I have issues...need help!

[NeedaNewStart]

I am going to try and make this short I know how tedious long messages can be. Anyway, I have major insecurity and jealousy issues and they are driving my fiance away he tells me he is at the brink and doesnt know if he can continue this way, which in turn makes me more insecure.

I have a hard time trusting him and hate when he hangs out with other girls, problem is most of his friends are girls. Its come to the point where when he doesnt answer his phone I immediately freak out. I kept telling myself that he has never given me a reason not to trust him, which was/is the case. I just read a few of his emails that went back and forth in May to some girl telling her how he was attracted to another woman, and doubting the proposal, etc..

We went to counselling in June and July and things were definitely better for a few months, but now I am right back to where I started even more so after reading those emails yesterday. I keep telling myself they happened in May and he was upset, etc.. It seems that we will be fine for a few months and then be right back to where we started. I keep thinking that he is talking about all the negative characteristics to his friends and eventually they are going to say to leave me. I just wonder why is he with me if theres all this negative.

To add to all the drama we are in a long distance relationship for another year until he graduates. I just cant help feeling like I am going to lose him, which in turn is making him want to leave.

[sidsavara]

I sympathize with the way you're feeling - it's really tough being in a long distance relationship. If you're engaged, I'm sure you both take it very seriously though. I don't know about those emails from May - that sounds like something you should definitely discuss with him if it makes you uncomfortable.

[bethie]

hey, it sounds like you are really struggling with this. While I can't relate to having a fiance, I can totally relate to you and your feelings of jealously, insecurity, and the fear of others telling your sig. o. to leave you. I am currently on a "break" with my bf of 4 years and this is one of the reasons a break was needed.

we have both felt that we were too dependent on each other so when we did hang out with other ppl (me usually with other guy friends, and him often with girls in the group) we would get super anxious and want to call/talk/yell at each other.

I commend you for going to counseling... and just from the impression I get from the average guy and their feelings towards counseling, it seems to show that he loves you a lot to go ahead and do this with you. And that is something that I think is really important.

I know for me, and I have no idea if this will work for you, but with my relationship which was semi-long distance, the things that made my bf appreciate me and want to be with me was when I found things I was truly excited about.

It wasn't always a new hobby or anything, but just another person or anything really... he just said that he appreciated seeing me interact with others and get excited about things and that was one of the things that was very attractive to him.

Now I know your situation is probably totally different than mine, and I know that you, like a lot of people, aleready have a ton of stuff to fill your time/do with your day, but try placing him slightly off of your "front-burner" and find something else to get excited about for a while. This may help him realize something new about you, or spark an old point of admiration he had and it will for sure be good for you.

I hope that things work out! Good luck, and make sure that you are happy! And remember that even with all of the negative there is a huge reason he loves you, maybe you just have to remind both him and yourself of this.

[The Cloud]

Perhaps you could admit to him how you feel, and ask him to tell you when he thinks you are being jealous or insecure. Of course, you have to be able to forgive him for telling you these things ! Ask him not to spare your feelings at all in doing this, because otherwise he is going to refrain for fear of hurting you. If your problem is fear of what he thinks of you, then ask him to tell you what he feels about you so that you don't have to guess.

For example, if he goes out with some girl friends and it makes you uncomfortable, tell him that you feel uncomfortable with it. Don't ask him to not go out with them, you can't enslave him to your feelings, just let him know that this is the way you feel. Admit that you are jealous, and that you expect him not to cater to your jealous feelings. Oh, I forgot that point. If you have a feeling that you know is irrational, then tell him about the feeling but don't try to force him to conform to it. Ask him to have the courage to not cater to your more irrational feelings.

The best part about this system is that it's all about truth. You don't have to lie, you don't have to hide, you don't have to be ashamed. You just have to tell the truth. These are just some ideas as to how you can go about it. Whatever you end up doing, be truthful about it.

