Loving two men at once and have to decide...what to do??

[leavesofgrass]

Hey everyone...where to begin? I feel at a crossroads right now in life, at the brink of attempting to make a decision that will likely affect the rest of my life. Basically, I am thinking about two men in my life right now, and it is not fair to go on any longer in this type of "in-betweeness". The problem is, I honestly cannot find the answer, or at least am not letting myself know the answer, to whom I should give it a go with.

The first man, A, is my ex-husband. We got married after 1.5yrs of dating, and got divorced 10 months later. It all happened so fast and was a mutual decision. The only way I can sum up why is that "something was not right" throughout the whole relationship. Yet from lots of confusion, here I am, 4 months after the divorce, at a point where there is the chance to re-start a new relationship with A and see if we really did give it all we had. A is pretty much an amazing guy, you could not ask for someone better, he is intelligent, caring, very giving, takes care of himself, etc. The love we have for each other is very deep and it is hard to imagine this being a final goodbye. He would be an amazing father and at times I think I could love him for the rest of my life and have kids with him. Yet, when we are together, it is like there is a feeling in the background that "something is missing" or "it's not right". We both experience this yet want so much to be together. (By the way, he is a conservative christian and I am a liberal agnostic). These problems are largely on my side, as I have problems expressing my love and feelings around him, for whatever reason.

The second man, B, was my first love, an ex-boyfriend whom I left for A, who would become my future husband, because B was not mature enough at the time to handle a relationship. B is intelligent, exciting, patient, and we have always had chemistry. We have similar beliefs (liberal, agnostic, etc), and I honestly enjoy just being with him. However, although he is in graduate school, the majority of his time is spent watching tv, playing video games (hello warcraft!?), and drinking. At times I wonder where his drive is, is he challenging enough for me, and I can plainly see that he kind of sucks at life apart from being what I would call "high functioning" enough to work on a PhD. Yet even so, I still feel drawn to him and always have. Around him, I feel like I can be myself, talk freely, and have fun. He does love me, and I believe it, but it doesn't feel like it has the depth that A's love has (possibly because it hasn't had time to deveop as fully yet).

If anyone has any advice, I would so appreciate it, or if there are certain questions I can ask myself that might make this process easier, that would be great too. Thank you....