Problems with my father

[Christian223]

Sooner or later i had to post this. I am asking for help with for my father.

Just now i had a discussion with him regarding his abuses with his own family, and it appears that i got him to try to change, im not really convinced since he allways twists things so that the only thing he has to do is apologize and not put the effort in changing his personality, but with the help of god he will change.

So, since me or my family dont know how to help him, i wanted to ask for guidance. Im sure that he has to do most of the work, meditating about his own behaviour and his inner problems, nobody else can do that for him, but maybe a little guidance will help him in his journey.

His problems where allways the same, he has cronic anger, he is angry and he doesnt even know why, he abused his children and wife emotionally, he is extremelly close minded, often he acts as beign the victim when i tell him that he miss-treats us, he doesnt have a relationship with his sons because whenever we try to get close to him he treats us like if we where his employees, or simply treats us as if we where stupid, or ignorants, he has extremelly little patience regarding everything as "obvious", in fact its allways safer to stay away from him in order to have a little peace, its not that he is violent but he has this way of acting towards others that is completelly un-apropiate, insulting, inconsiderate specially with his own family. I think that he has self-esteem problems, but i cant really be sure because i barelly know him, he doesnt speak much, so he doesnt know me and i dont really know him... and he is my real father wich i have known for 24 years...

If you have any kind of advice for him, i would really appreciate it, thanks in advance.

[Colm OReilly]

First off, I'm surprised that no one else has replied to this.

Anyway, here I go:

Christian,

I really do emphatise with you, I have a similiar situation with my father.

A big realisation that came to me as a result of workign with my coach was that my father wasn't ready or didn't want to change. You might be thinking that's insane, how could anyone want to be angry and have low self esteem?

Yes, on a purely intellectual level, people will always say they want to be happy, but looking around a lot of peopel aren't chosing happiness.

You get an emotional payoff from everything you do, even if it's self destructive. They're the emotions your father is used to. He's created the reality where he's not in control and lashes out and doesn't really know how to deal with people.

My father feels like a victim all the time, throws tantrums when things don't go his way and get's upset over minor things like the cat getting upstairs. He's frustrated because he feels powerless so he's lashing out trying to exert control (through the use of treats, guilt, mistreating your love) over his family.

Yeah, I'd love it if he could be happy, but I love him anyway. He sees me enjoying life yeet he doesn't want to share my beliefs or want help.

I'd advocate exercising some more compassion with him. Yes, there is most definitely a better way, but he doesn't know that, he's doing the best he can with what he knows right now. And if he doesn't want to learn, you can't force that. No matter how frustrating and upsetting it might be to you to see him self destruct.

What if you could love him for who he is, rather than for all he's not?

This has been very rambly, but I trust it helps,
Colm

[mattsonn]

Just like I said to Create, and along the lines of what Colm said, I think all you can do is be a source of strength to him.

[ahimel]

Be sure to protect yourself, too, though. Be as strong as you can for your Dad, and love him as much as you're able, but pull back when you need to. It doesn't help him at all if you end up falling down to his level.

Good luck, and God bless.

[Christian223]

Colm, mattson, ahimel, thanks a lot, those are very good advices.

Unconditial love is something i belive in, its just that its often hard, at least for me, when you grow up with someone like that you cant avoid to get some of it too, that makes sad, but im trying to overcome it.

I think you are right, the best i can do for him is beign strong, as much as i can, support him, love him, and stay away too because he hurts all of us, me, my brother, my mother, poor of her that she has to endure him the most, thats the worst of all...

Thanks again.

[Dating Specialist]

Hi Christian

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It can be so hard living with a father who's constantly angry and dispensing his unhappines on his entire family.

I know an article that talks about Managing Angry Emotions. Let me look for the link and I'll post for you.

In the meantime, not to apply any big skill or tactic, I wonder if you communicate with your father using a different mode may help to let him listen while at the same time not to interfere with his anger eruptions?

