"have a job and keep it for a year..." requirement before bf will marry me?

[VetTechJess]

My questions to y'all is...is this fair for him to ask or is it just a hoop he's trying to get me to jump thru?

I know in the past I havent been able to keep a job for a year. my last one I kept for almost a year (2 months short of a year) before they fired me.

My bf says I have to do this before he will even consider marrying me. I say it should be for better for worse, job or no job. Hell, he's already given me a "promise ring" this year. We will be together 4 years this October 16. WTF gives?!

[Angela]

Well, marriage equals financial partnership, so it makes sense that you'd want to make sure your partner is fiscally responsible and can pull her own weight. I think it would be pretty dumb to enter a marriage contract with someone you don't feel you can count on as a partner.

Perhaps there's another way you can demonstrate that you are up to snuff in this regard -- maybe you can brainstorm a few ways and ask him if he's got any other suggestions for what would satisfy him -- like showing that your income is above a certain level for a certain period of time, regardless of whether you have a job or not.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Jess,

All I can say is that I had a relationship with someone who continually lost jobs. Sometimes he couldn't even last a week in one. There was always a new scheme, something just around the corner and always a perfectly 'plausible reason' why it hadn't lasted.

It put such a strain on our relationship because i was on a low wage and although I did my best to support us both, there simply wasn't enough money to go round.

It was the main reason we split up. So I do understand your bf point of view. It can really hurt a relationship.

[jawillie]

Have you continually been pulling in an income? If not, I can see his point of view, as upsetting as that may be for you. I know "money" isn't the only way to support someone, but the truth is it often does take two incomes to keep a household running.

[VetTechJess]

oh I understand completely. I was fired from jobs not because I was incompetent in the usual way or always waiting for that fly by night millionaire overnight idea...

The usual reasons I was fired from my jobs was that I was considered "too slow" for the fast paced environment, or my recent one, which really hurt me, was because (and i swear on my life the owner actually said this to me) I "didn't fit in" and that I "didn't listen"

Keep in mind, I do listen, but I have never been able to fit in in all my life thruout school. I was the "class reject" for no other reason than I was the newcomer and considered an outsider to the close knit family of kids that had basically went to school together all their lives. This was from elementary school all thru middle school. High school I got some peace, because thankfully, I was just a number. I'm not making any excuses, but I do have adult ADD really really bad, which could be contributed to ppl thinking I don't listen. I do try my hardest though, even if it doesn't seem like it.

I don't want to take meds for it because I'm already on more than enough meds that I have trouble remembering to take them when I need to as it is without adding more to the equation.

I left the job I kept close to a year because of a dangerous working environment--I had exposure to the elements, no sink to wash my hands in after I went to the bathroom, no heat in the winter, no ac in the summer--I had to use my car--and the thing is--the building I was guarding had all that and more--we just weren't allowed access to it.

[Angela]

Jessica, I get what you're saying, that there are reasons and so on, and I don't think all that story is going to get you very far in convincing your boyfriend to marry you.

I think a far more effective approach would be to take on a way of being that has you being a desirable marriage partner for him. Do you know what the qualities of being a desirable marriage partner are, from the perspective of your boyfriend? Have you asked him?

[robc]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

My questions to y'all is...is this fair for him to ask or is it just a hoop he's trying to get me to jump thru?

I know in the past I havent been able to keep a job for a year. my last one I kept for almost a year (2 months short of a year) before they fired me.

My bf says I have to do this before he will even consider marrying me. I say it should be for better for worse, job or no job. Hell, he's already given me a "promise ring" this year. We will be together 4 years this October 16. WTF gives?!

You don't think it's fair for your bf to ask you to keep a job for more than a year. Maybe he wants to see if you can commit yourself to something long term, maybe he's trying to see how you can handle being committed to doing something regularly on a long term basis and how you can handle it.

You want him to marry you, I can tell that from your post.
But you think it's fair that he commit to you in a long term relationship and he should just have to trust you without any proof of your ability to commit to something substantial for the long term.

Maybe you don't have a track record of great commitment in his eyes.
Plus getting married requires money depending on whether or not you want a big ceremony, if you want to go on a decent honeymoon, want to purchase a home, have kids, purchase another vehicle, etc.

Plus why is it required that you get married? Can't you believe in his committment to you without a marriage certificate? How fair is that? I'm not against marriage but I see that people jump into marriage too easily without really taking into account what it's all about, how difficult it can be sometimes and the stresses it places on the people in the marriage.

Show your committment, show how serious you are about being married to him by showing how serious you are about being an adult and life in general. If you can show those things to him, maybe you will get less questioning from his end and more acceptance to the idea of getting married.

But then again, you're focused on "fair" instead of being focused on the real world. In the real world, people unfortunately have to pay bills, buy food, pay rent/mortgage and deal with everything else life throws at them. It may not be "fair" but that is life.

Maybe he wants to see how you can handle "real" life. Like holding a job even if you don't like it because you see that you have to pay expenses and support your family.

[Interpreneur]

Is this the same boyfriend who enjoys watching gay porn? I don't mean to jump off the subject here, but based on your own posts it seems your relationship has bigger issues than you keeping a job for 12 months.

