Loving two men at once and have to decide...what to do??

[leavesofgrass]

Hey everyone...where to begin? I feel at a crossroads right now in life, at the brink of attempting to make a decision that will likely affect the rest of my life. Basically, I am thinking about two men in my life right now, and it is not fair to go on any longer in this type of "in-betweeness". The problem is, I honestly cannot find the answer, or at least am not letting myself know the answer, to whom I should give it a go with.

The first man, A, is my ex-husband. We got married after 1.5yrs of dating, and got divorced 10 months later. It all happened so fast and was a mutual decision. The only way I can sum up why is that "something was not right" throughout the whole relationship. Yet from lots of confusion, here I am, 4 months after the divorce, at a point where there is the chance to re-start a new relationship with A and see if we really did give it all we had. A is pretty much an amazing guy, you could not ask for someone better, he is intelligent, caring, very giving, takes care of himself, etc. The love we have for each other is very deep and it is hard to imagine this being a final goodbye. He would be an amazing father and at times I think I could love him for the rest of my life and have kids with him. Yet, when we are together, it is like there is a feeling in the background that "something is missing" or "it's not right". We both experience this yet want so much to be together. (By the way, he is a conservative christian and I am a liberal agnostic). These problems are largely on my side, as I have problems expressing my love and feelings around him, for whatever reason.

The second man, B, was my first love, an ex-boyfriend whom I left for A, who would become my future husband, because B was not mature enough at the time to handle a relationship. B is intelligent, exciting, patient, and we have always had chemistry. We have similar beliefs (liberal, agnostic, etc), and I honestly enjoy just being with him. However, although he is in graduate school, the majority of his time is spent watching tv, playing video games (hello warcraft!?), and drinking. At times I wonder where his drive is, is he challenging enough for me, and I can plainly see that he kind of sucks at life apart from being what I would call "high functioning" enough to work on a PhD. Yet even so, I still feel drawn to him and always have. Around him, I feel like I can be myself, talk freely, and have fun. He does love me, and I believe it, but it doesn't feel like it has the depth that A's love has (possibly because it hasn't had time to deveop as fully yet).

If anyone has any advice, I would so appreciate it, or if there are certain questions I can ask myself that might make this process easier, that would be great too. Thank you....

[Savage]

Answer = (not A) and (not B) = not (A or B)

So neither for a romantic relationship, but it might be okay to LJBF either or both of them, assuming you don't get dragging down by it.

[JimOfferman]

I'm with Steve on this one... you might want to find out who's behind door C...

or even who's behind doors D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z...

Neither of these men seem to offer everything you need to have in a LLMBR, so why settle for one of these two?

It's not like they are the last two men on earth! Lots and lots of cool guys out there!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Answer = (not A) and (not B) = not (A or B)

See Steve, Math is able to answer some of the most important questions there are .

[mattpd]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Answer = (not A) and (not B) = not (A or B)

So neither for a romantic relationship, but it might be okay to LJBF either or both of them, assuming you don't get dragging down by it.

haha you took the words out of my mouth.

I was going to say "neither!"

[Syriven]

I agree with mattpd and Steve. It seems like whether you go with A or with B, you will feel you're missing some very important things. Dating is one thing, but don't get married to someone that doesn't have all of the major things you need. You need to be able to feel a deep connection with your spouse (something B lacks) but you also need to feel completely comfortable with them (something A lacks). Again, dating is one thing, but don't marry someone when you know you'll always have lingering doubts about the relationship.

[marklang500]

but don't marry someone when you know you'll always have lingering doubts about the relationship

I agree. This is probably the biggest problem of the whole situation. The two have been coupled together in your mind. If you go with A, the other will pop into your head during the down times. If you go with B, then A will pop into your head during the down times. That's not fair to either one of them.

If you end up marrying E, then during the down times, you brain won't really have an easy distraction focus, because at worst it will be split over A,B,C, and D. Which is MUCH better for your marriage....To have a non-specific daydream is better than a specific one.

Date more people, and don't cross the love line until you are more certain (I keep a close watch on this heart of mine). And be aloof.

