About a friendship

[patata3]

Hi everyone !

Here's my story. I'm 27 and I have this girl friend I've known for more than 10 years. she used to be the closest person I had on earth and I considered her my best friend. 3 years ago, I move to another country, and though we kept in contact, our relationship slightly faded. During these 3 years abroad, we both grew in very different directions.

After 3 years, I came back to my country and I saw her a few times, but it became apparent that we don't have much in common anymore. Our values, beliefs, interests, friends, are worlds apart. Each time I saw her, I came back home either bored to death, or angry because of an argument we had. What I find curious is that she doesn't seem to see the humongous gap that now sits between us. She keeps behaving like I'm her best friend.

For job reasons, I moved to another city, quite far from where she lives. I haven't called her since I arrived (10 days or so), and she left me a message on my phone earlier to ask for news. I answered shortly by email.

I'm really not too sure what to do about her. I can't resolve myself to call her and break bonds with her, and part of me still feels attached to her, and knows that she means well. But most of the time, I don't feel any connection to her anymore, and I realize that we don't share anything of value anymore either. Each time I come to her place, she has me fix her computer or other geeky stuff instead of sharing.

Letting the relationship fade away feels dishonest and unfair to her, but I don't know how to really "break up" or whether I even should...

What do you think?

[C33]

It's easy for someone who stays put not to see change in a friend who has widened his/her horizons.
Maybe your friend is truly naive :she doesn't notice you have changed and cannot understand your experience abroad...OR maybe your friend REFUSES to acknowledge your experience.

The way you feel about being with your friend is what counts. If you feel bored and not so great in her company, there is no point in keeping in touch for old times sake.

If you think your friend is open minded enough to understand that you have grown apart, maybe you can talk to her and tell her how you feel about the friendship. Given your situation, the less hurtful way would be to let the friendship slowly dwindle.

I recommend Steve's post: Are your friends an elevator or a cage.

The past 2 years, I have tried to hang onto friends who didn't understand or didn't want to see my true nature.
Now I refuse to associate with people who are not interested in the real me.

I am in the process of ending the last friendship that is causing me discomfort: it has become a place of reproaches, resentment and bad vibes. I wish I had had the guts to do it earlier.
I didn't want to hurt this person's feelings but, in the end, her attitude showed she didn't mind hurting mine.

It's time to put energy towards being with the right people for me, and not agonizing over the wrong ones. I intend to do this in a loving way, wishing her well and encouraging her to develop into the great person I have always seen in her.

I hope you get to fill your life with new, positive friendships that will inspire you and give you joy.

[eskimo]

Sometimes by letting go of their hand, we allow them to grow.

[patata3]

If you think your friend is open minded enough to understand that you have grown apart, maybe you can talk to her and tell her how you feel about the friendship. Given your situation, the less hurtful way would be to let the friendship slowly dwindle.

She might be open minded enough, but I just don't have the energy anymore to fight for this relationship. I have plenty of other friends I feel very happy with and understood by. Trying to get this one to work doesn't seem like a good idea considering that all the others work without any effort.

Part of me feel really bad about letting the relationship slowly dwindle. On the last message she left me, I can already feel that she's resentful I haven't called her. It doesn't seem fair to her to let it go like that.

On the other hand, I don't know if I will have the courage to call her and break things up. I could explain everything by email/letter, but I'm not sure it's a good way to handle this. I'm aware that there will be pain involve and that I can't really avoid it, but..

Now that I look back, this relationship has always been a toxic/abusive one. I've never faced up to her. She hasn't always treated me fairly or with respect, even though I'm not sure she's even aware of it. I know it would be a great victory for me to let her go over the phone. I'm just very scared of it, or how I will react.

I recommend Steve's post: Are your friends an elevator or a cage.

Thanks, I've read it. Very good post. Thanks also for the sharing of experience.

[C33]

It looks like you already know what to do.

