The Great Soulmate Search

[Beingpeace]

I know this subject is one a lot of us struggle with, moreso with those of us who feel lonely. I don’t have a lot of people to confide with on this and need to throw it out there to total strangers who at the least may know more about the subject of male-female relationships and finding your soumate than I do at this time so please bear with me as this is a long one (don’t say I didn’t warn you!) and thanks ahead of time for any responses.

I work with a lady, ten years younger than me, and from day one (we hired her over a year ago) I really liked her. She had a boyfriend, but it as also a relief as we worked on the same team at the time. Her relationship was quite rocky, they’d broken up a couple of times last year.

The two of us had some minor work conflicts last year (nothing serious) but in February of this year we really clicked and got closer as colleagues, I began to feel an indescribable connection with her and I think likewise. Before I really didn’t think she saw me as anything more than a co-worker though, as I’m balding, a bit overweight and she’s model-like in her appearance (but very down to earth) but, you never know!

In late March she suddenly became very flirty, giving me intense eyes and smiles from across the room. She’d lost weight and started dressing very fashionably (compared to last year) and was looking stunning. She then made it very clear that she’d called it quits with her boyfriend, I assumed she’d finally concluded it wasn’t meant to be. I then suspected she was coming onto me. Since she was one of my two work partners and was good ‘office’ friends with my other partner (a notorious gossip) I was tentative on how to respond. I was also aware she was in her ‘rebound’ phase and know it isn’t good to be the rebound guy, never mind with a woman you work with.

We’d go out as a group for lunch or drinks and I really got the impression she was vying for my attention. I could have misread, though, men have a bad habit of this. She did mention her ‘ex’ a few times and I saw this as a sign that she wasn’t totally over him yet. I’d go home having feelings for her, wondering if I should ask her out in a casual way. I was confused and my gut told me to hold off, she was still my work partner and this could blow up in my face if it doesn’t work out, never mind the gossip on the floor. But I was growing more attracted to her. I decided to wait it out and let things just happen.

She then got a new position on our floor and switched jobs so we were no longer work partners. She also withdrew a bit and I had a hunch she could be getting back with her boyfriend. I truly dreaded the thought as I was falling for her. But on a couple of occasions we talked and it was an incredible connection, the rapport was so smooth, it was a joy. She came around the corner one day, ten feet away from me, smiled her gorgeous, beaming smile and held up her hand and waved (clearly exposing her wrist, a sign?) and gave me a huge hello. I responded in turn and at that moment I was head over heels, I felt that she was truly into me. The next day the same thing happened but I was so busy I couldn’t find time to talk. I was going on vacation the following week and wouldn’t have any opportunity to see her. It was now mid-May and I decided I would find a way to ask her out so I bought two tickets to a jazz concert in late June as I knew she loved jazz (like me). I would ask her after I returned from vacation.

I’d been studying the Law of Atraction for a year and I had it in my heart that I could have this woman as my feelings were so strong at this time and I felt it could happen. But, I’m also aware that manifesting intentions to have somebody ‘love’ you will more likely cause heartbreak than success due to separate vibration levels.

I got back ten days later and she let it be known that she was back with her boyfriend. My heart sunk. I couldn’t believe it. I lost sleep over this, I was so confused over the signals, the good feelings we had when conversing, how she’d laugh at my cute humour. Or was this a fantasy?
Over the next while she kept bringing up her and her boyfriend’s time together, plans for vacation, etc.. But we still got along great, she was very kind and open to me, the rapport was terrific … but I was very heartbroken.

At the end of June I went for lunch with her and a co-worker joined us. We were so synchronized it was scary. We’re both foodies and talked about the food with great passion. We found out that we both hoped of living in Montreal one day and that both of our dream vacations consisted of visiting Seville, Spain and we both loved flamenco music; we also were both reading Wayne Dyer’s material. She then asked me how she could break into the food critic business and I suggested she call one of the local papers to inquire. We left it at that and I took off for my three week vacation that day. Well, the next day (on my vacation) I picked up that very same local paper and there, in front of me, was an advertisement looking for food critics for this paper. I pondered emailing it to her but was wondering if she’d think I was getting to ‘close’ to her being that she was serious with her ‘ex’ boyfriend and all. I decided that I had to send it to her, it was more than coincidence, so I emailed it to her.
She was very grateful, applied for it and they asked her to send in a ‘test’ critique (she didn’t inform me of this, a co-worker did, so I called her about it). She thanked me again for emailing the ad and talked about synchronicity and how I found this ad a mere day after we talked about her getting into the biz. We both believed in synchronicity and discussed the topic a bit. She also said she’d email me her critique but she never did.

