For all you Lonely Wolves Out There

[Scott H Young]

Hello everyone,

I've been reading a lot of the threads on this forum and a lot of them center around the "I'm not in the (any) relationship I want" debate. I've been replying to various threads, but I'd like to share my larger thoughts on the issue.

First off, let me say that I'm a young guy (18) and I've never been in a serious relationship. This means I'm certainly not a relationship expert. But I do have experience in knowing what it is like to not have the kind of relationship you want. The thoughts I offer past this point are those that came to me out of my own internal discussion that helped me deal with this problem. I figured if it helped me it might help some of you, so I'm sharing.

From everything I've noticed from people who are in relationships to those that have had lots and are dissatisfied, and even to those who are in ones they think are great here is a couple points I've noticed:

1. Being in a relationship doesn't fix your problem. People who are in poor relationships want better ones. People who are in great relationships have completely different problems.
2. The intense feelings of romance and attraction are temporary. Sure they are great, but they are insubstantial and too impermanent to chase forever.
3. The people who want relationships most are the least likely to get them.

You might think I’m full of crap or you might think that these observations just won’t apply to you. The fact is people are far more alike than they are different. The mere observation that many people are going through this exact feeling of loneliness shows those similarities. Since I’ve viewed many relationships from an objective standpoint these conclusions aren’t from personal experience but from personal observation.

Having Someone Won’t Fix You

There seems to be the tendency that if you get a relationship then your life will magically be better. From everything I’ve viewed, this really isn’t the case. When you get into a relationship one of two things will happen:

1) You won’t like the relationship and you’ll want a better one.
2) You’ll be in a great relationship that is everything you want (rare). When you get into this state your mind automatically shifts to completely different problems.

Relationships won’t solve your day-to-day happiness. If you’re in a relationship and you focus on how you’re grateful for that, sure it will boost that happiness, but being grateful for anything can boost your happiness so that doesn’t really count. I am grateful for having a good group of friends, that makes me happy when I focus on it. We all have things we can be grateful for to make us happy.

(My overarching theory of happiness is that growth/purpose is the only true quantity that gives happiness, but that is a whole other discussion
Scott H Young » Balancing Today and Tomorrow)

If you’re like me and you haven’t been in a serious relationship it can often be hard to see this. But I’ve talked to many people who have been in relationships and they confirm my suspicions. When you’ve been in and out of relationships either you secretly hope for a better one or you stop thinking about it and focus on something else.

For those of you who are in the (what I’ve observed as temporary) feeling of romance and attraction, congratulations. That is an experience that is small and powerful but generally doesn’t last. Like the feeling people get at the birth of their first child “falling in love” is beautiful but it is just another brief phase of life.

When it comes, appreciate its fragility, but at the same time don't be upset when it it's gone. That's life.

The next thing I’ve noticed is that people who get caught up in this “a relationship will fix me myth” are inherently less attractive. Sometimes they will still wind up with someone, but this is less likely because all relationships are based of an equal amount of give and take. How can you possibly give someone what they need (attraction, emotional connection, support) when you are obsessively focused on what you need?

What to Do

Again, really not the expert on this considering I’m still in the process of moving forward with my relationship success. But here is the conclusions I came to which might be useful to you:

1) Relationships are less about having and more about doing. Stop looking to have a relationship like it is something you can own and start trying to understand relationships and do them in such a way so that both parties gain. This applies to every relationship not just your intimate ones.

2) Relationships are a matter of degree and less about labels. Having a ‘friend’, ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ or ‘spouse’ is a label. Labels can be helpful in communicating a level of commitment and trust between two people, but they are useless to strive after.

3) Life is about growth, not destination. Stop thinking about getting to a certain point in a relationship and think about how you can improve the relationships you already have. Improving yourself to get relationships is great, but it is the improvement that will make you happier not reaching some arbitrary point.

I fully believe that everyone should strive to get what they want out of life and out of their relationships. If you’re feeling alone right now, just remember that you aren’t alone in feeling lonely. Good luck to everyone and their personal growth.

-Scott

[Radical]

Most people have relationships in order to satisfy sexual desires and alleviate the feeling of loneliness. Once people have achieved these goals of sexual gratification and companionship they soon get bored, the temporary satisfaction diminishes and they must create new goals in order to gain satisfaction.

[Michael Chui]

Thank you, Scott; that's an excellent write-up on the subject. I agree with nearly everything you said, and what I don't is a matter of detail, so it can pass.

[Scott H Young]

Michael,

I'm curious as to what you disagree with. Not trying to argue, just interested at where I my observations may differ with someon elses.

[Parthon]

I agree with what you said Scott, so many people in life go exist in that same context especially in relationships.

It's the need, want desire context. "I don't have the relationship I want." is the perfect example and they try and fix it by creating a relationship will fill that need, but the problem with needs is that when they are filled, the only thing there is emptyness and soon more need to fill in the gap.

I like your solutions too, but taking them one step furthur. I believe people who are stuck where they are should stop focusing on their needs, wants and desires, and start looking at what you can give to others. Working from abundance start giving out what it is that you most desire and put it into the world, then eventually it will flow back to you.

And if love is the only thing you want, start being kind and compassionate to everyone you see, and soon you will receive it in kind.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Scott H Young

I'm curious as to what you disagree with. Not trying to argue, just interested at where I my observations may differ with someon elses.

