My mom is annoying

[sonicpunk32]

She believes it's her duty to remind me of things I already know how to do, just because she expects people to remind her. For example, when I'm driving, every turn, she says "dont forget to use your blinker, because you're supposed to anyway" or when I forget to wash the dishes one time because I overslept, she reminds me at the end of the day to wash the dishes everyday for the next month. I swear if she saw me trip on a rock, she would then be instructing me on how to walk for the next 3 months. I dont think she's being overprotective or "she's a mom it's what mom's do" cause she does this to everybody else. But, they dont have to live with her. And when I mention to her to stop reminding me of things, she gets offended, and the next day, she's back to reminding me of things I've been doing for years.

I've dealt with her by ignoring her everytime she does it. But at times I cant take it and say it to her. But that never does anything really.

[The David]

Do you live with your mom? Are you under the age of 18? If neither of these are true, you should have the upper hand in the situation. Since she doesn't sound like a jerk, go easy on her, but assert your right to be respected. It is not her duty to continually accost you. I can sympathize with you because my mother does similar things and invokes the 'duty' cop-out. At the same time, we never really resolved most of our issues and I don't live near her, so my advice is limited.

[sonicpunk32]

Yeah. I live with her, and I'm 22. Problem is, she grew up in an environment where her parents were the law and you did not argue with them or talk back. She comes from a land where physical discipline is used on children for respect.

Everytime I have tried to talk to her or get her to stop doing these things in the past, she has thrown a fit. So, because I had to get along with her, I have kept my mouth shut to keep her from throwing a fit and wasting my time by making me stand there and listen to her talk (she wont allow me the freedom to walk away while she's talking) and lecture me like a broken record.

There are three areas where she does this. When it comes to my education, when it comes to church, and when it comes to talking back to her. When it comes to church, it is just inconceivable to her if I were to say "i do not want to go to church because I do not belive in christianity" so I'm forced to go with her to church and bible study every week for the past 12 years. I even have to pray with her everyday before she goes to sleep. It's part of the routine that she has, which keeps her world stable. If I were to object to any of these things, it would be throwing a rock into the pond and she would lose it. I have been working on moving out by the end of the year.

[pkeod]

The quickest way I discovered, when I lived at home, to avoid going to church was to actively convert others to any number of religions. The easiest way to do this is to speak in a way that sound like it's coming from their religion because chances are many of the people you would attempt to convert are not even really paying attention. I was asked to leave a church once because I was spreading positive practices of other faiths and... science! Religious people do not like learning about science

It sucks that your mom is like that, but go easy on her because your time together is limited. It sounds like your mom is an OK person too so you're lucky.

[brendannz]

3 paths I can think of to go for

1/ move out of home

2/ talk to her about it, how it's really making life difficult for you with her invading your space, and talking in a patronising manner

3/ accept it' that she just cares about you, and means no harm

I have the same problem with my mum. I'm 26, and live in London and she lives in New Zealand, she still finds a way to annoy me with basic pointless hinter hahah.. I've found it really difficult growing up with an overly attached mother but have had to just accept it, and live my own life as much as possible..

[Mjbrookerjr]

6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

I took that from "How to win friends and influence people".
If you were to ask me, don't talk back to her, you can get more flies with one drop of honey than you can a gallon of gull, sit her down, let her know how you feel, don't raise a voice, also, understand, you are her son, she loves you, she wants whats best for you, she may be offended, but let her understand and respect you, and also let her know you understand and respect her for the way she's treating you,but you don't like it, it offends you and makes you feel bad, also, you are living with her still, so until you move out, essentially you are stuck with that...In a sense, you haven't got much room, to yell/talk back to her, she's allowing you to live with her... I've asked my parents if I can stay with them for a bit, multiple times, and they told me I had to do it on my own, granted, it was tough, a struggle, but i've finally managed to do it on my own.... I'm not mad at my parents for it, if anything I thank them for treating me like that, I had to learn the hard way, and I'm glad I have. I've got the experience to help people out...

[Lauxa]

You are experiencing your mother as being controlling and annoying. This might be a good situation to use negative affirmations. Basically, when something negative comes up you counter the negative word with a not-positive word set. You probably spend a lot of time thinking of how annoying your mother is, so whenever those thoughts come up, counter them with how you wish your mother were being instead.

For instance, "My mother does not respect me." Visualize what your life would be like if your mother respected you. Also try to think of any counter-examples when your mother showed respect for you. Stay away from thinking about instances where she did not respect you.

Maybe some of these ring true for you:
- My mother is not nice to me.
- My mother does not trust me.
- My mother does not give me enough freedom.
- I do not enjoy my mother's company.
- I am not ready to move out.

