Dealing with difficult ex

[Mewwy]

Years after the end of a relationship, an ex made another sudden contact out of nowhere.

Back then I was living a fearful life, not knowing how to be myself well. In the relationship with this ex I was not a good communicator. I was playing the role of an exhausted giver who didn't really know how to decline what others want from me. More terribly I would do what I hate in order to win his care and affection. Then I dumped him (for more reasons.) We both made mistakes; we were young and trying to learn.

I tried as hard as I can to listen to what my ex have to say after these years. I hate to say so but I don't see him growing up at all. He still have grudges. He still wants me to fulfill his predictable needs. He displays pictures through IM that I would consider harassment. He plays self pity. He asks questions about how my life is in areas according to his own concern - this makes me extremely guilty if I disregard his good intention, but again I just feel harassed when the question is too private.

When I reconsider the break up process back then, I owed him clarity of why I wanted to leave him. It took months to get those reasons out of my mouth. It took quite an amount of mental strength to revise what I have to say over and over again in order to not hurt him, because what I disliked was the exact essence of who he is and I didn't expect him to change for me. And that long break up process didn't seem to give him the punch in the face showing that he is better off finding another girl. If he still cannot get the picture after all the difficult, mental hard work I could offer, then I don't know what else to do. I don't know what's fair to him or to me.

He has managed to create different email or IM accounts whatnot in the past few years to contact me. Questions he wants me to answer has always been the same. When he doesn't get the desired reaction from me he gets sadder and angrier. When I try to tend to his needs he becomes more needy. How to tailor a reasonable closure of this relationship according to his needs is nearly impossible because from my side I see him as a direct block to my life path and also a harassment.

On a personal note, I cannot think of any lesson that is greater than love - and the loss of love. I've been dumped several times after relationship with this ex. I believe, metaphorically speaking, the more a person's heart is carved, the deeper a person can become, containing more character and strength. I may not be absolutely right, but this ex of mine doesn't seem to be learning things this way. So there's no way we could march on with our lives hand in hand.

I would apologize, deeply from my heart, to him a million more times for being a ditcher. But I just know I cannot accommodate this person in my life anymore. It is cruel to judge a person. It is cruel to cut out a person out of my life completely. But I know I deserve the peace his presence can never give me.

I do not know how to resolve his grudge towards me. His grudge is similar to the way how love and hate is just two sides of the same coin. So I cannot disregard his contacts completely because his intention is infused with at least some real love and care, though mostly entwined with his own needs. I would desire some wisdom on this issue - speaking of selfish desires, again.

[Mclove]

If you're not happy with this person why not simply move on?

You keep fueling that fire for this dispassionate hunter.

Are you subconsciously in a need for self approval and stimulation or afraid risking a sexually fulfilling life by abandoning him... because your ex fills well that void?

[Alexjstrandberg]

There is NO NEED to feel guilty for leaving a person. Just know that the heart can not feel pain, only our egos resistance to what is happening feel pain.

People break up because they are no longer compatible, that's it. Your interests, desires, goals whatever change and people grow apart. As a result you break up. Feelings get hurt and people feel bitter.

It seems like you are falling into sympathy with his situation and feeling guilty as a result. Remind yourself that EVERYONE is responsible for their own lives. He is who he is because of the choices he has made. He might of gotten angrier or upset because of the breakup but that was his choice.

You didn't ditch him, he made the choice to end the relationship. You might of been the one to officially call it quits but it was a mutual decision. He decided to act like an idiot which forced you to end it. If he had made the choice not to be a jacka** then you probably would have been together now. But he didn't.

Your decision didn't cause these things. His choices did. If it was cause (you breaking up) and effect (his anger) then every break up would be exactly the same. For example, if you were dating me and we would break up I would be completely fine with it. I would say thanks for the time we spent and sincerely wish you the best of luck. No bitterness. No anger. No harsh feelings.

It's your guilt and sympathy issues that are causing you to still talk to him now. Accept the fact that HE CHOSE to be this way and still can't act like an adult.

[ar81]

If relationship was about holding things together instead of having personal growth, then there was no relationship.

Love is not an emotion, it is not passion, it is more a decision of doing good.
Without personal growth you can't love. Passion leads to a sense of ownership of a person, not love.

I do not see any love there.
A very demanding man who has nothing with you since long time ago is more a matter of power and domination.
Do not play the game of dictator-slave. That is not love either.

[mncz]

Forgive him.
Forgive yourself.

[Parthon]

This is going to sound weird, but love him as much as you can.

Don't get back with him, that would not be good for either of you, don't give into his whims, because that just makes him worse, and don't ignore him, as he will never learn.

The only thing left to do is that which love can provide: treat him in the most beneficial way for him and his life with NO REGARD for his feelings, welfare or personal attachment to you. Do what you need to do, out of love, in order to improve his position, make him aware and see the truth. This is going to be a hard lesson for him to learn, but if you really want the best for him, and I think you do, you need to give up what he thinks of you and do what it takes to go the hard line and, metaphorically, beat him around the head with his own stupidity.

You've tried everything else. The only thing less is the hard kind of love that leads to lessons, which can only come for when you care about someone to the exclusion of all else.

I guess the real question is, do you care enough about him to be the bitch you have to be to get through to him?

[Mewwy]

Thanks for the excellent advice. I'm glad I have chosen the path of growth.

I did some (more) honest soul searching, and I have absolutely zero desire for him. Not even friendship. He creates even larger voids. He doesn't fulfill anything. So I can safely assume there's no attachment or need from my side. I don't contact him and never will. He may see the internet itself as a fueling ground, just because I have email and IM accounts and it's convenient for him to track me down...-.-

The creepy part is that he would create several email and IM accounts just to contact me every time I block him. I'm afraid that shutting him off (as I have always been doing) would encourage him to stalk me physically...