[philm]

leavesofgrass,

From similar personal experiences, it probably wont matter what anyone tells you. Nor what you do because you wont know what to do.

One moment you feel A is right, next B, next C, next maybe Q and they might even sneak into the game without you even asking for it.

Even if you think you know what to do the confused feelings will linger on meaning the outcome will probably be determined by circumstances beyond your control because what's in control of you now is your feelings and emotions (as was mine).

So, enjoy it while it lasts. It will tire, daze, confuse you the complications and drama will only escalate the longer this drama enfolds & you'll want to hide in a corner and get swallowed up into a big hole.

Besides grey hairs, a couple of abortions (my life's biggest regret), my confusion ended fortunately. With a marriage and a beautiful child. Hope your does too.

Even if you don't go Cold Turkey the good news is it will end.

much blessings and hope it will end soon enough : )

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by leavesofgrass

Hey everyone...where to begin? I feel at a crossroads right now in life, at the brink of attempting to make a decision that will likely affect the rest of my life. Basically, I am thinking about two men in my life right now, and it is not fair to go on any longer in this type of "in-betweeness". The problem is, I honestly cannot find the answer, or at least am not letting myself know the answer, to whom I should give it a go with.

The first man, A, is my ex-husband. We got married after 1.5yrs of dating, and got divorced 10 months later. It all happened so fast and was a mutual decision. The only way I can sum up why is that "something was not right" throughout the whole relationship. Yet from lots of confusion, here I am, 4 months after the divorce, at a point where there is the chance to re-start a new relationship with A and see if we really did give it all we had. A is pretty much an amazing guy, you could not ask for someone better, he is intelligent, caring, very giving, takes care of himself, etc. The love we have for each other is very deep and it is hard to imagine this being a final goodbye. He would be an amazing father and at times I think I could love him for the rest of my life and have kids with him. Yet, when we are together, it is like there is a feeling in the background that "something is missing" or "it's not right". We both experience this yet want so much to be together. (By the way, he is a conservative christian and I am a liberal agnostic). These problems are largely on my side, as I have problems expressing my love and feelings around him, for whatever reason.

The second man, B, was my first love, an ex-boyfriend whom I left for A, who would become my future husband, because B was not mature enough at the time to handle a relationship. B is intelligent, exciting, patient, and we have always had chemistry. We have similar beliefs (liberal, agnostic, etc), and I honestly enjoy just being with him. However, although he is in graduate school, the majority of his time is spent watching tv, playing video games (hello warcraft!?), and drinking. At times I wonder where his drive is, is he challenging enough for me, and I can plainly see that he kind of sucks at life apart from being what I would call "high functioning" enough to work on a PhD. Yet even so, I still feel drawn to him and always have. Around him, I feel like I can be myself, talk freely, and have fun. He does love me, and I believe it, but it doesn't feel like it has the depth that A's love has (possibly because it hasn't had time to deveop as fully yet).

If anyone has any advice, I would so appreciate it, or if there are certain questions I can ask myself that might make this process easier, that would be great too. Thank you....

None so righteous as the newly converted.

With that in mind, consider this advice from me that draws upon Steve's model in his new, Raising Your Financial Vibration article--a model that I think is great.

I propose that you're using this situation as a way to avoid something more challenging in your life.

Let me get crazy personal so you can actually understand that statement. I'll present several case studies.

Organisation system hides true self alignment
So for a long time now, I've been procrastinating on implementing the organisation system, Getting Things Done. I love the look of the system, and I actually want it and feel I need it, but darnit, whenever I should be working on it, I'm doing something else, or mysteriously, another project comes first, or I do things that aren't actually important and wonder where the time has gone. I find I tend to oscillate between wasting time I have and then being forced to work on other things because, unlike much of my other work, they have a "due date" so to speak.

I can admit now that I've been procrastinating on implementing GTD because if I was as organised as I know I will be when it's implemented, I know I'll have a level of clarity and a grasp on what I have to do that will force me to admit some truths that I've been resisting. Truths such as admitting that certain things aren't as fulfilling as they may seem, and that honestly, there are other things I'd like to do. But for me, that will require lots of work, and boy, do I resist that work!