Just make sure that what you want is at the end of the sentence and keep moving towards it.

[Dedekind]

You aren't by any chance Indian, are you? Just wondering, because Indian mothers are one of a kind in such things. After you have done everything they have told you, like get a few PhDs, the next thing they will moan about is why you haven't found a wife yet. They will never get off one's back.

This is more of a joke really, but still some element of truth in it

[Jarrod]

This is a good chance for you to learn about frustration and how not to be annoyed by people.

Everytime she says something that would annoy you, watch and see what thoughts occur in your head. Feel the emotions in your chest.

Notice if it is necessary for them to exist, if they give you happiness or take it away from you.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Dedekind

You aren't by any chance Indian, are you?

I was raised in africa, and so was my mom. There, they have physical discipline for children and kids must respect their parents by not talking back and not walking away when spoken to, at all times.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Jarrod

Feel the emotions in your chest.

Notice if it is necessary for them to exist, if they give you happiness or take it away from you.

I feel them, and they arent very good feelings. It feels like being controlled, being powerless, and being told that you are an idiot and need special instructions to do what everybody else can do.

[Jarrod]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

I feel them, and they arent very good feelings. It feels like being controlled, being powerless, and being told that you are an idiot and need special instructions to do what everybody else can do.

That is right on.

But if you can see them, then you are something other than them.

If you are not those feelings then you are separate from them and consequently you have all the freedom in the world.

The freer you get the more you hear what is really meant. Your understanding increases and what you should do becomes clearer. Pain is replaced by clarity.

[sonicpunk32]

If I could ask, what do you think, in your opinion, that I should do now, based on these feelings? If I am free from these feelings, why do they still make me feel bad?

[Jarrod]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

If I could ask, what do you think, in your opinion, that I should do now, based on these feelings? If I am free from these feelings, why do they still make me feel bad?

Just do what action feels most appropriate. Try to decide on this when you are feeling clearest.

What is it that feels bad? Is it you? Or something else?

What is it that sees that you are feeling bad?

I think right now you need some time to gain more experience. Watch the feelings that occur inside as you go through the hard times in life. Soon enough you will discover how to not feel bad even when you normally would.

[alexisricci]

It is probably one of the hardest things to do, live in existence with someone else whose actions are totally bugging you.

There is this universal law-law of attraction, which says 'whatever you think about, you bring about."

What are you focusing/thinking about your mother? Her annoying habits and reminders, her insecurities, her upbringing?

Are you seeing, feeling and getting a lot of results related to these thoughts? It appears you are.

What if you refocus your thoughts to see more of what you like about your mother, what you appreciate about your mother?

Easier said than done, right?

Not if you start with baby steps-take small things that your mom does do well (like make meals for you) and appreciate these. Feel your love and appreciation for her actions and words.

When you are working with something like her constant reminders about meaningless stuff (walking and driving), remember, YOU have the ability and power to either focus on what she is saying, or focusing on some other thought (like I wonder which new movie I'm going to see next). The more time you spend focusing and reminding yourself about the things your mom does or says that you like, the more you will attract this from her. The annoying bits will just drop off.

It takes repeated thoughts to make this change in your perspective and hence, a change in your mother. You can't change your mother but you can change your perspective about her.

Another tactic is to also Segment Intend. which is focusing on the result you want before you begin a certain action. So in your case, when your mom reminds you about church and going with her, your thoughts could be about what you want from this situation. You can't change your mom's intention to have you go to church with her, but you could decide to go (with a positive or neutral mindset) and think/focus on something else while you're there. (personal experience!)

Best of luck, it gets easier and you're supposed to have fun. Your mom is trying her best...she only knows from what she has been taught herself.

Gradually you can mention to your mother what you are doing-segment intending (you can do this for any activity in your day)...she may surprise you and start to play along. Anything is possible if you just allow it!

If you are feeling bad when thinking these thoughts, remember, you can stop them whenever you want. Your negative thoughts are just reminders that you, the bigger you, is focusing on something that is not in your interest. You are supposed to feel happy-life is about the joy. Your thoughts are negative and not supporting your joy and happiness-that's why they feel bad!

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

Yeah. I live with her, and I'm 22. Problem is, she grew up in an environment where her parents were the law and you did not argue with them or talk back. She comes from a land where physical discipline is used on children for respect.

Maybe the problem is that you're 22 and living with your Mom?

[ns123]

my mom does the same thing, and I don't live with her.

When she comes and visits she criticizes everything I do. She also gives me a very bad body image by telling me my skin is ruined, that I am too fat, and that I should do this and that and the other thing. And I don't live with her.

