My marriage

[Holistic Star]

H and I talked last night and we have decided to go for couple counselling.

We still love each other and want to be together but things haven't been quite right now for a while. We're affectionate to each other and hug all the time, but we're more like friends than lovers. I think what has brought it to a head is that we have been talking about having children, but we have both realised that the relationship isn't quite right to bring children into at the moment. It's not that we argue, we hardly ever do, we just seem to be drifting apart.

H seems very down at the moment. He's lost interest in the things he enjoys. He can't play the sport he used to due to a knee problem. We've been to 3 music festivals this year which normally he would love but he felt bored and restless at them. He came back from a night out with friends at the weekend and said it was just 'same old same old'. He's not really interested in the PD stuff that I am into otherwise I would share it with him. My energy is depleted and I'm not feeling well at the moment and I'm sure it is related to the undercurrent in our relationship.

I feel quite positive about this next step. Even though I never thought we would have to do this, I'm glad we are facing up to it and sorting it out before it becomes a huge problem and we hate each other. H gave me a big hug before he left for work this morning and said he didn't want to throw our relationship away.

I know I am a therapist so have the tools to sort this out but my feeling is that it's not about me fixing him, but about having someone helps us understand each other better and I think a neutral outside person would be best. This is why I have selected an organisation I've not used before, rather than one of my therapist friends.

I've just called the company and left a message asking for an appointment. I was shaking as I dialled the number.

Not sure why I am posting this really, just think I need a bit of support and encouragement.

[Acting Like Godot]

I think you are taking all the right steps. I give you both a big hug.

*hugz*

[bloodsport]

Good luck with everything...the fact that the two of you are talking about it and are taking steps to make it work is very positive.

[Holistic Star]

Thanks I really needed that support and my hugs
I really appreciate it.

We have an appointment for Saturday morning. The lady who phoned back was really nice. It's a charity so the first appointment is £15 and then donation for any additional appointments thereafter. I asked what the recommended donation is and she said £40 covers their costs but they would never turn anyone away for relationship counselling due to lack of funds. I feel quite emotional that there is so many lovely people out there.

H phoned from work and sounds brighter today. We both agreed that it was a really positive thing for us to do.

Thanks again for listening. I really needed to share.

[Honeywith4bees]

Good luck with this Holistic Star ~ I will add you and H to my prayers today.

Wishing you loads of love . . .

[Walls]

Facing up to problems is really frightening, no matter how mature and prepared I am. Good for you; this is going to make things better, not worse.

[Angela]

You are taking on an inspiring way of being in the face of difficulty, you are power and grace and love and peace. It's not easy, but you are a deliberate generator of feeling good for yourself, for your husband and for the world -- and for us!

Thank you for being that.

[philm]

Holistic Star,

Hope it works out for you.

Originally Posted by Socrates

The hottest love, has the coldest end

Don't fear not being consumed by too hot a passion. Committed relationships will die when consumed by passion & feeling acting alone. Genuine friendship with wisdom is important imho.

Often its the little things we say & do & sometimes we just get busy in life & take our intimate partner & family for granted. Then the garden of love becomes neglected and without us knowing naturally starts withering away. I know thats what i did.

My marriage was probably saved only a few years back when i awoke to the increasing depth of feelings i really had for both my wife & child & did something about it - mostly in the little things. Quite naturally a second wave of romantic "honeymoonism" naturally eventually.

It can work out if you're both prepared to garden. Good luck.

all the best p : )

[Holistic Star]

Wow that was hard.

I was fine up until this morning. On the way to the appointment I suddenly realised I was feeling very stressed. I started having problems breathing (I'm asthmatic) and could just feel stress oozing through my body.

Hearing what my H had to say about me was hard. Although most of it wasn't new, it was still odd hearing him say it out loud to someone else. I found it really hard to articulate my thoughts, my mind just kept closing down. I've realised that in our relationship we use humour a lot to avoid dealing with real issues. As Angela has said on here. 'No-one is ever really joking.'

Afterwards H held my hand and said, lets just get on with today and we'll talk about it later. We've had a few cuddles and hugs today but not really spoken about what was discussed. I felt very shaky afterwards and had to sleep this afternoon.

I'm surprised how affected I have been by this. It's not like I haven't had emotional healing sessions before, but they have always been on my own. This has triggered something deep for me, although I'm not sure quite what it is.

[Angela]

Well, I'm joking all the time, but what I say is: "No one's ever really 'just kidding'"

It's interesting that you both have a habit of using humor to deflect intimacy. That's a great way to survive your old pain belief (like mine: "I am worthless" and "I am second-rate"). It has certainly been a strategy of mine.

Have you two identified your limiting beliefs about yourselves? This might be a really good time to look that square in the eye -- to really be present to what you've been believing about yourself (not what you've been believing about each other -- chances are you've been believing all sorts of things about each other, right?) You might be surprised to find out how your old pain beliefs complement one another, and you reactivate it in one another constantly. (Sometimes I think that's what marriage is for! ).

Earlier this year, my old belief and Danger Man's ("I don't count" and "I'm not ready") conflicted HARD. We really reactivated each other, and it came close to splitting us up. We worked through it, and have committed to watching out for doing that again, and it brought us much closer than we had been before.

Do you think that's possible for you and H? My heart is with you during this difficult time.

[philm]

Holistic Star,

Maybe all this is for a really good purpose.

The problem may not be the marriage as much as the habit games we play out. Marriage can become this comfort rock we stand on for our identities & habit patterns and when that's rocked our entire world is shaken.

You survived : )

[Holistic Star]

I'm finding it really therapeutic to keep updating on where we are.

I'm not very good at being vulnerable in front of others. One of my limiting beliefs must be that 'I can't make mistakes' so typing this deeply personal stuff is allowing me to be very vulnerable and admit to having problems!

H and I had a chat tonight, very relaxed and friendly. We've agreed that Monday nights will be the night we sit down together each week and work out what needs to be done in terms of chores, events, finances etc and divide those responsibilites between us. Thursday night is still our 'date night' where we go out and have fun together.

There's still more to work on. However, making a regular special time to talk about things before they become issues will be a good start for us.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

[Alison Jenkins]

Well done Holistic Star for taking a big step forward. You know what they say "you can't counsel yourself" however much you would like to! I know how vulnerable I felt when I realised this. Couples counselling is great as you really learn how to communicate.

All the best and it is great that you are both so committed

Alison

[mattpd]

Good luck.

You know focus on yourself for a while.

Don't be afraid to be a little selfish, and to spoil and reward yourself.

I find that focusing too much on fixing the relationship or your partner can actually have the opposite effect, but good on you for trying.

In my experience it works best when you become a better person, and improve yourself. I recommend a really good book called "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (Paperback)" by Nathaniel Branden.

Maybe take up a new hobby, get in touch with a forgotten passion, do something involved with relaxation, and enjoy the outdoors.

Good luck with everything, and hugs coming at you.

[Holistic Star]

Thanks Mattpd but the problem isn't my self-esteem, which is pretty healthy, or my needing a new hobby. I've got tonnes of interests and passions and am very able to spoil myself

The problem is that we have been spending too much time on our own interests for too long and not doing enough together or really talking together.

On the plus side, although we haven't been for any more counselling sessions, (there was a 2 month waiting list for futher appointments) things between us are good. We seem to be pulling through and are both happier.

Thanks for all your support guys.