Deeper friendships

[Lauxa]

Examining at my social life, I notice that I am okay at exposure and initially meeting people but not so good at deepening friendships. I belong to a couple of groups where I have a bunch of acquaintences, but almost no one I could call just to talk or ask a favor. I easily lose contact with even people I have known for years due to just losing track of the relationship. I only have one close friend right now, and this person is very negative and always broke, maybe I feel like I don't deserve to have a normal healthy friendship. My mom was always "picking up strays" as well, people who were going through financial crisis and/or medical problems and always needing her assistance.

So my questions...
1) How many close friends do you have (excluding family members)?
2) What are your favorite activities to do with friends?
3) How do you keep your friendships alive and thriving?

Thanks!

[Angela]

Can I please ask you a question before answering yours? What do you think you're doing to keep you separate from the kind of deep friendships you're talking about?

Also: it's interesting that in your OP you don't actually come out and say you want deeper friendships. Do you want deeper friendships?

[JimOfferman]

1) Depends on how you define "close". If "close" means "you see these friends at least once a week", then I don't have that kind of friends. If, on the other hand, "close" means "they are there when you need them", then I have dozen at least. (guess which definition I prefer...)

2) I like to just hang out.

3) Pick up the phone whenever I feel its been too long since we've last met.

[Cyrock]

Hi Lauxa,

To me it happens mostly the same. Initially it is fine, but it never gets close nor intense. I know though, that i am the cause. I probably haven't cared too much about it till now, and that is why I haven't done anything about it

1) Depends what we call good and close, but i consider i have 2 or 3 good/close friends. But I often spend half a year without having contact with them.
2) Depends which, but my best friends are so because I admire them or they inspire me.
3) As said, Im bad at it. But nowadays there are so many ways to keep contact! Jus call/mail/IM/facebook them often!

I guess for good friendships I believe there must be a "click" from the start or you must give first.

[sheffy4]

1) How many close friends do you have (excluding family members)?
I would say that I have 3 close friends, and one among those who is my very closest friend. I can share anything with her and we totally "get" and accept each other for who we are.
2) What are your favorite activities to do with friends?
We normally just hang out at one of our houses, maybe have some wine, and talk about everything under the sun. We usually lay out our most recent "problems" and try to help eachother solve them. Or we just share great stories! We often watch our favorite shows or movies together. Sometimes we play board games!
3) How do you keep your friendships alive and thriving?
Just by letting the other person know you are there, and then actually being there. If you sense they are having a hard time, or need someone to talk to, take a step forward and be there for them. Call them when you want to. I often call my friends randomly when something reminds me of them, or if I'm feeling lonely and want to chat. If I resist the initial urge to call and think *Oh, I'll call them later, when I have more time*, I often don't call them later and too much time will go by before we talk. So I say always call them when you want to! Everyone likes to know if someone is thinking about them.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by Angela

Can I please ask you a question before answering yours? What do you think you're doing to keep you separate from the kind of deep friendships you're talking about?

Also: it's interesting that in your OP you don't actually come out and say you want deeper friendships. Do you want deeper friendships?

Well, first I guess I am afraid of rejection, so just not picking up the phone and calling people who I think I'd like to spend more time with. And when I do talk to people, keeping aspects of myself hidden so they will not reject me.

Second, I really like my flexibility so maybe I am afraid that if I develop friendships I will have to commit alot of time and effort to them and maybe even have to schedule things so that I can see them.

Third, I don't really like spending money on socializing.

When you put it that way, I don't know if I want deeper friendships. I like being around people and hanging out, but in a flexible setting where my presence isn't really required. I like having extra people living at my house, for instance, and have rented out extra rooms to family members. Usually there's all sorts of drama that goes along with this, and I might be done with that experiment. I met a really nice neighbor across the street last year and enjoyed going over and hanging out quite a bit -- she also had a daughter about the age of my oldest -- but then she moved a half hour away. We still keep in touch and see each other occasionally, but it's not the same. I've tried to cultivate friendships with a couple of other neighbors -- one is too busy, another too sick, a third too uptight -- and they just didn't work out.

[sheffy4]

Well it may be hard to cultivate deep friendships if you don't want to schedule anything... ever. But I guess you just realized that. I don't think hop is lost though. Most friendships can be sustained with occasional visits. Usually when I make a new friend I spend a lot of time with them in the beginning, then things taper off a bit, but we still make time to see each other and 'catch up.' So there is a lot of ground work, but once that's done you might be able to get away with only planning things with your friends once a month, or maybe even once every few months (but this is usually in the case of very close friends, otherwise, what's the point?).
Also, it shouldn't feel like such unpleasant work to schedule hang out time with your friends. If it does then maybe you don't have the right kind of friends yet. My friends and I generally enjoy doing many of the same activities, so it's fun to plan something with them because not only do I get to be with a friend, but I also do something I already enjoy.

As for the money issue, I'm there with you. I usually don't have the money to go out, but that hasn't stopped me from making new friends or hanging out with old ones. I know it's cliche, but all the best things in life are free! Here are some things my friends and I like to do that are free:

• Go on a walk around town, talk about things
• Play games at the house like cards and board games
• Cook/eat dinner together at home (You could even have a potluck and invite a lot of people over)
• Watch movies (maybe costs 5 bucks to rent, or watch ones you already own)
• Be outside. I live near a lake, so I go to the beach sometimes, or go on hikes in the mountains
• Learn something new. A friend of mine recently taught me how to knit, and we had a great time!
• Go out dancing but don't buy any drinks. This saves you from a hang over and lets you be the Designated Driver if need be
• Go to the arcade and feel like kids again. It may not be free, but a couple bucks worth of quarters is usually affordable even for me.

[Yellow]

Hey Lauxa,

I have been thinking about what it means to be a good friend. Maybe answering these questions will help me get started on figuring out what it means to be a good friend to someone, for me.

1) I count about 3 people as my close friends and my boyfriend. My definition of friends is what other people define as close friends. It is very limited and I think I am letting it expand. I am growing a lot more comfortable with sharing my life with people I dont consider close yet. I realized I keep a few good friends because in some way I am afraid of sharing my life with other people. I am afraid to talk about what is really going on in my life and what is bugging me. Though I still question why some times I open up to people more than they do.

2) With my closest friends, I just hang out. We talk, that's about it. My best girl friend out of the 3 has been away for a couple weeks and I was extremely busy to even call her up or send an email. I called her up for a couple minutes yesterday to say that I have been wanting to call her and that we'll talk as soon as I find some time.

3) To make sure that these friendships thrive, I have a tendency (which I learned from my best girlfriend) to let the other person know you care about them. I do that often, depending on the person and how comfortable they feel about getting all mushy :P.

These 3 friends of mine were going to move away (1 is already overseas and the other one in another province), so I have been thinking about making more friends and not just acquaintances (which I have plenty), I need to make good friends. I know every time I have decided that I want to become good friends with someone, and we've clicked well, I end up becoming good friends with them.

So, these days, I am trying to see which of my acquaintances I click with to form a deeper bond with. It sounds limiting in a way. I guess by close friends I mean people who I can really show my vulnerabilities to and know that they will respect my privacy.