If you keep a job for 12 months and 1 day, will he marry you then? I think this specific condition / demand is silly, and you should scratch the surface and get to the bottom of his real thoughts and feelings.

I know finances are important in a relationship, but in my humble opinion this looks like a time-buying excuse to me.

[ns123]

I once suggested to a friend a requirement like this before marriage. Her situation was the same, he could not hold a job for over 12 years. There were frequent periods where he had to move back in with his parents and live on their dole for months. Try about 4 times in the last 12 years.

The issue was not the job. The issue is being reliable and dependable. When a person can't hold a job for more than a year, it is sending the message they are unreliable.

What kind of message do you think your behavior so far has been sending to your man?

My friend's issue was that she didn't feel she could count on him. That's a huge trust issue. I think you and your man should have an open honest discussion about trust.

[VetTechJess]

Keep this in mind too: That while I toil away trading time for money, I am also currently working on a website (which is in my signature--please visit it) that is a way of making passive income. Its an SBI site, I started it on May 20 2008 and right as of now it is in the top 1% of websites with an alexa ranking of 794,086 and keeps getting lower and lower (or closer and closer) to the top. A month ago it was around 1,300,000+...and already my website has two pages in the top 30 search engine rankings in google. I put up adsense in the last two weeks on the medium dog breeds page, so that google adsense wouldn't disable my account due to inactivity, and already I have made around $1. that alone brings me up to around $12 (using whole numbers to make it easier) so not all is lost....

It's not like I am waiting and wishing on a star to win the lottery (though...winning the lottery WOULD be nice...but you get my point...)

I am actually making a conscious effort to make some passive income for me, which is better than nothing.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

I put up adsense in the last two weeks on the medium dog breeds page, so that google adsense wouldn't disable my account due to inactivity, and already I have made around $1. that alone brings me up to around $12 (using whole numbers to make it easier) so not all is lost....

Good luck with the website, but really those kinds of figures are no substitute for a regular job. And they would have to grow a LOT before they are a substitute for a job.

What does marriage mean to you and your boyfriend anyway? If the notion means something along these lines:

buy a new home; have children etc

well, all of these things cost money, and I think your boyfriend's concerns are valid unless he's so rich that the both of you can see you as a homemaker.

ANYWAY, I think that irrespective of your boyfriend, it's good for YOURSELF to try to learn to hold down a job (whatever the job may be). I know you have problems, but eventually you have to find a way to solve them, you know.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Interpreneur

Is this the same boyfriend who enjoys watching gay porn? I don't mean to jump off the subject here, but based on your own posts it seems your relationship has bigger issues than you keeping a job for 12 months.

Oh yeah, I read that post too ..... I kinda agree with Interpreneur .... Maybe you need to think about your relationship issues collectively, not in isolation.

[Acting Like Godot]

Afterthought - maybe he's gay / bisexual / undecided / unsure, and he's using your job thing as an excuse to put off marriage ....

[ellie]

I can see it from Jess's point of view. I see there's more to it, then just getting fired. In this day and age, if you're not fast enough your easily dispensable. I kind of have the same problem. I have however figured out what sort of field, work environment suits me, for my kind of person I am.

Once I pick things up I am really good, but I am very slow to start with. I'm suprised you have what sounds like still a positive attitude. If it was me I would be so stressed,become more self conscious/anxious wondering will anything ever fit and thinking things will never look up. So good on you!!!!

I personally think your partner is being unreasonable and I think if he's just demanding without actually helping you figure out ways to keep a job, then he's not very understanding. If he sat down with you and discussed why he thinks your not getting jobs, thoughts on ways you could go about keeping a job, what type of job would suit you etc then that would be a different story.

Still I would not be impressed by a guy that makes an ultimatum like that.

[silicon toad2000]

I think it is fair of your boyfriend to ask things of you before he agrees to marry you.
I think more to the point you need to seriously ask yourself if you feel he has his whole heart in it. If you keeping your job for a year or not is enough to tip the balance between yay or nay you need to be sure that you're both dedicated because while marriage is great and overall it makes life a lot easier to bear in the long run, it can be had work and you both need to be dedicated to working at it.
As someone else said, maybe he just isn't the marrying type and while he loves you with all his heart, he just cringes at the notion of being 'married'.
I would suggest giving him an out if it’s just the idea of marriage, maybe suggest to him that this might be the case and offer an alternative (I don’t know what available)

[The David]

I also support the time-buying theory. Seriously, he needs to do his part in the relationship before making any demands. Having a bad browser history is different from a bad job history.

[jaamkie]

It also depends on his personality- some people are fine with changing hobbys, jobs, locations, careers, friends often- they like the stimulation of something new. Other people really crave a dependable routine. Maybe he likes dating you for a more spontaneous approach to life, but worries about his ability to adapt day-to-day living with it, and is looking for a compromise, or some assurance you are capable of settling down for marriage?

Maybe you should both talk about what you expect from marriage- how your relationship/expectations would change, etc. Some people see marriage as formalizing a relationship but not really changing it; other people see it as a totally new life together- "settling down", changing activities and priorities in finances and career. Some people see it as a prerequisite to having children together- is this what marriage would mean to you both?