not enough. With 100 at most 13 of them might have a chance. It is sad when people are whinning "I have submitted 15 CVs and still nothing".
6.Good selfesteem is the key to sell the best product of the world: Your work.
7.Using HR companies and websites and newspapers to find a job is highly ineffective. No one will tell you that because it is their business.
8.Do not add personal information that could cause you to be discriminated, like age, picture, marital status, etc. Your CV must be like a business card.

I have been unemployed and at the very beginning it was like a darn Greek tragedy. But then I did my homework and searched for tips. This is what I got. I also have worked in HR departments.

[straysweeper]

Thank you both, I appreciate your words. I will meditate on them today.

Angela, would you clarify a little about mirroring needs? This is the first I've heard of this term.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

Thank you both, I appreciate your words. I will meditate on them today.

Angela, would you clarify a little about mirroring needs? This is the first I've heard of this term.

What I mean is that we're all emotional mirrors for one another, and the people who push our buttons can be our most valuable mirrors. If you find yourself irritated or upset or defensive about someone, and you hear yourself make a declaration about what they *should* do, you can be pretty sure your "advice" has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with you.

It could very well be true that your sister and her beau would benefit from having a counselor. Who couldn't? But some of our most valuable inner wisdom about our own next right actions often comes in the form of what we think and say others should do, when what they're being causes us discomfort. It just kind of softens the blow for us to believe we're talking about some one else, when it's really ourselves we're talking to.

I have annoyed so many people with that approach! But it really is where gold lies, personal development-wise.

[ar81]

Based on what Angela says I imagine that a good way to teach your sister is to go from unemployment to a happy and successful life, so you can teach by example.

Some day you could tell your sister: "Do you want to feel like me? I invite you to be? I am no better than you. So if I did it, you can do it."

[straysweeper]

Well, first off I wanted to list the good news. I started a part time job! Booyah!

While I've spoken with them both. I get a lot of resistance. When my sister has been in the hospital for 3 days with a blood clot; my 7 yr old niece isn't taken to school because of his decision or lack thereof, while talking with her on the phone, calling my mom a b**** whom has been helping out. Makes me angry again.

Mirroring needs sounds like projection? So, I must ask, where does my mirroring end, and others begin?

I am very hard on myself. I expect more from me than others, at least as far as I'm aware. I often find that I place even impossible standards on myself, which has lead to more of nothing than something. The phrase 'all or nothing' has been thrown my way more than once. I would say nothing about my life is the I want in the areas that matter most to me. I often want to do so much, but get so frustrated by the snails pace, or find myself doing nothing. I've cut myself off from people. I get bored doing even productive things after a while. And I'm uncertain about the direction or method by which to accomplish what I'd like to do with my life. Find myself in almost constant conflict within myself. As much as I'd hate to admit it, a counselor might help.

One of my biggest hold backs is this, others have change their lives drastically in a year or two, so if they can do it, why not me? Now if I can do it, why haven't I?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

One of my biggest hold backs is this, others have change their lives drastically in a year or two, so if they can do it, why not me? Now if I can do it, why haven't I?

Because you're too busy asking yourself those questions.

Accomplishing a drastic change over the course of two years really only requires a tiny bit of effort every day. Set aside 15-20 minutes a day to do the actual work of improving yourself and after two years you will see dramatic results.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

Mirroring needs sounds like projection? So, I must ask, where does my mirroring end, and others begin?

Well, some people find my perspective extreme , but I operate on a program of it's 100% my responsibility, and 0% everyone else's.

That is, if I'm bugged, irritated, stopped, cranky, or otherwise feeling emotionally bad, it has everything to do with me and NOTHING to do with anyone else. This perspective works really, really well for me in living a life I'm in love with, and for feeling good on purpose pretty much all the time. (Sometimes I go unconscious - d'oh!)

I am very hard on myself... As much as I'd hate to admit it, a counselor might help.

Erin Pavlina recently gave me some great advice: "Let go of striving for perfection; go for excellence." I love that -- it feels good to me. And if you think a counselor might help, I agree! Find someone you can trust (get some recommendations) and listen generously. Practice letting go of "yeah, buts" as they come up for you. It can be very valuable to have someone to talk to outside the bones of your own head, because as Jim Offerman was hinting, that's where you've been living your life lately. Time to break out and get on the court, don't you think?

One of my biggest hold backs is this, others have change their lives drastically in a year or two, so if they can do it, why not me? Now if I can do it, why haven't I?

You might want to consider looking at this from a new point of view. If others can do it, that means I can, too! Each time you encounter someone who is doing really well in life, congratulate yourself that you are on the right track.

[straysweeper]

What has been said goes to a theme I keep seeing, which usually means there is something to it. It is the one underlining element to everything of all others. Taking responsible for your life.

Abandonment

Many States and territories now provide definitions for child abandonment in their reporting laws. Approximately 18 States and the District of Columbia include abandonment in their definition of abuse or neglect.15 Approximately 13 States, Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands provide separate definitions for establishing abandonment.16 In general, it is considered abandonment of the child when the parent's identity or whereabouts are unknown, the child has been left by the parent in circumstances in which the child suffers serious harm, or the parent has failed to maintain contact with the child or to provide reasonable support for a specified period of time.

From Definitions of Child Abuse and Neglect

Using this, my nieces and nephews were abandoned yesterday by their father. I feel like I must do something. So many times I've felt or believed I should do something and haven't due to believe it might be the higher road. Or more realistically out of fear. I have noticed a trend to avoid conflict throughout my life. Which is not serving me at all. I think that is my what angers me the most about myself. The power and desire to act, but lack of doing so.


The exact details are this. He phoned my mother asking her to pick up the kids stating that he didn't have the gas to pick them up. However there was money in the house for gas. When she got there to drop them off he wasn't there. And didn't show back up till around 6 am the next morning. Living them in the care of my mother whom has medical conditions, and is on disability.

[danas]

I understand you, Ive been in your place with my sister.
Her children appeared in my dreams calling for help, before I even knew anything was wrong. They were going to put the kids away in a home, and I was going crazy! I didnt sleeps night thinking only I could save them. And maybe my interference did help a little (just being around and giving my love to the kids). but what helped most was not my actions but me praying and visioning a better life for them all.
Now my sister is the most amazing mom, the kids are happy. both parents are about to get remarried with new partners. All this happened without me "saving" them.
Ive learnt that although watching from the side my sister has made decisions which seemed wrong to me. Bit its HER life. she has go through it. as Angela wisely suggested - attend to your own life. The lessons your sister has to learn she must go through. Just pray and vision her well being and give love to the kids when you can.