That's why I would regard the break up as a karma, if he doesn't let our relationship die and rest in peace. So it's both a safety issue and a being grudged issue I've been feeling responsible for myself...

Thank you again, I will take forgiveness in mind and resolve my past guilt.

Originally Posted by Parthon

I guess the real question is, do you care enough about him to be the bitch you have to be to get through to him?

Ouch this is hard... I suppose there are only two options if I have to deal with him 1. Be silent and block all his contacts 2. Be a bitch and let him realize I would do him no good.

I have been doing the first I guess...maybe he'll learn his lesson if I do the second way. But I'd hate that. Thank you for the post Parthon.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Mewwy

The creepy part is that he would create several email and IM accounts just to contact me every time I block him. I'm afraid that shutting him off (as I have always been doing) would encourage him to stalk me physically...

1. Be silent and block all his contacts 2. Be a bitch and let him realize I would do him no good.

I have been doing the first I guess...maybe he'll learn his lesson if I do the second way. But I'd hate that. Thank you for the post Parthon.

Internet has a very interesting kind of characters: trolls.
Trolls are annoying and they poke you every time.
If you answer to a troll, you lose.
If you argue, you lose.
If you yell you lose.
If you fight you lose.
The only way to get rid of a troll is to ignore him and be as far away as you can.

If he is somehow reasonable and not a troll, you could try an explanation of how he should not waste his life by going after you with you.
If he is obsessed, you could explain him that obsession is not love. Obsession probably came from a feeling of being abandoned by his mother in early childhood.

[Lauxa]

When he asks you questions you do not want to answer, you could reply "that is a personal question which I prefer not to answer."

When he sends you pictures that you consider harassment (is this like pictures of pr0n?) you could reply "that picture is inappropriate."

It sounds like his contact of you is sucking your time and energy as you try to figure out how to respond appropriately. Again you are falling into the pattern of doing what you don't want in order to appease him.

You still have some fear of this person, so realize that this is a chance to work on courage.

[selfhelpblogger]

You need to find your self worth. Let him go.

[Mewwy]

Thanks for the posts; again I appreciate it.

In my mind I have let him go completely. I don't fool him around (lit. **** him around.) Every time he says hi I don't reply with hi. I reply with things like "Don't ever contact me." and block him. I hate to disregard his good intentions (if he has them) but silence has always been what I honestly prefer. What he needed to know was already told years ago when I breakup with him.

I can't really sense how much of my self worth is attached to this issue. Because my self worth has nothing to do with him. Courage and forgiveness are indeed handy to resolve this issue. But I'm afraid he will turn into revenge potential. Imagine when you walk past a beggar and you have the rights to ignore him. But when the beggar holds a knife in his hand, saying that he'll hurt you or himself if you don't give him what he wants, it'll certainly require some action from you.

Running away is what I'll do in situations like this but my ex always has new ways to find me in this world.

[ar81]

Revenge cames from hate. Hate is accumulated sadness that was stored and rotten for a long time. The only way to get rid of hate is to forgive, and this could be a nice message for him, if you want to ever contact him.

You did not cause his hate and he needs to understand that if he hates it is because he already had hate inside. This could probably come from early years when someone caused some sad experience in childhood. He needs to heal his wounds with forgiveness.

[Tonya]

Hi,

Your post was eloquently written and at this time in my life haven't identified with someone so much- especially your last 3 paragraphs.

I am in a similar situation - I won't go into details here because this is about your post - but I left my ex 2 years ago, I too was so young and had alot to learn, he was 8 years older and did every emotional blackmail in the book to make me stay with him, I ended up having affairs. My situation is complicated by the fact we have a child and I moved straight in with my new partner when I left. He refuses to talk to me, even by text about the child, saying he hates me and will never have anything to say to me after what I did, even tho I have never stopped him from having the child 2, 3 or even 4 nights a week!

The result is I have to carry all the guilt for eveything going wrong because I'm the one who left and broke up the family, even though I was so unhappy with him, and like you, my essence just didn't gel with his essence (for want of a better way of putting that!).

I'm not really sure if I have advice but I wanted to let you know that I know how it feels and it's just awful when someone makes you feel that you've ruined their life...that person saying those things is trying to ruin your life because you're no longer with them.

I, myself couldn't see myself growing emotionally and spritually with him, but instead stagnating, and what kind of a life is that for someone who strives for self-awareness and deeper knowledge?

There's so much to say about this and I don't have the time or the capacity but it goes back to the old saying 'if you love someone set them free' and you're decision, and my decision, should be respected...I mean we're not living in victorian times for god's sake!

I thought it was having the child that makes it so hard to deal with, but you've shown that even without that tie to someone they can play on your compassions so much so that they are actually being a barrier to your life moving forward becasue they are taking up so much of your mental energy. If you truly loved someone would you make them feel like that? I certainly wouldn't even do that to someone I didn't love! So what does that say for him.

It's very easy to say all this but I know how difficult it is to just forget about someeone and think why are they not growing spiritually? And feel compassion toward them for that and want to help them!! It's vicious this compassion thing- as Milan Kunders said:

“There is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels for someone, for someone, pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echos.”

Some people just love too much, and other people mistake keeping someone to themselves with disregard for their spiritual growth as love.

Have you read M Scott Peck 'The Road Less Travelled'..also The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

I hope this helps you, it helped me to realize I'm not the only one that suffers from this misery!

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