[JimOfferman]

I have issues too! Wanna trade? Some of mine are a bit worn out though...

sorry, I'm in a bit of a silly mood today... or every day, really

On a more serious note, you should realize that those issues have nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. Here's a few things to ponder about:

1. Having doubts about your partner does not mean you are going to leave him or her. Everybody has doubts some times...
2. Everybody talks about the negative aspects of their relationship with their friends - keeps us all sane
3. If you keep telling someone you are afraid of loosing him, he might start to consider that getting lost is a good idea...

Spend your time loving him with al your heart.

[NeedaNewStart]

[QUOTE=The Cloud;225624]Perhaps you could admit to him how you feel, and ask him to tell you when he thinks you are being jealous or insecure. QUOTE]

Sad thing is we have done this and it doesnt seem to be working, it seems like its making it worse and making him think Im more needy. Today he said he doesnt think that I want to change for me, that I am only changing because I think he is going to leave. I tried explaining that, that is not the full truth that yes losing him is the present insecurity, but I hate feeling sick to my stomach when he doesnt answer or out with his friends. I just dont know how to change. I wish it was as easy as not picking up the phone or wanting to call every two mins.

Everybody talks about the negative aspects of their relationship with their friends - keeps us all sane
If you keep telling someone you are afraid of loosing him, he might start to consider that getting lost is a good idea...

I know he is going to talk to his friends and I hate that it tears me up inside. and the 3rd point is completely true and its happening.

I am just so afraid of losing everything, which makes me latch on harder.

[marklang500]

Stop!

You need to change your perspective. You are not going to lose everything. Everything would be if you die. You aren't going to die. In fact, by obsessing over the things you think you are going to lose, you've already lost more important things, like self-respect, confidence, and ability.

If you get those things back, you won't be afraid of losing the things you are worried about losing. Plus, you probably won't lose them.

You need the confidence of knowing you will be OK if you do lose him. That confidence will come across and then you won't lose him. DOn't be afrais he's going to find someone else. If he finds someone else, you wouldn't really want him, would you?

But don't pretend. You need to realize it, in reality. It's not a game. It is truth.

He's got you chasing so hard that you are screaming at him. Stop chasing! That's not a relationship.

The long distance thing comes with a heavy burden. You have basically committed your heart to a man in another city who is out there living life without you. You need to get out there and live life without him. Not cheating, but living life. There's nothing wrong with that. If you weren't dating him yet, what would he see you doing every day that would attract him? Being confident, living life, going out with friends, not being possesive, staying cool. When you come together on the phone, you will come across as that person and he will see the girl he saw before. But it must be real. If you make it real, I mean REALLY real, then it won't matter if you do lose him. But you probably wont. So it's a win-win situation if you can just start living again.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by NeedaNewStart

Sad thing is we have done this and it doesnt seem to be working, it seems like its making it worse and making him think Im more needy. Today he said he doesnt think that I want to change for me, that I am only changing because I think he is going to leave. I tried explaining that, that is not the full truth that yes losing him is the present insecurity, but I hate feeling sick to my stomach when he doesnt answer or out with his friends. I just dont know how to change. I wish it was as easy as not picking up the phone or wanting to call every two mins.

Hmm, I would suggest giving serious thought as to whether or not you should stay together, and maybe discuss it with him. You're terrified of losing him, and until you accept the possibility that you will you're going to be franticly jealous. You might lose him. You might even give him up. You may have to make the decision that you are not ready for the level of involvement that you are attempting, and that it's time to part ways for a while. I'm not going to suggest what course of action you should take, but it's obvious that something has to change because you are unhappy with the way you are. Regardless, you are going to lose him eventually anyways. He may die, divorce, or break off the marriage and go to live in Tibet. A relationship should be a positive thing, and the fact that it's not shows that change needs to be considered, and you may have to do something drastic. Or maybe not. Your life, your choice.

[25AndJustBeginning]

I struggle w/ the same exact things you do too. The quotes that I've selected are the main points that I try to remind myself of.

Originally Posted by bethie

...try placing him slightly off of your "front-burner" and find something else to get excited about for a while.

