Advice for a naive 21 yr old - dealing with exes

[falcon]

I have no idea if this is an appropriate post to make (mods, please feel free to delete it, if it isn't) but, given that I'm something of a late bloomer, I was hoping one of you lovely people might be able to help me with a little bit of advice.

Namely, how do you deal with finding out about / seeing an ex-partner with someone new?
I've just entered a situation where I have to deal with it for the first time, and am not sure what to do.

Some background will probably help.
The guy in question was my first ever boyfriend. It wasn't a particularly happy relationship, but it lasted 18 months and I convinced myself I was in love with him (I blame reading too much romantic fiction as a teenager ). I eventually broke up with him because I wasn't happy and it was almost impossible to get him to spend any time with me.
It's now another 18 months on. I've been with my lovely new partner for almost a year and am much happier than I was before. (Although he is now moving to a different country for work - any advice on dealing with that also greatly appreciated!). For most of that time I didn't see my ex at all, but we have recently become friends again.
I've now found out that my ex is seeing someone new and, as much as I would never want to get back together with him, it hurts, and I don't know why or quite how to deal with it. I know the girl he's seeing through friends and she seems like a very nice person. I don't want my (somewhat irrational,) probably egotistical, angst to affect my friendship with my ex and make either of them feel bad.
Any advice greatly appreciated!

[zpivat]

My advice would be to post your question in what probably is the world's largest dating/relationship advice forum
eNotalone: Relationship advice forum

[toomuchtoabsorb]

Hi, while I can't really help you with your main issue; I sympathize with you regarding your boyfriend moving abroad.
My girlfriend moved to Holland at the end of summer, after merely two months of us seeing eachother.
Advice for making it work: Communicate! My girlfriend and I probably talk more over the phone than when we are face-to-face (you're supposed to use your mouths for better things then, after all).

[Scott]

Originally Posted by falcon

I have no idea if this is an appropriate post to make (mods, please feel free to delete it, if it isn't)...

falcon, your post is highly appropriate. Fear not!

Originally Posted by falcon

(Although he is now moving to a different country for work - any advice on dealing with that also greatly appreciated!)

Long-distance relationships are tricky. If you're both truly and honestly willing to make it work, though, then it will work. They say that time apart is a test of true love; if your bond weakens, then it was never meant to be. If, however, you spend months apart and feel closer to one another than you had before... well, without all the mushy stuff, you know what I'm getting at.

Originally Posted by falcon

I don't want my (somewhat irrational,) probably egotistical, angst to affect my friendship with my ex and make either of them feel bad.:

Try becoming closer with your ex's girlfriend. I mean to do this honestly, not for any nefarious purposes. Next time you have a "girl's night out", ask if she'd like to join you. By doing this, she will have a place in your life that's more than just "my ex's new girlfriend", and you will start to think of them both as two of your friends who just happen to be dating. Who knows... she may remain a friend to you even if she breaks it off with him.

The fact that you're currently dating someone should help any old flames from rekindling; unless your current boyfriend is only reminding you of your past relationship, in which case you've got a more pressing problem to deal with. Good luck with this; you have our support!

[falcon]

zpivat: thanks, I'll go take a look at that site

toomuchtoabsorb: thanks for the sympathy and the advice - it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through something like this.
My boy-friend and I currently 'speak' online twice a day and write each other letters. I'd like to try and add a phone call once or twice a week, but we're both rather quiet people without an awful lot to say! We've talked about him moving away and, as long as the good parts of the relationship out-weigh the bad, we're going to try and keep it going as long as possible, and hopefully he'll be back in the UK in a year or two.
Good luck to you and your girl-friend. I hope everything works out for you two!

[Scott]

Originally Posted by zpivat

My advice would be to post your question in what probably is the world's largest dating/relationship advice forum
eNotalone: Relationship advice forum

zpivat - While enotalone is a great site and would probably be able to offer falcon plenty of advice, she made the decision to post her questions here, so we should answer them to the best of our abilities. Besides, even if she already knew about the site, you don't always want your question to be seen by large amounts of people. How awkward would it be if her current or ex-boyfriend stumbled upon it?

With that said, posting the same thing in multiple forums isn't a crime, either.

[falcon]

Scott: thanks for your reply

Originally Posted by Scott

Long-distance relationships are tricky.

We're both trying to keep in touch as often as we can, and I'm going out to visit for a few weeks at Christmas, so hopefully...
At the moment, I'm mostly trying to keep believing and intending that whatever happens, it is the best thing for both of us, and hoping that the best thing is staying together. Whatever happens though, I'm very glad I got to be with him as long as I have, and I guess I just have to wait and see.

Originally Posted by Scott

Try becoming closer with your ex's girlfriend.

Ooh, I hadn't thought of that before. Will give it a try - at the very least I might get a new friend out of it

[Mark Lapierre]

I've been there falcon, and felt the same when someone I've fallen for falls for someone else. At at those times I didn't have the support of a girlfriend so I took it quite hard.

I've dealt with it poorly on a couple of occasions, by engaging in self-destructive activities and justifying it by telling myself that everyone else does it.

However my most recent ex found a new man around a month ago, and this time, just before going socialising with both of them, I made a conscious decision to focus on my desire for her to be happy, regardless of my own feelings. I expected to have a lot of difficulty maintaining that positive outlook but to my surprise I didn't experience any feelings of hurt or jealousy. I met her boyfriend and felt that he's a decent guy and I truly felt happy for them both.

