Can't find anything to talk about.

[jsot]

There's this girl I kind of like and today (the first day of school) it seemed like she couldn't get enough of me. This morning at school I saw her and said "hi" and she ran up to me and hugged me. Later that day I was at a table doing work and she sat down next to me and tried to talk to me. But unfortunately I couldn't think up much to talk about so she left. A similar thing happened right after school where I was walking out of the buildings and we crossed paths. and just a few minutes ago she messaged me on MSN but once again I was at a loss for conversation. I don't know if she likes me or not but either way I don't want make it look like I don't like her or that I'm boring. What sort of things should I talk about next time this happens?

[Stu]

Have you considered that you might get her talking more? Try listening and asking intelligent questions.

[daredevil83]

The school is source of infinite number of topics. Lessons, teachers, schoolmates, exams, enrolment (recruitment)...

Do you have any passion? Something you're interested in? Although you might think, that your passion is boring, it doesnt't mean, it's boring for her.

Ask her about herself, about something that you want to know about her. Then maybe say her, what you think about it, or something. ("really? That's great!":-)).

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by jsot

There's this girl I kind of like and today (the first day of school) it seemed like she couldn't get enough of me. This morning at school I saw her and said "hi" and she ran up to me and hugged me. Later that day I was at a table doing work and she sat down next to me and tried to talk to me. But unfortunately I couldn't think up much to talk about so she left. A similar thing happened right after school where I was walking out of the buildings and we crossed paths. and just a few minutes ago she messaged me on MSN but once again I was at a loss for conversation. I don't know if she likes me or not but either way I don't want make it look like I don't like her or that I'm boring. What sort of things should I talk about next time this happens?

I think it's not that you have a lack of things to talk about, but you fear being percieved a certain way, or how you might come across. I.e. You want to be seen as not boring.

That's reasonable, but wouldn't you like to be seen as authentic instead? The latter, you align with love and yourself; the former, with fear and worry, and not the present moment.

Within the last year I've greatly increased my amount of social interaction from "not much at all" to "wow, I'm pretty busy!" Within that time I learned that you don't need to worry so much about what you say or take conversation so seriously. When you stop taking yourself so seriously, trying to project a certain image or adhere to standards of what you think you "should" do, you align more with authenticity and people respond in kind. When you align with what you think you "should" do, people respond in kind, too, often feeling kind of awkward--they might even get up and walk away eventually.

This isn't anything bad, it's just an external, objective reflection of your internal alignment. You can choose at any time to align with different internal qualities, such as authenticity, and reality will shift to match that.

In my experience, you will have more natural interaction with women when you aren't internally dodging thoughts of "oh, I don't want to come across like that" or "oh, I need to act cool." Realise that when you're interacting like that, you're not really interacting with the girl at all--you're interacting mostly with your internal fears "through" your interaction with a girl. People want to interact with you, not be a way for you to interact with your fear, even if you're doing it unconsciously without knowing it. But don't feel guilty; let it serve as an opportunity to have a more authentic interaction with people so you can better honour them.

Authenticity is simply giving yourself and the other person permission to be themselves. Amusingly, trying to be "cool" will often make you appear to be the very thing you're trying to avoid.

[Bruce Achterberg]

Bruce's rapid-fire trips and ideas:

[Edit: it should be "tips and ideas". I left the typo in there because I thought it was all too appropriate given what I talk about in this post--a humourous "wink" to where I am now in comparison to where I was. ]

Pauses
One of the biggest things I had issues with was this notion that if someone stopped speaking, I had to say something to "fill to space." Really, you don't have to do anything at all. When you get out of your head and into the moment, you (A) will probably realise that the other person might be thinking the same thing (at which point, sometimes the solution is to simply be there in the moment and let whatever wants to arise, arise; sometimes the solution is to align with people who resonate with you more), (B) will become aware that interaction is less about being perfect, and more about interaction. Focus on the mere joy of interacting with another person.

Usually in pauses these days I find most people smile at me, heh. People are just happy. Occasionally I encounter someone who might "fill the space", and that often can be very telling. In my experience, it means that the other person is experiencing something internal (i.e. desire) and perhaps resisting it, or they might be trying to live up to the notion of what they "should" do (which you can usually see pretty clearly). You can literally *see* when people switch from authenticity to internal fear-avoidance or resistance. Conversation goes from flowing and natural--and fun--to awkward and uncomfortable.

These days when I find myself in pauses, I tend to just sit there and enjoy being with the person and the moment. Feel the energy around you and enjoy it. No need to fill that space with anything, but you can if you want to.

I'm still challenged by "fill the space" situations, like recently when somebody was telling me about an accident they had been in and how they got shafted by the legal system. I honestly had *no* idea what to say, so I didn't say anything. It was awkward, but realise that sometimes you can be led to serving fear instead of aligning with authenticity. In those cases, just be present. If something needs to arise--something needs to be said--it will be. If not, just let it be.

Intense curiosity
I find it much easier to interact with people who I actually like and would like to interact more with, and learn more about. When interacting with these people I rarely run into issues about what to speak about. I might run into issues, such as thoughts of "oh, am I asking questions that are too personal" or "oh, I don't want to bother this person", but realise that people are able to navigate through such things themselves and they usually don't need you to do it for them.

With some people you'll be amazed at the new level of depth you reach when you talk about such things.

