can a straight male watch gay porn and still be straight?

[VetTechJess]

hello all, its been awhile since I have visited.

I caught my boyfriend looking at gay porn movies online. It wouldn't really concern me if it was lesbian porn and straight porn is borderline...

what concerns me is atleast two of the videos he saw was guy on guy porn.

my boyfriend swears up and down that he is straight. Earlier he had left his email open and I was walking by and saw he had been chatting with gay guys. I messaged one of the gay guys on yahoo messenger and he told me that my bf told him that he was straight.

how I found out about the videos was the history. I came across it by accident, as I was looking in the history trying to find an old website I had accessed but forgot to bookmark months earlier.

I will briefly describe the videos--they were all of men having sex up the butt of each other. Again, he swears he didn't go there, but viewing history doesn't lie. He's already admitted to watching lesbian porn, but that doesn't bother me because most straight guys I know like lesbian porn.

I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't want to talk about it. I have tried reading articles on it to see why straight men would watch two guys having sex with each other. I can't seem to find much on the subject.

I have been with him over 3 years. It will be 4 years in October. The history also revealed one time that he went into a gay chatroom. again, website viewing history doesn't lie. I tried to talk to him about it and ask him but again he swears he didn't go in there and he swears he is straight.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Please help me!!!!!!!!!

[lasti]

"Straight" or "gay" are just labels. Nothing more.
The only problem I see is that he doesn't want to talk about it which means he's maybe not honest.

[Parthon]

Nups, he's definately gay now. Gay porn is particularly nasty because it launches gay particles straight into the brain through the eyes, anyone caught watching them will turn gay eventually. It might not happen immediately, but it will eventually happen. There's no hope for him now. The only thing left is to leave him to his new gayness and find someone straight who isn't infected.

Okay, sorry about all that, I'll be serious now.

Sexuality has to be one of the most confusing things for people on the planet, it's so varied and different from person to person that the only way most people can handle it is by labelling it - Gay/Straight/Bi/Whatever. I don't think this is an adequate way to measure it, and it will just lead to confusion and problems like what you are having.

Every person is unique in themselves and this includes their sexuality. Most people are hetrosexual, because this is the human's way to procreate and continue to exist, but lots of people are not. I've met people who are straight, gay and bi. I've met women who like looking at other women and their bodies, but won't take it any furthur. I know a few men that are bisexual for the same reason too, but they don't find man on man intimacy enjoyable. Even those that are hetrosexual still have various levels of enjoying or not enjoying the look of their own gender. I check out other guys occasionally, but in a non sexual manner. Even the ones that call themselves gay have various levels of affection for those of the opposite gender. Some like them, some don't. It's all very subjective and unique.

In your situation though, the best thing to do would be to let your boyfriend open up by creating a safe space for him where you won't judge or evaluate him and his views. He's probably uncomfortable about himself, but also curious at the same time, which will make it even harder for him. He's probably straight, especially if you have been going out for almost four years, but that doesn't mean he doesn't find homosexual intimacy interesting. Instead of asking him about it directly, which will just cause him to retreat, get to know him better without direct questions, share more intimate moments without an agenda, and just grow together as a couple. Before guys can share what's really important to them there needs to be a very high level of trust and emotional safety. If you really want to find out what's up with the gay stuff, you'll have to work on the overall relationship.

So after all that I would say: Yes, a guy can be completely straight and still watch gay porn.

[Spartan]

Is it possible that he accidently stumbled upon it? I know I've accidently stumbled upon material I don't want to see. Also, perhaps he was just curious. Perhaps he was bored and decided to see what it was about.

As for the chat rooms, perhaps he just wanted to meet different people to see what they were about.

[Trezker]

-Everyone is gay.
-I'm not.
-When you watch porn do you want the guy to be thin and have a really small penis?
-No I want to see a big...

There is no such thing as a 100% straight person.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Nups, he's definately gay now. Gay porn is particularly nasty because it launches gay particles straight into the brain through the eyes, anyone caught watching them will turn gay eventually. It might not happen immediately, but it will eventually happen. There's no hope for him now. The only thing left is to leave him to his new gayness and find someone straight who isn't infected.

OMG I nearly spat out my coffee when I read this - rolling on the floor laughing! You cheeky thing you

[silicon toad2000]

"going to church makes you a christian about as much as standing in a garage makes you a car" (sorry not sure who said that)

maybe it's a stereotype but I haven't met a gay guy that was rude and obnoxious for no real reason. It's probably not a bad idea chatting in the gay room, the rest of the rooms I used to visit in yahoo chat are full of, well, yahoo's (and not the good type). At least you get a conversation about something other than how much of a skank someone is and how someone else is sleeping with everyone else in the room (might just be the rooms I used to chat in)

Now that you bring it up, the mrs has been looking at me strangely when i watch animal planet, wonder what she's thinking im thinking. (kidding)

[Brutha]

He might thought for some reason (maybe a badly labeled video) that the video isn't about gay porn but other porn before he clicked on the link to the video.
He might have clicked on some banner ad that didn't really describe the content.
The browsing history doesn't tell you whether he watch the video to the end or whether he simply left it at the moment he knew what it was about.