Nothing major or contrary, or I would have put it down immediately. They're finer details, but since you ask, I went back over it with a fine-tooth comb and this is what popped out...

Originally Posted by Scott H Young

For those of you who are in the (what I’ve observed as temporary) feeling of romance and attraction, congratulations. That is an experience that is small and powerful but generally doesn’t last. Like the feeling people get at the birth of their first child “falling in love” is beautiful but it is just another brief phase of life.

Romance and attraction are not universally temporary. I have indeed seen lifelong romances between husband and wife. But they're the exception, not the rule, as you suggest. I would agree with any advice that suggests romance and attraction are universally temporary, if only to help persuade people not to seek them so stubbornly, but facts are facts.

Originally Posted by Scott H Young

How can you possibly give someone what they need (attraction, emotional connection, support) when you are obsessively focused on what you need?

Some people have a very strong need to give. This creates a different set of problems, but as you say, relationships are no silver bullet. Some of the relationships I have seen in which this is the case are actually quite painful to watch.

Originally Posted by Scott H Young

Life is about growth, not destination.

This is a questionable assertion, because roads and destinations are interdependent. Cancer, for example, is a growth with no destination and thus deadly, because it is blind and reckless. But the wrong destination is potentially worse than no destination at all. This applies in relationships as well as to life in general.

Originally Posted by Scott H Young

it is the improvement that will make you happier not reaching some arbitrary point.

I am not sure whether I agree or disagree with this statement. It is a very interesting one, though, and worth questioning.

[Scott H Young]

Michael,

Thanks for your points, interesting to say the least.

[JimOfferman]

Hey Scott,

Great write up! I'm in the "don't have a relationship, but want one"-category myself, but I am definitely not seeking a relationship to fix myself. I'm not broken. Well, apart from the fact that I seem to be inadvertently attracting people who need fixing lately - need to work on that.

I like how you said that relationships are about doing not having. Reflecting on my existing relationships, there is definitely truth in those words. For example, my band are like family to me, but that relationship exist only because of what we do together (make music).

My desire for a romantic relationship is also based on the need to do the things you do in a romantic relationship. I don't need a trophy girlfriend to impress my buddies...

Jim.

[norbert]

I agree on "having someone won't fix you" and definitely agree on "relationships are less about having and more about doing". I used to say if you want a friend, first you be a friend. It starts with being interested in the other instead of dumping all your problems on him/her (notice the Covey-principle here: seek first to understand, then to be understood).

Having been in a serious bestfriend-relationship for 8 years, I think having a close companion profoundly affects your life. Quoting Steve, goals give a certain quality for the present moment. If you have somebody to set common goals and spend your life with, that can motivate the heck out of you, which in turn contributes so much to your day-to-day happiness as nothing else I've experienced in my 23 years.

[gberardi]

Originally Posted by Scott H Young

First off, let me say that I'm a young guy (18) and I've never been in a serious relationship. This means I'm certainly not a relationship expert. But I do have experience in knowing what it is like to not have the kind of relationship you want. The thoughts I offer past this point are those that came to me out of my own internal discussion that helped me deal with this problem. I figured if it helped me it might help some of you, so I'm sharing.

From everything I've noticed from people who are in relationships to those that have had lots and are dissatisfied, and even to those who are in ones they think are great here is a couple points I've noticed:

1. Being in a relationship doesn't fix your problem. People who are in poor relationships want better ones. People who are in great relationships have completely different problems.
2. The intense feelings of romance and attraction are temporary. Sure they are great, but they are insubstantial and too impermanent to chase forever.
3. The people who want relationships most are the least likely to get them.

I applaud you for being so young and for being so articulate about this idea. When I was in middle school/high school, I understood the basic idea well enough. I just couldn't explain it to friends who insisted on "getting a girlfriend" or would attack people with "Well, at least I have a girlfriend". So many people think that being in a relationship is a goal, and self-worth is defined by the ability to be in a relationship.

[The David]

Great thread (I think, I'm so far out of the relationship loop I don't really know for sure). I'm assuming you mean the intense attraction will fade? Even that may not be entirely true. But regardless, the novelty does wear off soon.

[JesusJuice]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Hey Scott,

Great write up! I'm in the "don't have a relationship, but want one"-category myself, but I am definitely not seeking a relationship to fix myself. I'm not broken. Well, apart from the fact that I seem to be inadvertently attracting people who need fixing lately - need to work on that.

I like how you said that relationships are about doing not having. Reflecting on my existing relationships, there is definitely truth in those words. For example, my band are like family to me, but that relationship exist only because of what we do together (make music).

My desire for a romantic relationship is also based on the need to do the things you do in a romantic relationship. I don't need a trophy girlfriend to impress my buddies...

Jim.

I'm also feel the same but won't go out with someone just for the sake of it.

OK the other week I had a bit of fun and noticed that I wanted more but didn't think it was possisble as he needed fixing and I didn't want a victim to rescue anymore. However I know someone that could give me what I want but I don't know if I want it from him.

I do feel sooooo alone it's a joke but I'm making the effort, without being desperate.

[Chet]

Well said, except for one point. Tha 'falling in love' part need not really be temporary, I for one fall in love all over again, nearly everyday. That however is most likely a very rare exception.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Chet

Well said, except for one point. Tha 'falling in love' part need not really be temporary, I for one fall in love all over again, nearly everyday. That however is most likely a very rare exception.

It wouldn't be if people knew how to love. =/