When I returned from vacation she was just departing for hers with her boyfriend. We talked a bit and more ‘coincidence’ and connection occurred, She asked me if I attended any of the Jazz Festival concerts and I responded that I did (the one I was going to ask her to). She then informed that she was a fan of the artist and that her dad listened to him in the household growing up. I responded (shocked) that I’d never met a woman who enjoyed his music, I was impressed. She then told me her dad was a guitar player who played in bands – lo and behold, so am I! I could really relate to this woman, and I felt very smitten by her, regardless of her no longer being single.

When she returned from vacation she didn’t speak to me for a week. I emailed her, asking if she got the food critique gig and reminded her that she never sent me her initial review and she curtly responded that she’d let me know what happens (without mentioning that she’d send me her review – I never have seen it). I took this as a cold shoulder, things were going well between her and her guy and to let her be, etc..

But, a day later we ran into each other and the easy rapport was there, she was very friendly to me and, walking down the street with each other she kept bumping her shoulder into mine (purposely?) and it drove me nuts. I made her laugh like before and we were like the best of friends. Over coffee she started asking when my birthday was (why?) and things were cool, we had a blast. We really talked, one on one, at the end of the day but she was quite clear that her and her boyfriend were very serious and had a great summer together. I admit it hurt to hear her rave about their relationship, I was jealous and left the office a little down (especially since a couple hours prior we had a great time together). I was a bit depressed that night and felt it was necessary I distance myself from her as I was too heartbroken over her. I really thought I’d get over her but…

I brought my original music CD’s (containing music I written and recorded) into the office for some of my co-workers to critique and gave her one. She loved it, was taken aback by my ‘talent’ (blush) and wanted her boyfriend to hear it. She then informed me that her boyfriend, like me, was a photographer and a blues music afficiando. This coincidence was painful to hear as, again, this is the kind of lady I’m looking for and she’s taken.

The next day she emailed me a photo of an oil painting she’d just completed and asked me to critique it for her (I didn’t see this coming). Her boyfriend told her it needed ‘more color’ (she mocked him saying this), which was a little of base as it was an abstract so I provided her with what I considered a decent critique as I’ve studied art for many years and am a practicing fine-art photographer. She was extremely grateful and we really connected on this (again). I felt some emotional intimacy happening and I’m almost uncomfortable with this as I’m tiring of plutonic relationships, especially at my age. Am I being selfish here?


In conclusion, I’m fully aware that she is in a serious relationship and I have a hunch she’ll be engaged in the next while.

The problem is that I’ve tried to get her off my mind and I simply can’t. I know people say the way to achieve this you is to find somebody else but therein lies the problem. I simply have a difficult time ‘forcing’ this to happen. Am I unhealthily obsessed? She is so much of what I’ve been looking for in a partner and we have great chemistry and rapport, more than I’ve had with the many women I’ve dated in the past years. This is like getting all numbers except one on that lottery ticket and I feel the odds are now against me in finding that special soulmate we all hope for. I know I need to be a mature adult and get on with things, that this has awakened my heart and made me aware of a void I have in my life, one I’d like to be filled once and for all.

Do I let her go completely? Or is she a human being that’s come into my life for a positive reason and it’s important I remain friends with her, however crushed I am by feeling I’ve come so close yet it’s untouchable?

Thanks graciously for your time.

[Dan.Linehan]

Wow -- great post.

It sounds like you had your chance when they were broken up. That's why she kept mentioning her ex.

[Dan.Linehan]

I'd make it clear to her now that you do like her, and that if things don't work out between her and her boyfriend that you'd like to take her out.

Otherwise, she might get engaged assuming she doesn't have other options.

[Vasilisa]

The woman really likes you. Go to her and talk. Even if you get "no" for an answer, believe me, your words will sink in her mind and she'll be thinking about you a lot. And the next time she breaks off with her boyfriend (I'm sure it'll happen eventually in the relationship like that), she'll run straight to you.