[Squid]

I've been through this with my partner, you can feel free to message me about it privately if you wish.


To answer your question in short: yes, straight men can look at gay men but truly straight men do not usually do that. It is more likely your boyfriend is bicurious, bisexual, or "heteroflexible". If the possibility of any of these things bothers you and they are things you do not think you can reconcile with I would suggest ending the relationship and saving yourself any heartache.

Oh, and I don't really believe you stumbled on that looking for something to bookmark. That's actually the exact excuse I used to justify my own snooping and inevitable discovery.

It's confusing, yes. But honestly it's not the end of the world if you desire a long term relationship with this person. It sounds like he is afraid or unwilling to admit his curiosity, which is completely normal because there is a huge stigma attached to it. An accusing tone or an emotional outburst isn't going to make him more comfortable admitting whatever it is he is feeling so tread lightly.

Oh, and you should also expect him to start cleaning his cache.

[frajilthunder]

Originally Posted by Trezker

-When you watch porn do you want the guy to be thin and have a really small penis?

It makes me feel better about my average-sized penis when I see a small one in a porn flick.

Originally Posted by Trezker

There is no such thing as a 100% straight person.

I'd agree. If I was incarcerated, I'd probably be gay before I would be celibate for any length (tee hee) of time.

[The David]

Porn is kind of an alternate dimension. One where rape and incest are perfectly fine. I wouldn't worry too much about this incident.

[Squid]

She said he visited a gay chatroom. I think that shows that he's interested in more than just watching. I have seen some odd things on the Internet none of which caused me to seek out a chatroom or forum devoted to the subject.

[The David]

I apologize. That was pretty hard to miss.

If it happened as many times as you say, that is pretty hard to dismiss as accidental. If he did go there, then he isn't telling you the truth and you have the right to be upset at that. At the same time, he may be going through a lot right now and may not open up right away. However, if there is dishonesty involved, then you shouldn't have to put up with it for very long without getting straight answers (no pun intended).

As for your emotional state in the midst of all this, he very well may just be bicurious, maybe even bisexual, both of which you both could probably learn to adapt to. If he is one of these, he may not consider it a lie to say that he's straight. He may be more likely to open up if you stay calm and don't push too hard.

[Interpreneur]

He's probably just curious, but if gay porn turns him on and then he makes you happy, then you have nothing to complain about. Just don't marry him, because eventually he's going to come out of that closet screaming like a bat out of hell.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by The David

Porn is kind of an alternate dimension. One where rape and incest are perfectly fine. I wouldn't worry too much about this incident.

Actually, in the UK it's not fine, as violent porn is now illegal.

[Michael Chui]

To elaborate on what lasti said,

Where is the line between "gay" and "straight"? If you had seen lesbian porn, would you be a lesbian? If he had been watching two guys having sex with one woman, would he be gay? What if he and a buddy both had sex with you? Is that a "straight" thing or a "gay" thing? Would you be okay if he were "bisexual"? Is it his interest in men, or his disinterest in women, that you're afraid of?

If you dream up fears, you will realize them.

[ming]

We are heterosexual only by culture no by nature, sometimes people stick to their culture forever, sometimes people go beyond their culture and explore the unknown, as men are different from us women in that they ALL want to get laid at most times, there is no wonder why most of them do the politically correct thing for the breeding -marriage- and many of these go and stray with boys after boredom has overtaken their marriages.
Boys know better their own sexuality (if you know what I mean) and boys are not a threat to a marriage, a mistress is. They don't get pregnant either and they do it for money or pleasure they won't burden your marriage with the I love you/I hate you blackmail women use.

I still wonder WHY men have sex with us women when they surely can have the best sex life has to offer with their own kind. The Greeks knew better. The Romans knew better. Why we try to deny nature?

For Vet:
Your boyfriend is curious about gay sexuality, but he might not be confident enough yet to go for the whole shebang. He might no even try in his whole life but on thing is for certain: Being curious about somthing is the start of that something.

[marklang500]

Ming, your post is ridiculous.

We are heterosexual only by culture no by nature

That's not factual. Just because you said it as if it were factual doesn't make it so.

I still wonder WHY men have sex with us women when they surely can have the best sex life has to offer with their own kind. The Greeks knew better. The Romans knew better. Why we try to deny nature?

"Nature", as you say, drives men (that want sex all the time), to find someone to have sex with.