* * *

Now I was going to give you some other case studies about relationships and about my... well, let's just call it an area that's really lagging behind--an area that has lagged behind because perpetuating it made it easier to reasonably avoid some other, more challenging changes I'd have to make if the area wasn't lagging behind. Unfortunately I don't quite feel ready to talk about them publicly yet.

I kind of feel like a wussy, but at least I'm an honest wussy.

But interestingly, my resistance to speaking about those areas publicly shows me that I do really need to grow there. The avoidance is what you do to stop yourself facing the *really* challenging parts of your life that require lots of work. For me, I'm just not a fan of work in general (it's a talent thing; I prefer fast, efficient results), but deep down, I can see I fear what the work entails because it will require that I face my true self more. And that's inherently scary. Lots of discomfort would lie ahead on that path, so it's easier to walk the more comfortable, easy path. But the more comfortable, easy path is also numbing.

In a recent article by Erin about Understanding Your Life Purpose, Erin talked about two groups of people: those here for a growth experience, and those here with a specific mission. I'm the latter. I'm someone here to do something. I know that. And most of my life, I believe, is going to be about embracing that and learning to sustain my message. But I also get the feeling that the embracing of my message will sort of act as my message, since it serves as an example for others to do the same. In other words, a term I like to use is "a leader goes first." For me, Steve and a few others were the ones to go first ahead of me, and now it's my turn to do the same for others.

Challenging, kind of scary, and probably not too comfortable--kind of like some of the "beds" Bear Grylls sleeps on when he's out on his adventures--but I know I'll do it.

So I propose to you that your real challenge isn't what guy you should go with. That's easy. You make a decision, or you experiment, etc.

What's *really* challenging is what you might have to do if you do make a decision. Now I'm not sure what that is, but I bet you do.

If you can identify that, and if you can use the steps in Steve's latest article to align with it, then you'll be ready to make the necessary changes, if you haven't already.

I have no conscious experience with this model of Steve's, but I do have unconscious experience with it, and have seen small pocket situations where certain aspects of the model have occurred in my life, so I'm pretty confident that it'll hold up conceptually and isn't just some bogus concept that won't work or that says, "you need to get rid of X fear", when you have no trace of X fear (many self help processes are like that; they work for some, but holistic and universally applicable they are not). It may manifest a bit differently to exactly what Steve wrote, but you're most likely a smart person, or an aspiring smart person (in the "personal development for smart people" sense), so you can figure that out.

Also consider that Steve wrote his new book, which tends to have a model that is crazy good, so if this new model that he talked about in his article comes from the person who wrote Personal Development for Smart People (the book written by Steve), then it must be pretty decent (since Steve not only uses the model from his book, but he kind of created it. To me, that tells me he knows what he's doing. Skeptics will be quick to disagree and say that my logic is incomplete, but suffice to say there are certain signs you can look for to verify a concept without actually having to apply it yourself--I just haven't mentioned them since I write for optimists. I've used this "sign spotting" strength all my life and get results that are disproportional to my level of experience with something, so trust me on this one, lest I subject you to pages and pages of info that isn't related to your current issue).

Now there's a really good article by Steve about not running from your pain and having the courage to face it, but I can't think of which one it is. I'll edit this post if I do.
Edit: found it! It's this one:
How to Predict Your Future

Great article. *Really* challenged me when I first read it. Almost a year after, I now have the level of awareness Steve talks about, where I have the strength to say, "I need to grow here, and this isn't ideal, but that's part of the growth territory." Before I would have resisted it, but like I did above where I said I wasn't comfortable to talk about certain areas of my life publicly (something rare for me), I accepted it instead of resisting it. Authenticity isn't about perfection; it's about alignment with yourself, which requires alignment with the moment as much as possible, which involves alignment with "what is" internally, as well as "what is" externally. This is challenging to build. For me, I kind of had to suffer until that suffering became a set of sign posts that served as lessons that allowed me to, from that point on, make better decisions--decisions more in alignment with what I desired.