Even though your friend was sometimes abusive and not-so-nice, you still feel bad about letting her go without an explanation. It goes to show you that you care more about her feelings than she cares about yours.

It is understandable that you do not even have the energy requested to deal with her over the phone: why don't you write her a short letter of closure?

When I had trouble with a long time friend that was giving me the creeps, even though she had always been my best friend in the world, I read the book: Emotional Vampires, and it helped me realized that she was feeding off me for validation and self-agrandizement. I agonized over this for a long time, but I know it was the right decision. I don't miss her at all.

If you go through a life transition and you are becoming the person you always wanted to be, changing for the better: some people whom you thought were your best friends will seem to be energy wasters and sometimes nuisance. They can't adapt to the new you and accept the better version of yourself.

Enjoy your great friends!

[patata3]

Thanks for the answers. I finally sent her an email. I told her that I cared about her but that I couldn't keep her in my life anymore and explained why. She hasn't answered and I don't think she will. It feels strange not having her in my life anymore. Part of me feels really relieved, and part of me wish I had some news from her. I guess it will take me time to fully let go of it.

In any case it's what felt honest, so it was the right decision.

[eskimo]

Nicely done, patata3! Cut the psychic cords now and you'll feel better.

[Love]

She's doesn't have to wonder anymore and you don't have to be attached. I think you did the right thing, patata.

[robc]

Originally Posted by patata3

Hi everyone !

Here's my story. I'm 27 and I have this girl friend I've known for more than 10 years. she used to be the closest person I had on earth and I considered her my best friend. 3 years ago, I move to another country, and though we kept in contact, our relationship slightly faded. During these 3 years abroad, we both grew in very different directions.

After 3 years, I came back to my country and I saw her a few times, but it became apparent that we don't have much in common anymore. Our values, beliefs, interests, friends, are worlds apart. Each time I saw her, I came back home either bored to death, or angry because of an argument we had. What I find curious is that she doesn't seem to see the humongous gap that now sits between us. She keeps behaving like I'm her best friend.

For job reasons, I moved to another city, quite far from where she lives. I haven't called her since I arrived (10 days or so), and she left me a message on my phone earlier to ask for news. I answered shortly by email.

I'm really not too sure what to do about her. I can't resolve myself to call her and break bonds with her, and part of me still feels attached to her, and knows that she means well. But most of the time, I don't feel any connection to her anymore, and I realize that we don't share anything of value anymore either. Each time I come to her place, she has me fix her computer or other geeky stuff instead of sharing.

Letting the relationship fade away feels dishonest and unfair to her, but I don't know how to really "break up" or whether I even should...

What do you think?

You moved away, new job, new places, you learned different things, you grew to adapt in a new environment, so you changed a bit. It's ok, nothing wrong with that.

You come back to realize that your friend is still the same person.

Can you allow this person to be who they are, as they are?

Maybe you have less in common now, you don't share the same ideas, opinions, etc. Big deal.

Why let a perfectly good friendship die because of that.

You said you've known for more than 10 years, considered her your best friend & closest friend on the earth.

You aren't romantically involved from what I read from your post. You're just friends, can't that exist anymore? What is it in you that needs you to eliminate her from your life entirely? Seems like a big jump to me from one side where you're the best friends on the planet to not even wanting to remain as acquaintances?!

Do you want something more from her?
If so, say so, come out & be honest about it.
Do you want a relationship that is more than just friendship and you aren't able to pursue it with her?

If you don't feel like fixing her computer, just say so. Tell her you're tired of doing that kind of work but you don't mind meeting to talk, share a meal, go for coffee, do an activity.

I've heard of breaking up with someone you're intimate with but breaking up with a friend just because you've changed is a little weird to me. Can't she still be your friend regardless of where you live? If you don't live nearby, you are limiting contact with her, isn't that enough for you - do you really want to tell her that you don't want to be her friend anymore?

Maybe I didn't understand your post and if so please correct me.