Visualizing the ex

[CatherineS]

Ok so I'm new to posting, but have been reading around the forum area for awhile... Anyway, my issue up for discussion is this:

There is a specific person (an ex) I would like to be in a relationship with but have been convinced thru study of LOA that it is best to seek the best qualities of that ex in a new relationship instead of trying to LOA-mind-control him back into my life. Right. So I'm a visual person and do visualizations for LOA. The thing is, whenever I begin visualizing myself in a happy, loving relationship, the ex is inevitably the guy in the picture. And it is so pleasurable to imagine myself with him again in the future (but in this ideal loving relationship that I'm seeking of course) that it is hard to kick him out of my visualizations!

I've been beating myself up about this though, feeling that the 'right' thing to do is to try Not to make him the object of my 'The One' visualizations (I'm around 30 and ready to commit). I'm also trying to focus on the intention to make our relationship the best it can be for both of us, though of course I desire it one way! Obviously I have a lot of work to do in the acceptance area.

So, help! What do you think? Am I just allowing myself to be lost in daydreams about being back with the ex in the future, and justifying it to myself by labeling it as LOA visualization? But while I'm visualizing it just feels so frigging GOOD! SIGH

[Agoge]

Hey, thanks for sharing! You certainly don't seem to be holding anything back from us.

My first instinct about this is "Hmm...she's after an ex?" That's a red flag. I think we could use a little more info on the ex and why he's an ex, why the relationship went bad, and why you want to get back together with him, etc. Hopefully you're not after him in one of those "He unvalidated me, and all I need is his validation then I can lose interest again" type things. Working through those issues might help things work for you faster. So that's a red flag - a lot of people I think want to get back with ex's for the wrong reasons.

I had a similar desire with a recent intention, where I wanted to go back to my past and manifest something new from it, but I realized shortly thereafter that I basically didn't care enough about it to properly emotionalize it. I just dropped it.

But, that being said, why not go after this? You said it feels good to imagine, and that's always a good sign in terms of your visualizations. I'm sure it's been done before.

[CatherineS]

Hi Agoge, thanks for the reply. Yes, I think anyone with enough serious relationship experience under their belt sees the "I want my ex back" flag as the biggest reddest one on the flagpole! I get this.

In our case, I left the country for a short-term (year) business position in China and he broke up with me a few months in as communication became difficult--mainly bc of my insecurities about expressing needs, etc. So lame. I'd actually been working hard during this relationship with him specifically on this issue and have gotten tremendously better than in the past. He certainly has his own emotional issues as well though, but we all do at some level. I want to be back with him bc of, well--forgive me if I sound like a smitten teen--everything! I love his personality, his interests, his desires, our chemistry... We were together only 8 months before I left but I felt more head-over-heels for him than I had for any of the past 3 and 4-yr relationships I've had in the past--one of which I really believed at the time was 'It'.

My fear though is that I am deceiving myself and doing more damage that good in the long run by 'allowing' myself what feels like a guilty pleasure of visualizing us together as an ideal loving couple in the future.. that I may be blocking other possibilities out. Bc although I feel with my heart that I want This Man, I am intelligent enough to recognize that I should be open to 'The best possible mate for the highest good of all' even if (gulp) that doesn't involve the ex. So should i force myself to change these visualizations??

[Agoge]

Well it's up to you really. I personally don't see what would be bad about visualizing a healthy relationship with him. But to be honest, my instinct here is that you would actually do better without using your ex as the guy of your dreams when you visualize attracting a mate.

Speaking of which, would attracting "the one" really be your highest priority here? Is that what you're going for, and you just want your ex to be the one, or do you just want your ex?

[JimOfferman]

I think part of the problem is that we aren't very good at making people up, so our brains tend to instead imagine someone we already know to play the part of "Mr/Mrs Perfect Love" in our dreams.

In fact, all the parts in my dreams are played by people I already know. Can be pretty funny at times... in one of my Bond movie like dreams I was captured and dragged to the evil villain of the story, who turned out to be my mom. Hi mom!
I assure you she's quite friendly in real life!

Anyway, it might help to realize that your ex is just a substitute for "the real thing" in your visualizations. Of course, the LoA doesn't rule out that your ex is the right person for your next LLMBR. It just requires that you remain open to that person being someone else than him (at which point your visualizations will instantaneously match that new reality...)

Happy hunting!

[CatherineS]

@Agoge: Yeah, but that's exactly my debate: It doesnt seem like it could be bad to imagine a healthy relationship with him, but instict is telling you otherwise...

@JimOff: That's funny about your mom being the villain! If I'm honest with myself, though, my ex isn't just the easiest image for my brain--my brain just Knows it wants Him in that "Perfect Relationship" role. So I can totally absorb myself in these visualizations in my head about being with him in this future ideal situation, but every few seconds I think, "Wait, what if this is just me delusioning myself about getting back with him, I won't move on, and I'm simultaneously blocking out meeting new men?" Which really isn't helping my frequency, so I need to make a decision: Acknowledge this is what I want and keep imaging him in this role wholeheartedly, guiltfree -OR- Go through the painful process of refusing to allow him into my visualizations in this role, but then feeling sure that this is the right thing, not just a guilt-reaction to my desire to do otherwise. Is that confusing? I can rephrase if need be...

