Help with ex-relationship

[Peepers]

I am distraught and am seeking advice. I have been divorced for two weeks. I did not want this, my husband did. We were together for 20 years, married for 10. He refused to go to therapy and all through the divorce process treated me as if I were his worst enemy. I have not cheated on him, do not have any addictions, and am not abusive.

His reasons for the divorce are flimsy - I criticised his mother's behavior at Thanksgiving two years ago, I did not nurture him enough when he had to undergo chemotherapy for cancer (100% curable type) 3 years ago ( I did have to go to work full time and I did feel that I cared for him greatly. But that doesn't count). Also, I do not like to have fun he says. I did not go to his family's house out of state for Christmas two years in a row.

Four years ago, his brother died suddenly at the age of 49. The next year is the year he got cancer. The year after that, his father died and so did his cousin. He said these events caused him to examine his life at mid-life (he is 47) and he decided he wanted something different.

In the spring he came home one day and said that he was tired of being the fat old guy at work. He is bipolar 2 and started self regulating his medications so that he could lose weight. He did lose weight but he also became very mean. He was always prone to tantrums and they seemed to become more severe. He was irritable all the time and didn't want to spend time with me.

Last summer he started going out with a group of friends from work. They would drink heavily and actually formed a 'club'. He would come home stumbling drunk. This caused friction between us. At the end of July, 2007, I suggested we separate for a little while since things were so stressful between us. He said no, he did not want to do that. We had so much history together that he did not want to give up on our relationship. He stated that he had hit rock bottom and would go get help with his drinking. Wonderful! That's just what I wanted. He never did get help. Two months later he announced he wanted a divorce and also exclaimed that he was having such a phenomenal time with his friends. I was never invited to meet these friends. Later, he told me another reason for the divorce was that I did not help him when he had his drinking problem.

I honestly did not think there was anyone else. That was some small comfort to me. Then, three weeks ago, I found out that not only is there someone else, he is living with her. She is 28 and is one of the crowd he went out drinking with. I am heart broken.

When this all started, I thought he would find that the bright shiny life he thought was out there for him really did not exist. I was wrong. He traded in living in a 100 year old bungalow witha 46 year old wife to living ina 3 story ultra modern luxury townhome with a 28 year old girlfriend. I feel like a fool.

For some reason, I still love him and feel protective of him. I am seeing a therapist. She has stated that he will regret his decision and that this new relationship very probably will not last. This does make me feel a little better for a little while. I do want him back. The therapist has seen both of us and has said that there is no reason for this divorce.

I should mention that he did have an affair when we had been living together for five years. I moved out. When I finally, truly didn't care about him anymore, that's when he came back. So I keep hope that he will return again.

Any advice or words of wisdom you could give me would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Peepers and welcome to the boards and a big virtual hug to you too.

It sounds like you put so much effort into keeping your husband happy and supporting him and now he has decieved you and treated you really badly. I'm not surprised you feel hurt.

But reading your post I was struggling to understand what it was about him that you would actually want back! Why is it that you want someone back who drinks to excess, excludes you, lies and cheats on you?

I don't see much of you and what you want from life in your post. At the moment you are waiting for him to change his mind and come back, but what if he doesn't. How long will you wait for him?

In the meantime think about what benefit you have now that he isn't in your life. What can you do now, that you couldn't do before when he was around? Who can you be now that you couldn't be before.
There will be some positives in your situation, even if they aren't immediately obvious right now. Can you see what they might be?

[m0vingon]

I wholeheartedly agree with Holistic Star on this one. Chances are good that if the two of you did reconcile the relationship would still be dysfunctional. Is that truly what you want in your life?

My concern though, is what you have mentioned your therapist saying. It sounds that she is encouraging you to hang on to the possibility of reconciliation. Or is that your interpretation of what she has said? It just sounds like a therapist who essentially bad mouths your ex yet tells you that there is no reason for the breakup is unprofessional and misleading. You would do well to try seeing someone who will help you move past this time as opposed to helping you stay in limbo.

The only other thing I can say is that there is always a reason for a marriage ending, even if we don't fully understand it or want to accept it. I can see why you feel hurt by your ex basically saying that you did not meet his needs sufficiently during the relationship, but that is still his reality. Some people have more needs than anyone could ever meet and that is not a reflection on you, but on him. Take heart, your life will carry on and though it may not feel like it now, bigger and better things will be awaiting you when you are ready to receive them.

[jtracy]

I too, have recently been divorced. I did not want it initially but, due to some amazing coincidences, came to realize that this would be the best thing for me too. We had grown apart over the 20 year marriage, in addition to other problems. What I was most surprised about was how I didn't want to see him. I have no anger toward him but no particular desire to be close to him either. He did have a temper.