Yes, take him off your front burner... just to prove to yourself you can do it. I have a tendency to regard my g/f as the most important thing in my life- above work, above friends, above my own well-being even. It won't work like that. Just like Angela told me once, learn to love your own life. Once you do that you'll see him in a different light. You'll feel more attracted to him rather than anxious about him. Try focusing on things that you want and that make your life better for you just a couple times a day every day.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

On a more serious note, you should realize that those issues have nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

Jim's right. These issues have nothing to do w/ him; how you respond to life's events are your problem alone. And again, I struggle w/ this too. I tell myself that it's because she does this that I feel a certain way. But that's not how it works. If so, everybody would always be anxious and insecure. Would you agree that you know of people that have no problem w/ their b/f (or g/f) hanging out w/ girls (or guys)? It's because they choose to trust him/her. Rather than thinking about what he's not doing to make you feel secure, ask yourself what you can do to improve the situation and trust him.

Originally Posted by marklang500

You need the confidence of knowing you will be OK if you do lose him.

If he finds someone else, you wouldn't really want him, would you?

Lastly, yes, realize that you are in a relationship to benefit yourself. Really. That's all it comes down to. I like positive things like affection and company, etc. so I choose to be in a relationship for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't only think about receiving. In fact, try focusing on what you're giving him rather than what you're getting (or not getting) from him that "leaves you feeling" insecure. But if it doesn't work after that, then realize that it's not good for you and move on. Have the confidence that you are good enough and that you can find one of the $hit-ton of fish in the sea. Don't make him your whole world. That's like betting everything you have on something you can't control because ultimately, no matter how badly you want security from him, you can't force him to give it to you. Besides, if he does choose to be w/ someone else, then why would you want to be w/ him??? Again, you can't force someone to be w/ you. I know it's difficult to get used to but it will never work - in any situation - unless the person makes the choices for his/herself. Otherwise, it's just not genuine.

Good luck & remember that you're not the only person that struggles w/ these things (I try to remind myself of all of this at precisely the moment I need to hear it). Just breathe whenever you're feeling insecure; you're gonna be ok.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by NeedaNewStart

I am going to try and make this short I know how tedious long messages can be. Anyway, I have major insecurity and jealousy issues and they are driving my fiance away he tells me he is at the brink and doesnt know if he can continue this way, which in turn makes me more insecure.

I have a hard time trusting him and hate when he hangs out with other girls, problem is most of his friends are girls. Its come to the point where when he doesnt answer his phone I immediately freak out. I kept telling myself that he has never given me a reason not to trust him, which was/is the case. I just read a few of his emails that went back and forth in May to some girl telling her how he was attracted to another woman, and doubting the proposal, etc..

We went to counselling in June and July and things were definitely better for a few months, but now I am right back to where I started even more so after reading those emails yesterday. I keep telling myself they happened in May and he was upset, etc.. It seems that we will be fine for a few months and then be right back to where we started. I keep thinking that he is talking about all the negative characteristics to his friends and eventually they are going to say to leave me. I just wonder why is he with me if theres all this negative.

To add to all the drama we are in a long distance relationship for another year until he graduates. I just cant help feeling like I am going to lose him, which in turn is making him want to leave.

Keep us posted, eh??

[ar81]

Feeling jealous must have been caused by an experience in your childhood.
Were you detached from your mom in your first years of life? Were you displaced by a younger brother? Perhaps were you away from your mother for some time when you were a kid?

In adult life you can't control someone 24 hours a day.
If that person loves you, that person will stay.
If love becomes poisoned by ugly feelings, it is better fro both to leave.
My bet is that you are so jealous that you are incapable of loving your fiancee.

Fear of detachment is likely to detach you.
Unless you learn to separate that early childhood experience and your current reality, your relationship will certainly have no future.

Once you do not fear detachment, you have freedom and then you can love and improve your life and the life of your couple.

