intimacy issues--anyone with advice

[outdoorodessy81]

Hi everyone,

Here's what my girlfriend and I are stuck on. Were about 11 months into our relationship. For the first 7 months or so we were having sex about once a day. Now its dropped off considerably though that sort of thing is typical. Lately though its at a stand still. She loves my companionship and loves to hold, hug and kiss me but she says that she she doesn't know whats wrong with her but she she doesn't feel comfortable with having any sort of sexual activity with her body. There was an incident in her past where she was kidnapped for a short time and sexually molested. This I'm sure has at least something to do with it. It happened to her when she was a young teen and she said she didn't feel comfortable, and almost felt attacked for years after that if men tried to be physical with her. We just moved and don't have alot of money or health coverage currently. I think she should see a psychiotrist but neither of us can afford it right now. I think it would be healthy for her to do in the future...but for now I was hoping to get some feedback from people that might have gone through a similar thing. She also has a hard time finding self confidence and comfort. It seems like we could get back to our old sexual feelings since we had a great sex life for a long time, I just miss it and want to know if there are any suggestions on how to get us back there. Thank you

[mattpd]

A really good book "understanding the woman in your life" - by steve vinay gunther - made this point in a chapter talking about sex in relationships, especially directed at the amount of sex you are having.

'A factor for some women may be a history of abuse. If your partner has bene sexually abused at some point, an increase in intimacy may actually lead her to feeling less like sex. This is because she has finally found a man she feels safe with. She is in a relationship that is not about being used sexually. She may want to savour that feeling for a while.

However, if this pause goes on too long it may be the result of her being stuck in the history of her trauma. When some women really open up and relax, painful memories can surface and these may inhibit their arousal. If this is the case for your partner, she needs to find ways to move through the past. You can part of this , whether by supporting her to do therapy, attend counselling with her, or simply hearing some of her pain without coming up with solutions'.


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I think that advice is amazing!

This exact thing happened to me actually. When I was pretty bad at the whole dating thing I was a magnet for women with issues or a turbulent history. I'd been with girls who were abused, raped, assaulted, all kinds of things. The more messed up they were, the more they wanted to date me. I've actually experienced this exact thing you have, more than once, and its a killer because sometimes these abused girls can go off in the sack like a firecracker, and then you stop having sex it 100s times worse because it was so good.

This cycle changed when I changed. I had some issues myself under the surface, and it wasn't until I dealt with these that I began to date women witha clean bill of mental health. So I recommend spending some time getting yourself even more improved, as the people we date tells us large amounts about ourselves.

So, there is no easy fix for this. I'd say you need to make a decision on whether you are in this for the long-haul and willing to put up with some tough stuff to stay with her (I know I'm awful with beign sexually frustrated), or you can take a break until this stuff gets sorted and dealt with, or you can break-up and in the future screen girls out that have any of these kinds of problems (much the same way women tend to screen guys based on their relationship with their mother because it tells us so much).

I'm certain that there may be free ways for her to get some counselling, or even start investing in some books, but with all improvement and change, it really needs to be driven by her. You can help, and encourage, but it really needs to be wanted by her.

Good luck with it!