"Nature" would further mandate that men have sex with women. Any woman. Marriage would not exist. "Consentual Rape" would be commonplace, for lack of a better term (I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but that's a pretty good description of what I'm going for in this "nature" discussion).

Then comes along civilized society. Respect for marriage casts a societal disapproval on rape and adultry. Weak men that can't get any then look for other outlets for thier sexual desires. It isn't nature that drives men to be gay, it is society. (which is why homophobia is a justifiable condition)

they surely can have the best sex life has to offer with their own kind. The Greeks knew better. The Romans knew better.

This comment seems to indicate that gay sex is definatively better than staright sex. That is not something you can say definatively. And just because the Greeks or Romans did it doesn't mean they "knew better". Plus, there is more to sex than the sex. There is procreation, which brings a joy that you can't have from gay sex. The "best sex life has to offer" includes procreation.

Your boyfriend is curious about gay sexuality, but he might not be confident enough yet to go for the whole shebang. He might no even try in his whole life but on thing is for certain: Being curious about somthing is the start of that something.

That quote is loaded..

he might not be confident enough yet to go for the whole shebang

So, if he chooses not to experiment with a gay lifestyle, he isn't confident? I wouldn't say that. If anything, it is his confidence in his heterosexuality that would be faultering if he chooses to experiment with a gay lifestyle.

one thing is for certain: Being curious about somthing is the start of that something.

That's not at all "for certain". I remember reading about the "2 girls and a cup" porn clip that's on the web. I never saw it. Nor do I want to. I was lucky enough to read an article about it by someone that very eloquantly explained how once you see something like that, it never leaves your head. But after I started reading about what it was all about, I didn't stop reading because I did want to know the details. I was curious about what these girls did that was making such an uproar. I contemplated what would drive them to such a twisted state of mind. These things that they did are not natural, yet they have somehow developed a fixation. But MY curiousity has ZERO impact on MY desire to participate in such things.

Now, if I indulge my curiousity to the point of fixation, then it becomes "the start of something". It is up to each person to actively decide what rabbit hole to go down. How easy it would be to "surf life" and let our curiosities determine our actions and directions! Real strength comes from concious choice, not impulse.

What I dislike about your post is it makes it sound as though all you have to do is walk up to a rabbit hole and you've already gone down it. That mentality takes away peoples power to control thier own lives, via intentional living. If people buy into that, then they have all the excuses they will ever need to do whatever they have an impulse to do. And no, that's not a good thing. Impulse buying, for example, is a bad thing. It indicates that the advertising and marketing methods can have an effect on YOUR decision to not buy something, overturn that decision, and then you buy it.

Don't be an impulse buyer. THAT is what REAL confidence and strength is.

[jeff3]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Is it possible that he accidently stumbled upon it? I know I've accidently stumbled upon material I don't want to see. Also, perhaps he was just curious. Perhaps he was bored and decided to see what it was about.

As for the chat rooms, perhaps he just wanted to meet different people to see what they were about.

Yeah, be careful what you type in a search engine. If "safe search" is turned off and you type in "dog lover" you are in for a surprise.

[A.K.Light]

There could be any number of reasons that he did this besides being gay. If people found out about all the things we did while we were alone, we'd all be a little red in the face.

[missing]

Originally Posted by ming

I still wonder WHY men have sex with us women when they surely can have the best sex life has to offer with their own kind. The Greeks knew better. The Romans knew better. Why we try to deny nature?

it's simple really. Women turn me on and make me want to have sex. Men, um, don't, and in fact repel me from wanting to have sex. It's always been this way and I certainly didn't chose this condition. If I was bi-sexual I'd turn gay in a second. The rest of your post is so ludicrous I can't seriously reply, but thankfully marklang seems to have taken care of it.

[ming]

Know thyself.

[robertanthony]

He is obviously interested in gay men. If he did not like the porn then he would not go into the chat room. He might be too scared to tell you the truth....that he is bisexual or gay or considering it. The fact is that he has had a private chat with a gay man in a chatroom and he was not open about this with you. The gay man in the chat room knows more about your boyfriends interest than you do. You have to remember that in the real world deceipt does occur. The reason why straight men dont go into gay chat rooms is because it turns them OFF rather than ON.

If he is exploring then it will go in stages - watch porn - go to chat room - then arrange a sexual encounter.

If you really want to check if he's telling lies - read the book called Never Be Lied To Again by David Lieberman.

[marklang500]

If he is exploring then it will go in stages - watch porn - go to chat room - then arrange a sexual encounter.

This is too bad. I know you are probably right, because most people are weak, unconsious, and driven by thier emotions, urges, and impulses.

But I have to object, again, to the "matter of fact" nature of that type of comment. You've already drawn a conclusion that he will end up in a gay sexual encounter. That line of thinking actually ENCOURAGES people to blindly indulge their urges and impulses.