[Beingpeace]

I admit that I expected the responses to this to tell me to move on, there’s plenty of fish in the sea – why am I so slow to realize that she really likes me? Why do I sense it is only as a friend (a man’s worst nightmare lol)? Fear?

I should have mentioned that I’m 43, never married and have never been in an extended, loving relationship (she’s around 33). A late bloomer, I suppose, who’s had a problem with intimacy with other people. Besides, I've never truly felt the desire to settle down - this is finally happening to me, it's never too late is it?

But this woman and the experience has truly awakened something in me and has made me aware that I’m ready to find a companion to share my life with as I’ve never really clicked like this with a woman before.

I still wonder if I really had a chance … I’ve read that when a woman keeps mentioning her ‘ex’ (and not in a condenscending way), she usually isn’t over him yet and is pondering returning to him. I had this in mind. I also just felt the timing wasn’t right, I wasn’t totally sure that I wanted to pursue her initially as it was so sudden and I never expected this attention from her (I never saw the signs previous to this) and it’s been years since I’ve had such obvious attention directed toward me. Perhaps she was just trying to befriend me (nothing more than that)?

Also, the situation at hand dictated my actions (or lack of) I suppose. Romantic relationships in the office can be precarious at best as things can turn nasty if they don’t work out. Besides, she was good friends with a very gossipy woman (my other partner) and it’s a truism that woman talk – it’s a fact of life and I didn’t want to be part of the gossip network if I were pursuing a co-worker. But after a month or so (too long probably), I started to see things differently, felt more at ease (she got the other job), was falling for her more and decided I’d ask her to that jazz concert. Well, I was too late as we now know. I also had a hunch that she’d get back with her guy and I really feared becoming part of a love triangle. You’re either finally broken up with somebody or your not IMO. An on again, off again relationship.

Regarding talking to her about my feelings (my brother recently suggested the same thing as it’s driving me crazy), I don’t know. I don’t feel comfortable doing this as I think she’s in the process of buying a home with her boyfriend which indicates that they’ve taken a very serious step to full commitment. Oddly, all of our real synchronicity happened after she got back together with him and I got to know her more since then. Maybe she was more open about herself as she feels secure in her relationship and feels she has nothing to risk? I also know she wants me to meet her man but I really don’t want to at this time. What can I say, I’m just not ready to see her being intimate with another guy, but it also may put closure on this.

I also know if she shoots me down this could cause tension in the office and force me out of a decent paying career (hard to come by these days).

I just can’t get her off my mind, that’s the issue today, and wonder if just maybe ...

On a lighter not this sure makes for some decent songwriting material (as a matter of fact her favorite song on my CD was inspired by this!).

[richie111]

Forget everything and don't think so much.
Just go and tell her all, If she say's 'no' don't care about people. Its your life and there's nothing wrong in getting shot down. But just think what you might be missing if she has feelings for you.
And if your friendship breaks because of you getting shot down, its more good and will help you get out of it completely.
Say It man, just go and tell. Don't think anything. Let your feelings flow freely.

[ns123]

I've had this happen twice to me in the past:

1. the first time, he revealed he had a crush on me for a while. I thought we were good friends. He was 10 years older than me, and I was 21 at the time. He was not the one for me, though I still enjoyed laughing and talking to him as a good friend. After a little awkwardness, we pretended it never happened and remained good friends.

2. the second time this happened to me, I married the guy and had his babies. He was 5 years older than me, balding, and had love handles. He still is bald and has love handles. I love both his bald head and love handles - I even miss them now that he's getting into shape.

So, it's possible it will not be the end of the world if you reveal your feelings. She might even go for it and you may end up together.

[danas]

Sounds to me like she enjoys your company, but is in love with her BF. She enjoys flirting with you and enjoys the attention, maybe because she doesnt get this "admiration" from her BF.
You could try to tell her, and maybe this will put you in a new light for her, but as someone who can relate to her position... Im not sure itll make a difference.
It is a good sign though. She opened your heart! sparked in you the light of desire and hope. From this place you can focus on finding a partner who has all the characteristics you liked in her

[Beingpeace]

Thanks for the responses!

danas

Your take on it is close to what I think is reality. She's made it pretty clear to me that her relationship with her boyfriend is pretty 'on' as of late. Men often seem to have a more difficult time of letting go of these feelings once they're there - at least that's my experience.
I still think I made the right decision in not moving on it too fast as my feelings were a bit confused at the time - and, tho we all may not all agree, you do have to be careful with romance at work IMO. It's always a risk.

ns

I love your take on balding guys with love handles.
This situation has made me literally look in the mirror and Im considering hiring a personal trainer to get into great shape and be more physically attractive. Another plus to this situation!