With others, you'll find they have a lot of fear and internal resistance, at which point it's up to you whether you want to help that person by helping them to align with authenticity--to acknowledge what is true for them, including whatever they resist and the fact that interaction doesn't have to be perfect--or about aligning yourself more with authenticity, at which point you may choose to interact with people who resonate with you.

Zan Perrion
This guy is great; I encourage you to check out these vids:

YouTube - Zan Perrion on the Secret of Women
YouTube - "Zan Perrion Presentations" - DVD Series (Preview)
YouTube - Meetings With Masters - Zan

(But don't make him into your relationship guru; he's just someone who's aligned with authenticity. It's not about methods or tricks, but about letting him inspire you to that alignment in yourself.)

Do it anyway
When I first went to Toastmasters as a guest as well as when I first joined, I was meeting and introducing myself, and being introduced to, many, many people. I had never done that before, mostly because I was focusing on improving and cultivating awareness in other areas of my life, and also because my previous peer interactions had been so extremely incompatible that I didn't have much social experience (although in retrospect, compatible interactions where available, I just didn't align with them because of fear of how I was perceived. I'm sure I missed out on lots of great opportunities there because of fear, but then the experienced served as a lesson for me--one I can now share with you).

I went through so many awkward introductions and conversations where I think I stumbled my way through, but I had to do it--I certainly wasn't going to run away, which seemed to be my only option--so I did it.

Eventually I learned what responses where more effective and how to best express certain ideas to certain people. I also learned that the majority of info out there about social advice is pretty much not really useful at all--most of it is fear-based, which isn't surprising, since my notion of what social interaction was came from fearful people.

So just get out there and do it, even if you're not perfect. People are very forgiving, and while you might get the odd strange look or awkward interaction, it doesn't really matter. Focus on the big picture of overall interactions. You want to do well in those interactions you actually care about, right? Well then you better start interacting now and focusing on what you can contribute to others instead of your fear of what might happen.

Join Toastmasters
Toastmasters is great. The #1 benefit Toastmasters gives me is that I get to interact with a group of people who resonate with me. Usually I'm surrounded by people who I call "detractors"--people who, regardless of what issues they have, tend to drag me down instead of inspire, empower, or uplift me. Toastmasters serves as a place where I can go and be me, and be encouraged to be more of me. It's not perfect, but it's certainly a step in the right direction. I courage you to go to a few local Toastmasters meetings as a guest and see if it's a step in the right direction for you, too. Don't focus on fear--focus on empowerment and how much more aligned you could be. While I may have various thoughts about a meeting afterwards, predominantly the feeling I have is "that was fun; I enjoyed that." That's enough for me.

Take responsibility
The following quotes and passages illustrate this point:

I hope your life is filled with people who bring you sunshine. We need to avoid toxic people as much as possible. On my 30-minute drive home from the disc golf course, I had a guy honk at me (it seemed like 15 seconds) for making a right turn into his lane. It was “my bad”…I didn’t realize that he was going about 60 MPH or that my Honda Civic wouldn’t have much zip on that upgrade. I should have been tuned into those things, but I wasn’t. But, it was obvious that he was in a big rush to get home to argue with his wife. So I didn’t dwell on the incident…for more than 60 seconds. He’s probably one of those toxic people that I’m thankful not to have in MY life. If you run into someone who pushes your buttons…that’s OK…you’re normal…just get over it quickly. And then hang out with the fun people in your life. And never take them for granted. They are a gift.
— John Kinde, Humor Power » Blog Archive » Friends and Laughter

“You’re the average of the five people you hang out with most.” I love that quote from Jack Canfield. [...]
You become the people you hang out with…and the people you hang out with become you!
— Humor Power » Blog Archive » Laughing With Friends

I love how the idea of "the people you hang out with become you!" gives you a sort of responsibility in that you have an impact on who you interact with, so you should choose wisely and intelligently because some people could genuinely benefit from interacting with you.

It also makes you mindful of what qualities you have, and how they may impact other people (so generally, you want to take responsibility with non-ideal qualities and align more with yourself). I think this is especially true for lightworker types (you may see my lightworker alignment coming through, in how focused more on taking my contribution to the world, whatever it is, seriously. I still take care of myself--that's part of taking your responsibility seriously.)

[Lauxa]

Do you have any classes together? If so ask if she wants to be study partners. She totally digs you, ask for her phone number. Call her. Ask her what she did over summer break, if she took any vacations. Talk about what you did over summer break. Ask what classes she is taking this year, if she is applying to colleges yet (I assume you are in high school), if she has a job. Ask her if she wants to go play minigolf together.

You can do it!

[Dedekind]

Meet her again on MSN and just write "I'm sorry I haven't talked much to you. It's not because I don't like you but because I'm shy." Or something like that. It's a start. Always easier to talk to someone to MSN. Just type it in and hit return! The rest will take care of itself.

[jsot]

Another question along these lines: I've tried talking to her online a couple of times and it seems like I always have to be the one to bring up a topic. Basically it's I say something, she responds, awkward silence for a couple of minutes before I think of something else to say. Does this mean she doesn't want to talk to me? Is there something I'm doing wrong?

[Stargirl]

She seems to try and then back off. It may not be a lack of interest.

Sometimes girls want you to take a step. They don't want to appear like they're trying too hard.