Can't Relate To Other Men

[JPX]

I am a 37 year old male who can't relate to other males. All my friends are and have always been women.

This has created problems for me on several levels. I was married for a while and had problems with my wife because I didn't want to hang out with her brothers or male relatives. I would always hang out in the kitchen with the women. Even though I am not gay by any means, I have always behaved like "one of the girls".

As I have gotten older, most of my female friends have married, and that has created friction, either in our friendship, or in their marriage.

I have tried changing. I have tried socializing with other men, but I just can't relate. Even if we have the same interests, I find it very difficult to hold a conversation with a man.

I love baseball, and my friend Deanna had been trying to get me to go to a major league baseball game with her husband for years, so we finally went yesterday. It was a 3 hour drive to the park, a 3 1/2 hour game, and 3 hour drive back. Counting lunch, dinner, and wait times, we spent nearly 12 hours together (just him and I), and it was probably the most awkward day of my life. At one point on the drive back we spent over an hour without saying a word.

After this experience I am wondering if I should be trying to change this at all. I can talk to other men in a work environment or when I have to, just not on a social setting. I am happy talking to women in a platonic way. I relate to their lives, they think I'm funny, and we have a great time together. But with men it's the complete opposite.

I don't even like talking to men through a customer service line. Most of the time I hang up and call again to see if I get a woman. That might sound a little whacky, but it's who I am.

At this stage of my life I feel like if I keep trying to change this, I will only be fooling myself. I am a regular guy in every other aspect. I am messy, I love sports, and I am attracted to women. I guess I am so attracted to women I have never wanted to spend any time with men.

Is this some type of mental disorder? Has any one else gone through this? Would you consider me weird?

[Brutha]

Would you consider me weird?

Is that your fear?
I think that there are a lot of people in this forum who are a lot more weird than that in societies standards.

[Ceros]

Perhaps your problem is that you create a barrier between "men" and "women"? A sort of "us" and "them" mentality which prevents you from relating to one of the groups.

You could say that I'm a bit dense when it comes to gender - most of the time I don't even acknowledge that there is a difference between men and women. But because of that I'm able to relate to them equally.

When I see a person, I don't see a "man" or a "woman", all I see is a "container of information" and the point of the conversation becomes a game where I have to fish out as much of that information as possible.

Ever since acquiring this mindset, social situations became amazingly rewarding and fun. It's the first time in years that I actually enjoy talking to new people.

In this regard, why do you feel that you need to relate to them? As long as the conversation can serve its purpose (ie entertainment, companionship, information) then there is no need to "relate" to anything.

[Anand Dhillon]

If you don't want to relate to other men, then there is really no problem here.

On the other hand, if you do want to be able to relate to other men, I think the issue is lack of experience. If you haven't been relating to men for 37 years, you need practice to get comfortable with it and recondition yourself.

Start small and simply push through any awkwardness as best you can. It might take a few months and you might realize that you really enjoy relating with men. On the other hand, you might find that you don't enjoy relating with men but at least you will be comfortable doing so if the situation arises.

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by JPX

I am a 37 year old male who can't relate to other males. All my friends are and have always been women. [...]

Is this some type of mental disorder? [...] Would you consider me weird?

No--on both accounts.

I'm sure people would like to have you believe otherwise, but beware the call of the socially conditioned masses who want you to believe something for reasons other than love (usually fear).

Honestly, most men are idiots. Seriously. Most men I encounter are not much better than their primitive cavemen counterparts. I often say that I'm a bit embarrassed to be part of the male gender when I see how some men behave.

In comparison, women tend to behave much better, but then fear also causes a huge amount of women to behave in strange ways that I'd deem pretty ineffective and not ideal if you want to use your potential and be authentic. But then fear is a big problem for guys, too, so it's not exclusive to women.

You are what you are. You like what you like. Don't run from it. Accept it (truth). Become deeply aware of it (truth). Seek relationships where it's ok for you to be like this (love). Gradually let go of, as much as possible, the relationships where it's not ok, or where it's only "sort of" ok and you find you have to be less of yourself around them (love). Such relationships serve no one.

Now go do something about it! (Power.)

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by Anand Dhillon

If you don't want to relate to other men, then there is really no problem here.

On the other hand, if you do want to be able to relate to other men, I think the issue is lack of experience.

Could be. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I will mention something.

I'll be honest and say I don't have significant experience with the opposite sex, at least in terms of the romantic area.

Long story short, months ago I thought this was because I largely had little experience or knowledge of how to interact effectively. Now I can see that I simply lack compatible relationships.

Most women I encounter--at least, women my age--generally want to play games or do destructive things (such as drink booze, eat unhealthy garbage, engage in poorly thought-out behaviour, etc). Those who don't seem to be so caught up in fear that interaction with them is like moving through sludge.

Compare this to the most authentic, conscious relationships in my life, and it's like night and day. Interaction is fast, efficient, productive, and beneficial for both parties. There is no fear; only a sense of alignment and a sort of feeling that it's not only ok, but sort of expected that you will be fully yourself--but then, if you have an off day and you're not fully yourself, that's ok too and you might get some help with that if you like.

In my experience, this is how human relationships are supposed to be. Anything else seems like a poor substitute for the real thing.

My advice is to seek relationships with people who are interested in conscious growth and authenticity. Those who aren't there yet (people who aren't actively trying to become more love based; people who aren't ready for conscious growth and still have more unconscious growth to go) will hold you back. You may learn from relating to them, but clinging to them, in my experience, is a mistake that will hold you in a confusing fog. The fog clears when you can see past the specific details and recognise these simple patterns that save you literally days and weeks (or months!) of wasted effort.