Interestingly that same girl was also going out with a close friend of mine in the past, and at that point in time it was easier to deal with feelings of jealousy because I was good friends with both of them. So I agree with Scott's advice

[zpivat]

Originally Posted by Scott

zpivat - While enotalone is a great site and would probably be able to offer falcon plenty of advice, she made the decision to post her questions here, so we should answer them to the best of our abilities. Besides, even if she already knew about the site, you don't always want your question to be seen by large amounts of people. How awkward would it be if her current or ex-boyfriend stumbled upon it?

With that said, posting the same thing in multiple forums isn't a crime, either.

I know, I know....and I agree with you....but note that I said "MY advice would be...........etc", which means that I am about as clueless as her when it comes to this issue, and hence posting that URL is the least I could do to help . Other people are free to answer here of course

[Shaden]

Curious coincedence as I happen to be experiencing the same problem. Woah time for my background :P

Well actually this is slightly different because my problem is not knowing how to deal with my ex's new boyfriend, but instead my ex herself. She did a lot of bad things to me. Heres a list

- Dumped me six times in six months
- Kissed two other guys during our relationship, once when she was completely sober
- Accused me of only wanting her for sex - an odd accusation since I never talked about sex with her and am very much a virgin.
- Spent a week propositioning me. This culminated in one night where she said she would love to get back together with me. Yet the very next day she started dating someone I know and she didn't apologise for two days.

Now... I know the problem lies partly with myself and my inability to move on from ex-girlfriends. I'm currently working on that area and I'm coming on leaps and bounds which is great. The problem is, is that I don't know how to deal with her anymore. She wants us to remain friends and yet the difficulty with that is that I don't want to fall into the old habit of - split-up, friends, start dating, split-up etc. etc. I want to move on and find someone more... reliable. And pleasant.

Another thing - do you think it would be ok for me to harbour thoughts of detest for the above things she did to me. Or do you think that shows a weakness of character? I'm not exactly sure. It's tempting to go down the path of hatred but I don't want that at all really. Do you have any advice on how to forgive someone who did terrible things to you who still wants to be friends with you? (If that last sentence doesn't make sense, I do apologise)

Cheers in advance

[JKuehl]

First of all, you need to identify your feelings towards him, then let them go and release every bit of tension in your muscles.

It helped me, when i wrote every word down that came into my mind when thinking and focusing about my ex-girlfriend.

In my case, my friends over at hunatrainer.com bbs helped me alot - here is a link to the thread, it probably doesn´t make much sense to you if you are not into huna.

HunaTrainer Bulletin Board : Huna Forum :: View topic - Forgetting about Ex-Relationship

[toomuchtoabsorb]

Originally Posted by falcon

toomuchtoabsorb: thanks for the sympathy and the advice - it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through something like this.
My boy-friend and I currently 'speak' online twice a day and write each other letters. I'd like to try and add a phone call once or twice a week, but we're both rather quiet people without an awful lot to say! We've talked about him moving away and, as long as the good parts of the relationship out-weigh the bad, we're going to try and keep it going as long as possible, and hopefully he'll be back in the UK in a year or two.
Good luck to you and your girl-friend. I hope everything works out for you two!

Thanks for the kind words, falcon!
While we write lots of email to eachother, I've found that writing letters doesn't work for me. It's far too slow for me (and there's the risk of it getting lost, as well).
You might be surprised when you realize how much you will have to speak about when he leaves. You'll probably want to fill him in on just about anything, even though you're a silent person. At least, that was the case for me. I'm also very quiet, but I'm having the longest telephone conversations I've ever had together with her (you might want to watch out for the phone bill, though ), regularly.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by Shaden

- Dumped me six times in six months
- Kissed two other guys during our relationship, once when she was completely sober
- Accused me of only wanting her for sex - an odd accusation since I never talked about sex with her and am very much a virgin.
- Spent a week propositioning me. This culminated in one night where she said she would love to get back together with me. Yet the very next day she started dating someone I know and she didn't apologise for two days.

Shaden, I just have one thing to say (and I really do mean this in the nicest way possible)... Why do you still want anything to do with this girl?

I can totally understand your desire to remain friends, but at this point it sounds like she's just too immature for you. Don't go down the path of hatred, but make no attempt to become her best friend, at least until you can trust her.

With that said, breaking your ties with her may work to your advantage in another way. Women are attracted to a challenge; if you're chasing her and worshipping the ground she walks on, she has no (instinctual) reason to be faithful to you - you're not going anywhere, so she acts how she likes. But if you completely do a 180, one of two things is going to happen: Either she will do the same and you'll spend the rest of your lives mainly ignoring each other (not such a bad idea IMO), or if she really does have feelings for you, she'll come roaring back to you when she realizes that she's lost you. If this does happen, DO NOT cave in; she may like you, but she needs to regain your trust first. Good luck!

[Shaden]

Thanks for the advice Scott. The problem I was facing was that I couldn't see an alternative aside from the path of hatred. You've got a point though and you were very nice about her indeed. I'm sure some people would call her a lot worse then that lol.

I think fear was holding me back is all. Thanks for giving me a wake up call. More commonly know as a boot up the bum :P