But, I must say that I am tiring of platonic relationships with woman I really like, being the nice guy who girls enjoying hanging out with. This person was so close to what I want and I haven't felt this way in years (I'll stop whining about it) ... and I can't wait around to see if she'll breakup with her guy again. You can't let it control your life or you'll never move on.
I never dreamed finding the 'right' companion would be so difficult

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Beingpeace

Thanks for the responses!
I love your take on balding guys with love handles.

He's actually still bald but love handles are going away. He's had them 9 yrs we've been married, and I sometimes miss them.

Originally Posted by Beingpeace

But, I must say that I am tiring of platonic relationships with woman I really like, being the nice guy who girls enjoying hanging out with. <snip> ... and I can't wait around to see if she'll breakup with her guy again.

Hah, you sound like my husband, and we still laugh about it now. He waited around for 2 years for me to break up with my boyfriend, then when I finally did, and he could move in on me, I started dating another guy! And this guy was 6' tall and 200lbs to boot! He was going to call it quits on me and give up, and bam, 2nd boyfriend got a summer job in another city. And my husband moved in and snatched me away. We have been married for 10 years.

So, who's to say something unexpected will not happen and she will land right in your arms? You never know.

Sometimes, things just work out. You just have to be patient - or move on. Maybe a new hottie is around the corner.

[Beingpeace]

So, who's to say something unexpected will not happen and she will land right in your arms? You never know.

Sometimes, things just work out. You just have to be patient - or move on. Maybe a new hottie is around the corner

I agree with this. The fact is, as long as I'm still single and if she indicates she's done with him (again) I'll definitely not pass up on the opportunity. I think we've had enough vibe going and synchronicity that she probably feels the same way - or she just sees me as a #!@& friend lol!

As I approach middle age I feel time moving fast so I have to limit my 'hope' (ie. not stay fixed in this mode) or I'll miss other opportunities.

[C33]

Ha, I relate a lot to your post, being supposedly middle-aged myself and having to deal with the same issues...

It seems that you have a great connection with this girl and she probably feels great with you.However, she seems to be comfortable with her boyfriend, having a history with him, it probably is easier for her to stay with him then trying something new.

Thankfully, this great woman has showed you that it is possible to find someone compatible and with whom to have a magical connection. Maybe she is just a reminder on your path, getting you ready to open up to the beautiful soulmate that is coming your way.

One day I was heartbroken over some guy who was "almost" perfect for me, a very good friend of mine told me: if he is almost perfect for you, it means you are GETTING CLOSER...to the guy who is perfect for you.

My friend also said: this guy is just a tree that is hiding the forest you are looking for. He is not the right one, but his qualities and compatibility with you show that you are getting closer and closer to what you want.

If this woman doesn't make a move, another one will.

[Angela]

I think you would be wise to turn towards what you want: women who are available for a loving, long term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) with you.

This woman has made it pretty clear that she is not available, despite your wishing she were. Now you are focusing on what you don't want: a woman who is not available. (Yes, you feel like you want her, but face it, man: she's unavailable and that's not what you are really interested in focusing on, is it? You could find yourself in a state of yearning for a long time.)

Turn towards what you want. Do what it takes to meet some available women, and get to know them. She is not the only hot female jazz fan out there () and you could use some practice dating for fun. Go online, or ask a mentor for help (perhaps mattpd here in these forums?). Shift your focus from this woman into an active and dynamic willingness to find a woman who is available for an LLTMBR with YOU.

Then be sure and speak openly to Ms. Officesexyjazzgirl about your search for a great woman, and always talk about the FUN you are having, never any troubles you might be having. Watch her respond. Have fun.

p.s. I'm itching to know who the jazz guitarist you saw in concert was! It wasn't Pat Metheny, was it? Because that would be just too bad for her.

[mattpd]

Sorry man, you are in the friends zone.