Do you need because you love, or do you love because you need?
Marriage is not the solution to your insecurity.
It is not the solution to your unhappiness.
If you are not happy and you fear, you won't be able to grow and your couple will not be able to grow either, and that's the best formula for divorce.
If you have a fiancee, you have little time to defeat your irrational fears.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear. - Dune, by Frank Herbert

If the relationship ends (which is possible like anything in life) you must embrace it just like you would embrace relationship.
Certainly you need to separate that early childhood feeling from your reality, and that means to learn about being detached.
Attaching is a good formula for suffering. It is not love.
Unless you learn detachment, you won't be able to truly love.

[NeedaNewStart]

Keep us posted, eh??

Well this weekend was good he is going back to school on Monday so it was our last weekend together before he is away for a few months. So I tried to tone the "crazy" down in hopes of having a good weekend.

As for now I just keep trying to tell myself that he is going to talk to his friends I am just trying to not let it bother me. I still having trouble not immediately being sick when he doesnt answer his phone. I can tell myself that he is sleeping over and over, but I still get sick. I know I cant control him nor would I want to be controlled myself so I can see how he wouldnt like being questioned every two seconds.

Yes, take him off your front burner... just to prove to yourself you can do it.

My fears are so irrational that I feel that if I do this that he will back off even more. I know it doesnt make sense...

I just keep asking if we are going to be "ok" and his response always is "yes, but we need to work through some things". Why cant I just get a yes? Is that too hard to ask for a little reassurance without a "but" or "however"? Or I am just reading into everything again? UGH lol...

Were you detached from your mom in your first years of life? Were you displaced by a younger brother? Perhaps were you away from your mother for some time when you were a kid?

My first boyfriend cheated on me when I was 15 with my best friend. Much of my trust and insecurity issues stem from this I believe. Seeing as this insecurity and jealousy has affected most of my relationships or at least the ones I cared about. I have an appt with a counselor to try and tackle this problem, I guess I just wish it were a light switch and be able to fix this right away

[Angela]

So, if your relationship were humming along, exactly as you wish it to go, both of you satisfied and fulfilled, what quality or condition would be present -- in other words, what would you be Being? Not what he would have to be before you'll be happy -- I mean what would YOU be being, if things were going swimmingly?

(By the way, 25andJustBeginning -- awesome, compassionate, loving advice!)

[NeedaNewStart]

So, if your relationship were humming along, exactly as you wish it to go, both of you satisfied and fulfilled, what quality or condition would be present -- in other words, what would you be Being? Not what he would have to be before you'll be happy -- I mean what would YOU be being, if things were going swimmingly?

I would be trusting I wouldnt flip out the second he didnt answer the phone. I wouldnt be reading into everything he said or thinking he was always out to hurt me. I wouldnt care if he went out with friends because I would trust him. I would be content and not worrying about him leaving me. I would be confident, secure, and loving.

I hope that answers the question.

[lasti]

Would you say you have "just" trust problems?
Or would you say the origin of this problem is that you're afraid to lose him?

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by marklang500

Stop!

You need to change your perspective. You are not going to lose everything. Everything would be if you die. You aren't going to die. In fact, by obsessing over the things you think you are going to lose, you've already lost more important things, like self-respect, confidence, and ability.

If you get those things back, you won't be afraid of losing the things you are worried about losing. Plus, you probably won't lose them.

You need the confidence of knowing you will be OK if you do lose him. That confidence will come across and then you won't lose him. DOn't be afrais he's going to find someone else. If he finds someone else, you wouldn't really want him, would you?

But don't pretend. You need to realize it, in reality. It's not a game. It is truth.

He's got you chasing so hard that you are screaming at him. Stop chasing! That's not a relationship.

The long distance thing comes with a heavy burden. You have basically committed your heart to a man in another city who is out there living life without you. You need to get out there and live life without him. Not cheating, but living life. There's nothing wrong with that. If you weren't dating him yet, what would he see you doing every day that would attract him? Being confident, living life, going out with friends, not being possesive, staying cool. When you come together on the phone, you will come across as that person and he will see the girl he saw before. But it must be real. If you make it real, I mean REALLY real, then it won't matter if you do lose him. But you probably wont. So it's a win-win situation if you can just start living again.

