To leave or not to leave...

[laur_454]

My boyfriend and I went through a rough time a month or so ago (one of many) and now everything is just peachy. We're getting along great, we're lovey-dovey again, just had a one year anniversary. He has a history of womanizing, and just being kind of a bad boy.

I love him so much and I know he loves me. He's going to be 30 this November. He tells me it's different with me, that those days are over. Also, many of our mutual acquaintences tell me that he acts so much more respectful and stand-up with me then with past girlfriends. That he doesn't cheat or lie to me at all.

I knew him for a year before I started dating him, and during that time I saw him go around like kind of a jack-ass. Then he grew on me. He has an identical twin who is a NIGHTMARE. I see his twin cheat on women, get absolutely drunk and act like an idiot, and just in general behave like a degenerate. My boyfriend is better, but also has the drinking tendency.

He's sweet, supportive, funny, and we have a great time whether alone or out with others. So why can't I get this trust issue out of my head? I can't nag him about it anymore. I've told him I have issues with this and he assures me that when we aren't together, he is just hanging with his boys and being completely faithful. Is my instinct right? Or am I judging him too heavily on his past?

I want to add the disclaimer that I'm NOT that girl. I'm not naive about men, guys don't take advantage of me, and I am always the advocate for single woman-hood and girl power. This is the longest relationship I've had since freshman year in college (I'm 24). I love him and I can see myself marrying him (and he says the same thing). I just have a few things that bother the crap out of me. Mainly its the drinking, the negative influence of his brother and friends (although I do adore some of his nicer friends), and the history of slutiness that I know too much about.

Can I get around these things? If so, how?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by laur_454

So why can't I get this trust issue out of my head? I can't nag him about it anymore. I've told him I have issues with this and he assures me that when we aren't together, he is just hanging with his boys and being completely faithful. Is my instinct right? Or am I judging him too heavily on his past?

Issues with what? Nag him about what? What do you want him to do or say, ideally?

[MSC2471]

laur_454: See if he would agree to a 30 day trial regarding no drinking. From there you can see if his attitude is different being sober all the time versus the confusion you seem to feel about his feelings towards you and how he acts when he's been drinking.

Don't compromise what you want for standards in a boyfriend. It's ok to be leery of trust given his womanizing of the past- you can't erase years of womanizing in a week or a month. Hopefully he shows you not only through his words but also through his actions that he will remain faithful to you.

Please keep us posted on this situation.

Matt

[laur_454]

Originally Posted by Angela

Issues with what? Nag him about what? What do you want him to do or say, ideally?

Nag him about talking to other girls when I'm not there. Or worse. I don't think it happens (at least not anything further then talking), but its always in the back of my head. Ideally, I'd like for him to say "I understand your reservations, but I love only you, I don't even care about looking at anyone else, I'd do anything to make this work, You're a priority in my life, You can trust me, I promise..." But come to think of it, he does say these things. He's very emotionally available.. And when he isn't drinking, my trust issues go away, or when he's out of town for work I don't really worry about it. But when people are drunk they do stupid things, and thats when I worry. Plus, women throw themselves at him. I suppose I just need to worry about my own life and whatever is supposed to happen with him will, as long as I stay on my own path.

[laur_454]

Originally Posted by MSC2471

laur_454: See if he would agree to a 30 day trial regarding no drinking. From there you can see if his attitude is different being sober all the time versus the confusion you seem to feel about his feelings towards you and how he acts when he's been drinking.


Matt

MSC, I love this idea, but I don't think he would ~ he'd probably laugh. And that's fine, I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings too. I think I'd rather he go on a 30 day trial where he limited his intake to one or two a day. Do you think that's sufficient?

[funnyfish]

1 or 2 drinks a day is quite a lot i think...even 1 drink puts you under the influence. do the drinking/sleeping around go hand in hand? im willing to bet they do. sounds like alcohol may be the cause, the rest the symptoms. have you asked him why he needs to get oiled? what is he trying to anethsetise? does drink give him more confidence? i may be totally barking up the wrong tree but ive dealt with alcohol issues a fair bit and this sounds familiar

[Angela]

Originally Posted by laur_454

Nag him about talking to other girls when I'm not there. Or worse. I don't think it happens (at least not anything further then talking), but its always in the back of my head. Ideally, I'd like for him to say "I understand your reservations, but I love only you, I don't even care about looking at anyone else, I'd do anything to make this work, You're a priority in my life, You can trust me, I promise..." But come to think of it, he does say these things. He's very emotionally available.. And when he isn't drinking, my trust issues go away, or when he's out of town for work I don't really worry about it. But when people are drunk they do stupid things, and thats when I worry. Plus, women throw themselves at him. I suppose I just need to worry about my own life and whatever is supposed to happen with him will, as long as I stay on my own path.

So, really, there's nothing he could do that would have you be satisfied or fulfilled. Even your ideal situation is already present -- his reassurance and emotional availability -- and still you're not satisfied and fulfilled. You don't really want him to stop drinking, because then you'd have to stop, too.

As I see it, the most effective thing you could do is to take 100% responsibility for your own satisfaction and fulfillment. Be the cause of it. Either drop the crap and choose to trust him to be exactly who he is and exactly who he isn't in the relationship, or choose not to trust him and let him go. The way it is now, you've got both of you locked up in the jail of no trust. YOU do. Not him. You. The good news is that you have the power to set you both free, whether you stay in this relationship or leave.

Also, has it occurred to you that you don't trust him when he's drinking because you don't trust yourself when you're drinking, or you don't trust yourself to stop?

[Alexjstrandberg]

Can't change anyone only offer your help. If they don't want to change or want your help then the issue lies with you. At that point you need to figure out what is still keeping you in that relationship and still forcing it to work.

[MSC2471]

Originally Posted by laur_454

MSC, I love this idea, but I don't think he would ~ he'd probably laugh. And that's fine, I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings too. I think I'd rather he go on a 30 day trial where he limited his intake to one or two a day. Do you think that's sufficient?

laur_454: If the one to two drinks a day is something you can personally handle him doing as a 30 day trial is fine with you, I would see if he would be willing to do it. Funnyfish does have a valid concern though. I've dated people in the past who no matter what environment I tried to put them in, always felt the need to have alcohol when being around me. Which made me question whether they were really interested in being with me or being with alcohol.

Ultimately you have to decide what you are willing to give of yourself and what standards you are willing to accept in your ideal relationship. Change can only occur if he wants to change- you can only be there as a support system.

Trust your instincts- they usually never lead you astray. Keep us informed of how things go, and I wish you the best of luck.

Matt