I can't understand why your therapist said there was no reason for the divorce. Obviously there was, otherwise it wouldn't have happened. Your husband must have had some desire to leave. Perhaps even he doesn't conciously know why he had to leave, but there must have been a reason somewhere. My ex-husband went through 20 years of marriage and it was only when he was getting pre-divorce counselling that he realized he was homosexual. That could easily have been a factor in him leaving but I really think he wasn't conciously aware of it untill after he had decided to divorce.

But I think it's time for you to move on. It's time to ask yourself what you are gaining, or being able to avoid, by hanging on to him emotionally. I agree with the comment that your ex-husband's behavior would not be that of someone a healthy person would want. It also might be helpful for you to think about what the perfect mate would look like. Finally, I have heard that it is very important to not dwell on all your ex-husbands faults so that the next time you find someone special (and there will be a next time too; there always is) you won't go through the same mistakes again as you did this time.

[robc]

Originally Posted by Peepers

I am distraught and am seeking advice. I have been divorced for two weeks. I did not want this, my husband did. We were together for 20 years, married for 10. He refused to go to therapy and all through the divorce process treated me as if I were his worst enemy. I have not cheated on him, do not have any addictions, and am not abusive.

His reasons for the divorce are flimsy - I criticised his mother's behavior at Thanksgiving two years ago, I did not nurture him enough when he had to undergo chemotherapy for cancer (100% curable type) 3 years ago ( I did have to go to work full time and I did feel that I cared for him greatly. But that doesn't count). Also, I do not like to have fun he says. I did not go to his family's house out of state for Christmas two years in a row.

Four years ago, his brother died suddenly at the age of 49. The next year is the year he got cancer. The year after that, his father died and so did his cousin. He said these events caused him to examine his life at mid-life (he is 47) and he decided he wanted something different.

In the spring he came home one day and said that he was tired of being the fat old guy at work. He is bipolar 2 and started self regulating his medications so that he could lose weight. He did lose weight but he also became very mean. He was always prone to tantrums and they seemed to become more severe. He was irritable all the time and didn't want to spend time with me.

Last summer he started going out with a group of friends from work. They would drink heavily and actually formed a 'club'. He would come home stumbling drunk. This caused friction between us. At the end of July, 2007, I suggested we separate for a little while since things were so stressful between us. He said no, he did not want to do that. We had so much history together that he did not want to give up on our relationship. He stated that he had hit rock bottom and would go get help with his drinking. Wonderful! That's just what I wanted. He never did get help. Two months later he announced he wanted a divorce and also exclaimed that he was having such a phenomenal time with his friends. I was never invited to meet these friends. Later, he told me another reason for the divorce was that I did not help him when he had his drinking problem.

I honestly did not think there was anyone else. That was some small comfort to me. Then, three weeks ago, I found out that not only is there someone else, he is living with her. She is 28 and is one of the crowd he went out drinking with. I am heart broken.

When this all started, I thought he would find that the bright shiny life he thought was out there for him really did not exist. I was wrong. He traded in living in a 100 year old bungalow witha 46 year old wife to living ina 3 story ultra modern luxury townhome with a 28 year old girlfriend. I feel like a fool.

For some reason, I still love him and feel protective of him. I am seeing a therapist. She has stated that he will regret his decision and that this new relationship very probably will not last. This does make me feel a little better for a little while. I do want him back. The therapist has seen both of us and has said that there is no reason for this divorce.

I should mention that he did have an affair when we had been living together for five years. I moved out. When I finally, truly didn't care about him anymore, that's when he came back. So I keep hope that he will return again.

Any advice or words of wisdom you could give me would be appreciated. Thank you.

I've seen that alot with people that have witnessed the death of close family members & friends. They get a revelation, life is short, "I'm wasting it where I am right now, I'm not getting what I need from the person I'm with and I don't think I will so I need to leave this relationship and find what I really want in life." Life has passed you by, you see how short it is and you think you don't have much time left and there is so much left undone.

This can be sad because it can ruin a relationship.
You sound like you still love him and no one is telling you that you have to stop loving him. But the divorce has happened and it's time to start moving on with your life, time to examine where you are right now and maybe you need to see that you can have something better in life as well.

[mattpd]

Have some fun!

Spoil yourself a little, take a holiday, take a course, make some new friends, focus on yourself, and forget about him for a while (as hard as that might be).

Not only will injecting your life with some positive things and emotions make you feel better, you will be more likely to win him back if thats what you want. He sounds like he got way too many problems anyway, I'm sure you can do better, but don't rush it.

The last thing you want to do is be Mrs Available, and do anything for him, and be totally submissive, I know that when i've broken up with girls before and they like do anything for me, or do anything to get me back, it makes me like them less.

Seriously, the guy sounds like a loser. I counted like 800 different issues he had, and you seem level headed, and smart, and fun. Your brain is more than likely releasing chemicals right now that cause you to miss him, and only think of his good points, and make your head fuzzy, but its all a trick really, and its not real. 2 weeks is such a short time.

Anyway, try and smile more, and enjoy life. Take up a secret passion, learn dancing, and enjoy!