[ming]

Originally Posted by CatherineS

The thing is, whenever I begin visualizing myself in a happy, loving relationship, the ex is inevitably the guy in the picture. And it is so pleasurable to imagine myself with him again in the future (but in this ideal loving relationship that I'm seeking of course) that it is hard to kick him out of my visualizations!

I know exactly what you mean by personal experience, one wonders if the ex put a curse on you to never forget him, it´s frustrating. The hideous thing about it is that the visualization is a mixture of your ex and the ideal guy, so it is not neat and strong enough to bring into reality neither of them, nor a mixture of both. It is a catch-22 situation. Isn't it?

[CatherineS]

Originally Posted by ming

I know exactly what you mean by personal experience, one wonders if the ex put a curse on you to never forget him, it´s frustrating. The hideous thing about it is that the visualization is a mixture of your ex and the ideal guy, so it is not neat and strong enough to bring into reality neither of them, nor a mixture of both. It is a catch-22 situation. Isn't it?

Actually in my case it's 100% him in my visualizations. I guess I'm looking for insight into whether or not I need to force myself to project my future with John Doe (and I have a great imagination so building a made-up hottie from scratch is easy for me--I know it's been an issue for others), or if I am ok by committing myself to the luxury of imagining my future with the ex, while throwing into the intention statement itself the added phrase: "except it could be somebody else better if that's what's really best." Even though I really just want him. And even though I just spent the whole visualization hooking up with the ex. Btw, am I the only one who frequently spends their relationship visualizations immersed in adult-content acts?? Liiiiiiike, 60% of them?? Will this only attract sex-focused men into my life? (actually, I cd totally deal with that...just kidding...sort of

[Agoge]

Originally Posted by CatherineS

@Agoge: Yeah, but that's exactly my debate: It doesnt seem like it could be bad to imagine a healthy relationship with him, but instict is telling you otherwise...

Why not try this: since this is all LoA anyway, why not Intend that the better answer comes to you? There's a pretty common exercise where you get yourself ready for visualization (relaxing, close to sleep maybe, not distractions) and then ask the question. Then you clear your mind until you hear a clear answer.

Maybe the right step here is the backwards step, and starting at the beginning rather than in the middle.

[CatherineS]

I'll try that, Agoge.

[Dan.Linehan]

A couple years ago I was trying to use different intentions to bring positive romantic relationships into my life after ending a long (six year) term, somewhat difficult partnership.

At one point, I wrote down that all I wanted was a "sexy as hell, sweet, bear cub type guy to come into my life and sweep me off my feet." (Bear cub is a term for a stocky, masculine gay guy.)

So, I made this intention, released it, felt like it worked. Went about the week.

A couple days later Paul, my ex, calls me out of the blue. He says he's feeling down and wants to talk. He comes over and as soon as I answer the door he's so happy to see me he grabs me in a big old bear hug, picks me up, buries his face in my chest and spins me around.

So, I literally got exactly what I asked for. A "sexy as hell, sweet, bear cub" came right over to my house even and "swept me off my feet." Not exactly what I had in mind. Very funny LOA.

Just a bit of LOA-irony for ya.

[Alison Jenkins]

I prayed I would meet a Dr ..... and guess what my husband is a Dr PHd type! Very ironic really but I got what I prayed for. Always imagined I'd meet a Dr (medical) as I was a nurse.

Alison

[mattpd]

Start Visualizing Less...



...and start dating more.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by CatherineS

Even though I really just want him.

If you want to hook up with him again in pure bliss this time around, then that's what you want. Why try to fool yourself or the Universe about it? I'd say allow yourself the luxury to go for what you desire wholeheartedly and place your ex in the leading role of your visualisations.

Just if instead of your ex some other marvelous guy runs down your door in answer to your prayers, don't send him on his way, but then trust that the Universe got you just the deal you've been aiming for.

[CatherineS]

@Mattpd Definitely already out there in the dating world. This was meant to be a specific question regarding my visualization technique, sorry if that was not clear.

@Tigerlilly Great advice. I think this is where I've been personally headed in my thinking around this issue. I feel like I'm lying to myself if I'm pretending I want someone else, but at the same time own up to the knowledge that God(or whatever your version of that is) knows the ultimate best which may not be the ex. And to remain open to that. I'm just wary I'll be shutting the door to the new guy if I keep my current desires alive. But I think the best thing is to make a decision and feel confident in my visualizing. Keeping my heart and eyes open to all opportunities of course!

[oBakasan]

Go back to your ex. You broke up over a stupid reason and the Universe is obviously telling you to reunite.

[CatherineS]

oBakasan: I wish! I was not the breaker-upper in this case and if it were left up to only me, we would be back together. But thanks for the laugh!