One example I can think of now is passing him notes.Maybe you can pass him a note everyday. It could be just some things you like to tell him, like "I love you Daddy" "Stay happy" "We still love you" "we're family" that sort of things, or to update him on your daily happenings (in school or work).

Maybe you can search for some quotes on love and write it down. Pass it to him on a daily basis, I'm sure he may be moved by your sincerity and most of all, your love for him.

You can write down quotes from the Bible too! After all, God is Love, isn't it?

All the best to you ... wishing you love, peace, joy and harmony...

hugs

[Christian223]

Thanks, those are great tips DatingSpecialist, im not used to show love, but i allready started doing something like that, showing him my support, beign kind with him, those are great advices, thanks a lot.

I wanted to share something he told me the other day:

"Did you see on the movies, when someone is paralized and someone else comes and shakes him and slaps him to get him out of that trance?, i think that sometimes thats just what we need to realize how wrong we are."

This came after a very tough discussion i had with him. This maybe related to catharsis, or something similar. We sometimes dont realize something until something we dont like happens to us, something that really makes us think about the way we are, and then we start to consiously want to change...

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Christian223

Thanks, those are great tips DatingSpecialist, im not used to show love, but i allready started doing something like that, showing him my support, beign kind with him, those are great advices, thanks a lot.

You're welcome Christian. I just hope it helps

Originally Posted by Christian223

I wanted to share something he told me the other day:

"Did you see on the movies, when someone is paralized and someone else comes and shakes him and slaps him to get him out of that trance?, i think that sometimes thats just what we need to realize how wrong we are."

This came after a very tough discussion i had with him. This maybe related to catharsis, or something similar. We sometimes dont realize something until something we dont like happens to us, something that really makes us think about the way we are, and then we start to consiously want to change...

Agree. It's like we don't learn to cherish someone or something until it's gone. Sad but true.

[C33]

I am so sorry you have to be hurt by your father s attitude.

It looks like he has been like this for a long time and that he won't change. Maybe he was badly treated and emotionally abused by his own parents and is unable to separate himself from what happened to him as a child.

In any case, you have made the decision that history will not repeat itself by trying to find a compassionate way to deal with him and open communication.

I endured years of emotional torture and of being unable to communicate with my father on a positive level, yet, in the end, I was able to tell him everything I wanted him to know before he died: mainly that I loved him yet did not approve of the way he treated me. Point. We both agreed upon the fact that we were very different and unable to understand one another s POW.In the end he did say that I was a good daughter. But it took the prospect of death for him to actually say it.

Some people do not know how to show love, even to their own children.Some people are willing to change, but for others, it s too late or too difficult. It is hard to accept the fact that one s parent will never act like a loving,compassionate person towards you.

If you can remove yourself from his hurtful attitude, it is great. It is wonderful to show compassion towards him, but your first responsibility is to yourself. Be your own great wonderful loving father and take good care,protect yourself from hurt. It is not because one is your parent that they have the right to treat you badly. You can respect your father, without respecting his attitude.

[Christian223]

Hi C33 thanks for replying.

My father was badly treated, he had no real family, he lived with his uncle´s family, he was mistreated there, he had to work from an early age, he had basically no support in his life, he told me that in order for him to go on in life he had to adopt an angry mindset to overcome everything, instead of beign sad and depressed he choosed to be angry and pro active, its really sad.

If i want to overcome what he couldnt i must start with forgiving him, trully helping and supporting him because thats what he didnt get from his family in his childhood, i think that in this way i can show him that there is a better option to hate and anger, wich is compassion and fogiveness, beign hurt in life is bad and i cant heal myself completelly if my father is not healed either, i want to make the effort to heal him too, so that we can both live the rest of our lifes more happily than before.

The really sad thing is that he really doesnt want to hurts us, but he allways does, he doesnt realize what he is doing because he has so many years of beign hurt, i would hate myself if i commit the same mistake than him, not realizing what i do to my loved ones (and i hate to say it but he has influenced me negatively and i do that too but in less quantities), so ill make a trully concious effort on beign sincere with myself, and forgive, and leave hate and anger aside.