Thats right, to her you are a non-sexual being, like a teddy bear, but you can walk and stuff.

You made lots of mistakes, namely:

1. liking girls at work - I recommend against this

2. not escalating when you had your chance, even if she liked you she is bound to lose interest if you don't pull the trigger

3. your feelings for her developed way more than the relationship between you - and a guy who likes a girl too much before anything actually happens tends to get a really unattractive energy about him

4. You were way too nice, buying cds, nice emails, kinda made me a little ill :P Seriously, be a man, don't be Mr Sissy nice guy, who makes all the effort and gets no sex

I think really that you misinterpreted much of her affection for you as actually being that she liked you sexually but she actually just liked you as a friend. Watch the movie "just friends" which is totally awesome, to know what I mean. It was cool when you were playing the friends card, but then you liked her and you got weird.

So its actually good nothing happened, because work things can get messy. There is like 1 billion single people in the world, thats like 10,000 years if you went speed dating with a new girl every 5 minutes. Go out and meet women, no need to do it at work, it just creates problems.

And for godsake, stay out of the friends zone. If you like her start touching her in the future, if you want to progress it, progress it, if there is one thing ive learned you have a window of opportunity, and if you take it you have a chance and if you miss it, you lost it. The more socially popular the girl, the smaller the window.

And guys! When a girl starts talking to you about her boyfriend problems, or her relationship issues, or anything like that, its bad for you. It doesnt mean she is giving you a chance it means she is treating you like a girlfriend. I ban girls from talking about that stuff with me, thats what her girlfriends are for. You want to be the guy who she tries to impress, not the guy who she cries on his shoulder.

The friends zone sucks! I've been there, its like terrible. I was the guy who went out with 8 hot girls on Saturday night, and didn't sleep with any of them. I was that awesome guy, that girls will love. I was the guy who women just adore, and think is great, and so sweet, but didn't want to have sex with. Lets just say that I'm glad I traded being Mr Perfect who got hugs, to being the guy girls complain about a bit and gets hot sex.

[Beingpeace]

Angela - it was John Scofield (I'm a huge Pat Metheny fan, too) who was pretty 'out there' that night working on his realtime loops and effects.

Also, I love your idea of boasting about my dates - I've had this advice given to me by other women, a bit of a litmus test. I've just got to move on, that's the reality.


Mattpd

I appreciate the three points you've provided but I need to clarify that I didn't buy her a CD (I'd never buy a potential 'interest' anything BTW) - I passed on one of my own CD's that I that burned in my studio. I did the same for six other colleagues on the same day as they all expressed interest in hearing my work and she comes from a musician family (which I think may have connected us intuitively).

Also the email was a genuine tip to help somebody hopefully find a break in a passion they were exploring (we discussed this topic only the day before), I really didn't do it to impress her, I believe in helping people in life and I would have done this for anybody.
Sorry these 'genuine' gestures it nearly made you ill! I'm really not the sissy you assume lol! I know what you're getting at, tho, and I've avoided any talk about her guy as much as possible as I'm fully aware that she could be treating me like a 'girlfriend' which I will run away from. I guess we're really comfortable together and maybe, in the end (when I'm in a steady, great relationship with somebody else) we may become good friends - it could be part of our destiny, who knows. I certainly don't want any ill will towards a decent person who just wasn't quite homeplate for me.

I was more taken back by how much we just clicked as people and the easy rapport we have, it doesn't happen that often in life. I missed the boat in spring, I admit, but I wasn't 100% sure to jump into it for the reasons I indicated - in hindsight...

The friend zone definitely isn't what I want although I think she's a decent gal and all. I know she wants me to meet her guy as we have so much in common and, right now, I really couldn't care less to to do so. This happens to me too often.

I'm on an extended vacation right now and think the time away has been good and this forum especially has been good therapy, what can I say. We'll see how it goes when I see her in a couple of weeks (I certainly won't be going out of my way to visit her).

Thanks again!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Beingpeace

Angela - it was John Scofield (I'm a huge Pat Metheny fan, too) who was pretty 'out there' that night working on his realtime loops and effects.

I am so stinking jealous! That must have been wonderful. I got to see him front row center at the Hollywood Bowl (the quartet, right after "Up All Night" came out). What a great night that was. One of the highlights of my concert memories!

Too bad for her.