I second this! Listen to mark; it is a win-win.

In addition to this, I would advice you to be frank with him about your wants. If it were me -and I've done this in one way or another- I would tell him something along the lines of: "If you ever develop feelings for somebody else, please be honest with me and we'll break it off. You're free to be who you are, and by being with me I understand that its what you truly want. If its not, all I ask of you is to let me know immediately (even if it hurts). As long as you keep me "in the know", I'll know that you respect me and my right to have the relationship I want and deserve. I'll do the same for you. This is the *most* important thing." blah blah blah

I hope you catch my drift. By letting him know exactly what you expect (respect and honesty), and hearing him agree, there's nothing left to do but trust that he has a speck of decency and love in his heart. And you know he does. You couldn't love him if he didn't, now could you?

[ar81]

Originally Posted by NeedaNewStart

My first boyfriend cheated on me when I was 15 with my best friend. Much of my trust and insecurity issues stem from this I believe. Seeing as this insecurity and jealousy has affected most of my relationships or at least the ones I cared about. I have an appt with a counselor to try and tackle this problem, I guess I just wish it were a light switch and be able to fix this right away

I have found that the first relationship of people use to determine the image of relationship you have for other relationships.

If someone cheated on you, you should not blame yourself. I was cheated too by my fiance about 10 years ago. You use to blame yourself until you understand that those who cheat have a serious problem of ethics. But their ethics is their problem, not yours.

You are worthy of good people, worthy of love. But if you blame yourself you may think you are less, that you do not deserve what you have. Basically your selfesteem is crushed and you feel fear and jealousy.

I learned that when you even look for a relationship, you are taking a risk. The question is if you are ready to go all the way. It may work, of it may not work. And you may need to accept it and detach from results.

The good think about detachment is that you are not attached to your couple, and therefore you learn to love. You stay because you love, not because you need.

Marriage is like a plane trip. You need a reliable copilot, someone who can support you when you can't pilot, but in the end you are the pilot of your life. You won't stay in the plane begging your copilot not to bail out. You just fly and enjoy the company. The goal of having someone else is to grow together and both have personal development thanks to each other. If it is not happening, there is something really wrong.

I know the pain of being cheated. But it does not show your worth, just the blindness of someone with ethical problems who could not see your worth. You are very worthy, and do not let anyone to convince you of the opposite.

And you have in me someone who wants you to be fine. I am sure you will honor that expectation of mine. So no matter how dark things seem, you will know that someone wants you to be fine.

Attachment does not let you love. Detachment gives freedom to stay or leave, but you stay because you love. You have not learned to love, because you still feel attachment.

Attachment could have come from early childhood, when your mom left you alone for a certain period of time. So do not mix past and present.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by NeedaNewStart

I would be trusting I wouldnt flip out the second he didnt answer the phone. I wouldnt be reading into everything he said or thinking he was always out to hurt me. I wouldnt care if he went out with friends because I would trust him. I would be content and not worrying about him leaving me. I would be confident, secure, and loving.

I hope that answers the question.

Perhaps you can't be confident, secure, and loving without being able to be the opposite. By denying yourself the ability to be unconfident, insecure, and hateful you may be denying yourself their opposites as well. All ideas come as a package, always with at least two parts. If you deny yourself hate, you deny love. If you deny yourself sadness, you deny happiness. I'm not saying that you have to feel these things, but you have to be able to allow yourself to, for without one you lose both. You feel jealous, but maybe you're fighting it trying to convince yourself that it isn't there, or that it shouldn't be there and you NEED to get rid of it. But your jealousy just proves your capacity for its opposite (not sure exactly what it would be). If you're going to divide the world into right and wrong, you will always need wrong to prove that there is right. Once you allow yourself both, then you will have a choice. Your faults are as worthy of love as the rest of you, and you can stop hating yourself for them if you want.