For a smart, strong, intentionally living person, I would contend that this is closer to reality:

If he is exploring then it will go in stages - watch porn - evaluate thyself - go to chat room - eveluate thyself - back up, slow down, engage in heterosexual activities - make a concious decision of the direction he wants his life to take - then weed out the habits that don't correlate with his choice, and develop new habits that do correlate with his choice.

That's a much better way to go. He may end up having to weed her out, if he chooses homosexuality, or bi-sexuality. But if he chooses heterosexuality, he must weed out the things that aren't heterosexual from his fixations.

Additionally, the advice you basically just gave her is to "give up now, because it is inevitable". That's not true. If she really loves him, and wants to be in a relationship with him, she will explore these things with him, and show him that choosing those activities is not a match to the life he is living with her. In a way, it is an ultimatum, but without the threat. He must figure it out, and stop hiding things. If he has to hide things, he isn't being true to her or himself.

The same goes for even hetersexual man who hide watching staight porn from thier spouse. If the spouse isn't into porn, then he is hiding a real part of who he is. That will eventually cause problems. When a wife gives the ultimatum, "its me or the porn", it sounds like a threat.

But in reality, it's just a logical statement:

"because I don't like porn, and you are my husband, if YOU watch porn you are acting outside the harmony of our relationship. Either I have to learn to like porn, or you have to learn to avoid porn. I can conclusivly say that I refuse to learn to like porn for the sake of this relationship, which puts the decision back into your court. I don't expect you to give up something that is important to you, so I wouldn't be surprised if you chose porn over me. But you must make the decision, porn or me? It's not a threat. It really does just boil down to this."

What more wives need to do is add to that with:

"I understand that if you choose me over the porn, we both have a difficult road ahead of us in weeding that out of our lives and finding a mutually beneficial, fullfilling sexual relationship. I won't judge you for this, and I'm willing to work with you in reaching that goal if you are willing to be completely honest about your urges with me."

Nothing is inevitable, unless you specifically choose it, or you are unconsiously living.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Watching a Yankees game doesn't make me a Yankees fan. Watching gay porn doesn't make someone gay. That is my view, at least.

[carenkh]

I don't think it's helpful at all to use labels - gay, straight, etc. If someone's watching gay porn, and going into chat rooms, more than likely they are intrigued and aroused by what they see. Why label it? If you look at it objectively, you're more likely to be able to deal with it. Is it actually being with another man that turns him on? Is it the sex acts themselves? Maybe he fantasizes about being penetrated - you can wear a strap-on, and provide that excitement for him. If you can stay with "what is" rather than labeling and judging, more honest communication will result.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

Watching a Yankees game doesn't make me a Yankees fan.

No, it makes you a Mets fan. (Badum.)

Also, marklang, please stop with the hypocrisy. You've made more "matter of fact" comments than anyone you've criticized in this thread. Holier-than-thou is not a valid argument.

[marklang500]

Also, marklang, please stop with the hypocrisy. You've made more "matter of fact" comments than anyone you've criticized in this thread. Holier-than-thou is not a valid argument.

"Hypocrosy" is a pretty loaded word. Like a silver bullet that somehow negates my points. Illegal in debate.

As for making "matter of fact" comments, it is OK to make matter of fact comments if it is a matter of fact. Like "the sky is blue". It is not OK to make matter of fact comments on things that are not proven as fact, such as Ming's comment "We are heterosexual only by culture no by nature".

Certainly that is not a matter of fact. I get very aggrivated at people spreading thier opinions as "fact". If you feel that I am guilty of doing that very thing, then please do call me out on it. I will either support my claim with proof or I will have to admit that it was merely my opinion. I can accept that. But you need to quote what you are objecting to.

I never made an "argument" out of "holier-than-thou"...I don't even know how one could do that...it doesn't make sense, really.

Calling me a "hypocrite" and "holier-than-thou" without citing is just empty slander. If that's how you want to debate my points, I'm not interested anymore. I'm not very good at calling people names to shift attention away from the points.

(by the way, my posts may come of heavy handed, but truely I don't mean to fight with anger. I just really enjoy a good debate. Keep it fair.)

[The David]

Originally Posted by marklang500

I get very aggrivated at people spreading thier opinions as "fact". If you feel that I am guilty of doing that very thing, then please do call me out on it.

You basically made the same claim as Ming, but reversed it.

It isn't nature that drives men to be gay, it is society. (which is why homophobia is a justifiable condition)

Correct me if I am wrong, but you claimed that homosexuality is the result of men not being able to 'get any'. Unless you have a source to support that claim, it is very opinionated.

[Dannyboy1]

Never ever ever ever. There is absolutely no reason for them to ever do this.