I'm happy about myself and my life, but when she comes, I allow her to make me feel horrible. Her words hurt, but only if I allow them to.

I recently realized that she did this because of some very limiting beliefs she holds. She thinks that judgement and criticism will make me better, push me to improve. Even though she annoys me, it comes from a place of love, the method sucks, but the intent is loving. There is no doubt that she loves me and is doing the best she knows how.

My advice, respond with love and compassion. When my mom said I was too fat and I looked pregnant (I have a 24" waist) I said, oh really? Well, I'm happy with my body. And I ignored her, but was not angry about it (even though later, I had to vent with to my husband). When she said I have too many wrinkles and said I should take care of my skin better, I said, thanks, but I'm happy with my skin. When she tells me I should fold the laundry, I say, "it's ok, it won't spoil with the keeping." and I smile. And I don't do what she says.

When she reminds you, tell her, "Thanks mom, but I'm doing it anyway." and smile. Or, you can say, "no thanks, I'm going to do this instead." Say it gently, smile, but send a clear message that you won't do it. She reminds you because she cares, and maybe she's holding on to the belief that when she stops reminding you, you won't need her anymore. Moms need to be needed.

Pray with her when she asks, because there will be a day where you can no longer share a prayer and you will miss it. There will be a day when she is gone and will no longer remind you to turn on your blinker, or do your laundry. And when you find yourself doing laundry without her reminders, it will break your heart and you will cry and long for those nagging days.

[evacorges]

I don't know what the problem is, really -- that's real mom-stuff she's doing!

Apparently she is not going to come to grips with the fact that you are an adult now until something drastic happens .

Drastic in the sense of your behaving like a grownup, your taking responsibility like a grownup and your having a grownup life.
Seeing how she has it bad, you will probably have to have a wife and babies before it starts to sink in

Just face it, you are not going to be able to change her at all. So grin and bear it and be grateful you have a mother who cares.
I can also recommend lots of loving smiles and 'I love you mom' about a 1000 times a day.
Your sense of humour will need to be your best friend. Just imagine yourself in a cartoon, saddled with a mom like yours! Thanks mom, without you right there next to me I would never have got my drivers' licence... See if you can't create a running joke to accompany her running commentary. Maybe something will dawn on her...

You are not powerless at all.
Step out of the victim trap Lynne Forrest: The Three Faces of Victim

I hope my 2c was of some small help - Good luck!

[sonicpunk32]

My intention, and plan for a while now, is to leave her, hopefully for good. I just need to find a steady source of income, and I'll be out of her life, and we can both begin our new lives (at least mine) in true peace.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by ns123

When she comes and visits she criticizes everything I do. She also gives me a very bad body image by telling me my skin is ruined, that I am too fat, and that I should do this and that and the other thing. And I don't live with her.

Ouch, ouch, ouch!

Reading your post practically made me shudder. I'm glad my parents aren't like that. I'd stop inviting them over if they were.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by evacorges

Seeing how she has it bad, you will probably have to have a wife and babies before it starts to sink in

I've thought of that, cause I've been secretly dating this girl for over a year. We plan on getting married in a couple years. My mom though, would probably be shocked by this, as the topic of girls has never once been discussed with her.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Reading your post practically made me shudder. I'm glad my parents aren't like that. I'd stop inviting them over if they were.

I know, right? I was thinking for a long while that maybe I should cut off contact with my family - because they are actually all like this. My dad, my mom, my brother, they all do this. And they are "just kidding" but it's not just kidding.

Then I realized that they don't do it to hurt me per se, they do it because they are hurt themselves. And they have to "cut me down" so they can feel better about themselves and their choices. It's really a cry for help.

My entire family really suffers from a very limiting belief, and when I realized that, I now have nothing compassion for them. It's very difficult to shed limiting beliefs, you have to choose so every second of every day.

So my solution is, choose to be loving and compassionate and don't reward them with an expected response when they try to activate the same limiting belief that I have. I either politely say, "thanks, but I disagree" and move on. Or I say, "thanks, but I'm joyous and happy about that" and move on. When they start to see it's not working, and they start to see that I'm actually having more fun in the process, maybe they will follow suit and stop saying it and have more fun themselves.

It's not an easy solution I've chosen. Some days I break down and want to smash something. I believe it will get better with time and practice. I do know that I don't want to cut them out of my life.

[Dan.Linehan]

That's great you can turn it around like that. Well played!

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Maybe the problem is that you're 22 and living with your Mom?

Yes that is mostly the problem. I've decided to work hard to get a stable source of income and move away.